There's nothing I can do.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-05-21T08:52:05+00:00

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It's not good that you put your wife through that, but at least you've changed. Sadly, you lost your wife. I feel like you lost her when she first left you. She seemed to feel sorry for you, returned, gave you false hope, and then moved on.

You know that women always think ten steps ahead, and she is long gone. I think it's disgusting that she gave you hope and then let you go. You're doing the right thing by moving on and using what you have found out about yourself to find that special someone or thing that leads to something, giving the new light in your life the better you and allowing your wife to do whatever she does. She's not going to be happy in the long run. She left you but stayed around getting her ducks in a row and kicking you while you were down.

I believe in karma. What's worse: someone who finds out that they have problems, fixes them, and tries to fix what they broke, or someone who has left the relationship, most likely having at least an emotional affair, giving that person hope? That is just so cruel. She will find that life will come back and hit hard; it always does. But you, my friend, move on with what you've learned and the new you, finding a special someone, the new and improved you.

WittyBeautiful7654 · 2024-05-18T13:16:03+00:00

Enjoy getting cucked out

KushKloud777 · 2024-05-17T23:18:58+00:00

I know I was a piece of shit who took her for granted. I know I was emotionally and verbally abusive. I know I wasn't present for the last 6 months or so of the marriage.

So it’s your fault?

Don’t cry now.🤷‍♂️

WittyBeautiful7654 · 2024-05-17T19:30:41+00:00

Oh yeah man she had it all planned out her and her boyfriend.

Commercial-Rub-3223 · 2024-05-17T17:39:38+00:00

At least you acknowledge that's its your fault your marriage is over. You made your bed now you gotta lie in it. Take the L and walkaway you did enough damage to push her away. I would have sympathy for but it seems your the villain here

NohoTwoPointOh · 2024-05-17T08:51:12+00:00

First step for men? Stop using 1950’s terms like “asking “ for a divorce. It really helps with the mental bit.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Kinkymixedcplca · 2024-05-17T08:45:48+00:00

Hard pill to swallow

WittyBeautiful7654 · 2024-05-17T06:53:46+00:00

I'm sorry brother. That ain't the same woman ya was married to. I hope your grieving goes quickly. Get a lawyer get a therapist. Go to the gym, that shit helps. Start eating right. Find yourself an outfit. Don't leave your house. Don't agree to anything for a few months. Don't talk to her DON'T FUCK HER. Move on as quickly as you heart will let. You'll be better for it. Go chase pussy if that's your thing. Go get drunk ONE good time. Do it privately do it safely. When the hangover gives way. Focus on your new life get her shit off of you. The pics on your phone gotta go. Don't call Don't message. Next few months a couple things are going to happen and they will suck if you're still waiting on her. You got this there are great resources here. Use em. Take care bro and hmu if ya need to vent

MidniteOG · 2024-05-17T04:00:06+00:00

I know this feeling… we had our issues, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t think we could fix, but she thought differently. I hate it so much bc there isn’t anything I can do. Not a damn thing.

WartimeDad · 2024-05-17T03:47:41+00:00

Yeah women can’t and won’t appreciate a man who changes. Yes, you believe in change. She can change and you can change. It’s obvious. It’s what is required for a marriage to work. But my friend, she has done what all our ex wives did. She has categorized you permanently into whatever category- be it abusive or otherwise. It’s usually abusive. Hint for your recovery: she was the abusive one. Not you. And I mean that deeply. Don’t hold her on a pedestal with this “she deserves so much crap.”

You cannot and should not be with someone who categorizes you falsely and permanently as her means to justify abandoning the marriage.

She will play the victim. She is and will shit talk you to make herself seem better. She is and will rewrite your history and entire relationship to make you an awful manipulating abuser from the very beginning. How is that her deserving better than you? She won’t find it! How do I know that? Because you were working your ass off to change for her. That’s remarkable and a show of love and commitment- she won’t see it again.

Nothing about any of that makes her a person that you want to be married to. She’s made her bed and now she will sleep in it. Good riddance. Much better women await in time!

Quit beating yourself up. There is good in you, and much worse in others. And finally- mourn the loss of what could have been. You’re losing a future that you had dreamed about. That future is dead and it’s sad and worthy of mourning. But absolutely do NOT confuse that future with the actual future. Because zero versions of the future were ever going to be what’s in your head. It was going to be her, abusing you emotionally and gaslighting you, being resentful. It was going to be you doing backflips to make her happy, when you cannot even make another person happy because happiness comes from within. Etc etc etc. fuck that.

Your actual future is going to be better than the future you had in your dreams. Focus on that as best you can.

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-05-17T02:32:04+00:00

It is too late with this one. Do better next time.

berzerker5000 · 2024-05-17T02:29:42+00:00

Your situation sounds a ton like mine in the beginning. I went through the redpill process. She has manipulated you into thinking this is all your fault. That’s the first thing you’ll learn. Couples go through shit together. Individually we go through shit cycles and need the others grace and forgiveness during that time. The vow was “through thick and thin.” She broke her vow. She broke up the family. So she is the piece of shit. And she ain’t coming back.

