Nagging is abuse

CawlinAlcarz · 2022-04-11T15:34:32+00:00

Honestly, I think a lot of this whole concept comes down to healthy communication in a realtionship. I forget where I first heard it, but I love to reuse the statement that: "Communication is the K-Y Jelly of life".

Most of this stuff revolves around the partners not actually communicating their wishes to the other partner, but instead, assuming that the other partner should either KNOW just by virtue of some sort of telepathy, or by being "attentive" enough what the other wanted without them having to say it, or by one partner assuming that their perspective is the only acceptable one and that no negotiation is warranted or necessary. BOTH of these are failures of the partner with expectations.

If you walk through life EXPECTING people to fulfill your wishes/desires without having voiced them and asked/negotiated for them, then you own the outcomes. If, on the other hand, a conversation is had and agreements are negotiated, then you have a legit beef if your partner fails to meet an agreed upon standard.

The absurdity of it all is the double standard that lives around this issue. As noted in one of the posts below, a wife nagging a husband constantly for whatever is fine and expected, but a husband asking for something like sex can be viewed as criminal coercion.

gnuban · 2022-04-11T14:50:26+00:00

What really bothers me is the "job supervisor" attitude; as soon as you show yourself you get a task assigned. "Can you hand me that other bag". Like sure, but you were already grabbing it anyway and me getting involved is not going to make it any faster.

Mycroft033 · 2022-04-11T22:29:11+00:00

Okay, so how do we define nagging?

UnconventionalXY · 2022-04-11T15:00:17+00:00

Nagging is harassment, pure and simple: it's trying to verbally coerce someone to do something they obviously don't want to do or freely consent to do. In the environment of sexuality, with genders reversed, it's considered a crime.

Nagging is often paired with threats which are essentially attempts at extorting what one person wants. How did we get to the stage of people feeling they are entitled to something and the end justifies the means in obtaining it?

If someone does not want to do something, that's their choice which needs to be respected, however choices do come with consequences, but these can be outlined without making threats and if the situation doesn't change then those consequences may be actioned and the cards fall where they may.

People have a right not to be coerced and in my opinion, sexual harassment needs to be replaced with non-gendered general harassment for it to be non-discriminatory, just as domestic violence needs to be replaced with more generic domestic abuse.

donthatemeloljoke · 2022-04-11T13:57:06+00:00

Yeah I'd agree. With the preposition of "hostile" or "excessive" nagging. As otherwise you could claim a husband not doing "x" task that caused the nagging is also abusive.

So I'd say I agree if it's unjust nagging

rabel111 · 2022-04-11T21:08:22+00:00

Nagging, "happy wife happy life", the "better half", etc, all these matriarchial tropes are evidence of women's violence against men.

Alarming_Draw · 2022-04-11T21:17:41+00:00

YES-SO glad to FINALLY see this point being made.

In an age when "staring" at women is "abuse"/"Complementing" is "abuse"

So why dont we have public advertising campaigns informing men that, contrary to what most of society believes, it is NOT okay that women constantly belittle, harangue and nag men over issues?!

LatinoEsq · 2022-04-11T17:43:28+00:00

I think we, as men in this group, have to be careful before we subscribe to blanket ideas such as "nagging is abuse". Because if we just start signing off on these things in such a fashion then that would make us no better than the modern day victim mentality the majority of these social groups are quick to throw in everyone's face.

Of course this isn't meant to write off the idea completely but every situation needs to be taken at face value. What exactly are you talking about when you say "nagging"? Is it your wife complaining about you not helping with the household chores? With the children? Have you considered whether you might actually be part of the problem? I, proudly, do a lot around my house with no issue (washing dishes, cleaning the floors, picking up toys) but I'm far from perfect. Sometimes when we're getting ready I get caught up watching a ballgame while the wife is getting herself and our daughter ready and packing the baby's bag. I can't blame her when she calls me out on it.

Is it a legitimate beef she's bringing? If its because you want to hang with the boys, something you don't often do, yea it may be a form of control she's exerting. But you also should take it into context and determine if she's making a lot out of it. I had an ex-girlfriend that would get upset and nag me every time I'd go out with the boys. A reason why she's my ex. My wife never complains even if I tell her she may not see me until next morning.

In the end, much of this comes down to communication and figuring out if you may be part of the problem. But my overall message is the same that we need to be careful before we start making these "microaggressions" (I hate that word) part of an overall concept that we're victims. Lets not go down that path.

KneeDeepThought · 2022-04-11T21:19:54+00:00

We have laws against inflicting pain on others unless it's in their ears.

