So, I broke up with my gf of 2 years after she gained well over 100lbs and told me she had no desire to lose it and I am not attracted to her. Why am I the bad guy?

radeky · 2011-09-29T22:03:27+00:00

You are the villain because it is a break up and they are her friends. If the attraction is gone and she is showing no interest in taking steps to re-ignite that, then you are doing the only thing you can do. It is no different than any other aspect of a relationship.

I'm sure there is a way that someone can turn this into a "Men's Rights" issue but that isn't the real case. You are catching blame because you are the one acting, and she and her friends will be the most vocal. If you had been the one to gain the weight and she couldn't deal with it, your friends would probably call her shallow and say she's the real problem, etc.

At least now you get an opportunity to find someone that has the qualities she had in college, but outside of a college atmosphere. Good luck.

Inksplotter · 2011-09-29T23:01:56+00:00

Her friends are her friends. You just broke up with her. You think she's saying nice things about you to her friends right now?

That isn't to say that she's mischaracterizing you necessarily, but I really doubt she's harping on your best qualities at the moment. Also, the terminology she was using ('real woman' vs 'skinny bitch') leads me to think that she's got a big 'ol sore spot around the subject of her weight.

You broke up with her. They're her friends. For some people, that makes you the villain.

IncrediblyFatMan · 2011-09-29T22:20:33+00:00

It's amazing how many women don't know what the term "chauvinist" really means and its origins. It's become a sort of slang term to mean "any male behavior I don't like, even if women do it too." And they certainly do. Women judge physical appearance at least as discriminately as men do.

2011-09-30T00:24:53+00:00

anyone else notice there seem to be more and more of those "real women" around these days?

arstin · 2011-09-29T22:03:20+00:00

Cause you have stupid friends. Solution: Get new friends who don't expect you to be miserable for the rest of your life just to maintain a shitty relationship.

2011-09-29T22:22:15+00:00

You're the villain because her friends are juvenile and see relationship breakups as something you have to take a side on... I mentioned to my ex that I had run into a friend of hers who looked pained to even have to look me in the eye and got the reply "oh noes! we break up and my friends remain loyal to me!" - apparently some people think that if a relationship ends and you are friends with one of the people more than the other, that you have to start thinking the absolute worst you can about the other person.

roland3337 · 2011-09-29T22:26:34+00:00

At a fundamental level, you want different things, so there is no shame in moving on. Many couples break up for similar reasons.

You're being vilified partly because you are countering the feminist notion of the social construction not just of gender, but of beauty. The others involved might not identify themselves as feminists, but such things are so firmly ingrained in the cultural zeitgeist, there really is no useful distinction to be made.

I have to wonder how her hen-house friends would react if your economic situation were suddenly to change, and you started making less than half of what you might be making now. The double standard would stand out in stark relief.

Be glad to get out. If she is so slovenly about her own appearance and health, with an entitlement attitude to boot, who knows what other kinds of hell she could make for you down the road?

Fat chicks are not just a wood-killer. They are also a serious liability in terms of health care costs. Diabetes, joint problems, circulation problems, fertility issues...the list goes on and on. Health insurance might cover it, but still, that is an extra level of drama that I'd certainly not volunteer for.

2011-09-29T23:25:12+00:00

You're not the bad guy. You just dropped 250# of dead weight from your life. Go find someone who loves themselves.

Roulette88888 · 2011-09-29T23:00:03+00:00

"she is happier being a 'real woman' than a 'skinny bitch' who worried about her weight."

That sounds to me more like a excuse than an reason. She may have left Uni, but I don't think giving up her sporty, healthy activities is necessarily a byproduct of finishing Uni.

It'd be like joining chess club and then refusing to play chess after you finish Uni. It doesn't follow.

Ergo, there's another reason. A reason you shouldn't have to be tied down to.

EDIT: grammar.

Terraneaux · 2011-09-29T22:49:13+00:00

serious weight gain is almost never about the food, and more about depression. it's hard to be in a serious relationship with one member of the couple very depressed. the weight gain is the symptom. the depression is the disease.

matt_512 · 2011-09-29T22:28:28+00:00

This would be a great thing to try x-posting to r/sex.

oy_gevalt · 2011-09-30T00:15:25+00:00

You're not the villain.

Sex is part of a relationship. If she's not turning you on, then the relationship suffers. Easy as.

ProWomanAntiFeminist · 2011-09-30T00:38:24+00:00

You're not at fault. Your gf might have some serious emotional problems and she really needs to focus on herself and her health.

It sounds like you're the only person in her life who tried to do the right thing in this situation.

