I simply cannot fucking do it. Beating AA isn't happening for me.

sour_soup · 2015-03-04T21:47:21+00:00

If you never approached don't go for the full conversation. Start slow.

When you are on your way home from work/school just usk random people simple stuff. "Do you know where the next ATM is?" "Did i miss the bus?" Doesn't matter. Just ask them and go away. You have to learn that nobody wants to kill you. At worst, just turn around and go away!

Next try the same thing with girls you find attractive. Same procedure: ask them simple questions and go away. Don't force a conversation.

If that gets boring try a little more: "Hey do you know where the next ATM is? That's a really nice dress by the way..." And go away again..

You can do this as long as you want and scale it up in small steps. If you don't feel it that day, you can step it down a little bit, but just get used to it.

And voila, someday you stepped it up to a full conversation. It doesn't matter if its next week, next month or in a year. There is no real destination here. The path is the destination.

MaxBonerstorm · 2015-03-04T23:54:38+00:00

The best possible thing to do is start approaching people you aren't attracted to, or guys, or whomever just to talk about literally anything.

Go to the store and talk to an old person in an isle about what kind of (whatever the hell they are looking at) they prefer. The more you get comfortable about talking to whomever about whatever the easier it will be when the pressure is on when you like someone.

Once you get good at talking to fat dudes in the wine isle, you can progress to the not quite attractive older lady who works the checkout. Whatever, just small steps.

Eventually, I promise, you will just naturally do that shit and eventually you will bag yourself a totes hottie to take home and show your MLP collection (or baseball cards, or whatever)

aredcup · 2015-03-04T21:45:19+00:00

Same boat here. Good looking, dress nice, gym everyday, school, educated, etc. etc. Just have so much trouble with AA. Obviously less when I'm drunk but I'd prefer to meet some girls at school and gym rather than in bars and nightlife.

Commenting for update later if you get advice.

Tjodleik · 2015-03-05T07:26:00+00:00

First of all I'm gonna go against the current here and say that you don't "beat" AA. It's a part of who you are, at least for now, and if you try to push it away, beat it or in any way "win" you're only fighting against yourself, and it's a battle that can never truly be won.

On a personal footnote I hate the term "AA." It's an anxiety reaction, and labeling it as "approach anxiety" and thus connecting it to a certain situation can actually make it a part of the problem.

Second, if you don't know why you're getting this anxiety then just about everything you try is gonna be pretty much useless since you don't know what the real problem is. It's like trying to hit a bull's eye after beeing blindfolded and spun around ten times.

My greatest tool when I started this was the question "why?" Why am I so afraid of people talking to me? Why do I feel full blown panic when a stranger approach me, even if it's just to ask what time it is? Why am I so afraid of talking to girls? The answer was ... complicated, and I needed a few more tools to fix it, but "why" was the foundation for it all.

So, how do we solve this? /u/JT91733/ suggested meditation, and I totally agree. I find mindfullness to be the best, as it's practically designed to get you out of your head, which I suspect is your main problem here. Here's a little rant by RSD's Jeffy on how it affects your brain and why you should do it:

http://youtu.be/fmA6BqvC0xs

Here's another thing to consider, namely "How's the water."

https://vimeo.com/68855377

In my opinion it's a great little video, as it shows us how we can get stuck in our own ways and stop thinking outside the box, and go on to make assumptions about people that aren't necessarily true. I got a lot out of that one as I used it to turn my thoughts from "worst case" to "best case." Cause hey, if you're gonna assume things about people you haven't even talked to you might as well go for the best, right?

Here's another couple of jewels I picked up, and although they might be aimed at people who do approach, the process is, at least in my experience, similar enough for it to be useful for everybody.

Why approaching til you "go numb" is a really bad idea

A more detailed explaination of what's going on

In my opinion those two posts are much better at explaining my own theory, namely that thoughts are like living creatures that "feed" on the time and energy you invest in them, and once you learn to just observe them with minimal investment they are going to starve and at the very least become manageable. It also works great if you get good at meditation, as entering a meditative state when you're about to approach can work wonders as it will dampen the associations, memories and emotions anchored to them, which makes up the bulk of anxiety.

This is just my personal experience speaking, but I've found that anxiety itself isn't that bad. It's the memories of all the other times I was in similar situations and fucked up, and the emotional baggage that's attatched to them, that's the real problem. As the "How's the water"-video also touches upon, once you've done this enough times it becomes the standard, something that's half buried in your subconsciousness and trigger certain behaviors without you even knowing why it happens. Cause it's "what you do", "who you are" or some other rationalization that "explains" why you ended up in this particular spot.

