It’s obscene that in 2023 there’s still a pervasive stigma that people who are single king term must be lacking in social skills or something major

aslfingerspell · 2023-07-02T22:52:45+00:00

It's honestly amazing how people will apply all sorts of deep economic and systemic explanations to practically everything, but the moment romance comes up, something that by definition involves society and other people, suddenly the focus becomes entirely on individual skill.

You can be the most skilled worker in the world, but it doesn't matter if none of the businesses in your area are looking for your skills.

szclimber · 2023-07-02T18:36:49+00:00

It's a massive tornado of misinformation. I know many young guys who struggled in their 20s. They lacked quantity and quality options when looking for women. Eventually most would get lucky but it wasn't easy. The stats are terrible for men. Most have to optimize everything they can and play the numbers game to succeed.

Icy-Account-7084 · 2023-07-02T17:12:11+00:00

Situations like the one mentioned are remarkably common, particularly among single men. It is disheartening how readily people make assumptions, automatically assuming a deficiency in social skills or hastily categorizing individuals as peculiar or unhygienic simply based on their relationship status.

Far_Significance2023 · 2023-07-03T01:42:34+00:00

As a man, the best I can do is give back the least to society and women.

I think it is fair to treat women exactly as they treat men, for example:

Female coworker expects me to accompany her to the parking at night. I don't.
Woman has a flat tire. I don't care.
Women initiate nice conversation with me. I say "Ok" and go my way, let it die.
See women struggling with all the baggage they don't need to bring to work but bring anyway. IDC.
I don't start conversations with them anymore. Women assume any random conversation in the fucking line is a man approaching LOL.

Of course, sometimes HR get mad at guys that do this, but autism is a real thing and a good excuse to use. You technically did nothing wrong.

This way, men who are not loved feel less resentment for women as a while, because they don't really feel like they are giving them anything that they may expect back. More men shall try this.

Nate_Reborn · 2023-07-02T18:34:45+00:00

I know very social people who are still single. I know anti social people who are taken.

Ultimately in order to find someone, you need to engage with people in whatever capacity you can to increase your likelihood of success.

A great social life is not a guarantee that you'll find someone.

Like anything in life, there are things you can do to improve your odds of success, but guarantees are impossible to make.

Puzzleheaded_Aside_3 · 2023-07-02T21:47:26+00:00

This is teenage to early 20’s in a nutshell in todays society. The propaganda, the gaslighting, the negligence from others. It’s all fake G.

The moment you realize all of this is fake is the moment you cab finally allow yourself TO NOW BEING THE ONE THAT ORGANIZES THE GAME INSTEAD OF PLAYING IT

bad_nerves · 2023-07-02T17:10:52+00:00

some people have more relationship oriented personalities than others and assume that if you're well spoken, well groomed, gainfully employed (all the basic checkmarks) then you should logically end up in a relationship. they project their personality onto others. however, not all personalities are conducive to relationships and may cause a much smaller niche of people to be attracted to them for them, leading others to be single for longer as they navigate the dating market.

spunkystoic · 2023-07-03T17:17:48+00:00

Fully agree.

I have struggled deeply with dating and get spoken to like I'm fully socially retarded on this sub...people jumping to the most insane conclusions.

In reality, I've been described as a very facially attractive, well dressed, charismatic brown dude. I have a large, diverse social circle, tons of female friends and have no problems chatting with people of all genders, making them laugh etc.

...but at the end of the day it's murder she wrote in the Western dating world cos I'm 5'1 😂

Honestly, the quicker AI partners come the better! lol

Glass_Bucket · 2023-07-02T19:57:54+00:00

I think the problem is that people assume that getting a relationship is something that's just supposed to happen to everyone naturally at some point, rather than it being the result of circumstance and luck, which is what it really is

Dumboddball · 2023-07-02T17:36:14+00:00

That’s part of a bigger problem, which is their acting like being poor at social skills is akin to being a major freak. This straight in the middle of an era where we humans have generally never been as less social as we are now. Where so many things are accessed by a single smartphone (computers aren’t even a 100% necessity for most households) and we men are traditionally wired to be less extremely social.

Green-Quantity1032 · 2023-07-02T20:34:04+00:00

'Single Kings' are challenging societal standards for social skills or something major

bobby995557 · 2023-07-04T17:30:13+00:00

If I see someone partnered/married in 2023, I feel very bad for them. The best people are always single.

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-07-02T20:04:33+00:00

If they've been single and trying for years it is unusual/statistically curious after certain ages, but it doesn't automatically mean they are socially inept.

