My wife yells at me, throws things and says I Gas light her

dw87190 · 2022-08-06T02:18:04+00:00

She's abusing you, and honestly, subjecting the kids to the show she's putting on is a form of abuse too. You all deserve better

SudetenNachkomme · 2022-08-06T04:10:46+00:00

Sounds like my ex-wife. Bet she’s got a cluster B personality disorder. You need to get out of there and for God’s sake BE CAREFUL.

PM me if you want to chat about it and what your exit strategy can look like. It’s going to be hell man, but it’s better than the alternative.

Metraxis · 2022-08-06T02:40:01+00:00

Look up DARVO to better understand what is being done to you. For your own part, you need to accept that the relationship is unhealthy, commit to ending it, and take proactive steps to ensure the best life possible for you and the kids once the dust settles.

Chroma-A · 2022-08-06T02:31:03+00:00

Hire a lawyer, record it, sue for divorce.

AgentOrangeMRA · 2022-08-06T02:39:10+00:00

RUN!

Affectionate-Bed-458 · 2022-08-06T03:20:35+00:00

She sounds bipolar and probably narcissistic. Like I'll bet sometimes she just comes home and you can feel the rage and her need to focus it on you. You have also probably learned a few tricks to help manage it and have taught the kids to accept that this is just how mommy is. Lastly, they and you keep it private so outwardly to the world, she is cool and fun.

Sound familiar?

It's the life I led for years until I took my kids and left my abusive unstable wife.

The worst thing I did was take too long because the damage did to the kids is still felt today.

If this is your life, you have to end the cycle. I used to tell myself I am staying for the kids and I can endure anything for them. Pat yourself on the back for being so strong and feel like a hero. In reality, you are enabling it and teaching your kids it is acceptable, it will eventually teach them to abuse you too. Because if you allow it then you probably deserve it too.

Extra-Strike2276 · 2022-08-06T03:32:37+00:00

Better start recording and keeping records. It doesn't matter what you say, what she says will be believed. You need proof of her abuse because you will hit a breaking point and truly lose it one day, so you better make an exit strategy now and leave before it happens. The worst part is she has convinced herself that what she does is normal and your reaction to it is abuse, so she will be believed by most people. Protect yourself and your kids because if she does it to you, she will do it to them. If she's not abusing them yet, she will when they get older. Think of their future, at this rate they will be raised by her telling them all the abuse you put her through.

Eliot_Sontar · 2022-08-06T04:45:18+00:00

How old are the kids if old enough they can apear in court

CyclopeWarrior · 2022-08-06T09:04:10+00:00

Ah yes the feminist raised mindset. Accountability not installed

TedRaskunsky · 2022-08-06T04:29:26+00:00

How did Johnny Depp just defy every odd known to mankind? Record it, record it, record it and back it up. Record the whole conversations and do not edit. His case, while definitely not identical to yours I’m sure, should be a blueprint for us all.

SteveorJimmyorJack · 2022-08-06T04:30:32+00:00

Man... you should definitly record those things with hidden camera. You will need it in the future. Society will blame YOU and not her. And she will be more than happy to put you in jail for something you never did! You will need evidence, so do it while you´re in time. Do it now! Set hidden cameras.

One more thing: the kids will turn against you. If you guys get separated, she will abuse them and manipulate them against you. I saw this happen a lot. Is not something that will get better tomorrow. Something needs to be done.

Good luck, man.

Appropriate-Ad9734 · 2022-08-06T05:26:58+00:00

Tell a couple friends about this, keep logs like journals and recording and make sure she doesn’t get the kids even if you don’t. Get divorce papers AFTER confronting a lawyer and tell her if she doesn’t change then it’s over and if she refuses to sign the papers threaten to leak the recordings and such

hifi3xx · 2022-08-06T07:37:04+00:00

Oh man, you are fucked man. Don't let her get too you. Especially in front of the kids. When she starts acting like that in front of the kids. Stay calm and ask her if she is done scaring the kids with all of the shouting. Ask her when she is going to grow up and act like an adult. So you can handle your issues with the maturity parents should and have not be aggressive and get physical in front of the kids which traumatizes them for life. Tell her that you will no longer take part in that kind of behaviour in front of your children because you do not want to traumatize them because you love them.

