Q4Women How do you think men generally change themselves to find success in getting dates and keeping relationships?

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2023-04-15T13:00:52+00:00

Seems like it’s a big numbers game more than anything.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-04-15T12:31:46+00:00

Most of the time, it's just realising they need to be more proactive in finding someone, such as talking to people more or actually asking people out. It's usually pretty successful.

redkoicarp · 2023-04-15T19:21:05+00:00

You have a very bad take on these replies if this was what you got from your other post about women improving themselves (then again, we are on PPD here). Like, the first reply literally said she lost weight so that guys liked her moree. Something very banal and simple.

I am always trying to answer to questions earnestly but I am not sure whether our answers are getting through here at all, actually.

Incel_Finder · 2023-04-15T13:17:45+00:00

They have to want it for themselves. No amount of being given advice or showing them what's right will mean anything until they choose to want to change.

My brother was an alcoholic for the longest time. No matter how much we as a family told him to come off it due to the damage it was causing him as well as loved ones, it didn't matter. He was so deep in his turmoil. It was only when he hit rock bottom and ended up in hospital having his stomach pumped on the brink of death as well as his wife leaving him that the epiphany occurred. He's now been clean for 4 years.

That's the sad part. Humans can achieve great things but they can also be so destructive. And no amount of being warned means anything if they are deep down their rabbit hole.

A lot of advice given here seems to go unnoticed or deliberately avoided about how the manosphere can be harmful and how everything stems from insecurity. But hey, we all learn sooner or later.

Flightlessbirbz · 2023-04-15T16:11:03+00:00

For me as a woman, improving my dating prospects meant getting out more and having more of a social life and learning not to be so awkward when a man was talking to me. Not “being more obstinate,” wtf ever that’s supposed to mean. And honestly that’s the biggest thing for men too, I think. Improving social life and social skills. Easier said than done, but it is key. Along with improving looks as much as reasonably possible and hygiene if that’s an issue.

Soloandthewookiee · 2023-04-15T14:45:52+00:00

In a post asking women how they changed to improve their dating results and what triggered the change, I got some interesting replies.

Almost no woman said she really had to change to be liked / loved. Instead it was more about changing who she chose from the guys who wanted her or changing how she treated them, invariably by being more obstinate.

I am fascinated as to how you read the replies in that thread and came to this conclusion.

Numerous women listed self improvement and making themselves more appealing as the change they enacted.

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relish5k · 2023-04-15T15:29:29+00:00

In my 20s I worked with a lot of “chronically single” guys who I became friends with. They were nice and fun but pretty dorky (engineer types). 10 years later and they are all happily partnered.

So what changed?

time
career success (they made good money then and make great money now)
I’m guessing this one but more purposeful dating. They seemed open to dating in our 20s but not really focused on it - they were more into drinking, weed, and general tomfoolery.

My cousin was also chronically single for most of his life. In his late 20s he got more involved with our synagogue which hosted “young adult social programs” (which were really just about getting young single Jews to meet, marry and procreate). It totally worked. He met his wife, they have 2 kids, they are totally happy 10 years later. He didn’t change anything about himself - he’s still a sweet, shy, overweight gamer nerd that has a lot of love to give.

Safinated · 2023-04-15T22:53:20+00:00

Most of the women said they got hotter and lost weight

I changed my personality, as did several others

In my experience, most men did fine just by growing the fuck up — aka, leaving the basement, getting jobs, not seeing dick jokes, group pranks, harassment/catcalling and getting in fights as attractive behavior, etc

EulenWatcher · 2023-04-15T14:11:08+00:00

If you struggle with dating, you either have to improve in whatever fields you lack in, improve your vetting or put yourself out more and actually approach people. The main difference between men and women here is that men absolutely have to do more approaching than women. It's not fair, but it's how things currently are.

On a more personal note, my husband and I met at 16. We're both introverted, so we both tried to socialize more to find a partner. I don't think he put any more efforts into improving himself than I did at that point. Being more or less natural worked for both of us.

ForeverMaleficent993 · 2023-04-15T13:24:46+00:00

Its a requirement to change and improve yourself in order to become a better lover. If we all stayed entitled then naturally that is not very attractive. It goes the same for both men and women.

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KikiYuyu · 2023-04-15T20:22:51+00:00

A guy could change how he acts to get some dates, but if he wants a relationship that lasts he's going to have to be himself. Is he going to put on an act his whole life? That sounds like a recipe for misery.

If you can't be yourself with somebody, you can't be happy with them.

Khabeni412 · 2023-04-15T13:24:20+00:00

Why does the man always have to change himself to win a woman's affection? Whereas the woman does nothing.

Katatonicsnake · 2023-04-15T12:48:57+00:00

I think men change in relationships slightly more than women because they are more in love than women, on average. I don’t have any scientific proof to back it up, just something I’ve noticed. Most people change during the course of a relationship and that’s normal, but men seem to change more.

13choppedup2chopped · 2023-04-15T12:43:47+00:00

How much can someone change about themselves? Maybe you an change the way you dress, workout, maybe change your personality to be more outgoing, hopefully you can make more money over time. You can’t get taller, you can’t really change the way you look without surgery, weight loss is about life style but also genetics, your personality is fairly hardwired after awhile. In the end, you’re still you, so those changes are difficult to keep going. I think the rise in loneliness suggests men just quit the dating game altogether. I remember a few years ago I interned for a law firm. A lot of younger men seemed to spend a lot of time playing video games in their free time. The men that were around 40 seemed hard to get to know.

AngeCruelle · 2023-04-15T18:45:23+00:00

For my BF it was a matter of learning to socialize with people and to seem approachable. Like he's still pretty awkward around strangers but at least now they can tell he's trying and open to conversation.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-04-15T19:45:59+00:00

I dont really care if a guy actively improves himself to get dates. I changed myself by losing weight and going to therapy. But I only lost 10 lbs, I have never been overweight, so it was just aesthetic reasons. Therapy was weird. Idk. Didn't do it to get guys though.

The best thing guys can do is not show their hand. Most guys I know would never admit to going to the gym to become more attractive. Instead they usually say they do it for self improvement, and I believe that they did it without trying to get something else out of it. Do it for yourself, and even if you do it to become more attractive... say you did it for yourself. Technically not a lie. Things are better when you come across as self assured.

p_taradactyl · 2023-04-16T13:14:39+00:00

I wouldn't want or expect a man to fundamentally change who he is, because if the changes are solely for the purpose of dating, he may just be pretending to change; I also would lose respect for a man who has so little conviction that he's willing to easily throw his beliefs aside for another person - that indicates a lack of integrity and a lack of a true sense of self. For example, a guy meets a nice religious girl he wants to date so he starts going to church even though he doesn't actually buy into the whole religion thing, or conversely, he rejects his religion to appeal to an atheist woman.

Eventually, you'll get tired of putting up a front, and/or your true self will emerge. It's better to find someone who shares most of the same values and beliefs. Relationships built on deceit are unhealthy for both parties. There is the possibility of having a genuine paradigm shift into a place of better compatibility but that doesn't happen overnight.

But things like showing interest in, say, a hobby, food, or genre of music that a woman is into is different - more like expanding your horizons vs. abandoning your values and principles.

I just don't like fake people in general so I'd advise against pretending to be something you're not, but being open to trying new things.

Title	Q4Women How do you think men generally change themselves to find success in getting dates and keeping relationships?
Author	kayos63
Upvotes	18
Comments	71
Date	April 15, 2023 11:52 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/12mzsth/q4women_how_do_you_think_men_generally_change/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4women-how-do-you-think-men-generally-change.1214516 https://theredarchive.com/post/1214516

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