I'm gonna finish off with a couple of more links that I, again, hope you will find useful.

TEDx: Be brilliant every single day - part 1

TEDx: Be brilliant every single day - part 2

To boil it down, rytmic breathing will unfuck your brain (at least to a certain point) and make anxiety reactions more manageable. And speaking of which ...

Video on meditative breathing

The site is norwegian, but the video itself is in english. I'm gonna round it up with this one:

Brendon Burchard: Motivation - the myth of limiting beliefs

The essence here is that you will always have negative shit going on in your life. It's whether or not you let it win the day that makes a difference.

This turned into an awfully long rant, but hopefully you'll get something useful out of it.

T.

PS: Also, stop being mad at yourself. It doesn't help one bit, and in many cases you'll just end up creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

ThrowawayPUA · 2015-03-04T23:44:55+00:00

"Count to 3, then go"

That is exactly the opposite of the Three Second Rule.

Throwaway_d · 2015-03-04T22:53:56+00:00

Beating approach anxiety is hard. Your brain and body goes into 'survival' mode and there's really nothing you can think that will help.

The only way to beat AA is to gradually desensitise yourself in small steps. I've done this myself and it works.

Here's roughly how you do it:

Step 1: get next to her

Step 2: same as above, but ask an innocent question ('how is the food here?')

Step 3: same as above but stay longer by asking follow up questions ('is it worth the money?What would you recommend?')

Step 4: same as above but ask a personal question ('thanks. Is this your usual lunch spot?' An 'open' question is even better)

At step 4 you will start getting some rejections, but that's ok. Your goal right now is just to get comfortable.

Step 5: Say something flirty

You can also build up to direct approaches in a similar way. Step 1: Say a compliment, walk away. ('Great outfit')

Step 2: Say a compliment, ask a follow up question ('where did you get that jacket? I have a friend that would love it')

Step 3: Tell her she's looking gorgeous today, walk away

Step 4: Tell her she's looking gorgeous today, stay and talk to her

Check out the book 'She's six steps away' by Eric Disco, and I beleive there are other similar resources mentioned in this thread

Neathx · 2015-03-05T02:42:37+00:00

Watch projectgo (simplepickup) on YouTube. What a game changer that was for me.

Niererwf · 2015-03-04T22:04:07+00:00

Check out good-looking losers approach anxiety program. It may take more then a year but you will get over it. Focus on small step-victories in this program. Also can you approach girls in night-clubs? I couldn't at first but after a long time doing good looking loser kinda like thing (high fives stage currently at) I could approach girls at nightclubs (good cuz you're 95% physical dance stuff, no talk)

Juuichidaime · 2015-03-05T17:11:46+00:00

I'm assuming you jerk off a lot. Make it a goal of yours to not jerk off until you approach a girl and you'll soon see yourself overcoming that approach anxiety.

AA is one of those things that's always there, the difference being the more you approach the less power it has on you over time because you learn that it's ok to be uncomfortable, and you learn to turn that adrenaline into something positive.

Really though it comes down to if you want it bad enough you will grow some balls and approach, theres really no other way around it.

It's like jumping into a cold pool

HowlingZebra · 2015-03-04T22:43:49+00:00

Could it help you if you don't think about it as picking up? Just don't think about the outcome, and try to be as casual as possible as if you have no intentions. Maybe pretend like you don't even talk to her directly. Once she has your attention and you have approached her your AA should be gone hopefully. I'm no expert by any means, this advice just popped up in my head. I mean what's the worst that could happen? She might not be interested in you and by next week she won't even remember your interaction with her.

Like others said: start slow, heck if you find it hard to ask a girl where the ATM is or what time it is start by asking guys if you do not only have AA for girls but people in general. And move up from there.

ClassicGoth · 2015-03-05T01:17:52+00:00

As a friend told me, "Pretend she's fat".

eagleclaw457 · 2015-03-05T02:34:12+00:00

baby steps, talk to everybody, even the ugly homeless man, everybody that you come into contact with. Just think: today you are wax on, wax off, grasshopper, tomorrow you are karate master.

JT91733 · 2015-03-05T03:42:52+00:00

Meditate, meditate, meditate

Phenxz · 2015-03-05T07:38:22+00:00

I'll recommend Goodlookingloser's very detailed "approach anxiety" program. It's free (at http://www.goodlookingloser.com/anxiety/program-index ), and he breaks down on a day-to-day basis what to do, and most importantly, he points out with psychologically valid arguments what to focus on and what not to focus on (ie. you're not allowed to try and get a woman's number for the first exercises, as to detach you from the outcome, in an effort to get you used to engaging women.).