Edit: also say this in front of your kids.

This will show them that you are thinking of them first, builds trust with them
This will make you accountable to your kids not your wife. This will give you a reason to keep a level head, you are doing this for your kids, not you, or your wife.
Also try and keep this mentality up when the kids are not around. If you think your wife is trying to get you too do something you'll regret when the kids are not around start a recording of the interaction, either a sound recording using your phone, or if possible a video recording. You may or may not want her too know you are recording.
If she starts getting aggressive in front of your kids get them to start recording the interaction too. Then do not let her under your skin. Just stay calm, maybe tell your kids to leave the room, as you are concerned for their safety.

Also stop texting her afterwards. Text messages are damning evidence in court and could be the reason you eventually never see you children again. As the courts will likely give your wife custody of them regardless of your claims of her being the abuser. The court will always side with the woman. And your wife seems like the type of woman who will weaponize your kids to milk you dry of every cent you have. While telling your children that you are just a deadbeat who wants nothing to do with you.

Edit: I am not a lawyer, so while I believe this is good advice it is not legal council.

duhhhh · 2022-08-06T03:04:09+00:00

https://outofthefog.website/

trabulium · 2022-08-06T11:38:53+00:00

I think you need to check /r/bpdlovedones along with here to give you a better sense of what you're dealing with.

Halobruhv · 2022-08-06T03:09:21+00:00

First off i'd say consider separating.

You need to record this, every time you can. You may end up in a divorce letter on and the recordings may get you custody. I'd even record it and just show it to her so she sees how she acts.

Maybe she needs a good slap?.....

ChemistryFan29 · 2022-08-06T05:42:41+00:00

Leave that house, and divorce her. If you want the kids then have somebody there with you when you take the kids and leave. Do not just leave on your own with them. Make sure it is a trusted person. This way here in case something bad happens they will be there to protect you in case she says you kidnap them. or says you hit her. Also get every interaction from now on in video recording, and each time she hits you or throw things at you, do what ever go straight to the hospital and get it recorded.

heightsenberg · 2022-08-06T08:43:04+00:00

Record it, lawyer up

Fresque · 2022-08-06T08:47:12+00:00

Record EVERYTHING
Get a lawyer, YESTERDAY
LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!

KissMyAsthma-99 · 2022-08-06T04:18:16+00:00

Get video evidence. A lot of it. Then tell her that she changes, or you leave.

thatGUY2220 · 2022-08-06T04:49:30+00:00

Contemporaneous disclosure and audio / video evidence and a log of these events are useful

icefire54 · 2022-08-06T06:34:47+00:00

Gather as much evidence as you can. Audio, video, ect. After that, it's up to you what do do with it.

CooellaDeville · 2022-08-06T07:53:36+00:00

Go to therapy together or break up, you could see drastic change from couples therapy but without it nothing will change.

nooneinteresting-1 · 2022-08-06T08:22:48+00:00

Stop sending texts, start recording at least voice and just wait for her to make mistakes. When it will go to court and I'm pretty sure it will, you will have something to back it up.

reticent-rich · 2022-08-06T08:31:04+00:00

She is turning the kids against you. Stop it every time.

Acrobatic_Sport_7664 · 2022-08-06T08:42:47+00:00

It's abuse. Film it, record it, diary it. Get the proof, get a good lawyer, then tell her to pack her bags. Get the proof first though.

ZekalMacabre · 2022-08-06T08:55:55+00:00

First of all, by telling you you're gaslighting her, she's projecting. She appears to be the one doing the gaslighting.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

BoredRedhead24 · 2022-08-06T09:33:33+00:00

You are the abuse victim here my dude. I would suggest you leave and be sure to take the kids with you because the minute you’re gone that’s who she is going to do it to next.

raytaylor · 2022-08-06T09:57:15+00:00

Bipolar - can lose touch with reality.

solar-garlic1776 · 2022-08-06T11:07:37+00:00

OP, you are in an abusive marriage. I'd suggest recording any interaction when she starts to become abusive. Speak to a lawyer about getting things in place for a divorce. You need to leave before she physically assaults you and then calls the cops saying you are the abuser.

