Steps to Get Over It

qazinus · 2023-10-24T12:27:48+00:00

Give yourself time.

Emotions are messages that your body gives you, they stay for a couple minutes, if they stay longer that you need to stop thinking about it and do something else, when the emotion is gone ask yourself what message was the body sending.

About going back with her, just remember that it's takes 2 to make a couple, as hard as you want to you can't do it for her. It is ok to want to get back together, trying to deny that is just gonna push that further. It's not that "WE didn't try to make it work" it's "SHE didn't try to make it work" and that means more thing about her than it mean about you.

It is a hard road ahead, get help if needed.

techrmd3 · 2023-10-24T12:45:27+00:00

How do I stop doing this? This is normal, but yes you need to stop it. I would just start writing out what you want to say to ex/stbex and just not send it.

It's a tough realization. One that frankly I was blessed knowing before my EX said the D word.

Women are binary about relationships. Either they are on/into it or they are off/exiting. When a woman decides she's off, there is NO WAY she will go back on that. (at least for some time)

From a man's point of view this is hard to understand and accept. But women are binary about Divorce. There is literally nothing you can do once they flip to the off position.

Understanding and accepting this reality is the first step in recovery for a man I think.

bungleweed · 2023-10-24T13:28:51+00:00

You need to go no contact, or as much as you can if you have children and co-parent. If you don’t have children there is no reason for you to be directly contacting her now, it won’t help and will just serve to keep you in this state / cycle of emotional pain. Do yourself a favour and cut the contact off; seriously. Begging, pleading etc just makes you look weak and prolongs your healing and certainly won’t suddenly compel your ex to reconcile.

Focus your energy on self improvement and healing. Sure there’s some great books etc people can recommend here that have been through this. No more Mr Nice Guy comes up a lot and Rebuilding after divorce is another good one.

Come on now, you know this is the way; you got this.

rhett342 · 2023-10-24T16:36:54+00:00

The woman you had all those good times with is gone. She's been replaced by someone else entirely and that person has no room for you in their life. Mourn the one thay passed and move on from the new person.

Long-Review-1861 · 2023-10-24T15:37:40+00:00

Simple, as with any other addiction it's just your brain searching for dopamine. It has nothing to do with "love" just familiarity and emotional safety

woundedsurfer · 2023-10-24T14:20:58+00:00

One day at a time brother. One day at a time. Find distractions, go to the gym, read some self help improvement books, listen to podcasts, pickup that guitar you stopped playing years ago and for god ‘s sake STOP DRINKING AND WATCHING PORN! I hand write reminders, affirmations and constructive criticism notes and post them on my mirror. I read them daily while getting ready in the morning. If I I don’t see that daily, I spin out of control. I’m using this time to really self reflect because I take part ownership in the destruction of my marriage. I was not the perfect partner and I played a part as well. I strive to be my best and brightest. But don’t get me wrong, I have horrible days too. When you do have a hard day and slip up, pick yourself up, take note, forgive yourself and move on to a better tomorrow.

These videos help me gain a difficult perspective.

https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM?si=UTfUkCdz1XomckT6

https://youtu.be/C5WxLrDnkFg?si=L4uYQ_ptcbmOwhpr

Good luck my friend! You will find peace. 👊🏼💪🏼✌🏼

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-10-24T13:19:41+00:00

If an animal walked up to you on the street and lifted it’s leg and urinated all over your pants and shoes, how would you react? I’m guessing you’d be pissed and would have some colorful words to say. Now, transfer that image to your ex, who literally pissed on your dreams and contritions. She’s IS that nasty animal now, the one that truly doesn’t give a damn about you, your pants, or your shoes. Feel the humiliation and anger, and let that drive you to be repulsed.

icemountainisnextome · 2023-10-24T15:19:30+00:00

I'm so with you on this it's like you wrote this post for me... I'm over a month into the separation. Haven't cried my eyes out for a week but my depression and confusion keep crawling back... I had to go as far as emailing her to get a reply and she only replied about the dogs. How could we cuddle on the couch the night before?? How could you leave your devoted husband over a one page letter?? I'm getting worked up again. You're not alone man. I'm dying on the inside over the exact same situation.

extramediumweaksauce · 2023-10-24T16:24:37+00:00

The thing that helped me was writing emails to my ex constantly. Daily, multiple times a day. Writing and revising what I was trying to say so that it was as articulate as possible.

And then I sent it to myself. A separate folder and everything. Sometimes id have a friend look it over if there was something noteworthy or I just needed someone to see it, but not the ex.

Because an actual dialogue with this person is foreclosed. They don't care, or are full of shit, or lying, or some combination thereof. You want her to help you understand. To make it make sense. That's not her job anymore. And if she reaches out to you: grey rock that shit. NYMFP.

Everytime you have the urge - the overwhelming urge - to say something to her, write it out and sit on it 'till tomorrow.' More often than not, by then whatever you had to say isn't really relevant anymore.

