Fixing your marriage, what did you try to do?

Tiger_27 · 2022-06-21T11:01:05+00:00

I fixed my marriage by loosing 125 lbs.

I divorced my wife!

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-06-21T08:52:08+00:00

Marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money, brains and time. You cannot negotiate genuine desire. Negotiated desire only leads to obligated compliance, which results in resentment by both parties.

Your wife is not one-in-a-million, she's one-of-a-million.

EmotionSix · 2022-06-21T10:52:27+00:00

Resentment is a relationship killer. Can both of you move forward without feeling contempt for past wrongs? Do you both want to repair your relationship?

Counseling works only if everybody is willing to make changes. A method I liked was Terry Real’s “Fierce Intimacy.” It’s only available as an audiobook but it’s free for first-time users of Audible. I really, truly love this counselor’s approach to healing a marriage, but it only works if everyone is committed to change.

Dull_Description_710 · 2022-06-21T12:14:25+00:00

My wife fell out of love with me. And she realized that at marriage counseling. We tried a few counselors and then she asked for time and space. So I moved out. And in the time and space, she asked for a divorce. I've worked on my self a lot - quit weed (a lot) and drinking (not much), upped my fitness, reading, therapy, hot tea, healthy diet, good people in my corner. They all said I couldn't tell her I changed, I had to show her. I started to, and then she asked for a divorce.

I made one last ditch effort to tell her all of they bings I had learned. And then wrote her a letter. I didn't everything I could think of to save it, but the bottom line is she fell out of love with me. I can't change how she feels; I can only change what info, how I act and what I think. So I am.

IvoShandor · 2022-06-21T12:39:07+00:00

marriage counseling. Took me 6 months worth of appointments for me to finally "open up", which the EX had been wanting all along. I finally told her she's a bitchy, frigid, tyrant. That was the last time we went to therapy.

Sounds like a joke and punchline.

CaliDude75 · 2022-06-21T14:27:18+00:00

Went to dozens and dozens of couples' therapy sessions, joined a couples ministry at a church, but they were all external band-aids and window dressing that didn't address the root issue which is that my wife didn't want to change, and after a while, once I realized that, I didn't want to change either.

We just gradually grew apart, to the point where I could honestly say I had low-level contempt for her. By the time I verbalized my intention to divorce, I had already mentally checked out about three months prior, if not longer.

I told her multiple times over the years, "I'm your husband, not your servant." Which she interpreted as me being misogynistic and chauvinist, which couldn't be further from the truth. I am an egalitarian to my core. It's just that she was raised as an entitled, catered-to princess her entire life, and aside from going away for college, never lived away from home until we were married. She never fully learned how to "adult" and it showed.

If I ever get into another relationship, it's going to have to be with someone who's had some independent life experience, and it not just looking for a penis or pocketbook to latch on to. Maybe I'm being naïve that women like that actually exist, but I'm holding out hope.

ZeroEn96 · 2022-06-21T13:51:53+00:00

If she's leaving you. It means she decided to many months ago, and has been slowly detaching herself from you. So you're basically outa luck. Somehow they can sit right next to you and just slowly turn off their feelings. Wish I knew how the hell to do that.

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-06-21T17:24:03+00:00

I was married for almost 30 years and we had two kids together. While I'd done nothing seriously wrong, she eventually fell out of love with me. We'd built a life together, and I wanted to hang on to that, but we just couldn't make it work.

I've now been with someone new for 6 months and I'm surprised by just how easy it is to move on. I'm much happier with this person and sometimes wonder why I wasted so many years trying to breathe life into a dead marriage.

Life is short. If she doesn't want you; her loss. Sure, work on your marriage, but just know that if she doesn't want you anymore, there are a lot of other lonely women out there looking for a good catch. You deserve to be with someone who actually wants to be with you.

azwildcat74 · 2022-06-21T13:49:23+00:00

Men have feelings that fluctuate up and down and can change daily or more, if they get into a negative place they can still be rebuilt and rescued from a dire place. Women are binary, it's either on or it's off. Read about "the lightswitch effect", it's about as close to total truth as I've been able to find.

MathForPay · 2022-06-21T14:02:23+00:00

If the woman wanted a reconciliation, she would be the one to recommend the counseling and videos, etc. I have no doubt you love the woman. I’ll even take your word for it that you are at fault and that you’re working on your problems. But from my experience, the work you put into yourself is independent of her desire for you.

As others have posted, it’ll take her time to open up and admit that she’s left the relationship. That won’t change anything other than wasting your time because you wanted a reason. Don’t feel the need for closure. It’s unreliable anyway because of post-hoc reasoning: She’s decided she doesn’t want the relationship anymore, and she’s coming up with reasons why after the fact.

Protomize · 2022-06-21T14:49:04+00:00

Fixed my marriage by getting a divorce! 😁

Freefaller6 · 2022-06-21T11:54:08+00:00

I feel for you man. Not saying it can’t work, but you both are on limited time on this rock. Maybe it’s time to grab the stick? By that, I mean take control of the situation and move on. Certainly if she has. It took me a while too, but I am a lot happier now than I was trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed.