Black-Patrick · 2022-08-06T11:31:28+00:00

I say what needs to be said abandon the moral high ground, resist being baited into violence and say shit I will eventually apologize for saying that I don’t necessarily mean as reciprocity. I don’t apologize for saying what needs to be said and my ability to think and reason clearly under duress trumps her anger high until she either backs down or I take a nap and try again. This way I don’t walk around with resentment, and things get sorted out. Seems to be a monthly occurrence.

llb4eva · 2022-08-06T11:46:30+00:00

I feel I have seen this in other relationships too...I can promise you do these things to her as well it's impossible not to once we get in these routine battles or cycles with our partner, the dynamics of the relationship have changed to where you ignored her at a serious time of need now her subconsious mind is punishing you for not nuturing her 3 and 4 year old inner child when she needed you to,she is defending herself against you for some reason, if you are having conflict not saying all relationships deal with these types of behaviors, try to be honest about a situation or maybe several that you may have been at fault try to find out as a husband where you could have dropped the ball, we as men forget we are here to lead!! it is up to us to honor our woman's crazy and learn to help develop her ,make her blossom not turn to strangers for advice when the answers are written plain as day with each action you take there is a reaction, if we as men knew the true energy we harness when we are resolute our woman would not dare talk to her friend, her safe place, her support with such vulgarity that one second guesses their position in the hierarchy of marriage, it is up to you to know your doing your best sometimes if we remain silent and evaluate our on shades we may see the world through our spouses eyes and realize just how vulnerable we as lovers can get when our needs are not getting met, or mental health regiments have not been visited, exercising is none existent, strive to understand you, develop your habits your helper will follow your lead!!

NorthernWombat · 2022-08-06T14:23:15+00:00

My brother, the only evidence that exists right now is you sending nasty texts. Tread carefully and get control of your reactions the her actions.

Smooth-Substance-499 · 2022-08-06T15:07:42+00:00

No one should be yelling or throwing things at you. Is she doing these things to the kids as well? If so, get a lawyer dude and get yourself and the kids out of there.

Relativity_Star10538 · 2022-08-06T15:10:47+00:00

Sounds like my marriage. My wife was clearly exhibiting characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder.

She's disrespecting and devaluing you. Youre in the Discard phase. She's either cheating or planning to leave, or trying to force you to leave. It's abuse.

000CuriousBunny000 · 2022-08-06T15:22:41+00:00

that's abuse bro

dim13 · 2022-08-06T15:27:21+00:00

I can totally relate to it. This is just how my ex-wife was/is. Be careful. Get a lawyer. Be patient, it will take a lot of time. Start saving money, you'll need it later. Record everything. And most important, don't let you provoke! One step or word, and regardless, how insane she is, she will get all support and kids and everything.

And be prepared for misandrist court / social support system. It will be not easy. You may have all the evidences and all the right, "but, she is the mother" argument beats everything. Don't make mistakes.

The only winning move, is not to play her games.

In my case it cost me 5 years of my life, roughly 50k for court fees, etc., but my both boys are with me now, which is more important to me.

PS: don't lose the hope! It's manageable! Good luck!

MarcosLuke · 2022-08-06T15:30:05+00:00

Remember take a page from Johnny Depp’s book it will help you a lot. If this escalates the same thing is going to happen to You as to what happened to johnny. You secretly record evidence audio recordings, photos, video etc. after which use what is called the first strike advantage and hire a lawyer and do whatever you can to get the upper hand. Now before doing any of this thoroughly analyse the situation.

blackdahlialady · 2022-08-06T17:37:12+00:00

That's abuse on her part. This is not a healthy marriage and I'd be calling a lawyer. Marriage counseling isn't recommended when there's abuse. This isn't your fault and you didn't do anything to deserve it. You also won't change her. Hugs.

sinuswaves · 2022-08-06T19:00:59+00:00

As weird as this may sound, taking gotu kola and rhodiola rosea, and practicing loving kindness meditation (directing positive/compassionate wishes towards others) and just regular focused awareness meditation (like focusing on your breath) can have a huge beneficial impact on your emotional regulation, ie your ability to keep your calm and not escalate things, because as you probably have recognized, heated arguments and situations is a two way thing. And, get out. Sounds like an awful relationship.

