Where's the line between being persistent/showing interest and being desperate/creepy?

miles_v · 2013-08-11T18:55:06+00:00

I think it's all in the subcommunication.

As an example: I've read somewhere that you shouldn't make self-deprecating jokes, because that's unattractive or not alpha or whatever. I think the truth is that it depends on where the joke is coming from.

If you make a self-deprecating joke because you're insecure and you're indirectly fishing for compliments, it's needy and unattractive.

If you make the same joke because you genuinely think it's hilarious and you're not expecting or hoping for a specific reaction, there's a completely different vibe to it.

The same goes for persistence vs. desperation. You can come on strong because she gave you some positive signs and now you're desperately clinging on and trying to make her like you. Or you can come on strong because you feel that desire inside you and you want to express it.

How can you tell the difference? If you're disappointed if she doesn't respond positively, you were being desperate.

cdemikols · 2013-08-11T20:22:53+00:00

This HIMYM clip succinctly describes the situation. The point being that there is no hard line, and history is told from the point of view of the winner

If you end up together she'll say you were persistent, if not, she'll say you were creepy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-V5xjfSB53E&feature=youtube_gdata_player

reduser80 · 2013-08-11T19:53:10+00:00

Someone wrote this recently (I forget where), but I thought it made a lot of sense.

Be persistent until you can tell she's uncomfortable. Creepy is when people continue to push despite seeing how she's reacting.

Up until that point, you're probably fine. Just read body language.

Ledatru · 2013-08-11T20:31:21+00:00

When she stops smiling/laughing

Jake_STi-RA · 2013-08-11T21:33:42+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Flexappeal · 2013-08-12T01:04:57+00:00

Being creepy comes from one of two things.

1) You're saying genuinely abnormal things, or acting too far outside the realm of "socially acceptable". This is legitimately creepy shit like mumbling to yourself or interacting with a wall in dead seriousness.

2) The second "creepiness" factor comes from your intentions and actions not being aligned. It's something of a phenomenon actually since most girls couldn't tell you specifically what "being creepy" means. But generally, if your motivations and actions are polarized, there's almost no way it doesn't come off creepy. e.g trying to act 'smooth', but being nervous as a fuck in your head and terrified of yourself.

thewordofmouse · 2013-08-11T19:51:26+00:00

Confidence and entitlement is the difference. If you show a girl that you feel entitled to her and as a result, you're showing interest and persisting because she should pick you.

Being desperate or creepy occurs when you believe you don't deserve the girl but you still go after her... without confidence, you're just a loser who's swinging for the fences.

dwang19 · 2013-08-11T19:13:37+00:00

It's all in the delivery. Two guys can say the same line to the same girl, but have 2 completely different outcomes.

bhuntin08 · 2013-08-11T21:04:31+00:00

So this is coming from the perspective of a guy that's always played the nice guy and I've been burned before because of it. That being said you should probably take this advice with a grain of salt.

Honestly, I think the answer varies per girl. If the girl is into you and you're showing her attention it'll likely be the right amount of attention.

If the girl is on the fence but is open to possibly pursuing something with you then this is obviously the hardest one to read. Try to make contact once a day at most I would think... then make plans to hang out or go do something. If she enjoys her time with you then continue to make more plans and maybe slightly more frequently (from once a week to twice a week). After a while she'll be asking you when you want to hang out. That's when you know you've done it right. Or if she's too sheepish to ask then she'll say things like "I thought you'd never ask to [blah blah blah]..."

They say distance makes the heart fonder, so if you get that feeling she's not into it, find a time to tell her you'll be unavailable and with friends doing x,y,z... let her know you'll be unreachable but she is more than welcome to contact you and you'll get back to her whenever you have a moment. If you want to take this a step further, don't contact her immediately afterwards. Let her contact you first but don't mention what happened or that you hung out with friends. If she asks how it went with them of course tell her it was fine or whatever but be vague. That way it leaves her guessing and it will have her developing an interest.

Move from there follow your gut. Don't over think it.

whale_snail · 2013-08-12T14:09:04+00:00

If you're good looking it's persistent. If you're ugly it's creepy.

puaCurveBall · 2013-08-12T17:36:08+00:00

You can be insanely persistent without being needy.

Imagine a guy trying to playfully argue a free desert out of his waitress. He might huff and puff, or make all sorts of crazy proposals to get that free desert, but it is always playful and everyone knows he doesn't give two shits about the dessert, he just enjoys the game of trying to get it.