2011-09-30T00:52:27+00:00

You are in no way a villain, she let herself go. She didn't take care of herself/eating habbits. Whats to say she wont let everything else go as well? If she has no self control, what are you supposed to do? So i think you did the right thing. It sounds like you tried to help, tried to be compassionate and she just didnt want to save herself.

Its no different from someone that becomes an alcoholic or slips into drug abuse, you can't always save them

2011-09-30T15:19:58+00:00

Get a "no fat chicks" shirt. Wear it constantly. When her friends hassle you about it, laugh in their faces, then tell them that if they were true friends they would get their friend some help. Let's not beat about the bush here, she's morbidly obese. She's at high risk of developing a number of weight related illnesses and of dying young from heart failure.

Also take this shit to /r/relationshipadvice.

emptyhunter · 2011-09-29T23:24:19+00:00

Yeah this isn't really a mens rights issue. You're completely justified in what you have done, if the physical attraction isn't there anymore and you aren't liking her attitude there just isn't any point anymore. What mataharidojo said is basically right. You're catching flak because her friends are going to stick up for her, but if the spark isn't there anymore, you're not going to light a fire.

I understand her being happier not having to worry about her weight and working out all the time, personally that stuff gets on my nerves. I'd rather be with a girl who has curves than is a stick figure and afraid to eat a slice of pizza, but 245lbs is way too much to fit that definition. At that point, its just about greed and laziness, whether you're male or female.

stemgang · 2011-09-30T01:29:05+00:00

Men have a right to leave relationships when their girlfriends choose to become unattractive.

Demonspawn · 2011-09-29T22:02:37+00:00

Because you're the man, and women are always right. But, mostly, because you dared to hold any kind of a standard for a woman, you chauvinistic pig you!

At least, that's how her and her friends see it. I say bravo. More men need to start holding up standards for women.

ottawadeveloper · 2011-09-30T01:13:39+00:00

You're not the bad guy. Sexual attraction is important in a relationship. Focus on your lack of sexual attraction and your lack of things in common. Emphasize that there's nothing wrong with how she looks, you've just lost connection and bigger women are just not your thing (some guys, like me, would love such a woman). Keep your side clean - don't slander back. Accept that a lot of her friends may not like you any more and you may need to cut them out of your life.

And really, this should be in relationships or something.

agentfrosty · 2011-09-30T02:40:48+00:00

Don't feel bad about your decision. You aren't married, you didn't have children with her and I'm assuming you're a young guy. There are other fish in the sea. Fish that you will be more compatible with. Good luck comrade!

ghebert001 · 2011-09-30T04:03:48+00:00

You're the villain because it's easier for them to blame you than accept the fact that the person your ex gf used to be and the person she is now are different. If you started dating her when she was overweight and expected her to lose weight, then dumped her when she didn't, then that's a different story. Girls hate it when men have preferences that are not them.

romanticday · 2011-09-30T04:26:29+00:00

You'd be the villian anyways. Relationships like this are supposed to end, not to even mention the fact that she didn't fulfill her responsibilities as a partner. She might as well have denied you sex without an explanation

takatori · 2011-09-30T05:01:01+00:00

You're not the bad guy. The 100lbs monkey on her back is the bad guy.

Guy51234 · 2011-09-29T23:39:32+00:00

One more thing.

For other guys out there. All this talk of fatties is half a joke for me but seriously. Don't be fooled a 21 year old at 245lbs will have diabetes by age 30 and die very young.

Your children will have a far greater chance of being overwieght.

Wieght is important. It is a sign of physical and mental health as well as fertility.

Choose wisely, this is not about the passion this is the biggest decision you will make and your life will change forever.

Guy51234 · 2011-09-29T23:06:11+00:00

You don't want her any more.

The womens union, the United Feminists Union, has issued an action bulliten.

In order to show solidarity with women of size, men hence forth will be called out on their borish demand that we be attractive for them.

If a man breaks with a woman because she outwieghs him 2:1 and even rolling in flour does not reveal the well hidden vajayjay, he will be evicted from the social circles and ostracized.

They tried to convince us to like fatties but that didn't work so you got kicked from the tribe for not servicing an Orca.

Once another female finds use for you and your picked out of the heap of used men, you will again gain admittence to the tribe with the title of good boyfriend.

(Proof is that you let it go this long....duuuuude)

jmnzz · 2011-09-30T04:24:58+00:00

You're the bad guy because physical attractiveness is a patriarchal construct created by men to oppress women.

If you don't find a woman with a gut so large she can't fit through the front door attractive then you are shallow and an oppressor.

