Is it time to propose to my GF (2nd marriage for both)

dogsrule2019 · 2022-04-13T19:53:08+00:00

Oh boy. Skewer me if you want but I'm about to be real honest. So how long have you dated? I'm taking that it has been a yearish? She's about to take a 30k paycut to 90k, you make 180k, but you're going to live near her area and deal with a shit commute for half your life? And do all this so that when you walk in from work at whatever time that is an 8 year old gets to drive you f'ing crazy? You're not thinking right, brother. I say hold what you got. The reason dating beats marriage is that when you're together life's bullshit is set aside 100% and you focus on each other. Picture this: you're finally married, yall are having coffee on a Saturday morning and the whiner emerges and disrupts your entire morning. You make a very mild remark or complaint and she gets her back up and you pay for it all weekend. And suddenly you look at each other completely different than you do today.

Don't mess up a good thing. If it's as special as you describe it'll work for a few more years and then you can reevaluate.

And if you ever wed again I hope you both agree 100% on a prenup months in advance of said wedding. Yes they are enforceable but not when signed a few weeks before the wedding.

Best of luck.

47omek · 2022-04-13T20:30:12+00:00

Your relationship with your son WILL be impacted by moving 45 minutes away. It's not a question of if, just when. You're sending a clear signal to him that the new cupcake's easy commute is more important to you than him being close to his school, friends, sports etc. Don't be surprised when in a few years junior decides he wants to spend most of his time at his mom's since she's so much closer to his friends and pretty much everything else he cares about.

Also, cupcake's already willingly taking at 25% paycut because she knows she's got her hooks in a higher earner? Giant red flag there, has future "taking a break from working" and never actually going back to work written all over it.

CrazySanta7 · 2022-04-13T20:34:52+00:00

Bro, you know the answer already. Every woman is beautiful, smart, loving, 'my dream girl' in the beginning. Those damn brain 'in love' chemicals are masking this situation. 2nd marriage success rates suck (30% at BEST), especially when kids from previous marriages are involved. The commute, her kid, her taking a lower paying job, is going to stress you the f%$$ out. Don't sacrifice your goals/dreams for someone else. Sounds like it is one sided. Would she really take less pay if you made $40,000 per year? I doubt it.

Go watch 'the marriage wheel' by coach Greg Adams on youtube.

TheSquanchfather · 2022-04-13T19:46:51+00:00

I think it’s a terrible idea for you to get married. You’ll have little to no parental authority over a kid you may love but are quite annoyed by. Plus, you guys are both on your second marriage. Statistically, you WILL have a second divorce if you go through with this. Stay with her until the end days, if that’s what you want - no reason to make it a legally binding contract. You’re inviting the government to fuck one of you over (probably you).

I’m glad you made it out of the fire unscathed in your first divorce. You’re a lucky man. This is not something to press your luck on.

I hope whatever you decide goes well.

Robosnails · 2022-04-13T20:47:44+00:00

You talk about your ex wife being beneath you intellectually yet here you are trying to make the same mistake again.

There is literally no reason to ever get married again. If this women is as amazing as you say she is, then she wont need you to marry her in order to be with her. Also she is making half as much as you so the inevitable divorce will have you paying alimony again.

Women always change after marriage, while she may be loving/sweet/intimate now, everything will change after a few years of marriage and you will once again find yourself stuck.

vector5633 · 2022-04-13T21:04:50+00:00

Why the fuck would anyone marry again is beyond me.

highspeed1972 · 2022-04-13T21:33:16+00:00

I am almost 50 was in the same position as you. I did get married and after 9 years I should of stayed single.

treborcj · 2022-04-13T20:37:53+00:00

Is she asking you to get married? If not, don't mess up the status quo.

Physical-Pie748 · 2022-04-13T21:02:54+00:00

dont get married dude. just stay in a relationship with her, but dont get married/dont get children.

divorce rate of second marriages are much higher than 50% !!!

Eve-3 · 2022-04-13T19:42:04+00:00

When you marry her you'll be living with her kid. Who annoys the fuck out of you. Has his life not sucked enough already from having a broken home that you feel the need to force him to live with someone who is constantly angry at him? Sure his behavior is inappropriate. You being angry about it isn't helping him.

Please do not marry her or live with her until you can spend a week straight with the kid without being angry.

sicrm · 2022-04-13T21:02:12+00:00

All great advice folks. My instincts have been telling me to let more time pass as we build our relationship. We talk very openly, so none of my concerns or hers would offend the other person.

I have already determined a prenup (no alimony and no retirement if separation or divorce occurs) would be required for both of us.

She is working on her kids entitlement and improving but she is way too soft. I’ll monitor that progression before living there.

One thing I didn’t mention is our sons get along well. 8 and 9 year old boys.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-04-13T22:19:20+00:00

Oh man, here are some stats:

60% divorce rate for 2nd marriages.
80% of women initiate divorce/separation.
Worst of all, you're going to marry a single mom. You are potentially on the hook for child support for her kid as well if you two divorce. Single Mom's are NOT good partners.

Good luck!

azwildcat74 · 2022-04-13T20:49:20+00:00

Why are you in such a rush to get married? Is she pressuring you to do so?

IMO the whiny kid thing is the chink in the armor already showing. Give it some more time, get out of the infatuation stage and slow the fuck down.

syro23 · 2022-04-13T23:21:37+00:00

Any avenue you might want to explore is why did she get divorced in the first place? The vast majority of marriages end because the woman decides to. Why did she end her 1st marriage? does she claim he was abusive or a bum? Have you bothered to get his side of the story? That's what I would want to know, cause ten years down the road you are gonna be dealing with the same stuff her first husband was dealing with.

