Newly divorced paradox

SkeptiCynical · 2024-02-18T16:02:51+00:00

My divorce took almost 6 years to complete. Another two years on top of that for a nasty custody battle. It cost me more than $100k and it took me years to get back up to zero.

But less than a year into being separated, I met a girl who checked off all my boxes. I had no intention of ever entering a LTR again, neither did she. I had literally nothing to offer except myself. We were both broken and burned by our insane exes. We happened to find each other at the right time and since that day ten years ago and we've never been apart. We did our time in therapy, we worked our asses off in a series of side gigs to get on our feet financially. After eight years of living together, sharing and decorating a home, going on family vacations together, seeing each other through surgeries and court cases and building up each other's careers and living a totally normal, healthy relationship without fighting or addictions or mental disorders, we got married.

It takes time to change your very normal knee-jerk reaction to relationship pressure after you've gone through a bad breakup. It took me eight years. Even though I made a bad decision 20 years ago, that doesn't mean I'm incapable of making a good decision today. Your screening process will improve, the pool of candidates will thin itself out as you age, and you'll be able to choose or reject your next relationship with a new set of eyes.

IllustriousCry672 · 2024-02-18T05:39:56+00:00

Delulu is the Solulu.

Retying3043 · 2024-02-18T04:23:08+00:00

What do you believe that dating is going to do for you?

jimsmythee · 2024-02-17T23:11:32+00:00

For me. My first marriage was good, until she found pills. I call it sheer luck that I escaped with a great divorce outcome.

But I did get married again. She is really nice. My kids like her. She’s sober. She’s my best friend.

roshi-roshi · 2024-02-17T22:42:51+00:00

I can’t imagine going out with anyone again. It will have to be the easiest relationship in the world for me to stick with it. I’m so tired. Feel like I worked so hard and I have nothing to show for it.

Lonely-Reach8748 · 2024-02-17T20:26:38+00:00

Because it’s fun when you realize you have boundaries and can communicate them

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-02-17T20:19:52+00:00

I like getting my dick wet

stpetesouza · 2024-02-17T19:59:01+00:00

stacksmasher · 2024-02-17T19:18:59+00:00

You need to find a slimy lawyer to show you how to setup a protected trust. Then the financial impacts will be covered next time.

qtipheadosaurus · 2024-02-17T18:59:17+00:00

Because I believe in Mawwiage and Wuv, Twoo Wuv

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2024-02-17T18:29:28+00:00

“We connected physically first and very quickly.” That was my downfall 35 years ago. Won’t be making that mistake again. Not dating now. May not ever. My peace is too valuable.

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-02-17T18:16:07+00:00

I miss the poon tang

CaliDude75 · 2024-02-17T18:08:05+00:00

I jumped back into dating soon after my separation/divorce. Too soon? Maybe, maybe not. But even my negative experiences were valuable. Has definitely clarified what I’m looking for in terms of attributes and personality.

Just go in with low expectations, enjoy the moment, don’t be too needy or desperate. Swipe right on people that you don’t think would necessarily be “your type.”

Throwawaysi1234 · 2024-02-17T17:39:00+00:00

Took about a year before I was really ready to get back in.

Fact of the matter is that I like being in relationships. There were a lot of good years in my former marriage.

One thing that sucks about divorce is it that it makes it easy to develop a negative outlook on women in general but there are good women out there.

Fair_Joke471 · 2024-02-17T17:05:33+00:00

It’s expensive to live alone. My girlfriend and I moved in together and it’s been a breath of fresh air. Not all women are the same, and I’m realizing more and more how annoying and difficult my ex was.

Neither-Butterfly184 · 2024-02-17T16:54:40+00:00

I know from my experience I refuse to ever dare another woman seriously again. All gotta be flings for me. I don’t trust women after my exwife

One4All992 · 2024-02-17T16:49:15+00:00

This is a great question. I go back and forth on this myself. I tell myself the game plan is to go one year, after the divorce is finalized, without dating or sex and just really focus on myself and my kids not that this isn't or hasn't been my focus but it's harder to do when the stbxw is still around. Then when speaking with my therapist I told him I want to go a year and who knows maybe forever without ever dating again. He said it's a good plan, but you shouldn't completely shut yourself out to the idea even if it's before the year. He said that many people go through what you are going through, but imagine completely ignoring the potential of having and being in what an actual good relationship is like. It hit differently when he said it.