Seawolf40 · 2022-04-12T09:24:52+00:00

Congratulations! We need to teach the young dudes this right off the bat. Don't tolerate this crap.

hearyoume14 · 2022-04-11T20:57:59+00:00

Hmm. I grew up with the idea that if someone doesn’t want to do what you want to do then you have to make them. I frequently heard “you won’t do something unless I yell at about it” .Honestly with my ADHD (I was diagnosed as a kid but it was treated like a child only learning disability at the time) I need multiple reminders whether by alarm or person.

I had to look up what nagging is. I consider flirting to be over friendliness so I just assumed nagging was just repeated reminders.Thinking about my socialization classes not bringing it up and letting non-dangerous stuff go seems to be a better way to do things.

Our/ my rule is shared spaces stay at a minimum level and personal spaces must be free of biological hazards but stuff lasagna is fine.

SnooMarzipans5669 · 2022-04-11T21:42:55+00:00

Lol...yes!

PTSDgroomer2021 · 2022-04-12T03:18:35+00:00

Define “nagging” ?

Like I could nag (jokingly ask him if he likes being a velociraptor) my boyfriend about cutting his toe nails but we both wouldn’t call that verbal abuse?

My boyfriend nags me about stuff too but our definition of nagging isn’t verbal abuse… verbal abuse is verbal abuse…

I think there can be many interpretations of the word “nagging”.

Sorry your wife is verbally abusing you.

onlysaysMMMRAAHW · 2022-04-11T13:53:54+00:00

I agree. I will also add that if a woman feels she needs to nag a lot in a relationship especially over things like household chores, then the relationship is doomed. Might as well just break up and find someone compatible

FactsArentHate · 2022-04-11T21:26:18+00:00

100%

It is verbal, emotional and domestic abuse. But it will never be treated as such because pussypass. Infuriating.

It seems to me that men on this planet have 3 options:

Live in a femnazi hellhole where you get treated as toxic for your anatomy get called privileged by people who can't get drafted.
Live in a violence strewn hellhole where at least you're allowed to be male and women don't have power over you at every moment.
Live in a disease strewn hellhole for the same as 2.

Fuck this planet, fuck this species.

Movingforward123456 · 2022-04-11T20:40:46+00:00

Excessively Nagging you to do things you agreed you’d do but forgot to do might be annoying but is understandable and not abuse to me. Nagging you to do things you said you won’t do or clearly don’t have any plan to do or likely way of coming up with a plan to do might be abuse. For example, constantly nagging you about how you don’t make money as much as someone else she knows is pretty rude, maybe abusive. I usually just tell girls immediately that they’re being rude and need to stop. That usually works. If they can’t stop u just gotta break up with them. That sounds like hell

StingRayFins · 2022-04-11T16:03:52+00:00

It definitely is. I'm glad we're catching on to other forms of violence that aren't physical. Our society tends to only record physical violence: murders, assault, etc.

I think abuse can be mental, bullying, threat, manipulation, gas lighting, mind games, guilt tripping, etc.

Many of these also cause physical violence. So yeah, we need to identify it asap and get rid of it before it spirals out of control.

LettuceBeGrateful · 2022-04-11T17:26:37+00:00

I think nagging can be a vessel for verbal abuse, sure. I'd stop short of saying all nagging is abuse, but maybe I'm just being pedantic.

syro23 · 2022-04-11T17:45:34+00:00

Just watch what happens when you do the exact same thing back to your spouse. Women do not like being nagged! it's very much a one way street.

MrPernicious · 2022-04-11T20:05:24+00:00

Nagging is psychological Chinese water torture. You don't notice the drips at first but they wear you down over time. You don't know when the next one is coming but you do know that it is coming and you're not looking forward to it.

ETA: LOL, apparently this is controversial but I have no idea why. Anyone care to explain?

MrPernicious · 2022-04-11T20:22:13+00:00

I have actually put in earplugs while my GF was bitching and then continued about my business.

TFME1 · 2022-04-11T19:15:30+00:00

It's a question of Frequency, Intensity and duration... Excessive frequency, excessive Intensity, excessive duration or any combination of the above is absolutely mental, emotional and/or spiritual abuse.

Where men's abuse, whether justified or not, typically arrives in a flood, like a broken dam, women's abuse of men is delivered in a drip, drip, drip, like a leaky faucet (usually building up behind the dam, if the man doesn't have a responsible, reliable and functional "relief valve").

As there aren't any monolithic blocks in any segment of humanity, there are absolutely exceptions to these general rules...

