Divorce and Young Kids

Paradiseplunge · 2022-02-01T20:07:16+00:00

I left when she was 3 and she is 8 now. It would have been better to stay a little longer. Going thru custody battle now and she pulled the order of protection shield. Have not seen or talked to my daughter in over a month. Lawyers get involved and it gets worse and more drawn out. And she has a new bf. He has not been around my daughter yet. My soon to be ex is just ferrying her away to her grandmas every weekend so she can spend time with this guy. Meanwhile I love two minutes away and can’t see her. It’s awful. Hopefully karma catches up to her. I’m a good dad and I miss my child. It has effected me greatly. I even quit my job because of the stress.

Dunklerverfaast · 2022-02-01T21:43:29+00:00

My son was 6 month old when she broke the Dyson on me. My son was watching as she hit me repeatedly and I sat there like always knowing full well if I hit her back, I will go to jail and loose my kid forever.

I kept looking into his eyes as I was getting hit with the pipe extension. I filed for divorce next day.

Even when we found it after that she was pregnant, I didn't take my decision back.

Multiple DV calls, 2 month of parental alienation, $100k down the drain and still no end in sight, it was the best decision I made.

Both of my sons are super attached to me. I don't regret my decision. Either I could stay with her and make sure that the very cycle of abuse that made her who she is continue on for my kids, or maybe maybe, I can give them a remote chance of not being a complete fuck up.

I took that fucking chance...

chicken_po_boy · 2022-02-02T04:11:31+00:00

My kids were 11 and 13 when my ex and I decided to split. We have 50/50 placement. In my experience...

Bad things about getting divorced:
1) I don't get to see my kids 100% of the time.
2) Financial obligations (e.g. child support)

Good things about getting divorced:
1) Time with the kids is more special and fun
2) Social life has improved substantially
3) My sex life is amazing
4) I have freedom to live my life how I want
5) I have more money now (yes, more) because I don't have someone spending every dime
6) Financial obligations won't go on forever

I understand the desire to remain in the marriage for the sake of the kids, because I did exactly that for years. But knowing what I know now, I would have pulled the plug much sooner. I/my ex/the kids are all much happier now.

throwsadaccountxxx · 2022-02-01T20:22:34+00:00

She left me so I had no choice. My daughter is 5. It's young, it's really not easy and I'm a strong advocate of the make it work for the kids. Also at some point people fail to embrace the companionship phase of long term relationships.

HaloJonez · 2022-02-01T21:01:26+00:00

I’m just about to do the same. Two girls 8 and 4 and it’s ripping my guts out. I’ve hung on for the last 3 years but the other day I lost my shot for the first time and was angry at my toxic wife in front of the girls. I don’t want to see a father mad, sad and bitter and grow up thinking that’s normal. So I’m leaving. It hurts already but it is the best outcome as far as I can see. All I have is guilt, anger and heartbreak at what I have to do so at least when they are able to be with me, they see a happy, healthy and calm dad. Seriously, why are women such a mindfuck?

CommanderOfCheese45 · 2022-02-02T16:01:49+00:00

I've got a 2 year old (initiated the process when he was only 1). I've also got two elementary schoolers and a middle schooler.

Ultimately I determined that it was better for the kids if they had at least one home where they nobody was getting yelled at all the time for no reason at all. After having been separated for quite some time, the oldest two are now asking to stay with me full time, with the oldest being willing to testify that her mom is verbally abusive and neglectful.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-02-01T20:10:44+00:00

The longer you stay married, the more expensive it gets, not less as you portray as a risk in your post.

50/50 Custody is the hill to die on...period.

That gives your children the time they deserve with you, and it completely changes the child support calculation.

The sooner you divorce, the easier the alimony calculation is.

As I said, shelter in place will only make it more expensive, not less.

25_years · 2022-02-01T20:27:00+00:00

... not being able to protect them from her
future partners and lifestyle

Well, that's a real concern. Unfortunately, legally, there's nothing you can do about that. After you divorce, you have no control over her (just like she has no control over you).

DeJohn123 · 2022-02-01T20:46:51+00:00

My daughters are 3 and 1... she left and it kills me to know I see them half of the time I would before. They seem to grow up so fast at that age, even faster when you see them 50% of time.
As for staying or going, I can't give you anything from my personal experience, as I didn't want the divorce and would've chosen to stay regardless.

But from what I read, if the marriage is hostile (ie fights, shouting etc.) then it's better to split up than risk the kids thinking that's a "normal" marriage, though it comes with a caveat of all marriages having arguments. If you do stay together for the kids, might I suggest you and wifey having rules and boundaries, such as waiting til the kids are asleep to hammer out any disagreements.

azwildcat74 · 2022-02-01T21:44:53+00:00

Sock day was back in November, I have kids who are 6 and 3. 3 yo was just excited to get two houses, it was and is harder for the 6yo. It has gotten easier with therapy but she is still sad. That said, it needed to happen when it did and my advice to you would be to not wait it out if its an inevitability in your mind anyways. Show your kids healthy love instead of what you're in, they can sense it I promise you and that will become normalized for them and what they have for themselves.

akuvkdgm1246u · 2022-02-02T01:08:10+00:00

I'm in the same boat. 5 and 3 year old boys. Toxic relationship with an emotionally and mentally abusive wife. Went numb / emotionally distant to try to ride it out til the kids were older. Then while I was recovering from surgery, she let me know that she can't take it anymore and we need to divorce.

We have been through multiple therapists. Some flashes of normalcy, but overall nothing but misery. I need my kids to see me at my best. And I have gotten far from that. Onward.

