Do you sometimes think whether you come across a single and compatible HVM who likes you back is beyond your control more than anything else in life?

__kamikaze__ · 2022-04-05T21:23:56+00:00

Definitely. I’m extremely selective— or as others call me “picky”.

Many men have liked me but I didn’t like them back, and of course the ones I do like are usually gay or taken. I’ve learned to accept that many variables are beyond my control, so I prefer to focus on things I do have control over (career, friendships, exercise etc).

ANewPride · 2022-04-05T20:09:39+00:00

All the work that this sub suggests fulfills the most basic and simple (while somehow also the most complicated and sophisticated) dating advice ever: be happy single or you can't be happy in a relationship.

In order to do this you have to build your skills, improve as a person, clean your room (literally and metaphorically), take care of your health, take care of your appearance, level up in your career, be involved in and build up your community, advocate for womens and other minority groups rights, put energy into your hobbies and passions, etc. It isn't easy!

Despite the name I genuinely believe FDS goes BEYOND dating and actually is a general guide to improving your life. And that's because you have to start being happy single before you can be happy married/partnered.

Following FDS guides you should improve on your weak spots and strengthen where you're strong. It's a recipe for a happy life in spite of all the degradation and oppression women face every moment. What could be better that?

Finding a man is wonderful, love and being loved are wonderful, but it is not and should not be your whole purpose as a woman. That is a lie the patriarchy sells us to keep women from reaching their maximum potential and accepting the bare minimum or less than it. It is the reason why the var for men is BELOW hell.

It is hard to find a good man, and a lot of people never will. Rather than becoming hopeless, focus on improving what you can, yourself and maybe even your girl friends around you. Even if you don't find someone, you will be happier than you would have been if you were tied down to a low value, no value, or negative value scrote and you will be more successful than you would have been otherwise.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2022-04-05T21:41:33+00:00

It is absolutely beyond your control. You don't just need to meet him, the circumstances must be favorable for this relationship to continue for years and decades.

Some get lucky, others don't. What I have learned so far is to be OK with the very real possibility of never meeting such person. Life is beautiful with or without a partner.

Edit: I still think that dating is worth the shot, especially for women who want to have a family. And even if you don't want a family, dating is still fun when you vet property and go out with men who love and respect women, and know how to treat them right.

After all, you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.

Pahapan · 2022-04-05T19:46:07+00:00

It is statistically unlikely that you'll encounter a compatible HVM who you're into and who is also into you. We don't want women to fall into a scarcity mindset, to lower their standards and settle for less, but the unfortunate reality is that we live in a patriarchal, misogynistic, sexist society and the result is that HVM are indeed in short supply. HVW outnumber HVM.

Whether or not you choose to continue dating, knowing the odds aren't in your favor, is a personal choice. Dating factually opens you up to risk and danger. Every women needs to decide if the risk is worth the possibility of meeting a compatible HVM.

I personally recommend decentering men from one's life. Focus on healing, exploring your own inner world, pursing things that bring you fulfillment and happiness. Every woman should aim to get to a place in their journey where whether or not they ever find a HVM, they are truly happy regardless. Finding a man shouldn't be the priority in your life. You should be the priority. Evolving as a human being, expanding your complexities, healing your inner child. Seek enlightenment, not a man.

Consequentially, this decentering of men will actually increase your chances of finding a HVM. HVM date HVW, and the more you pour into yourself and fill your own cup the more HV you become. The more you focus on your own interests and hobbies, the more likely you are to meet a compatible HVM. But this filling of your own cup needs to truly be for yourself and your own benefit, it shouldn't be approached with the mindset of, "This'll help me find a HVM."

masterofthebarkarts · 2022-04-05T19:22:12+00:00

It's true - you can't control whether the right person comes into your life or not. All you can do is build a wonderful life you are totally fulfilled by, which quite frankly increases your likelihood of encountering someone HV.

While lots of guys suck, I do think this sub suffers from a pretty foundational bias, which is that most of us have dealt mostly with shitty guys, so we start to feel like HVM are like 1% of guys, whereas I'd argue they're anywhere from 10-20% of guys, depending on the circles you travel in. We talk a lot about our unhealthy and unhappy relationships because happy, healthy relationships don't require much talking about.

I didn't know a lot of really kind, good people until I started to level up myself and pay attention to how people treated me. When I met my husband, I started encountering more people (men and women) who were really inspiring to me. I also recognized my own limiting behaviours - I really liked guys who were very funny and kind of "dominated" social interactions, but those guys are (often!) douchebags.

The more I seek to better myself, the more I encounter men who I genuinely like. The more I filter out LV people, the more I seem to see HV people around me.

If something happened to my husband, as horrible as that would be, I would be confident in my ability to be happily single, thanks in part to this sub, but I would also be confident in my ability to find and appreciate a HVM again because now I know what they look like. I know how to recognize them. It would probably take like 5 years, but I don't doubt that there are other good people out there and I trust my own ability to see them.

finalbosskitten · 2022-04-05T20:20:34+00:00

Agreed.