You did your best. You honored the vow. You are enough. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Google:

Lightswitch Theory women

Grey Rock Method

No More Mr Nice Guy

During this time focus mercilessly on self development. Like harder than you ever have. This is a grief, forgiveness, and reinventing process for yourself. Pamper yourself, be kind to yourself, enjoy yourself in anyway you can yet continue to work hard and grind. I am 9 months on the other side and it’s been the hardest, yet most liberating time of my adult life. We have all been there, keep coming to this sub for support. It’s honestly a big part of what helped me in the lowest, saddest hours.

Oh and get a bad ass lawyer that fucks.

ROCTB17 · 2024-05-16T23:00:09+00:00

You have to hang on friend and let this happen. It will be unbearable pain at times but with each day that passes you’ll come close and closer to the other side. My advice to you is to suffer quietly as any other way is only going to make it worse. Go for runs or bike rides, anything that gets things flowing in your body and your mind. I have been where you are. You can and you will survive this.

Equivalent_Rabbit_62 · 2024-05-16T22:46:16+00:00

You must near be near the beginning of this. Right now you’re thinking everything was your fault. I can assure you that is not the case. I’m sure, just like in my marriage, you did your fair share of stupid shit . But the failure of a marriage is never the fault of one person. Do not let the blame for the destruction of the marriage be laid solely at your feet. She had a part in it too. The further I get away from my stbx the more I realize just how much she gaslight me for years and years about how everything was my fault. I tried to work on things and we went to counseling, but she never thought she had anything to fix on her side. She went to counseling herself, but knowing what I know now, I’m sure she just complained about me the whole time or try to get help with her own mental illness…… although that’s really hard to see because her mental illness was the way she perceived everything. Go easy on yourself man. My divorce isn’t final yet and we’ll be separated a year at the end of June. I don’t want anything to do with a relationship with her anymore, but it’s still difficult not to grieve the destruction of the family.

MoveFinancial1991 · 2024-05-16T22:27:58+00:00

I remember a post on here about a guy that the ex admitted after the fact she purposefully did all she could to piss him off in order to set him off. Said it was like 2 years of that. After the china shop was nice and wrecked she hit him with the "ahh shucks, youve left me know choice but to divorce 😥" Is that the case in yours? Idk.

I do know that people have their own agenda regardless of what you do and don't do. Women are masters at getting the guy to take all the blame. That's usually not true. It can be ofc. We are a men's support sub, but we also try to be pragmatic about all of this.

And I 2nd (and 3rd and 4th) what other guys have said. Women know years in advance they're gonna divorce. Don't sweat the last 6 months.

KillerUndies · 2024-05-16T22:25:38+00:00

You sound exactly like me, brotha.

I was emotionally and verbally abusive for so long and didn't know it. Sometimes we fought physically as well. By the time she showed me we had a problem, it was already too late.

If you've changed like I did just know you changed for yourself and not her. Be happy with who you are and know it was just your turn and you're returning her and don't look back.

It fucking hurts. Emotional pain is far far worse than any physical pain, in my opinion. The sooner you grey rock her and just focus on yourself (and kids, if any) the better you'll be.

You'll be fine some days and some others it's going to fucking hurt. Just know it's probably the same for her at times even if she may not show it. One day it'll come out.

Be patient with yourself. If you have to cry, do it. If you have to write, do it. But the sooner you accept it the better you will be.

Feel free to message me. I'm going through it right now as we speak.

Kaladin805 · 2024-05-16T22:15:40+00:00

I’m literally going through the same thing, day 21 since we agreed to divorce. I’m in so much pain also, so I don’t have advice. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

CrazySanta7 · 2024-05-16T22:04:58+00:00

Men need to understand that once a woman brings up divorce or separation, it is OVER. They have been planning this for months or years. They have grieved the end of the marriage, and most have moved on emotionally/physically with another man (or have plans to). They don't divorce to sit around the house, knitting blankets, and going to bed at 8 pm. Male attention is currency to most women.

The man finds out about separation / divorce and go into 'fix it' mode. We are good at hammering on one single item until fixed. It's not going to work this time around. Begging, apologizing, pleading, making 'changes', suggesting marriage counseling, and looking up 'how to save my marriage' is a complete waste of time. It takes 2 to marry and 1 to divorce.

You are right. There is nothing you can do. It's a business transaction now. Don't get emotional with her and get the divorce done. Figure out your part of the marriage breakdown and work on those things. Not for her. For you. Don't get married again. If you like the 30% success rate of a 2nd marriage, at least get a prenup. Get back to being independent and being 'happy' being alone before the next relationship. Heal. It can take years. Good luck.

bluephotoshop · 2024-05-16T21:13:55+00:00

Looks too late to get back together. DON’T fall on your sword at this point. Stay on speaking terms. Treat the divorce as a business agreement. Work on an equitable arrangement based on state laws.

Title	There's nothing I can do.
Author	Savvysportstrategies
Upvotes	15
Comments	87
Date	May 16, 2024 8:58 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ctnprr/theres_nothing_i_can_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/theres-nothing-i-can-do.1518687 https://theredarchive.com/post/1518687

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