LOAHS · 2022-08-06T04:56:49+00:00

Why haven’t you left her?

Derelict-12 · 2022-08-06T13:20:27+00:00

Moral of the story - Don't get married

Like the moral of every story.

iamChainsawMan · 2022-08-06T06:49:37+00:00

Leave…

Voltariat · 2022-08-06T10:39:17+00:00

My ex wife would then use my text as evidence I’m a bad person (despite continual verbal abuse).

You are not protecting your children by staying and taking it. I started setting boundaries and calling out the abuse and she left me.

Your doomed, get 50% parenting and start mending what you can with your time with them. It’s better then 100% while the abuse happens

WeEatBabies · 2022-08-06T12:25:55+00:00

Leave, make sure you have texts or email that clearly state she was happy with you the last time she saw you!

Then just disappear.

All cops are feminists, if you call them, they will arrest you, just leave!

babloo_25 · 2022-08-06T12:42:26+00:00

She needs therapy

arrouk · 2022-08-06T12:45:06+00:00

Here's a whole different way of looking at this that has shocked people around me enough to open a real conversation.

Assume for a moment that you are the abusive one (the fact your now considering it as a real option means your likely not). If you are then you know the best thing to do gor the wellbeing of those around you, wife and kids, is to remove yourself from the situation.

So now you are not leaving because you are being abused, your leaving because you both agree that abuse exists, it's wrong, and no matter where its coming from this will end it.

It's kind of an all in move, either way the abuse stops because you either walk away or you both get the help you need and/or talk it out and move past it.

arkile · 2022-08-06T13:12:12+00:00

Date a long time before you marry and have kids next time.

gordo75 · 2022-08-06T13:14:52+00:00

Get rid of this maniac

RifleShower · 2022-08-06T13:37:29+00:00

Record everything and lawyer up.

MajorSecretary · 2022-08-06T13:41:45+00:00

Divorce.

sanem48 · 2022-08-06T13:45:20+00:00

Try recording it on video. Could be useful later on to show she's a bad mother in divorce court, using verbal and physical abuse in front of the kids.

It sounds low, but if a man was the aggressor, no one would think twice about it.

I dated a girl like that recently, I loved her but she had a trigger temper and would rage at me even if I didn't put up any resistance, so I didn't pursue it further.

jasonrodrigue · 2022-08-06T14:10:14+00:00

Record it and realize when you get a divorce that your wife will try to make it look like you are doing something wrong too. Make your relationship with your kids is good so she doesn’t find a way to turn them against you.

Kandidog1 · 2022-08-06T14:24:19+00:00

Time to consider a serious change in you life! Ditto what Chrome A said in the comment below.

bluehorserunning · 2022-08-06T14:45:19+00:00

This is not healthy. Therapy or divorce.

Also, the kids know.

2022-08-06T15:00:56+00:00

Why is she still your wife

stompin77 · 2022-08-06T15:03:12+00:00

If you stay, then she is right

TAPriceCTR · 2022-08-06T15:03:18+00:00

Install some cameras and tell her "clearly I can't see how abusive I am in the moment, so this will allow me to look back at it when I've calmed down and am sensible again." If she objects again "why would you deny me a tool to help me stop abusing?" Make it so the only way she can object is to admit that it is she, and not you, who is the abuser.

CoaldaleChrome · 2022-08-06T15:32:21+00:00

The best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to show them how to stand up for yourself. Also, dumb cunt is grounds for a smack across the mouth in my mind. You need to take action before you turn into a serial killer.

nick-060899 · 2022-08-06T15:46:55+00:00

You're with a narcissist. Record her,start a divorce, ask for the kids custody.