And don’t beat yourself up either. Nobody’s perfect and she isn’t an angel I’m sure.

AffectionateAd6060 · 2022-06-21T12:03:17+00:00

I feel for you. you won't get a lot of positive encouragement towards reconciliation on this subreddit but if you're able then good for you. the odds are not favorable and I guarantee you it is a two way street in your marriage so don't fall on your own sword to much. good luck

32_Belly_Option · 2022-06-21T14:29:24+00:00

We went to couples and individual therapy for the better part of our entire marriage. 21 years.

Nothing has changed on either of our parts.

I'm calling it later this month.

Agitated-Fee-6497 · 2022-06-21T14:57:50+00:00

By the time I knew my marriage was in trouble there wasn't anything I could .....I just didn't know that at the time. She unloaded reasons for unhappiness on me one day out of the blue when I tried to have sex with her. 8.5 weeks later she asked for a divorce. I tried to fix everything she was unhappy about in those 8.5 weeks but it didn't matter.....Months later I found out why it didn't matter....she met another guy and that was her catalyst to tell me about the issues.

Boring_Cancel · 2022-06-21T17:04:10+00:00

Bunch of shit I regret now. Cut the cord say duces. You’ll be better off in a year just get through the shitty part.

dadavedavid · 2022-06-21T22:17:52+00:00

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you’re the only one who wants to reconcile. If it’s not a process that both of you are bought into, it has no chance of success. My advice would be to accept that the marriage is over and move on. Ironically, you moving on might be the only thing that could potentially save your marriage (however unlikely).

saygrace2 · 2022-06-22T04:57:09+00:00

I will say from my experience and the women I have come across either personally or vicariously through another individual, once they’re done it’s really hard to get them to change their mind

hikeruntravellive · 2022-06-21T11:29:20+00:00

I was in that position as well. I was hoping that she would come to counseling with me and try to fix the marriage. She never gave me a reason for wanting a divorce other than saying “we both changed”. We did end up going to counseling and the counselor turned out to be a total waste of time and money. I feel that she poured fuel on the fire and made things worse.

I was hoping that my stbxw would at least try to come to an arrangement where we lived in the same home so that we can care for my son who has special needs. She was not willing to do that either. She’s moving out at the end of the month.

I plan to write and post my story here when I have some more time but just wanted to give you a taste of my experience and let you know that I don’t think counseling helps. At best it delays things a bit. If your game plan is to delay the divorce so you can organize your finances or other reason then seek counseling. Otherwise as many here have said it’s a waste of time and money. Good luck.

joserodeiguez92 · 2022-06-21T16:27:28+00:00

I tried and only made more damaged and got more toxic once she sleeps with another man she has lost love for the current man. The ice is broken.

turinturambar · 2022-06-21T18:20:21+00:00

Hello. Good step doing the marriage counseling. I trust you'll find the right path for yourself.

I am in process of taking Geoffrey Setiawan's course. I like the content (to me it's an amalgamation of info based on psychology, communication, and philosophy that you could find online, but would likely take a long time to draw together cohesively). I like the lack of reliance on both partners coming to the table (to start with). I haven't yet "saved" my relationship, but I can feel the internal growth (though I still have a long way to go), and the patience and acceptance that the external changes will eventually shine to my partner and to others around me -- this helps in not feeling like I'm just wasting time and that the "problem" I'm in is a great opportunity to grow. Feel free to DM with questions and I'll try my best to answer.
Caveat -- I'm not a person who posts on this sub in general. Just happened to see your post referring to Geoffrey and thought I'd respond.

Big_Apple-3A_M · 2022-06-21T12:18:42+00:00

Most people on this sub are probably negative towards reconciliation for whatever reason. But my advice to you would be to take ownership of your mistakes which it sounds like you have and work on yourself. If you’re able try to demonstrate to your wife that you’ve changed. Also look at your marriage like you just met and you’re having to win her heart all over again. However be prepared for the fact that she may not want to reconcile. If she doesn’t don’t stop working on you and give yourself the time you need to move on. It’s probably going to take a year at least after divorce.

The greatest piece of relationship advice I’ve ever gotten is if you can’t accept your partner for who they are today, you have no business being with them. Basically, we can’t expect anyone to change. We can only change ourselves and how we react to others.

Humble_Face_4600 · 2022-06-22T00:32:37+00:00

It takes two people that want it to work. I tried everything and dug a deeper hole. I’m only realizing how badly I was blinded by hope. For you, I hope it can work out. But if she really wanted to, you wouldn’t be on a this journey.

Title	Fixing your marriage, what did you try to do?
Author	hmmmNeedhelp1
Upvotes	14
Comments	43
Date	June 21, 2022 7:58 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vh80t9/fixing_your_marriage_what_did_you_try_to_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/fixing-your-marriage-what-did-you-try-to-do.1120617 https://theredarchive.com/post/1120617

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