Simple pickup also has a great mindset, and then there's the obvious Mark manson's "models" book, that can help address some inner game beliefs necessary to achieve the right mindset.

I'd suggest focusing on either simplepickup or goodlookingloser, as the best way to regulate your behavior is by a mix of addressing your inner beliefs and exposing yourself gradually in small steps to the situations that make you anxious - SP and GLL guides you through both these aspects fairly well.

Afdavis11 · 2015-03-05T15:23:57+00:00

Just start approaching everybody. Ask people how they are. When you see a gentleman with a cool jacket, say so. When you see a gorgeous woman in a cute dress, follow suit. Soon you'll realize the challenge isn't the approach, it's being prepared for the reply.

iammrwill · 2015-03-04T22:42:09+00:00

What really got me into the door of approaching is making myself accountable. You have a guy friend who is your best buddy? Tell him you're going to go get a girl's number today, if you don't you owe him drinks.

You have a female friend that you're close with? Ask her to go to the mall with you. When you see a cute girl, tell your friend to wait for you for a few minutes while you go chat up that girl.

Or better yet, go hit on some girls with another of your guy friends together. Make jokes with each other about how you'll approach. Laugh your ass off at the responses!

I did these three example, one time each, and then my AA is fucking gone. I approach anybody that interests me and I just don't care.

massthetics · 2015-03-04T22:38:00+00:00

Try good looking loser's program. It's pretty foolproof if you follow the directions and really commit to it. It also starts off very easy so you can get some confidence to start.

secondpua · 2015-03-05T01:25:51+00:00

Small chunk it. Figure out where your anxiety is and then you will know where to start.

Can't direct approach so do an indirect approach
Can't do a indirect approach do a approach where you ask where something is or what the time is.
Can't go up and ask a question then when you see a girl you like turn around and follow them for 20m as if you were going to approach
Can't follow them for 20m then when you see them just stop and turn and watch them for a few moments.

Find which one you can do then work your way up. You need to find the point where the anxiety is not overwhelming but it is enough anxiety that it puts you out of your comfort zone. Once you have pushed yourself enough you find yourself thinking, man that's easy. What's the next step.

Also make sure that your mindset is about your action, not about their reaction. I think to myself "I'm out here doing this. Most guys don't have the balls to do this. I'm fearless and i'm the shit because of this. Yes I feel fear but the fact that i'm out here doing this even with this fear makes me even more manly and strong. Most people are living in a daze because they are too scared to go after what they want and I always go for what i want and girls will love that. I am a sleeping giant and once i get rid of some of the dust on my conversational skills and then when once i can show who i already know i am inside, who i am verbally they will be all over me. Its just a skillset. I'm out and will practice it". I know that was long but its pretty much all stuff I tell myself.

TdeG76 · 2015-03-05T02:20:58+00:00

This is a day by day challenge that starts small and ends big. Try this.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Stylelife-Challenge-Neil-Strauss/dp/B001E3BY5W

Dietyz · 2015-03-05T02:37:25+00:00

Approach women who aren't as attractive, just talk to them about anything or ask them some default questions. After a while you willl be able to do it with anyone it just takes a little bit until you become comfortable with talking to random strangers

OatSquares · 2015-03-05T03:01:13+00:00

Sounds like you're at the edge of breaking through. Let your frustration break the barriers youve got built around you.

Terakahn · 2015-03-05T03:12:30+00:00

I don't know if this will help, but here goes. Not saying it's good advice, just my experiences.

I used to struggle with this. I had a period where I was deathly afraid of approaching any strangers. This was after I had no problems approaching anyone in the past, but this new knowledge of something called approach anxiety caused serious psychological issues.

This occurred for a long time. Until I just stopped caring. This realization that some stranger's opinion of me just didn't matter that much, changed everything. So let's say I walk up to some pretty girl, and she shuts me down. Why have I really lost? I'm a confident guy, I know how awesome I am. Nothing ventured nothing gained right? And I know that having a meaningful, fun interaction with someone is just as good for them as it is for me.

So here's what I started doing, I think I took it from the art of approaching or some other similarly named book. I see them, and then I try to make eye contact. When we lock eyes I'll just smile. 90% of the time they smile back and I'll just say hi. Boom, conversation started. What you do from there is up to you. Eye contact is a powerful thing, and that alone can break AA. Just lock eyes with someone and keep it locked. There's a feeling you'll experience that will brush all that anxiety aside. Does wonders for confidence levels too.