SirOssis · 2022-02-02T03:07:04+00:00

We divorced when my youngest was 16 - after 21 years together. The kids turned out just fine but part of me feels like I wasted a big chunk of my life by staying with her. There is no easy answer to your question. I wish you luck - it’s not an easy road to walk down. But it does end.

47omek · 2022-02-02T20:07:48+00:00

I waited til mine were 6 and 4, and they're now 8 and 6 after a couple years divorced. I knew I'd have to divorce her at least 3 years earlier. So I waited, with my reasoning being 1) I needed at least the older child in school to give the child ties to the community and avoid the attempted move-away 2) the youngest was old enough to have formed strong bonds with each of us and not be as badly affected by periods of absence that shared custody would bring 3) That gave me time to have a long history of well-documented Superdadness where there were many third parties who could corroborate on the witness stand how involved in parenting my children I was - knowing I had that in my back pocket made it easy for me to pack up my stuff in mediation and get ready to walk out when she wouldn't agree to 50/50 parenting time - after which point she caved (in return for monetary considerations of course like most women). The best way to protect your children from her future partners and lifestyle is to have at least 50% parenting time and show them on your time what a calm, loving, supportive household can be like.

dogsrule2019 · 2022-02-01T23:24:18+00:00

Brother--I'm sorry. Not much else I can say. Just hang in there and take it a day at the time. If you're not already start being the best person and father you can possibly be. Not to put on a show but to send a message. Do anything you can with/for your kids. Strengthen the bonds. Be as nice as you can with the stbx if she'll allow it. You both win if so. Breathe deep. Push heavy weight if you can. There is light on the other side. We're here for you.

sicrm · 2022-02-01T23:31:20+00:00

pick a day, grab a notepad and take a drive somewhere.

then write out the pros and cons of staying. also how you ideally want the rest of your life to go and does your wife fit into that life? if she doesn’t, do you see a way to change that?

and if you bring that notepad back with you, make sure those papers are somewhere no one else will see.

hkbk2011 · 2022-02-02T00:45:39+00:00

she left me with m daughters. 3 and 5 We were in toxic relationship for years. In fact we divorced 3 years ago but we still lived together until she decided to leave last aug. I get to visit them couple hrs a day only at her place. It’s ok as long as I get to see the kids. I live day to day hoping for the best

pegleg_legal · 2022-02-02T02:02:50+00:00

Attorneys are not there to nudge you one way or another on whether to get divorced. They can inform your decision in terms of consequences and legal status, but they shouldn't be advocating for you to get divorced or against it. Can't outsource that decision, man.

hombredelgato · 2022-02-02T13:44:31+00:00

3 daughters. 18, 15, 9 at the divorce.

I didn't stay for them. I stayed because it took me that long to start believing I deserved more from her than I was getting. When I filed my oldest told me that she and her sisters knew that one day I would divorce their mom because they could see how frustrated and unhappy I was, even when I wasn't aware of it in myself.

I believe that children would rather come FROM a broken home, than be IN a broken home. In my case, this is proven to be true. My life is more stable; I am happier; I have the peace I need to be the best dad I can be; I am able to save up money and afford things for them I couldn't before; I have work/life balance I didn't have when I was trying to avoid her; and the list continues.

This is ALL so much better for my kids than the status quo they lived with.

PineappleLow71 · 2022-02-02T17:05:06+00:00

Repair your marriage. Whatever you and your wife have to do, be humble and do it. Your precious children will thank you.

JonathanApple · 2022-02-02T17:38:19+00:00

Try to fix things if you can. That was my hope. You may have a partner that has no interest in that. In which case, you may have no choice. At least you don't have to live with that decision.

I am sure at times my ex regrets not even trying. Maybe not, she may just be pure evil.

As a child of divorced parents splitting up ain't always roses for the kid no matter what experts and articles may tell you. Trust me, I lived that side too.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-02-02T21:49:18+00:00

Get out if the marriage is not fixable. I too debated for a long time as I had a very young son less than a year old at the time. Ex was verbally/mentally abusive, counseling failed because she thought she was perfect etc. Decided I could be a better father and person away from her so i made that choice. It's not easy, you'll struggle but with each day it gets better and plenty on here have great advice on improving yourself. Focus on yourself and your precious kids and you wont go wrong.

greenbeansdump · 2022-02-02T02:35:12+00:00

Woman here, with joint custody - I waited until my kids were 17, 15 & 12. It’s been a bit harder on the 12 year old. Mostly because she didn’t see the turmoil as much as the older kids. My middle child “gets it”. My oldest told me a few months after moving out that he was mad I didn’t do it years ago. Best of luck to you. Follow your instincts and as long as you’re available and supportive for your kids emotionally and keep the communication open, the connections will be strong.

DisJr · 2022-02-05T02:08:42+00:00

Signed with a lawyer today. Kids are 8 and 5. Been living with emotional abuse for awhile. Wife has been a mostly absent mother for our whole marriage, especially the past 2 years with covid.

I feel like I've raised them myself, especially my 5 year old.

Had been thinking about it for awhile. Very passive on the decision, but felt like she crossed a line yesterday when she lost her temper with my 5 year old for him eating one "her" snacks... Son said she had hit him (wish I had video of it).

I've stuck it out for awhile because of the kids, but more likely because I didn't have the energy (physical or emotional) to go through with it. Now, I feel like I have no choice.

Title	Divorce and Young Kids
Author	PuiPuiAdagio
Upvotes	17
Comments	56
Date	February 1, 2022 8:00 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/si41gc/divorce_and_young_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce-and-young-kids.1100286 https://theredarchive.com/post/1100286

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