I met one a cute one while ago (2 years ago?). I don't talk about him for privacy reasons - FDS super fans are feral - but, yeah, I'm in love and happy. We're planning a trip to Japan soon. He's been there and wants to show me his favorite places and the places I've always wanted to go. I've had so many amazing experiences with him that I'm like, "uh-huh, if this doesn't work out I'm gonna throw in the towel." It's weird but it's like this soul-caressing sense of satiety....I'm just in my 20s. Look. I have always had a ginormous negativity bias if that isn't obvious by my other posts. It has helped me avoid bad relationships and friendships, and clock plenty of shady guys masquerading as nice guys, but it's there. I'm very much the type of person that won't take a huge risk even if the prize is Heaven itself. Putting it straight--many if not most guys...and Pickmes...overtly do not value most of the things that inevitably will matter in a long-term relationship. And it goes deep. You can't even fully account for how things will be in 10 years either. So many guys actually do mask off years into a relationship, it's just people almost never listen to women. I don't want to bother with a relationship unless it's super ideal, like the one I'm in now is to me.
Idc about the "b-but it's unrealistic" stuff, lol.

Relationships are a lot of work--also, early dating should be fun but it really isn't. 😩Also why I laugh when "women use men for free food" comes up. Like, holy shit, a bad date can ruin my week even if I ate the best thing ever. Granted, men are the ones that keep on bragging, "sex is like pizza, even bad pizza is pizza" so...they're projecting how they're able to ignore horrible things if they get one compartmentalized benefit. ^{aka toxic masculinity}

warinmymind94 · 2022-04-06T05:02:41+00:00

The reality of fds is understandable that it will be difficult and statistically unlikely to find a hvm, and being happy single otherwise. Because it's better to be happy and single rather than in an abusive bangmaid style marriage with a lvm.

I've honestly stopped focusing on "putting myself out There" and stopped dwelling on how the statistics are against me to find something genuine with a hvm... and instead I'm just sharing my experiences and reading here, and I'm focusing on what I want to do in my life ie cultivating my career and my hobbies. I'm going places and doing things that I want to do.

I'm open to being approached or meeting people granted that the men doing this are clean and respectful of me.

I will not approach men though for a romantic intention.

2022-04-06T04:40:50+00:00

I think it's freeing to realize this, because I used to view gaining love/respect from a man as some super special achievement like a job promotion or degree. It was a false narrative of "if you are as close to perfection as possible, you will affair-proof your relationship teehee!" It is again an impossible double standard.

monaaloha · 2022-04-06T08:54:44+00:00

honestly, once you refuse to settle for mediocre men, extraordinary men find you.

throhawey123 · 2022-04-05T19:33:50+00:00

This is how I feel every time my parents or grandparents make any comments about me being single and unmarried.

“Sure thing aunt Karen, I’ll just mosey on down to the market and pick myself out a man, no big deal!”

GeorgiaPeach_94 · 2022-04-05T20:29:39+00:00

Yeah... I've been thinking about this a lot. I'm a traveller and for the past 8 years, I've wished I could have a partner to travel together, but all I ever met were fuckboys and disordered LVMs.

By contrast, a dear HVM friend who's very relationship oriented started travelling last year following my advice after getting his heart broken and within the first month, he found a lovely, healthy, sane woman (because there is an abundance of those), she snatched him up at once and they've been happily travelling together since.

That's why it's hard to find HVMs... They are relationship oriented and there are plenty of HVWs, so they won't be on the market for long.

It's frustrating that this specific wish I have is something totally out of my control, because it's all down to luck. So, I'm living my best life, since that is something I can control.

indecisive-alice · 2022-04-05T22:03:16+00:00

I think you can control it to an extent, the more people you meet, the chance of meeting a HVM increases. It’s the whole “gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.” Also I don’t think competition is as severe because a lot of women get stuck with LVM or are toxic themselves. I’ve noticed that a lot in friend groups and online.

ceramicunicorn · 2022-04-05T21:24:47+00:00

Relatable. I was just saying in a different comment that relationships are very important to me, but that I have decentered society’s de facto numero uno, “romantic relationship”. We put way, WAY too much emphasis on these as women, considering the statistically low returns on the high investments we must make.

I am open to them with a cishet man (which is why I’m here), but there are so, so many other types of relationships in this world that can nourish our souls that are not sexual. I honestly find freedom in exploring them (the queer community is far more accepting of these alternatives), outside the strict confines of the heteronormative path of fending off a relentless bombardment of sexual desire, by straight men who have not proven at all they can be trusted with my sexual health in their hands. The latter can be so exhausting, and I carefully assess when I need breaks from it, to foster relationships with my family, or collaborators, platonic cuddle buddies, what have you. My current #1 relationship has little to do with romance at all.