Might also have something to do with the fact I've worked a ton of customer service jobs and sort of forced into it to an extent.

But me nowadays? I go out of my way to do wacky things. It's just how I am now. People look at me like I should be embarrassed or whatever. I just laugh because I think it's funny. I think people worry about their image and what people will think way too much. The power of not taking yourself too seriously perhaps.

Remember what you think of yourself and your self image. Keep that in mind next time you say hi to a stranger. Who cares how they react, you aren't doing it for them.

funshinebear13 · 2015-03-05T03:24:59+00:00

Mate. AA is tough. Maybe instead of thinking about approaching to pick up approach to have a conversation. Also warm up! Talk to the guys near you the girls who ever then approach with intent to find out passions. Then approach to close the set. But always warm up and have fun don't think about pick up think about meeting new people and having fun :)

kikrex · 2015-03-05T03:27:36+00:00

Naturals are known to never have to ability to articulate exactly what they do, and how they are so successful with girls. Here's an exception that I found useful. I asked a buddy of mine how he approaches gaming girls, and he said to me, that he talks to them like he talks to old people. So go practice on some old people.

Working with that idea, here's another one: I'm in the middle of teaching myself how to do a power clean. It's a pain in the ass because it has such distinct parts to it and the bar is really flying around in the air with a lot of potential for embarrassment. The best resource I found on how to perform a proper power clean broke the movement into 4 pieces, each one building on the last, carrying me goal by goal through perfection of the movement.

If I could learn the high hang clean pull, I could move to the high hand power clean then the low hangs and then finally the true power clean.

Start with a chat and a smile with the cute starbucks girl or whatever. Small goals that grow with ability. Small goals that are really deeply truly appreciated by you. I look like a jackass doing the high hand cleans with a bar with no weight, and it's not my end goal-fuck it's not even close! BUT I made sure that in my own head I was really happy and proud of the small goals. Reward yourself in your mind so you are encouraged to push to the next goal and enjoy the process.

TL;DR: Treat em like old people. start with small interactions that have a pre-defined end to them.

Grifter32 · 2015-03-05T03:43:56+00:00

This hits close to home. There's no reason I should fear approaching women, but it scares me to death. I work out, have a good job, my own house, etc etc. Yet approaching a woman is my biggest fear. It didn't used to be like this. I don't know what happened.

doctordaedalus · 2015-03-05T03:51:13+00:00

Go on a weekend, or even just a one day, vacation. Somewhere not too far from where you live, but more than an hour or so. Take some friends, or just a friend. Go out to some place with a bar in that area. Or a bookstore, or a coffee shop. Practice there. Far from familiarity, far from a place where thoughts can come into your head like "if she says no, then ...". Because in this scenario, you have absolutely nothing to lose. In this town, you're nobody. In your world, she's nobody. You'll drive home tomorrow and this fantasy will be nothing more than a dream and an enjoyable little road trip. And that's just the worst case scanario. ;)

Llleblanc1986 · 2015-03-05T04:18:56+00:00

Go to GoodLookingLoser website, they have a free program that actually Works.. It desentesises you to the anxiety . But I agree with the guys below, just talk to people in general, stop making it a big deal, and everybody has anxiety. RARELY do men approach women, ever

DlmaoC · 2015-03-05T04:20:49+00:00

Honestly as soon as the conversation starts it's like all that nervousness just vanishes. Once I get the conversation starting it doesn't matter what happens, she slaps me, she screams at me, we hit it off, I just feel good. AA doesn't carry over once you say hello, it goes away. Once you realize that, it's so much easier to approach.

oahumotherfucker · 2015-03-05T04:31:58+00:00

For me what I have found to work with relative ease and high yields, tell jokes. Really cheesy jokes. Bad jokes. Intellectual jokes. Dirty jokes. I think you get the idea.

ruhri · 2015-03-05T04:38:28+00:00

Tell me, what's your inner game like? What does the dialogue inside your head sound like? How high are your levels of confidence and self-esteem, self-worth and so on? Is it possible you might need to place more focus on addressing what does(or doesn't) go on inside your head? Just throwing it out there because many guys including myself find that working intensively on inner game somehow sets something in motion that lets everything else fall into place over time. It is crazy how much the subconscious thoughts inside your head can limit you. I know a lot of people scoff at stuff like positive affirmations and stuff because it seems all wishy-washy, but it's working brilliantly for me and has made a huge difference when I was getting started. Don't know if all this applies to your situation, but thought I'd mention it anyway.

fntsclama · 2015-03-05T04:46:13+00:00

From me overcoming AA, I basically started by not trying to have sex or a relationship with girls. Like we all get so caught up with trying to get laid that we forget some of the most simplistic human interactions. Best conversation starters for me is do i know you? and just reply oh you look like someone i know, my name is omziraal.

lItsAutomaticl · 2015-03-05T05:30:04+00:00

Start slow, and remember that anxiety and awkwardness never go away entirely, they are part of the process.

