Hate

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-02-03T17:34:51+00:00

You hate is normal. Residing in it too long is the problem. Realize the hate. Why do I hate? How can I move on from the hate and make positive changes in my life to get to a positive state? Spin that sh!t and start your new journey.

HurtingUnit45 · 2024-02-03T01:28:46+00:00

My ex tried to destroy me. She tried to have me committed, arrested, cheated on me, tried to hide the kids in another state, tried to incite me to violence in front of the kids, slandered me in front of everyone who would listen, tried to get me fired, abandoned our kids in the hope keeping me, them, and my job going would break me, stole tens of thousands of dollars, tried to make her new guy the father of my kids before we even were divorced, tried to alienate the kids from me, and is STILL trying, almost two years later.

I have every reason to hate her, to wish her dead, to try to do the same thing. But you have to keep your shit locked down. It will pass. It seems so, so hard to believe, but it will pass. Bear down, brother.

Hot stove - do not touch.

igorstimacchat · 2024-02-02T23:36:05+00:00

I feel like I have moved past it - I've even met the most amazing person, purely by chance - but I know the hate is still there. She ruined our family, destroyed our future, hurt our children and still won't take any responsibility for the destruction she has left behind.

I channel that hate into not rising to her bait and the fact that the truth will come soon now we are with solicitors and her fall is going to be astronomical

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-02-02T21:47:51+00:00

I don't feel hate towards my stbxw, and don't think I will. I have moments of anger ... usually while I'm driving in the car alone, where I may go on a 10 minute, 4-letter, name-calling tirade.

On the one hand, I think I'm getting off a little easier than many people on this sub because my wife completely shut down and quit on our marriage in December 2017. I was never going to be the one that filed (I have my reasons). I haven't had a wife for 6 years. Her filing, in November 2023, is, in a way, setting me free.

On the other hand, she wasted the last 6 years of my life. I kept holding onto hope that she would come around. I just turned 47, and haven't had sex since I was 40. I'm a shell of the person I use to be. My self-esteem is shot. It's hard to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get back on your horse" when your legs have been chopped off.

There's going to be some rough seas ahead, I know, but I also believe that, eventually, the sun will shine again one day.

Ecstatic-Shopping313 · 2024-02-02T19:34:46+00:00

You are grieving. Anger is a stage of grief, and its the hardest one I've found to get out of.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2024-02-02T17:58:02+00:00

Its a normal feeling, don't fight it. Let the rage have its place, yell in the car, do what you gotta do to express it.

I'm 2 years post D-Day, the hate has died down a lot. It still sometimes bubbles up here and there but not as much as it used to. Its been replaced with a feeling of "what the hell is wrong with you". Almost like having a family member who you had so much going with and then one day they go on an alcohol bender and ruin your family.

black65Cutlass · 2024-02-02T15:00:53+00:00

Honestly, our divorce was final almost 2 years ago and I still hate her. She was a liar and serial cheater. I am glad to be rid of her and her insane spending habits, but she deserves every bad thing that happens to her.

Radiant_Chipmunk_616 · 2024-02-02T09:57:00+00:00

I'm in the same boat. My stbx has not only made me the villain and not owned what she did wrong to lead to our relationship ending like this, but she has emotionally abused me, lied to me, taken advantage of my desperation to save our marriage for her own gain, and lied about me. Has not and probably will never apologize for the shit she did.

I slowly got more and more angry with her over the past 1 1/2 years because she didn't want to help me as I was struggling with how much I sacrificed for us. In fact, she would do the opposite and throw it in my face that I was doing that (stay-at-home dad during the day, working full-time at night), even though we had agreed it was best for us for the time while I go through school. I slowly felt myself get more and more hateful towards her because she was passively and actively not helping me, and our relationship became so one-sided with who loved who.

Now she just acts like I never mattered, has completely moved on already, and is probably already seeing someone (it's only been 3ish months). I have to coparent with her? I have to still see her?

I can't help but to hate this woman. She used me, refused for whatever reason to value us, switched all her values and is so readily happy to be done. And she still treats me like the villain and is making the divorce process a living hell with what she has still demanded, said, and threatened.