Impossible_Sport291 · 2023-10-24T18:10:52+00:00

Time. I'm 15 months past D-Day. I spent the first year begging and pleading for my family. I fought myself back and forth, getting mad at myself when I'd beg her then somehow justifying it again the next week. Now I don't beg anymore. I just want her gone.

PigletGreedy2195 · 2023-10-24T13:07:30+00:00

I was the one that filed. I was the one that voiced the divorce. But I didn’t want it. She forced my hand with her lies and drinking and chaos. We have a family and I wanted to keep us under the same roof. But she’s too fucked up.

I feel your pain bro. Stop messaging her. Leave her be. Let the pain out and cry. Don’t try to get back with her again. If she wants you back she will voice that. Good luck

atomicnugget202 · 2023-10-24T19:55:30+00:00

You're not alone fam. Just got the final nail in the coffin text from my wife validating she doesn't want this relationship anymore. This was three months after we had the initial divorce conversation, and we've been technically separated for 10 months. My world and hopes for reconciliation literally just shattered 24hrs ago.

I feel broken, stupid, hurt, and hopeless. I'm trying not to let the urge to self destruction take over me, but it's hard.

upfnothing · 2023-10-24T20:50:16+00:00

Good life habits. Time. Rinse repeat. Over and over again.

AxeMuley · 2023-10-24T21:02:31+00:00

Be patient with yourself and begin your journey of self discovery and becoming an integrated man. I am going through a divorce (28 yrs married) and No More Mr Nice Guy audiobook saved me from myself. I keep a list of his teachings above my desk and look at the notes each day. Do I still hurt inside? Absolutely. But we must be strong and tap into our healthy masculinity and grow. You can do this and you are not alone. Also, check out Corey Wayne 3% Man.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2023-10-24T17:47:44+00:00

Do not beg, that is prob the worst turn off for women. There’s thousands of women out there obviously she’s not the one if she doesn’t want to try to work it out

SecretAltruistic6878 · 2023-10-24T14:45:59+00:00

In another post someone suggested the dead bedroom fix. Won’t solve this part of your life more than likely but may help w next. Basically it’s just work out, be indifferent from seeking approval from a woman, live your life, get laid, improve your image / clothes. If you’re doing this it will at least bug your ex as you’re moving on and you’ll not have to say anything to her. I liked no more mr nice guy as well as the way of a superior man. Luck my bro

UseResponsible4368 · 2023-10-24T18:12:01+00:00

Exercise and time. You can start by taking walks, getting cheap bands and watching youtube, or go to the gym. The latter is the best as it gets you out of the house besides work.

It takes two to tango, and if she don't want to dance that's on her, not you.

Whenever you feel an urge to contact her, take a walk. Get a cheap MP3 player if you feel tempted to call her while walking.

Change your music from sadness to energy. Less Air Supply, more Motley Crue. Less Sad Country, more Tractor Rap. Or whatever floats your boat.

Take a look at some of your old interests and hobbies you've put by the wayside, and you'll soon appreciate you now have resources to spend on them again.

jakochis1 · 2023-10-25T04:50:02+00:00

Thank you for writing this (and to everyone else who has responded). I've been in the EXACT same boat for over 5 months now. I spent the entire summer going through all the stages of grief, except for acceptance, while my wife sat on the bomb she dropped on what I thought my life was and was going to be, doing nothing to move the process forward.

My life continued to be exactly the same, taking care of our three kids ages 4-10, grocery shopping for the family, cutting the grass, talking to the neighbors, interacting with my in-laws (whom she wouldn't even tell what she was planning), except instead of a wife that I could talk to about everything, I had an aloof roommate whom I took turns with using the various areas of our home. I thought about moving out, but it's my house too and this is her decision, not mine. And during the moments we were apart, I would start romanticizing the past and trying to figure out new ways to convince her she was wrong.

Finally I've ended up firmly planted in the anger stage. Seeing her every day and seeing her be the only one who doesn't think this is a big deal (I finally had to be the one to tell her parents and sisters) has continued to fuel my anger and that's really the thing that is helping me change my perspective. This isn't a sustainable feeling, but it has helped me get over the constant despair. I kinda understand the appeal of the dark side of the force now.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2023-10-24T17:34:50+00:00

She probably isn't as cold and heartless as she seems right now. She probably has mixed feelings and regret but at some level believes this is what's best for both of you in the long run. She knows that if she wavers at all, it will delay the breakup process that she believes needs to happen. She isn't stringing you along and I think that deserves a level of respect.

Go no contact and force yourself to mourn the loss of the marriage. Its a process and its difficult but at least there's no children involved.

probebeta · 2023-10-24T21:24:25+00:00

No more Mr nice guy is a good book as many pointed out here. I'd follow Rolo Tomassi and his books. He has some interesting ideas about how to look at women. This kind of thinking is what I needed way before I met my ex, but sadly no one teaches you this stuff unless you go through something like this.

Title	Steps to Get Over It
Author	spozmo
Upvotes	21
Comments	47
Date	October 24, 2023 12:16 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17fbddq/steps_to_get_over_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/steps-to-get-over-it.1236161 https://theredarchive.com/post/1236161

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