Some are shy and just don't get out enough (shy doesn't mean socially inept).

Some are just unlucky.

Some are in a bad location (live in a small city with mostly retirees or married couples and the few young singles have mostly moved to bigger cities).

And so on and so forth.

Surely by now we’ve all read of or witnessed enough stories of complete and utter deadbeat druggies being in relationships

Plenty of 'deadbeat druggies' are high functioning, might be fun to be around, might have other things going for them.

For instance, a lot of people date Wall Street coke heads who lose more money than they make, because they have other qualities some people like.

Me I'd never be interested in a Wall Street coke head but definitely though I have never dated anyone addicted to anything more than caffeine I can definitely see the appeal in the relaxed guy with the good music who is smoking weed all day every day.

He's pleasant to be around. He's relaxing. He's friendly and kind to animals, children, his girlfriend and other adults. His eyes sparkle even through the high, et cetera.

For instance, I'd much rather be with someone with a weed problem than someone with an anger management problem, even if the latter weren't physically abusive.

Also... some of the people who date 'deadbeat druggies' are deadbeat druggies themselves, they just may not look it. They may also be high functioning.

There are men and women who binge drink and get black out drunk every weekend who also date (each other and other people), sometimes because the other days of the week on the surface they same to have it all together, when really they are about to die from alcohol poisoning one of these weekends, or their addiction will take over their weekdays soon and put them out of a job, et cetera.

'Deadbeat druggies' are sometimes the life of the party and handle themselves and never lash out in anger even while 'on something'. Whereas some sober types lose their shit and are more cruel than the druggie would ever be.

Also, yes, some people who aren't fellow deadbeats and or druggies still end up with these guys. Some of them are treated well. Some of them are not.

Some of them have issues. Some of them have none.

Some of them support their man or woman while they are fighting with an addiction and in the process of getting help. Some don't.

Some are self-punishing, some are just loving and giving toward everyone, whether they struggle with an addiction or are a deadbeat or not.

This ties into how guys are gaslit whenever they express any frustration or highlight any perceived issues with courtship they get blasted and told they’re dysfunctional and most likely the cause of the problem they’re complaining about.

If they are a good person with a good and compatible partner, this doesn't happen. But unfortunately, some people end up in dysfunctional relationships, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are the cause of the dysfunction.

Lenovo_Driver · 2023-07-02T17:25:53+00:00

Its not really hard to see why some people are single and the majority of the time its not because of how they look, but how they act, especially socially.

Also there is a very clear cut correlation between social skills and dating success.

AcrobaticRhubarb2147 · 2023-07-02T17:18:35+00:00

I think you’re reading too much into it, they were busting your b*lls a little bit for fun. Don’t take it seriously. They probably thought they were helping you to have the courage to ask women out. Friendly pressure because you made it known you were looking. Like I have a friend studying to take the cpa exam and sometimes I tell her, shouldn’t you be studying. Friendly banter but as her friend, I’m saying her goals are my goals and I want that for her. Offered to make her index cards and drill her, etc

Gravel_Roads · 2023-07-02T19:14:03+00:00

Yeah. It’s also sad that it’s 2023 and there’s still a pervasiveness stigma against women who like to have casual sex when they’re single, too.

It’s almost like nothing you do will please everyone, so you may as well ignore what people think of you and do whatsoever you were doing before you went out and looking for people’s opinions about it.

ThrowAwayHuman122333 · 2023-07-02T20:28:29+00:00

I mean, if they've been dating around and in relationships for a decent amount of time and are still single, that's usually the logical conclusion.

In my case, I've been rejecting women for a long time because I don't want the obligations that being in a relationship comes with. I enjoy my freedom, and unless a worthwhile woman comes along, I'll continue enjoying it.

I also don't date either so I may be out of the loop with non-verbal dating behaviors (knowing what to do and when I'm "supposed to" do it), and that would likely come off as "lacking in social skills" to a woman that I did develop an interest in.

Safinated · 2023-07-02T21:52:44+00:00

Men make a big deal about how thirsty they are. So of course we’re going to assume you’re trying to get laid, and failing. Logical, no?

M_LaSalle · 2023-07-03T09:15:43+00:00

People assume that if you aren't paired off by a certain age there's a reason. If you haven't got a woman, it's because no woman will have you. There's only a limited number of reasons why that could be. Social skills are a fairly obvious go to reason. That's not obscene it's just Occam's Razor.

