Isolation

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-09-18T11:22:51+00:00

I wish there was a good solution here but making friends as an adult man is very difficult and painful. Everyone has their social situation already sorted and don’t want to add anyone new.

fishingforthought · 2022-09-18T14:04:27+00:00

Hello Brother, you are not alone in this. In this life we are both in, think of it as a boat. You are on one side and I am on the other side. I do not know you and you do not know me. But here we are. Traveling the waters of time.

I use to be a extroverted but the marriage turned me into a introvert for reason listed throughout these pages. Now that I am unshackled from that past life, I know its my future. I can do what I wont to do not what that other person wants. . Take small steps first. I used to have a boat and fish all the time. Now I will go to a small pond or bank fishing.

Are or were you into anything? A City guy doing things. Sports, Concerts, Movies, Events? A country guy? Fishing, hunting, outdoors? What is the one thing you did before you were married? If you created a Bucket List, What is the first thing listed on the list?

What I am getting at is, Only you can LIFT yourself out of this rut. Their are a couple of oars in this boat, you take one and I'll take one. Now lets get the hell out of here and go what we want and by doing so we will enjoying life and meeting new people along the way.

chimps20 · 2022-09-18T14:57:12+00:00

Hey man depending on what city you live in I can do all those thing for you.

I won’t understand how you feel exactly but for me I have days like this as well.

But for me it how much my ex ruined me financially. I was scheduled have my house paid off by 45. I was going to rent it out and buy a small condo and retire.

She cleared me out of $1500000 plus my home. I pay child support now and have changed careers and struggle everyday.

There is no magic pill to make your self feel better. For me it was quitting the booze and drugs.

I try to remind myself what I have left. Super simple shit like fuck that ice cream was good or the sun on my face feels really nice. Or at least I have a roof over head. After the divorce I have a hard time trusting anyone.

gnackered · 2022-09-18T13:05:50+00:00

You can call up old friends and try to re-kindle a past friendship. Say it works with 1 out of 5, that's 1, and you will probably have another good conversation or two.

I am still married myself and my wife dug herself into a similar hole, and I encourage her (to no avail - the "yes, but" game) to reach out to old friends. Same logic. The other advice is get involved in hobbies, classes or whatever. It can take some time.

lordgoofus1 · 2022-09-18T13:31:22+00:00

I feel your pain, I'm in a similar situation. I'm still early in the process of healing, rediscovering myself and figuring out my "new" identity.

It's tough, but we'll both get through it. The trick is trying all sorts of different things and seeing what you enjoy the most. Try out different hobbies, ways to exercise, volunteer/charity groups, sports, painting, whatever you can find or think of. Challenge yourself to strike up a conversation with a random stranger while you're at it.

Today, I decided to go swimming. I'm naturally an introvert so it took a lot of courage, but I eventually made small talk with the girl swimming in the lane next to me at the pool. Turned out she was a squad coach, and I ended up getting a few tips on how to improve my swimming technique (no phone number unfortunately, I need to work on my game haha).

So I got some exercise, learnt something new, got to socialize a little bit, and took myself slightly out of my comfort zone. All in all, a pretty successful day!

ramboton · 2022-09-18T14:57:41+00:00

Volunteer. Find something you enjoy and volunteer. You are more likely to meet someone if you are happy, and are more likely to find common interests. I retired in 2019. I volunteer for the Red Cross. I also have teen aged daughters who play soccer, I volunteer as a coach and run the concession stand. I stay busier than when I was working and I meet all sorts of people who share the same interests I do. It also does some good for your community, Volunteerism is way down and non-profit entities are suffering because of it.

AggieDan1996 · 2022-09-18T19:49:30+00:00

Hey, buddy. I get it. Been there. But, from what I'm seeing of your responses to what people are suggesting, it feels like you're deep into your own little pity party.

I've got a 50/50 custody schedule with a 5-2-2-5. Yeah. At the beginning it was rough.

But, if you just keep saying that everything is too hard and wallowing in it, you're going to be stuck there for a lot longer. If you're scared that people will reject you now or on the future... you'll never make new friends at all.

Ultimately, people are good. It's hard. But, you've got to let down your guard a little and prioritize building your social network and taking care of yourself. I jumped back into church, volunteerism, fitness, and various subreddits. Oh, and got a kick-ass therapist.

survivewithhumour · 2022-09-18T10:36:27+00:00

Try to form new bonds if you can OP. I'm sorry your ex convinced you to cut off friendships - that speaks more about their character than yours.

Would you be able to re-establish those former friendships?

And yes, even with a support network I still feel isolated. I am alone at my home suddenly with too much time on my hands. With no desire to take on activities I used to enjoy. But going through lots of articles books and videos to learn about myself and to heal.