At times I honestly hope she dies. But I know that's not right.

osikalk · 2024-02-02T09:08:47+00:00

I sympathize with you from the bottom of my heart. I must say that the phase of rage and acute hatred is a necessary step towards genuine healing, moreover, without hatred for the cheater and for what they have done, healing is impossible.

We cannot learn to love again, if we do not learn or we will not be able to hate. This is the law.

Now about forgiveness. To forgive is to stop punishing a person directly or indirectly (in our thoughts and feelings). You can forgive a cheater only in the evangelical Christian sense, in the sense of stopping wishing them harm. This is expressed in a sense of indifference towards the cheater. But to forgive a cheater in a personal sense, that is, to forget what they did and accept it is impossible. We will remember their betrayal to the grave, although time will smooth out the sharpness of our feelings, sometimes we will eventually look at their shit even with humor. There are only two medicines here: it is necessary to completely eliminate "reminders" as far as possible (NC, not seeing the cheater and not hearing about them, etc.), "replace" the cheater and the cheating with someone and/or something. Of course, it's easy to say, it's hard to do, but almost all of our fellow sufferers did it.

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-02-02T04:53:49+00:00

Its the third stage of grief and perfectly normal. Lean into it, be angry, and acknowledge why. You have to move through this stage to reach acceptance. Be aware that depression often follows anger! Good luck man!!

gorillavstiger · 2024-02-02T02:43:21+00:00

Establish boundaries.

I felt near where you are, I set up several boundaries that have been helpful.

1) She cannot enter my house. She LOST her mind with this one, partially because it was where we lived together though also because she is a control freak. It was incredibly helpful.

2) I don't talk on the phone with her. Our horrible communication issues did not magically get fixed when we got a divorce. She used to constantly ask to have phone calls, I tried it during the separation and the result was always the same. Her repeating herself ad nauseum and expecting me to agree. Nope!

3) No more texting. She was texting me SOO often, I finally had to cut her off.

Boundaries are magical

IllustriousCry672 · 2024-02-02T01:43:17+00:00

It's normal and helpful, as it can help you accept necessary truths. Once it's done it's part though, you leave it behind.

Legitimate_Text9879 · 2024-02-02T01:28:45+00:00

Living well is the best revenge.

rhett342 · 2024-02-01T23:55:32+00:00

I go back and forth between anger and sadness. It's mostly anger.

Peoniesandpopsicles · 2024-02-01T22:37:24+00:00

Ya it’s normal, just don’t let it go in for too long. It’s a waste of energy and the negative emotion is harmful to your health. It will come back from time to time but don’t waste time thinking about her.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-02-01T22:32:43+00:00

It is a stage many men go through.

Is your divorce final?

krazykanuck · 2024-02-01T22:26:59+00:00

Feel your feelings but know this; wasting time thinking about what others have done or didn't do is just that, wasting time. My best guess on why so much of us go through a period of hate is that we are men, and we are naturally programmed to protect ourselves from things that have or may hurt us. The hate is just a manifestation of pain and betrayal. When you are ready, deal with what's underneath and don't waste your time thinking about her anymore.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-02-01T22:05:43+00:00

I've passed thru that valley I'm happy to say. Now I reside in bemused indifference lol

Reflog1791 · 2024-02-01T22:04:30+00:00

Hate for awhile then I poured all of that energy into improving my golf game which makes me very happy. But new issue came up (relocation) and I’m right back where I started four years ago. Did 400 push-ups yesterday, called the lawyers and set up a counseling appointment. It’s fucked my lawyer says the relocation will be a toss up in court. Trump card is in my state 45% custody is the cut off for presuming the move should not happen. I’m at fucking 42% so it’s literally just whatever the judge would want to do. May post about it to get the hive mind working on this one but the legal advice was wait until the rumor (from ex Mil, whom strongly objects to the move) turns into an official notice then file my objection.

slow-motion-pearls · 2024-02-01T21:55:57+00:00

In the same situation, in about the same phase. Moving out helped. I’m far from perfect and once I found out I fucked my emotional affair (in response to the cheating) within a week. I’m working on a new relationship as we speak. She’s aware of the drama and wants to move slowly. I’m fine with her decision.

Title	Hate
Author	Slow_Complex9685
Upvotes	20
Comments	43
Date	February 1, 2024 9:52 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1agmq6n/hate/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/hate.1244380 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244380

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