WingclippedBirdman · 2023-07-02T20:14:31+00:00

its obscene that theres a stigma against singles as socially inept

Its really not, because its a solid assumption that socially inept people will be single.

deadbeat druggies get into relationships

Drugs are actually (generally) social boosters and drugs actively work well as a means of helping you make friends. Stoners in college tend to flock together easily over their love for weed to the point where you can have a massive social circle solely around the fact that you smoke weed. My own experience was like this, I had about 7 groups of 3-8 people each that I could hang with solely to smoke weed and shoot the shit when I was in college. Weed expanded my social circle far more than normal interaction did by miles.

weirdos are fine too!

Theyre usually stuck to a niche they can exploit. A dude whose whole personality is "goth punk" is a weirdo who will have no chance outside his niche, but because his niche is exclusionary by nature, its easy to stand out in that group. My autistic friend is a great musician and he never had more success than when he was in a band performing locally because he could exploit a niche he's no longer a part of

its not a clear cut correlation between single and socially lacking

It is clear. More social skills = less chance at singledom, the exceptions to these tend to be niched or boosted by other factors (drugs) that make up for the lack of skill.

guys are gaslit when they express frustration or highlight issues

Its not gaslighting, especially if they genuinely believe what theyre telling you. The fact is that lack of social skills is a solid assumption to make, regardless of your actual skill. If you know your skills are fine, then the problem lies elsewhere and its up to you to figure out what that problem is.

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Puzzleheaded_Aside_3 · 2023-07-02T21:55:57+00:00

As a man who is single, can i say that My preferences for a partner is SO RARE comparing to 2005. I’m 20 and what i see as Normal ( being a virgin till 20, Having a low body count, not automatically sharing your body with others or hooking up just cuz, fucking somebodies ex partner) all this stuff is normal jow and you’ll get judged for being different. People pressure you to make these decisions especially if you haven’t thought to do the opposite by your parents.

Any way WHAT I EXPECT FROM A PERSON Has BASICALLY a 5% chance of happening.

With other words. It’s gonna be harder for me to actually get a truly invested female that i can bond with traditionally. THAT SHIT IS SO RARE yet still the thing people crave for

Xennial3999 · 2023-07-03T10:04:38+00:00

I've heard by several women in my life how "easy I am to talk to", how funny I am, etc. I'm not a wet noodle, I will challenge and push back in the conversation if I need to. Occasionally flirty, but not nearly as sexually aggressive verbally as a lot of guys.

That all said. I'm almost never a girls choice and if I am for a moment it doesn't last. There's always someone else that comes along that they rather be with and im left with nothing. This is of course after spending countless hours through various channels even getting a woman's attention in the first place.

It might be my personality or social skills directly related to interacting with a potential mate , but blanket saying I have bad social skills because of my lack of success is incorrect.

Enflamed-Pancake · 2023-07-03T10:23:21+00:00

I am a long term single guy. A full decade, to be precise. I am a successful professional, highly educated, active and I maintain a handful of close personal relationships with family and friends. I wouldn’t say I am terribly attractive - I would honestly describe myself as average or slightly below average - not hideous, but a bit bland looking - no one outside of my mother has ever complimented my looks.

When I have described my dating life online, the number of people who assume I must never wash is absurd. Bear in mind I have worked professionally for years, do you think I would be employed if I noticeably stank? I shower every day, and groom myself appropriately (always clean shaven, etc).

There is a desperate attempt by some people online to paint any man who has dating troubles as some sort of ghoulish figure who is too disgusting to even wash himself, and if only he could get into a regular hygiene routine he would get laid like everyone else. Do some guys stink? Yes, but it is a fraction of a fraction (I’ve even met married and partnered guys to stink - go figure).

jayval90 · 2023-07-03T16:59:43+00:00

"It's the current year" argument makes it automatically invalid.

Kliere · 2023-07-03T20:40:56+00:00

I've never experienced that personally and I went long stretches being single (2+ years), I've actually been single for more than a year and a half currently (not including fwb).

Maybe it has to do with how you've shown your social skills to these friends? Do you have little to no female friends? Do you never initiate conversation with women? It sounds like they're assuming you lack these skills because you've never shown to them that you have them in the first place.

My friends and family know that social skills isn't the reason I'm single, however they do badger me to lower my standards.

browsing8 · 2023-07-05T15:56:33+00:00

No one of either gender I know irl denies that only physical features Matter in 99+ percent of cases and that casual sex is a better benchmark for men when it comes to “success” or being desired, while the same is true for women and commitment/relationships.

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