Big_TX · 2015-03-05T07:02:59+00:00

i think the guide I made should help you. a lot. and defiantly watch the RSD vid at the end.

http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2oupxn/how_to_force_myself_to_make_the_move/cmr21bl

also what may help is to do this in conjunction with he guide:

for one week ask 5 people for the time every day.

then the next week ask for directions.

then try and chit chat for a short wile.

then try it with attractive girls.

then try and actually approach.

(there are programs write by actual coaches if you wanna look for one from a more reputable source)

SheepKing · 2015-03-05T07:04:22+00:00

Look at my latest post on my blog : thxmate.net

x_digger · 2015-03-05T07:13:38+00:00

Not sure if this is addressed.

But, usually once it gets to this situation, any amount of planning will only make your anxiety WORSE.

Your anxiety (I'm guessing) is caused by you thinking way to much beforehand.

Just like in sports, when you've done something a thousand times, but instead this time you overthink it and you fumble, it is similar to that.

So the only small advice I can give you is that you need to change your approach by a large amount. Give yourself less time to build up the moment, try not to make each encounter into an.... encounter, but simply just talking to a human being, not one of the opposite sex.

zuk1 · 2015-03-05T07:16:18+00:00

Man up or man off.

SlowlyPickingUp · 2015-03-05T10:56:51+00:00

Do bets with your friend releated to approaching. For example " I bet 2 drinks that you can't have conv with her about shirt colors." This sets you in the "I want to win this mood". It makes you confident, and soon your AA will be history.

HighAsDuck · 2015-03-05T11:33:23+00:00

Stop doing pickup immediately and start studying Buddhism, not as a religion but as a form of psychotherapy, specifically zen and Taoism. A great introduction is anything written by Alan watts, or if you want you can find many of his lectures on YouTube. You are not yet ready for pickup. Sex is merely one biological urge, but there are far more important things. Clear your mind and cleanse your life of the scars of tour past and then come back to pick up. Trust me.

Bl4ckR4v6n · 2015-03-05T11:51:07+00:00

Walk into a shop and ask the cute girl for assistance, give her one compliment, and do this until it is easier to talk to a girl

joshsway · 2015-03-05T13:18:13+00:00

Have you tried a more gradual approach to overcoming approach anxiety? I wrote about 6 intermediate steps to approaching that could help you: https://www.joshsway.com/articles/view/6-ways-to-combat-approach-anxiety

meowfix · 2015-03-05T15:21:52+00:00

Watch the channel simple pickup on YouTube. Or even subscribe to their new project go!.

rlaine · 2015-03-06T15:17:21+00:00

Use creatine.

My_Bad_Bruh · 2015-03-05T06:34:11+00:00

"With humility comes confidence"

That's your problem. You're too scared to get shutdown, humiliated, rejected, etc. You need to put yourself in those types of situations or you'll never progress. Think about it in terms of Sports, all it is is practice. If your team doesn't practice well then your team probably isn't going to win. You'll appreciate the experience because when it comes time for "Game day" and you finally hit it off right with a chick you'll know exactly how to handle it.

Carianus · 2015-03-05T09:26:01+00:00

Instead of fighting the AA you could go deep inside yourself and try to find out the reason for it. Fighting a reason ist sometimes easier than fighting the symptoms.

RompeChocha · 2015-03-05T04:41:18+00:00

-Online Dating my friend. It's a lot easier to meet someone you've been texting and talking on the phone with. I used to do cold approaches but i hardly do it anymore but i should.

-Liquid Courage. Alcohol.

thelittlebuster · 2015-03-05T00:26:49+00:00

i guess you just weren't meant to reproduce. or don't be a pussy and just do it. I get that it can be harder than that but if you miss every shot you dont take. especially if its with people you dont know why even bother caring if you fuck up.

Title	I simply cannot fucking do it. Beating AA isn't happening for me.
Author	omziraal
Upvotes	121
Comments	66
Date	March 4, 2015 9:22 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2xy7qd/i_simply_cannot_fucking_do_it_beating_aa_isnt/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-simply-cannot-fucking-do-it-beating-aa-isnt.1384854 https://theredarchive.com/post/1384854

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