Nagging, false accusations, lack of trust, constant phishing (treating a man like a child), unrealistic expectations, etc... These are all forms of mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse.

So much for women being the "fairer sex"... Wait..."Fairer gender"... Wait..."Fairer ?"... Don't know... Apparently, women don't exist, because no one knows how to define them...

Human beings are all neurotic, but women definitely win the "stupid prize", for playing the "stupid game", way more frequently on this one.

Wbn0822 · 2022-06-29T20:21:28+00:00

Nagging translates to “I’m not going to shut up until you do what I want you to do”

ascendsouthafrica · 2022-04-11T23:00:06+00:00

I disagree.

At its worst, 'nagging' is nothing more than a byproduct of poor communication.

Perhaps worse trauma in your relationship can lead you to paint most even mildly negative experiences with the same red brush - Don't do that, it's a trap, and you'll suffer far more if you fail to sort through your trauma and separate the poison from the fertiliser.

Go on well friend, I wish you the best for your recovery.

Wilddog73 · 2022-04-12T01:30:20+00:00

I agree.

anothergoodbook · 2022-04-12T01:35:23+00:00

As a wife, I try very, very hard not to nag. I think a lot of it tends to come down also what is considered nagging. Many women think they’re being helpful, when in reality it isn’t helpful at all and it comes across as nagging. My husband is irritated with the way my sisters and mom talk and “help”. He would see it as nagging - I see it as my mom or sisters being helpful in a way. Like when my mom calls again to see if I took care of something I keep forgetting. I’m like, “oh she remembered that. How sweet”. My husband is like, “yeah - no. I’m not a child”. Since I care about my husband - I try to communicate in a way that shows I care. Thankfully we both have grace and forgiveness for the other because neither one of us is perfect. When I get anxious, yep I get naggy. And he gets annoyed. Then we figure it out. Or he forgets something and I get annoyed and we figure that out.

UnconventionalXY · 2022-04-12T03:47:05+00:00

According to wikipedia, nagging:

The word is derived from the Scandinavian nagga, which means "to gnaw".Reporter Elizabeth Bernstein defined, in a Wall Street Journal article,nagging as "the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes arequest, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both becomeincreasingly annoyed".

According to the Oxford dictionary, nagging:

early 19th century (originally dialect in the sense ‘gnaw’): perhaps of Scandinavian or Low German origin; compare with Norwegian and Swedish nagga ‘gnaw, irritate’ and Low German (g)naggen ‘provoke’.

What definitions don't tell you is the intent behind nagging or suggest the ethical concept of autonomy and that requests don't entitle one to the outcome required or that someone be harassed until that entitlement is achieved.

no_user_ID_found · 2022-04-12T08:46:32+00:00

I’m gonna use this next time the wife is nagging about my underwear or dirty socks laying somewhere on the floor instead of the laundry bin.

bibkel · 2022-04-12T09:05:15+00:00

What do you consider nagging?

raja600 · 2022-04-12T12:02:01+00:00

Totally agree. This is what my Mum has been doing to my Dad for their whole marriage. It has destroyed my Dad, it makes me very sad. She is the reason why I’ve never even thought about getting married.

cardboardbob99 · 2022-04-11T17:40:19+00:00

Women are naturally, on average, much more passive or indirect than the average man. So I’d argue you have to be a bit judicious about when you’re really getting nagged at vs just being frustrated they won’t ask you for something directly.

Personally, I’d much prefer to just be asked to do something directly instead of being waterboarded with a bunch of other nonsense or lead up. But sometimes that’s just the way things are. Important we don’t fault women for how they are otherwise we’re no better than radical feminists

Throwawaysei95 · 2022-04-11T21:25:59+00:00

It’s case by case. I communicate things well with my partner. But I HATE having to say something multiple times which he knows. I guess at that point you can call it nagging. For example, we just moved into an apt and I’ve had to ask several times for him to pick up and organize his video game equipment. He doesn’t want me touching his stuff. You can definitely say that I was nagging at that point. But the other party needs to recognize when they are in the wrong as well. I think nagging CAN be abuse but again, it just depends on the situation and I wouldn’t go around saying nagging is abuse.

McKUltra22 · 2022-04-11T23:53:41+00:00

Can you elaborate?

Title	Nagging is abuse
Author	Use_me_one_time
Upvotes	363
Comments	135
Date	April 11, 2022 1:34 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/u17wfa/nagging_is_abuse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/nagging-is-abuse.1110351 https://theredarchive.com/post/1110351

Comments