Same with pickup... you can enjoy the flirting, go way over the top with being direct / persistent, as long as you aren't needy and its clear things are cool regardless of what she wants or what happens.

flymolo5 · 2013-08-12T03:11:29+00:00

Whether or not your attractive. If your attractive its being persistent. If your not attractive then its creepy.

2013-08-12T02:08:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Honglorn · 2013-08-11T20:22:18+00:00

There's an uncanny valley effect at play. If you are forward enough to make her uncomfortable, but not forward enough for her to make a comment about it and relieve that discomfort with humor then you are in a tough spot.

Also, don't meet her more than half way. Stand firmly at the midway point, but don't try to meet her all the way there.

Those two pieces might seem contradictory, but the first is in the quality of your delivery and the second in the quantity.

Gamion · 2013-08-12T01:46:12+00:00

Here is that line.

leodoestheopposite · 2013-08-12T02:09:53+00:00

I found a good solution in the escalation principle: Always be engaging and escalate.

If you draw a line, ascending line of course, from when you first you see a girl you like to the time you are both naked, you'll realize that some time has to pass, and certain escalating two-way activities have to happen.

It can start as simple as making eye contact. Does she make eye contact as well? Smile. Does she smile back. Approach. Is she welcoming you? Talk. Is she talking back? Is there rapport?

If she says or somehow expresses non-interest by not engaging with you, move on. Otherwise either you are bothering her (or creeping her). Of course there's the case of the girls who play hard to get, those are bad games to play, do you really want to get into those game? Move on.

Seantheguy · 2013-08-12T03:27:10+00:00

If you text more than twice for every text she sends.... creeper.

If you call her more often than she calls you, or you have to carry the whole conversation, it should be a sign that she's not that into it and you're starting to force it out of desperation.

Just some personal perspective.

psycho-logical · 2013-08-12T03:48:15+00:00

Attraction. I've said the dumbest shit to girls that are into me and they eat it up. I think you can start a fire from a tiny spark, but it's basically impossible to get something going with no spark.

ED_eddy · 2013-08-12T14:32:33+00:00

It's the fact that they are attracted or not.

HB9 chase you around and never lets up, shows persistence in getting you. Now change the HB9 to a 62 year old bikie grandma with 2 teeth who doesn't get that you're not interested. Exactly the same behaviour, but one is creepy and one is not.

itsmevichet · 2013-08-12T14:44:43+00:00

Here's the line between being persistent and desperate: how attractive she finds you.

This is something that a lot of people gloss over. Remember that the only reason we even discuss frames, routines, situations, and FRs is because each actionable topic is something that can potentially sway a girls opinion of you in the positive direction.

So, if you have been swinging and missing, and you keep swinging, it will come off as desperate/creepy.

If you're doing well with a girl, your persistence will actually be welcome.

Schoolboy0311 · 2013-08-12T20:07:28+00:00

It's all about how attractive they find you. Notice if an old man approaches people its creepy but if a young man were to do the same thing it's not? Strange?

the_brick_attack · 2013-08-13T05:13:10+00:00

We do struggle with this. One technique I've heard is to see how far you can go to get rejected so you're no longer towing the line. That way, you come back knowing what is beyond social acceptance. Calibration for context is the ultimate answer on it though.

DaveYarnell · 2013-08-12T03:03:34+00:00

There is no line. There is a spectrum, and we're all always somewhere within the spectrum. We're always at least a little bit alluring, and at least a little bit creepy.

foodporn · 2013-08-12T04:24:06+00:00

As a girl, one thing I can say creeps me out online (OkCupid) is if a guy says something about me I haven't told him. Meaning, he looked me up online AND is trying to use that shit to his benefit to make himself seem 'intuitive' and that he knows about me. Weeeird.

Wollff · 2013-08-12T00:23:04+00:00

Wait. Since when was being persistent placed on the plus side of this game?

In most cases I would put being persistent on the side of clingy and desperate. When you are persistent, you are either not getting any information (you are being ignored, or are tone deaf to social situations), or you are getting bad vibes and are choosing to ignore them.

Title	Where's the line between being persistent/showing interest and being desperate/creepy?
Author	Mailman7
Upvotes	140
Comments	54
Date	August 11, 2013 4:04 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1k5d5b/wheres_the_line_between_being_persistentshowing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/wheres-the-line-between-being-persistentshowing.1291197 https://theredarchive.com/post/1291197

Comments