Remarkable-Potato21 · 2022-09-18T15:54:35+00:00

I feel you brother. It gets better. Trust the process. Everyday is a blessing and finding the joy in little things is a huge success. I felt the same way you did. You are not alone. I was going through the motions and forced myself to see the positive aspect of every little thing. It is hard some days. Longing for more. Focus on yourself and keep putting one foot infront of the other. Everything can change overnight. The biggest blessings are worth waiting for.

mrk177 · 2022-09-18T13:28:24+00:00

I know exactly what you are talking about. Being divorced a year and an introvert myself.

I been trying to reconnect with old friends a lot have moved away or numbers no longer in service. Been out here trying to make new friends. If you need someone to talk to reach out.

TailorBusy · 2022-09-18T10:42:13+00:00

I feel the same some times. I would like to see other comments on how to overcome this situation.

IcyEntertainment8673 · 2022-09-18T20:38:49+00:00

We can be pen pals, I’ll check up on you and when it’s late at night and you can’t sleep, we talk about our day.

Sincerely, A lurker who’s lonely & can use a friend

pk2at · 2022-09-19T16:39:56+00:00

The comments show the true true financial wreckage of divorce, notice its only men who lose over $1M and still pay alimony and CS. It does not have to be like this, infact if you legally separate after a few months, you can continue to remain married and have none of the financial damage in the eventuality of divorce

NewDay0110 · 2022-09-20T13:33:39+00:00

TL;DR - Thanks for the kind words everyone. What I'm going through is way more complex than a lack of social interaction. Divorce turns your world upside down and there's no easy fix.

I want to thank everyone who replied to this post. It really helped me sort out these feelings. Many people suggested activities I can do to be social, which certainly helps. I've actually been trying to do those sorts of things as much as I can in the time I have between work, parenting, and achieving my life's accomplishment goals.

This post made me realize that I'm grieving a much deeper loss from the divorce. I've lost a sense of security and belonging to a tribe. I'm still a parent, but no longer have a family. There's just no replacement for that, and you're not going to find that level of connection by playing board games a couple of times or exercising with a stranger several times. Maybe it could happen over time, but it takes a very long time to achieve familiarity and trust.

In your late 30s it's much harder to establish strong connections because work is busier, much of my time is invested in my little one, and most people my age are just not available because if they are mentally well they've been coupled with other people. These times of bonds are established through shared struggles. When you're young, it's easy to establish camaraderie because your peers are overcoming the same challenges of getting started in life. You're more open and wanting to connect. There's also strong physical attraction by hormones to members of the opposite sex.

For many years I enjoyed a feeling of completeness because I thought I had support of my wife, and even her parents and extended family, if the chips were down. Very abruptly, my wife decided she was done with me, had her affair, and that entire network became antagonists to my life. So I'm not only dealing with the loss of that support, but those same people now I realize would probably celebrate if I died. They were never my friends.

Going through this flip has given me trauma. I'm not only alone but I don't know who is trustworthy anymore. I've lost my place of belonging, but still carry the same weight of responsibilities, maybe even more than before. The final effect is that at times when I think about it, it causes me some mild stress and anxiety.

Please don't recommend a therapist because they can't solve this. I tried recently and the therapist actually mocked me for having these feelings. I've been so let down by therapists it's ridiculous. Talking is useless. There is no easy solution. Life is hard. Nobody cares about your struggles. We are on an crowded planet, but we are all so alone.

Smooth-Sheepherder86 · 2022-09-23T21:29:29+00:00

This is something that freaks me out a bit too and am so sorry that you are in that situation. I am not in that situation but almost, my emergency contact is my ex wife, and I am hers- it’s so so said. Both of us moved from really far away, no friends or family live nearby. I can still possibly rely on one or two friends in case of emergency- however they too are thinking of leaving this city, so ultimately I will be alone, and if something happens to me I am exactly in the same situation- i am actually going through divorce process and one of the things I am worried and want to get with my ex is what exactly should we do in case anything happens to any of us- we have two little ones so we need to make it all work for them - writing this makes me thing of the terrible person and situation my STBXW put us all in… anyway. You definitely have my sympathy and I too haven’t figured out the alone game. This is all fresh to me, being alone sucks, but I think it is important to be alone and okay being alone- that mental health item aside- I am with you this isolation is really really sad.

michaelrhodes1977 · 2022-09-18T12:33:20+00:00

I hear you, it's a real problem for men. I have a podcast for men going through Divorce and I have covered this topic many times. I also have a discord server and a website that has local groups. All for men going through Divorce. Send me a message and I'll get you all the info. You are not alone and you will be ok, I promise.

upfnothing · 2022-09-18T17:11:16+00:00

This is what got me also. You have to make it a point to interact if even superficially with the world. Human interaction is essential!

strangerthaaang · 2022-09-18T17:51:48+00:00

This is for real. Where do you live, brother? There are support groups and other shit.

The_Usual_Suspect__ · 2022-09-18T18:49:01+00:00

In the process of this right now. Been separated 4 months now. It was me that wasn't happy. I'm alone in a room wondering if I made a mistake or not. It's comforting knowing I'm not the only one. My ex did the same, I kept filling the jug, only to leave myself empty everyday. Idk how to look forward or move ahead. But everyday keep pushing man. It has to get better. I think about trying to fix it, but like a broken vase it will never be the same. You're not alone in this bro, be nice, smile, and take your time.