RealityCalling · 2011-09-29T22:24:03+00:00

I don't know, but if she had gotten a sex change and you'd broken up with her people would call you a transphobe.

So I guess you're fatphobic lol.

skooma714 · 2011-09-30T18:12:21+00:00

The thing with a woman's friends is that they will back her up, right or wrong (especially wrong).

The truth doesn't enter into it, the hive will demonize you no matter what.

She could have burned your house down, killed your family and scratched your car fleeing the scene but they'll still call you "that asshole" for breaking up with her.

Bobsutan · 2011-09-30T01:26:02+00:00

You have standards and stuck to them. Good on you. Fuck the bait & switch bullshit. Do not let people shame you into anything, you did the right thing. This is also a worth a read:

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/02/18/why-i-left-my-fat-wife/

Kida89 · 2011-09-29T23:18:27+00:00

I believe that they themselves are projecting an unfair standard unto you. I understand where they are coming from, but despite feeling empathetic for them, you are in the right. Her friends are going to defend her friends because friends have this bond that is often fearful of overstepping a boundary that could compromise that friendship.

Second, it is wishful thinking but as of late I find it to be pretty common thinking amongst young men and women in a long-term committed relationship to expect this unconditional standard. They want to believe this is really the case, when in fact it is the contrary. Relationships, many women agree, will lose its luster once someone in that relationship grows complacent. You were kind enough to endure through her complacency as a means of making it better. For this, I commend you.

You should just move on and ride solo

TL;DR It seems that she is holding you to a different standard. If the roles were reversed her friends would be sympathetic to a point, but less sympathetic once time has passed.

2011-09-30T01:39:32+00:00

You're not; she doesn't want to change and she doesn't want anyone to criticize her for not changing. Physical attraction is looked upon as 'shallow' in many cases but 100lbs of weight is a lot. I would understand if for example I gained 100 pounds during a relationship and my girlfriend no longer found me attractive. Regardless, there isn't going to be an easy way to break up with her. I wholeheartedly recommend you do it though; she's not a real woman she's a real fat woman. I know that sounds like a very cold attitude but we're not talking about a few pounds or even baby weight, this is 'I want to shove garbage down my throat and you're going to accept me for being a lazy slob'. No, no you're not. And you shouldn't have to either.

truthjusticeca · 2011-09-30T02:41:41+00:00

I did that too, we used to do quite a lot of activities together but things slowly went down hill. I didn't take any responsibility to change her behavior, that's her problem. We're still good friends, she's a very nice person.

2011-09-30T02:42:31+00:00

I agree with the comments posted below. I'd also like to add that if her 'friends' are not willing to see your viewpoint and are rushing to judge, they were never really your friends anyway and their opinions don't, or shouldn't, matter in how you find happiness in life. Blow them off, they don't matter.

Part of the reason they are reacting that way (IMHO) is that there is a general social trend that women have a right to judge men/boyfriends for certain material and physical characteristics, but men don't have the same right to judge women/girlfriends the same way. That's BS.

We were all - regardless of gender - put on this earth for the same reason. To be happy. It's even in the Constitution. Nobody is obligated to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't make you happy.

2011-09-30T02:48:41+00:00

Her blatant disregard for herself and health should be the primary concern.

Meades_Loves_Memes · 2011-09-30T03:28:50+00:00

You are not in the wrong at all. As much as people in this world like to pretend that appearance is not important (mostly the people who are not so sightly), it is. Appearance is a very important aspect of our lives. The appearance of a person reflects so many things, from health, to self control, and most importantly, we as humans are programmed to be attracted to an appearance that resembles the good health and personality of a person who would be a good mate. As soon as that attraction is gone, a relationship turns to turmoil. You helped as much as you could, but her shitty attitude wouldn't let you help.

Fuck her, find a more attractive, responsible person.

Finkarelli · 2011-09-30T03:31:34+00:00

You're the villain because haters gonna hate.

ThePigman · 2011-09-30T05:21:04+00:00

You are the bad guy because you are a guy. If you had whaled up and she had left you, it would have been a sign that she has too much self respect to settle for Jabba the Butt.

gprime · 2011-09-30T05:36:47+00:00

Invariably, a certain percentage of the population is insane, your ex's friends seemingly among them. I recall one occasion where I dumped a girl and her friend actually had the audacity to slap me, and then got another guy to try and hold me down so she could do it again. It was resolved when I struck both of them in the stomach with full force. But obviously it should never have had to come to that, since the response of a normal person isn't to get violent over a break up, especially when they're not an an involved party.