Plebe-Uchiha · 2022-04-13T23:44:43+00:00

First date a year, at least, then move in together, live together for a couple years, at least, and THEN maybe you can get married. IMHO.

Why are you going to file paperwork when you don’t know what life will be like living with her and balancing your coparenting duty’s. Take your time. No need to rush [+]

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-04-14T09:09:10+00:00

> She lives 45 minutes away from my kids school and his mom.

If she's not willing to move closer, ditch her. It's a huge red flag. Think with your big head, not your little head.

> She will be accepting a $30k decrease in salary to take a far less stressful job.

Which means your alimony and child support will be that much higher when you eventually divorce. Go look at the statistics for second marriages -- the divorce rate is higher than first marriages. She's not a unicorn.

> I met the woman of my dreams

She's not one-in-a-million. She's one-of-a-million. You've got Oneitis, and it's clouding your judgement.

> our intimacy is constant.

Women are predatory gatekeepers of sex. Prior to marriage, sex is her tool for seduction. After marriage, it is her tool for compliance. Married women understand they can use sex as a weapon because the cost of divorce is too high. All too often, married men are blind to the transactional nature of intimacy, and this ignorance perpetuates their servitude. You will have less sex, not more, when you marry.

Marriage is a good idea; it’s how we execute it today that makes it one of the worst prospects imaginable for men. Marriage today has the potential to be the most damaging decision a man can make in his life – it’s a legal extortion scheme. You’re betting a woman half your net worth that you’ll love each other forever. Marriage is handing a woman an axe, then putting your head on a chopping block in the trust that she won’t cut it off. It’s not reciprocal. The modern state of matrimony has become the legal equivalent of gambling. Getting married is like betting half your stuff she won’t cheat on you. No matter what she contributed, or did not contribute to the marriage, half of your stuff is hers. If you are not married, she has no claim on your assets, nor you on hers. That fact alone makes rejecting marriage the smartest financial move a man can make, and lets you avoid career slavery. Marriage used to be a business and social partnership for the accumulation and conservation of wealth and the raising of children. Now marriage is the new retirement pension for modern women, rewarding them for breaking a contract. A woman that won’t take your name in a marriage will gladly take your house in a divorce. You can get the same effect of marriage by selling your house, giving all your money away and have someone castrate you. There is no incentive for men to get married. Society has stacked the deck against men in modern marriage. You are allowing the state to decide what happens to your wealth, your freedom, and your access to your children if a marriage doesn’t work out. Statistically marriage has become the worst decision a man can make in his life at present, yet so many men want to believe they won’t be one of those statistics.

By all measures, contemporary marriage is essentially what’s known as an unconscionable contract. Women are taking advantage of men in every way possible, and the government is enforcing this scrupulous behavior. To sum the current circumstance: women have choices, men have responsibilities. Marriage only benefits women. Men accept all of the risk. Marriage amounts to a no-win struggle of mutually assured disappointment. In this era there are no appreciable advantages for men to marry even the most ideal of women.

Adorable_FecalSpray · 2022-04-13T20:43:26+00:00

No. To be blunt, you’ve not been dating long enough and her kid is a huge red flag.

James1933-75 · 2022-04-13T20:42:03+00:00

That boy doesn't necessarily have an "entitlement" issue. Are you positive you know what goes on behind her closed doors? Have you got both sides of her divorce story?

introhr · 2022-04-13T23:32:35+00:00

Did she give you any background on her divorce for you to get an idea as to how she might be when married. You are still in honeymoon phase so I get your excitement. Why do you want to get married again?

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-04-14T00:15:28+00:00

I'll be blunt here. In the back of your head, you at one time must have thought your ex was the best thing ever too. But things change over time obviously. It also changes once you get married. All of us know things are great and fun when dating, the sex is constant etc. Then you get married and that goes away. Not all obviously, but too many guys to count have horror stories that really make me re-consider if I ever want marriage again. Not just the sex, but realizing that when things go south, it's all heavily skewed towards the women. There are a few red flags possibly here. The fact that she's soft on her kid. The fact you will be an hour away from yours. To be an hour away from my son would be tough.

Jonger1150 · 2022-04-14T01:49:24+00:00

Where on earth do you live where $180k doesn't get the job done on it's own?

Also, what lead to her divorce?

2022-04-14T03:19:24+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ijustdontcare74 · 2022-04-14T08:25:41+00:00

Sorry to be rude dude but WTF are you thinking? 70% of 2nd marriages end in divorce...you'd have thought having gone through that mess once already you'd realise there's nothing in it for men. Wake up.....there's nothing you can't have (love, companionship, commitment, children etc) in a stable long term relationship that you can in marriage. The only difference is that the state comes in and puts it's hand in your pocket when she pulls the rip-cord of divorce.

DON'T DO IT.

Gattsama · 2022-04-14T09:27:30+00:00

Dude you do you. But your son should come first. She is not the only one, there are other women out there. But more important why marry her?? You are both divorced. Live together, cohabitate, merge accounts. Get DPOA's, etc but why sign a legal contract with the state. A contract that you know only benefits her and harms you. Do not do that. It's not in your best interest. And if she says ring or no LTR, then move along.

uglyasf340lbs · 2022-04-14T14:35:14+00:00

Nope nope nope....

Title	Is it time to propose to my GF (2nd marriage for both)
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	4
Comments	41
Date	April 13, 2022 7:29 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/u2y9g2/is_it_time_to_propose_to_my_gf_2nd_marriage_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-it-time-to-propose-to-my-gf-2nd-marriage-for.1210184 https://theredarchive.com/post/1210184

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