Other women, I see exhausting themselves in such a way where there is tunnel vision whereby they must land a man as if it is a mandated task, leading then to being determined to ride that relationship until the wheels fall off once they get him, after so much sunk cost. And it’s not really good for anyone. I’d like to see a dismantling of traditional models/hierarchies of interpersonal connection and inner fulfillment. Most folks are not terribly creative thinkers, and need to get a societal stamp of approval for finding another way before they feel comfortable going that route. I wish there was more encouragement to move outside of tradition- a lot of people would be so much happier.

sleepysiri · 2022-04-06T08:53:06+00:00

I’ve only met one man in my life with a HV personality and this is after about three years of knowing and vetting him and regular interactions, but even though he is extremely HV, some parts of his personality that aren’t necessarily bad, I don’t want in a partner, plus I’m not physically attracted to him at all.

So the chances of meeting a man with a desirable personality and looks that I’d like are slim. I also have specific standards for the kind of relationship I want so even if I meet an attractive HVM, if he proves to be the wrong partner for me which is likely, my chances are negligible.

But I’m not going to give up. I would like companionship and intimacy.

XRoze · 2022-04-05T21:16:15+00:00

I hear you. I try not to engage in defeatist mindsets simply because they serve no practical purpose. I don’t see how I benefit from assuming HVM are scarce and unattainable. All that would do us to make me settle. I see a lot of comments happy to jump on the “well what do you expect??!!!” bandwagon.

I don’t get it. I expect better. Why is that bad? Why is it okay for expectations of men to be that low. They make-up 50% ish of the population. We just gonna give them a free pass cause they have a penis? Half the planet is doomed to suffer bc the other half can’t get it together? It’s so deterministic. So i just don’t buy it and treat whatever LV scrote I encounter as an anomaly and an insult to the rest of men.

thewineyourewith · 2022-04-05T23:55:24+00:00

HVM are rare. If you’re wasting your time with a LVM then you won’t be available when you cross paths with a HVM. That’s why it’s so important to vet and not waste your time.

23eggz · 2022-04-06T00:49:15+00:00

Thats why the whole point is to create a life that makes you happy regardless of whether or not a man will be involved. Decenter men from your life. If a good one comes along then that's great but don't let the "statistics" scare you into accepting a substandard man bc you're definitely not gonna find a hvm if you're stuck spending all your time and effort in a lvm who detracts from your life

2022-04-05T19:47:05+00:00

Yes, it's humbling but still empowering to realize he MIGHT NOT LIKE ME. This stops me from having fantasy relationship and getting carried away with crushes and embarrassing myself in front of guys who don't even like me. It started when I overheard how men talk about women who like them but they don't like, and I realized that if my work crush doesn't like me back, then I want to make sure I'm utmost professional and not this creepy sloppy girl just drooling over him. It's so unprofessional and creepy just like it would be if a man in the workplace I didn't like did it to me. So yes, I put it in God's (or the universe's) hands- I just said God, if there's a man who's meant for me, please let him pursue me and help prepare me for him. Then I let it go and pursued my hobbies and I've met cute guys and friends at the (hobby/sport location) and now that I'm in great shape and a lot happier, I'm more likely to meet the guy anyway.

FDS-GFY · 2022-04-07T22:26:16+00:00

This is a true story. In my teens and 20s the men I liked never liked me back. and that is how I became a pickme.

I am learning now how to pick myself. first and foremost. and if a man wants to come along on the journey, he will let me know.

I have decided it may mean I never get it, but the occasional pain of the loneliness outweighs the stress and the constant pain of living with someone who doesn't treat you well.

queenofswordsxxx · 2022-04-05T19:42:02+00:00

Yes. Whether or not we get to meet the HVM that is the love our life is beyond our control (probability wise) but it doesn't mean we should stop trying.

I find comfort in the fact that this is a universal experience. Most people don't have any control over who they get to meet & whether or not they meet a HV person.

Amal Clooney once said in an interview (referring to love and marriage):“It's the one thing in life that I think is the biggest determinant of happiness, and it's the thing you have the least control over."

I think she encapsulates it perfectly. She also thought she was going to be a spinster until she met George. Didn't stop her from trying to improve her life and seek love though.

Colour_riot · 2022-04-06T14:10:25+00:00

Yes but I acknowledge that I'm picky af in just the looks department alone (have probably met ~5 men in my entire life whom I thought were good-looking, I'm literally not attracted even to the typical "Chad") and I'm okay with that.

It doesn't mean I'll always be happy, but I'm happier this way than being married to a HVM who loves me but I don't love back.

I also don't want to make someone else unhappy by causing them to be married to someone who doesn't love them

FWIW, alot of marriages seem to involve this sort of settling and the woman saying that she "learned" to love her husband. Ugh no?

luxurycomedyoohyeah · 2022-04-06T00:14:48+00:00

Yes, luck has to be in your favour, but the alternatives are 1) staying single and not dating ever or 2) settling for less and ending up in a less than ideal situation. Like you said though, even if things don't entirely work out, you'll learn from the experience and become more solid in your sense of self.

cakewalkofshame · 2022-04-06T21:52:11+00:00

Oh, it's 100% beyond my control, lol. There simply are not enough to go around.

No-your-mother · 2022-08-24T12:04:00+00:00

Could I speak to the man in charge?

No-your-mother · 2022-08-24T12:04:06+00:00

Could I speak to the man in charge?

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