2011-09-30T06:33:56+00:00

Dude, fuck her friends, since when has a ex girlfriend friends ever been reasonable or fair? Don't let that shit bother you.

InHarmsWay · 2011-09-30T13:05:44+00:00

You spent six months doing everything you can to help her lose wait from getting a gym membership, cooking healthy foods, etc. You made all the effort to ensure her physically well being. This was real dedication. She didn't deserve you.

2011-09-30T15:11:32+00:00

Haven't you seen the commercials? Fat is SEXY. Get with the program man... lol (seriously, I'm sorry for your unfortunate situation.)

Scott2508 · 2011-09-30T15:12:46+00:00

honestly you dodged a bullet , if the spark was gone you get out , no amount of her claiming that fat = real woman will work , i love how modern culture in an effort to make fat women feel good about themselves has made this the norm , As someone who lost 200lbs through hard work after piling it on while on steroids i may sound harsh but being fat isnt real, its just a precursor to ill health and shorter lives.

Plus im sick of feminists telling us we are wrong for not finding a group attractive its a total joke.

2011-09-30T15:42:24+00:00

Declare bankruptcy, say you sold all your possessions and plan to live off the land. Then ask her for marriage. PROBLEM SOLVED!

zenmushroom · 2011-09-30T16:16:30+00:00

They're her friends, so of course they're going to use whatever cannon fodder they can against you. From the situation you described, its not merely physical appearance that was wrong with the relationship. It sounds like the problem is she stopped "trying" in general. If she got horribly disfigured in an accident, and you left her, that would be an asshole thing to do. But in this situation she was clearly making life choices to not improve the relationship.

dbfuru · 2011-10-01T14:35:57+00:00

You did what was best for you. No point staying in a relationship where you aren't attracted to that person anymore.

I hate it when I see people in a relationship for arbitrary reasons.

2011-09-30T03:50:38+00:00

Plug her measurements into whichever formula you prefer. I assume you use the English system since you gave her weight in pounds. Then see where her Body Mass Index places her in the table.

BMI = kilograms / meters²

BMI = lb * 703 / in²

BMI	Classification
< 18.5	underweight
18.5 - 24.9	normal weight
25.0 - 29.9	overweight
30.0 - 34.9	class I obesity
35.0 - 39.9	class II obesity
>= 40	class III obesity

The average height for American females is 63.8 inches, and you said she weighs about 245 pounds. That would put her BMI at 42.31, or class III obesity! That is VERY bad.

FreddyDeus · 2011-09-30T12:09:58+00:00

Actually, the guy is always the bad guy in a break-up. Most women seem to behave as though men are just not entitled to end relationships.

If she initiates, you're to blame as well.

I have a simple theory. Women just do not take rejection to well. Men, who are still expected to pursue women, have to get used to rejection pretty quickly or get used to 'forever alone'. Women don't have to come to terms with this so much.

Plus many women are full-on egocentrics as well.

And yes, mataharidojo is correct. Her friends will always take her side. Fuck them though, they're not important.

McFurious · 2011-09-30T15:52:01+00:00

Ya my ex's friends hate me too. I don't give a single fuck and neither should you. They're idiots.

Though, I agree with Offensive_Brute that you should have let her know WAY before she got up to 245lbs, judging by her reaction to your efforts to help her lose the weight, it probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway. The advantage though is you could have gotten rid of her worthless ass a lot sooner.

parlor_tricks · 2011-09-30T18:08:33+00:00

Some tough love:

You are either shallow or naive/dumb. I'm voting on naive/dumb.

Case for being dumb:

You could have left without being an idiot, giving some other reasons, the usual - Its not me its you etc. etc.

The fact that you didn't puts your social intelligence/perceptive skills as suspect. - Further signs to support this:

"Cooked healthy food, enrolled in dance classes, healthy cooking classes" and then you say "I don't mention her weight."

Actions speak louder than words, and you pretty much screamed to everyone that her figure matters.

From there you went to "we have nothing in common." Red flags.

Case for Shallow: You were insensitive, and left in a manner where you care more about how she looked than she felt/was. You went and tried to "fix" her, and manipulate her environment. You also left in a terrible manner.

Offensive_Brute · 2011-09-29T23:25:53+00:00

you are the villain because your a fucking asshole. Obviously you were so supportive you made her feel comfortable getting that fat. then you left her. Now shes got to fight back to get in shape so she can snare another man and get fat again. You should have started bitching after the first 25lbs and you should have bailed after the first 50lbs. Some times being patient and understanding is a bad thing.

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