NewDay0110 · 2022-09-18T21:08:01+00:00

If nothing else the isolation will kill me.

I was best friends with her large extensive family. International trips, long road trips, helping them as they age.

Now I have nothing except for coparenting 3 days a week.

Idle hands and all that. I'm almost done with this.

NewDay0110 · 2022-09-18T21:24:21+00:00

I am considering returning to my childhood hometown. My parents are dead but I have plenty of school friends I can reconnect with, some divorced and single. Familiar haunts and faces. Somewhere I know I fit in.

upvotersfortruth · 2022-09-19T03:03:36+00:00

Have you considered joining a Rotary club, a church, or some other organization where you can begin to rebuild your network?

soulcatcher357 · 2022-09-19T04:42:17+00:00

I can definitely empathize with you. I'm in the Washington DC area and am in my fifties with a kid now in college and 10 year old. I've been single for almost a decade. I do have family (Dad and stepmom very supportive; estranged from brothers) Your problems all have modern day solutions:

Medical issue: there are monitoring services.
Drive home from a bar: cut out the drinking out, call an uber/taxi.
Need a computer: can you get by with your cell in a pinch?

My questions (requirements) for friendship:

What do you think of Trump and Desantis?
What do you think of board games or Gaming?
Major Interests? Things you spend time on?

I just look for deal breakers.

But here I am coming back to this community to give back as it has helped me.

Mediocre-Plantain-68 · 2022-09-18T19:58:15+00:00

i was also in this situation. 3 kids, 20 year marriage, no family near, long term friends not local - i had nobody left that wasn’t through her, and boy did those get cut off - relationships i had had for years - even faster than i thought. everything they say is true.

BUT, there is a solution. when the time FEELS right, you just need to start dating. this will fill your evenings and give you a sense of purpose to look good and take care of yourself.

and when you find someone you like a lot, you will then be in their group of friends. i get the irony here, but at least you know what’s gonna happen and not be taken by surprise.

it’s not at all hopeless, and it can quite literally turn around overnight. you’re going to need to rely on the fact you like to be an introvert so you don’t lose self esteem. fake it til you make it and tell yourself you don’t want to be doing the same old shit with the same old people anyways. you’re good for now. no need to feel down on yourself.

ragingredditir · 2022-09-18T13:56:20+00:00

I think what you’re dealing with is very common.

So common in fact, that you prob have neighbors experiencing the same thing. You could try to find out who they are and start connecting with them. Churches are a great place to meet people too.

Another great way to meet people is moving and starting over. If you live in a rural area where your closest neighbor is a half mile away it’s tough to connect.

If you move to a brand new area and get established in a development with lots of houses you can get a dog and walk the neighborhood getting to know everyone

Stunning-Apricot-655 · 2022-09-18T14:25:02+00:00

Once you have a new relationship with someone, their family and friends become yours. Hopefully that lasts too...but no telling.

captainchippsixx · 2022-09-18T15:35:09+00:00

1- see a counselor- decide if temp you need a script. 2- work out 4-5 days a week. Especially cardio 3 - eat healthier 4- start reaching out to all those people you lost touch with. Gotta put yourself out there. 5- do a hobby or a sport that occupies your mind and that you enjoy. Or multiple things. You will meet people there. Or a side hustle. 6. Say f it.
7. Own your shit. 8. If those people lied. Don’t ever talk to them again. Block them on all avenues.
9. Set goals and think about specific positive things happening. Manifest. It’s does work. Gotta out the work and energy in. 10. Eventually get on a dating app. You don’t have to meet someone right away. Start practicing with messaging and texting.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-09-19T01:23:44+00:00

It's all about what you prioritize in life. "Ask and it shall be given to you, knock and it shall be answered". Instead of wasting time complaining:

Meetup app. Download and meet up groups.
Bumble app. Not only is it good for dating, but also meeting groups of people for coffee as friends.
Go to your local Salsa clubs...it's like $10/lesson and you meet so many women.
Go to Church weekly and meet your community
Go downtown by yourself! I did this today literally the whole day and enjoyed free music festival, talked to some random strangers, and the whole day was gone like that.

Instead of sitting around moping do something about it bro. Of course life is hard. You're complaining about not having friends while people across the world are fighting wars. Have some perspective!

zippyweinstein · 2022-09-21T07:35:29+00:00

Have you thought about a dog? I have “family”, but only my dog cares when I come home. He’s always happy to see me too and spend time together. And I’m introverted and boring and moody. But I’m the GOAT to him - especially when I give him treats.

Title	Isolation
Author	NewDay0110
Upvotes	44
Comments	86
Date	September 18, 2022 8:29 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/xhb67n/isolation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/isolation.1132614 https://theredarchive.com/post/1132614

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