I hope I’m allowed to post here, but I resonate with this sub as the breadwinner, the logical one, the sacrificial one, and the defendant in a divorce I didn’t want.

I’m a woman with the deadbeat husband and was used as an ATM. When he started talking divorce he actually CRIED because we had less in savings than he thought. He’d apparently been planning to leave me for a while but was never involved in the finances because he was lazy. He put some number in his head and then cried when that wasn’t there. He still received massive amounts of money from me.

He refused marriage counseling, a trial separation, any attempts at repair. I literally offered him anything and everything. Did he want to quit his job? Okay, I would take care of everything and give him a breather. Did he want to move somewhere else? Done. Did he need therapy? A grand vacation? Sex? More time with his family? Whatever it was, I was willing to fix it. He said he didn’t want anything and he was just “done”.

We had bought a new car together, acquired another pet, looked at finally having a kid (what HE wanted much more than me), and were in the midst of building a custom home in the time he says he was “disconnected” from me. He started saying I was toxic and a “gaslighter”. We had sex, fancy dinners, gifts, outings, cards with sappy love statements…no indicators. I have depression but have been medicated for several years. I also had some work stress, and as the higher earner, it affected me a lot because I didn’t want to lose our upcoming home. He then turned my depression against me and said I wasn’t chipper enough for him (while carrying both of our lives on my back) and my depression wasn’t real which made me a manipulative liar that wasn’t ever really sad and ergo he should divorce me.

However, I’ve had work stress and depressive bouts before, and it was nothing we hadn’t handled.

Except before there wasn’t another woman.

I found out he was having an emotional affair and was planning to start life over with another woman. He had actually been paying attention to two women, though one was a red herring for the other. I never, ever, EVER thought my husband was capable of this. As many of you may feel about your wives, my husband was the passive, “safe” and even prudish person. No one else believed it either until I showed them the texts.

That’s why he cried about the money. He wanted to take our new car, our pets, and buy me out of the house and move her in, swapping her in for me.

When he realized he wouldn’t have enough from a 50/50 to buy me out of the house, he tried to force me to sell it when it was done. At first he was convinced that it would sell for substantially more than we paid for it. I told him I wouldn’t sell, I was going to stay there and buy him out. Then he took the tact of getting it re-appraised only a month after closing, again convinced it would give him sky-high equity. He told me I would be bankrupted at the new appraisal. It appraised for less than the original.

He had this whole plan to divorce me as quickly as possible and then slowly introduce this woman to his family as if she were new. Telling people that I broke his heart and wanted to divorce. Look at him, finally he was happy again.

Until both women and his behavior were outed to his entire circle and his plan failed. He tried very hard to shut me up and paint it as an amicable divorce and I didn’t play along. He may still try to be with this woman, but his family won’t like it and she may not want him anymore after the drama he caused.

Now suddenly he’s stalling the divorce. He was rushing so hard until he had nowhere to land.

All this to say—do not rule out an affair. Even with your safe, prudish, “I just want to be alone” wives. I’m a very cynical person and even I thought it was not possible. Everyone I’ve talked to since says cases like where they just check out with few indicators is because they were maintaining a facade while planning a new life with someone else. Depending on what state you’re in, proof of adultery on her part could favor you in the divorce. And even if it doesn’t, it will give you peace of mind. It wasn’t you, it’s her. Go look at the infidelity subs and read the literature. Most cheaters have a fundamental character flaw. The research now states that no marriage is affair-proof if one partner likes the thrill of cheating and limerence. They will cheat even in perfect marriages and perfect partners. Women especially because limerence is an emotional addiction. If your wife is a cheater there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.

Don’t ever rule out an affair. If I could go back in time I would have stopped trying to fix a marriage he didn’t want to save, and focused all my efforts on documenting his infidelity.

And just because I know some people are thinking it, I am the whole package. I may have been the breadwinner but I’m hot (enough for some indie modeling), feminine, smart, but also “submissive” enough to do all the traditional things that some men like from their wives. I’m not a troll sugar mama. I was married young and even he says he married up couldn’t believe it at the time. I stuck with him because of our shared history, a love that grew over time, and an overdeveloped sense of commitment. Even I was cheated on. It can happen to anyone.