Forcetobereckonedwit · 2022-08-06T15:49:44+00:00

You better start recording everything. Turn on the voice recorder and leave it in your pocket or on a shelf. Start today. She's going to escalate.

syro23 · 2022-08-06T16:14:31+00:00

Sounds like you are both abusing each other. My ex was just like this and while I believe her abuse was significant and my abuse minor, her view is that she wasn’t abusive at all while I was terrible. Her feelings clouded her ability to see how bad she was behaving. So anytime she acted out she justified by saying it was in response to my behavior and therefore not her fault. It sucks. You may benefit from the married red pill sub. Some of it is crap, but there is also a lot of good info there.

Redbearded_Monkey · 2022-08-06T16:26:14+00:00

Shop texting her nasty shit now, only as needed communication and get together a way to record her, audio/video. Time to fall back champ and prepare for her to try and prove you 're the problem in court. Don't be in anyway and have evidence of the monster she is. Good luck my man!

WildWitch0306 · 2022-08-06T16:37:55+00:00

Dude get out if you can. I realize how hard it is in reality. Consult with a lawyer. In fact, if you really want to play dirty, you can get a consult with every divorce lawyer in town before she knows what’s up. Then if you do file, she will have a hard time finding an attorney. After consulting with you, taking her as a client would be conflict of interest.

But I know how hard it is to leave when there are kids involved. I’m not about to guilt and shame you. I’m sorry this is happening to you. And I hope and pray you find a way to get you and your kids out.

Quick_Tradition480 · 2022-08-06T16:50:44+00:00

FYI thats domestic violence. GET OUT!

yashspartan · 2022-08-06T16:55:57+00:00

You sit her down, and have a serious talk. Calmly tell her all the shit she does, dont let her use BS excuses. And let her know that this behavior is unacceptable, and not the kind of partner you want to spend your life with. Inform her to get some individual therapy to sort her shit out. She's acting like a teenager. Tell how it is, she either stops acting like a child or gets help, or this marriage wont last long because of her.

You can love her, but also respect yourself.

She's a grown adult, not a child. It's time she acts like one.

forcefx2 · 2022-08-06T16:57:29+00:00

Run away!

mr_GlitchOG · 2022-08-06T17:24:49+00:00

Record it?

bothonpele · 2022-08-06T17:28:45+00:00

Record it

blackdahlialady · 2022-08-06T17:39:10+00:00

r/truenarcissisticabuse

blackdahlialady · 2022-08-06T17:57:43+00:00

You can DM me for safety planning tips. I'm a survivor of DV and I learned a lot about it. I'm a woman just so you know. This id just a heads up in case you're more comfortable talking to a man. Hugs.

Theapexfighter · 2022-08-06T18:03:23+00:00

Make yourself a favor and GAS LIGHT HER ASAP

Chris_Hot · 2022-08-06T18:22:41+00:00

Hidden Audio record. Hidden Video record. Hidden home video cams. Your word ain’t good enough for court.

Potato-with-guns · 2022-08-06T18:24:41+00:00

She is abusing and gaslighting you, get a divorce.

moonshinele99 · 2022-08-06T18:29:12+00:00

Get out ...it's not good for you .... it's not good for the kids.... and...it's not good for her she is unhappy just leave

loneBroWithCat · 2022-08-06T19:40:26+00:00

ImpeccableArchitect · 2022-08-06T19:54:30+00:00

Next time she does this record her

Any_Drama3272 · 2022-08-06T21:10:05+00:00

It sounds like you need a divorce to avoid traumatizing your children and cursing them to thinking abuse in a relationship is normal then never having the chance to be happy.

jmac323 · 2022-08-06T21:18:42+00:00

It took me being in a healthy and happy relationship to realize all of the shit people put up with, myself included. So many people can’t admit they are wrong. What do you do that she thinks is abusive? Calling her names when she calls you names? Then don’t. Throwing stuff around because she does? Then don’t. Have more control over yourself . Don’t let her bring you down to her level. She can’t play victim then. When she calls you names or throws stuff calmly ask her to take breath and take a look at herself. That as adults you both need to communicate like adults. She will probably get pissed thay you are so calm but don’t let her bait you. You win the argument when you don’t fall for it and she can either calm down or be the abuser. If she is going to be the abuser, leave her. Don’t settle for someone that treats you like crap. Especially setting that as example where your kids think it is normal. She sounds like she needs to grow up.