Additionally, my divorce is not exactly the same as most. We separated for one year, and that was honestly worse than what is happening now. During our separation my therapist said even if the plan is to workout it out with each other you still need to understand that it could go the other way.

With all that being said, and the crazy shit that has transpired in my life over the last two years, April 3rd is our first court date, I think I'm more open to the idea now of seeing someone but I'm going to lay it out on the table and tell them exactly how it's going to be if they want to start seeing me. It's going to be a very slow starting relationship, I'm not sure if I'll ever want marriage again, sex isn't going to happen until we connect personally and emotionally first.

My biggest regret in life has always been chasing the tail and never really wanting to connect in other areas first. I believe this is one area that contributed to my failed marriage we connected physically first and very quickly and it was awesome for many years, once that failed and the connection of emotion and personally wasn't as strong it all crumbled. I wonder what a relationship would be like if the connections of emotion and personal are developed first over the physical.

Gattsama · 2024-02-17T16:43:43+00:00

There are several different groups of men in that category.

Guys that are not ready, emotionally damaged, and looking for another relationship as a bandaid.
Guys that are not ready, nor want, a relationship; but can separate sex from love. And often, after years of little to no physical intimacy or sex; they just want to have fun.
Guys that have done the therapy, emotional work, etc. They know what they want (marriage, relationship, FWB, setup rotation, ONS, etc) and pursue that.

You want to avoid being part of the first group. You need to know yourself well enough to know if you could do the second group. Despite popular opinion, most guys can not emotionally separate love from sex, and trying to do so has negative consequences.

The goal is group three. You are 'healed' and know what you want. Even if you only want ONS and FWB, it's what you want. You make strong boundaries and only choose to pursue that which benefits you.

There is, of course, overlap between these groups and transitions. No one can directly advise you how to move on or heal, because every guy is different. But big picture we often fall into several groups. I'm in the:

very little experience 'nice guys' that married our first love (or first serious relationship). Weak boundaries and self-esteem issues. We thought that if we just worked hard enough, love hard enough, talk long enough, etc, we can make it work. But we chose unhealthy partners that are users, selfish, gaslighting, often engauge in emotional/mental abuse, and are unworkable.

The real question for us is 'why did we pick this woman' & 'why did we stay.' The other big issue for us is learning what we want and then setting firm boundaries on that with women. Learning to walk away and take care of ourselves first.

This is the group that really benefits from "No more Mr Nice guy" by Robert Glover. And in my case also "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. We need to move away from one-itis and into an abundance mindset / lifestyle.

I can't comment as much for the other groups: cheated and abandoned because she never really cared for you but just settled; everything was good until you lost your job or injured and hypergamy resulted in monkey branching, etc.

You need to step way back. Figure out what went wrong in the marriage. Really look at the role you played (I was simping hard, not setting boundaries, and allowing abuse) then ask yourself why you acted that way. Then decide how you want to live going forward. Then work to make that new person and lifestyle a reality. That's a personal path only you can walk.

But again, odds are its also a similar path to several other guys. Figure out yourself, then look for resources from guys that have been through similar. Therapy can help you either figure out these questions, answer these questions, or challenge you to grow.

Good luck & be safe out there...

SelectionNo3078 · 2024-02-17T16:41:39+00:00

We do it all for the nookie.

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-02-17T16:30:59+00:00

Because all women are not the same. You need to heal yourself before you get back into the dating pool And when you are ready, date just for friendship and fun. Someone to go to the movies with, not a potential mate. Keep it simple and keep realistic expectations. There is hope down the road. I go remarried to a great lady last Sept after being single 12 years. Keep your chin up!

Title	Newly divorced paradox
Author	BilboMontague1
Upvotes	5
Comments	38
Date	February 17, 2024 3:52 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1at50f1/newly_divorced_paradox/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/newly-divorced-paradox.1245664 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245664

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