jmac323 · 2022-08-06T21:19:02+00:00

It took me being in a healthy and happy relationship to realize all of the shit people put up with, myself included. So many people can’t admit they are wrong. What do you do that she thinks is abusive? Calling her names when she calls you names? Then don’t. Throwing stuff around because she does? Then don’t. Have more control over yourself . Don’t let her bring you down to her level. She can’t play victim then. When she calls you names or throws stuff calmly ask her to take breath and take a look at herself. That as adults you both need to communicate like adults. She will probably get pissed thay you are so calm but don’t let her bait you. You win the argument when you don’t fall for it and she can either calm down or be the abuser. If she is going to be the abuser, leave her. Don’t settle for someone that treats you like crap. Especially setting that as example where your kids think it is normal. She sounds like she needs to grow up.

InteriorInsights99 · 2022-08-06T21:26:30+00:00

My ex wife was like this. She could go from calm to raging anger in less than 30 seconds. It was scary how her facial expressions changed. She was bipolar, had OCD, and I suspected had experienced childhood abuse. She’s Italian and during the early part of our marriage we lived near Turin.

I lost count of the numbers of times she slapped/pushed/bit me or threw things at me. I had cuts, bruises and psychological stress. Once she threw a heavy cooking utensil at me which knocked me out and left me on the kitchen floor. Fortunately our kids weren’t in the house. Another time she tried to stab me with a fork at table..she nicked my arm ( still got the scar). The threats, manipulation, blackmail, ghosting, gaslighting, insults, hitting/biting/slapping etc all grew in intensity until I moved into another bedroom. Then she started flaunting her previously hidden affairs in front of me and sent details to some of my friends… all to make me snap…

One time I snapped and pushed her up against the wall. She went to the local police station, accused me of sexual assault and I was summoned for questioning. I had to wait over 8h ( no toilet break allowed/no food or drink offered.) I was questioned for over 2h on/off by two detectives.. threats, accusations, good cop/bad cop routine etc. Eventually I was given a warning. Not one person believed my side of the story. Not one believed that me, nearly 1m80, 90kg of muscle could experience domestic violence. They even laughed at me. When I told them that I’d been a victim of childhood sex trafficking as a young boy they just said ‘ boys don’t get sex trafficked.’ laughed at me and cracked a joke between them. I’ve never trusted any police ( after the way the cops treated me as a kid) and I never will.

After this experience my ex started the blackmail. This eventually ended up with me having to participate in several threesomes with her friends. Dead bedroom then she walked out on me and our kids. Fought my side during the divorce and got my rights as a dad respected ( no mean feat in Italy)

Vulture1738X · 2022-08-06T22:09:42+00:00

Begin gathering evidence for a divorce

evilnaughtydang · 2022-08-06T23:05:26+00:00

Record it and show the police!

DoctorStorm · 2022-08-06T23:15:57+00:00

Projection.

Try therapy.

Approach cautiously.

But try.

Sorry to hear about the abuse, everyone here has been there, it's why we're here.

"Which desire is stronger: my desire for her absence, or my desire for her abuse?"

Perfect_Try7261 · 2022-08-07T01:01:38+00:00

Film it, Call the police and get it documented

SatNight_Special_96 · 2022-08-07T01:32:54+00:00

Start to gather evidence and recordings. Then divorce her.

StudentOfTheTruth1 · 2022-08-07T04:02:19+00:00

Record and document everything and file for a divorce.

kaijyuu2016 · 2022-08-07T05:55:45+00:00

That's why we don't marry anyone these days kids.

caem123 · 2022-08-07T21:00:11+00:00

Like my 22-year marriage. More common than you think.

LegendOfSoccer · 2022-08-08T17:38:44+00:00

Damn. You are in a bad marriage brother. Make sure you record all this because she will probably leave you after some time and will run with half of your assets.

Title	My wife yells at me, throws things and says I Gas light her
Author	Affectionate-Bed-458
Upvotes	522
Comments	176
Date	August 6, 2022 2:16 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/whcyiz/my_wife_yells_at_me_throws_things_and_says_i_gas/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/my-wife-yells-at-me-throws-things-and-says-i-gas.1126833 https://theredarchive.com/post/1126833

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