Why did I decide to write this guide?

I talk to analytical men daily who come to me with their dating problems.

Oftentimes our conversation would go like this..

Guy with dating problems: I talk to girls but I am not able to get any dates, women usually say that they either have a boyfriend or they are not interested. Even when I get an Instagram or Whatsapp, they don’t respond or block me

Me: Hmm, okay, so tell me how the conversation usually goes with them

Guy with dating problems: Yeah, so I usually go up to them and tell them they look beautiful, then ask them where they are from / what they do, and then ask for their contact details… That type of stuff..

Me: Okay and at which point do you flirt with them?

Guy with dating problems: (looking at me confused) what do you mean flirt? I mean, I tell them they look beautiful, sometimes I compliment their eyes..

Me: Okay, so your way of flirting is just giving general compliments here and there?

Guy with dating problems: Yeah, I guess…isn’t that flirting?

Similar conversations would repeat again and again until I started realizing that there is little knowledge out there about flirting.

But why is flirting important in the first place?

The iceberg will tell us why...

Iceberg

You’re probably aware of the analogy of the iceberg - the visible part of the iceberg is a fraction of the total part of the iceberg.

In dating communication the same applies.

Most men think of talking to a girl mostly as an exchange of information.

Where are you from?

What do you do for work?

Where are you going?

This is what gets most men so frustrated - after talking to a girl for a while they think that enough information has been exchanged by both parties that a next step (i.e. a date) is logical.

But exchange of information is not the goal of communication in dating. This is not a job interview.

Instead, the goal it's an exchange of emotions.

When a person experiences positive emotions, their brains release neurotransmitters such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, which are associated with feelings of pleasure and happiness.

So by providing positive emotions to a girl you are making her happy - literally. If you do so, she will most likely want to keep talking to you / seeing you.

These are typical emotions girls experience when they talk to most guys - boredom, aloofness, monotony.

If you can only provide girls with these types of emotions - no wonder they reject you.

Instead, you want the girl to feel excitement, curiosity, engagement.

And what’s the best way to give these emotions to the girl?

Flirting.

But what is flirting? 

Let’s list some characteristics..

Flirting - characteristics

So what’s the difference between talking and flirting?

Talking means exchanging information or ideas in a casual or friendly manner (what most men do)

Flirting, on the other hand, is a playful and often subtle form of communication with romantic or sexual undertones.

Some important characteristics here.

It’s playful. 

Why do people play games? Because it’s fun. Because it provides emotion.

Millions of people went crazy when Argentina won the World Cup, but it’s literally just some men kicking around a rubber ball.

Treat this is a game where the purpose is to amplify positive emotions and fun for both you and the girl.

You can also see it as a dance - why do men and women dance? To enjoy each other’s company, to get to know each other physically before escalating, to make it fun.

This might require some mindset shifts for some of you who “hate dating and just want to get a girlfriend”. That’s not how it works.

Same thing with people who want to make money and have a business but hate the process of building a business.

You need to play the game. Learn to like it.

Focus on inputs and outputs will come.

Paradoxically, when you enjoy the process and the game itself, getting the end result (i.e. girlfriend) is much easier than before and it happens naturally.

It’s subtle

Would it be fun to play cards if you could see your friends cards and vice versa?

No, it would be really boring.

But that’s what you’re doing when you pepper a girl with compliments - “you’re so pretty, I love your eyes, wow omg I’m in love with you”

You basically show her all your cards and she can predict your every move.

BORING.

Subtlety adds an element of mystery and intrigue to the interaction (remember that one of the emotions you want her to have is curiosity - this is how you do it).

Subtlety also allows you to convey romantic interest without coming on too strong or making her feel uncomfortable.

It’s shows romantic / sexual intent

Sometimes guys come on too strong, so we need to make it more subtle (previous point).

However sometimes guys show no romantic/sexual interest at all - and that’s even worse.

If you only talk about weather, jobs, movies etc without showing interest in her as a woman (as in that you find her physically attractive) - it won’t go anywhere.

So flirting ensures you show intent.

It’s often illogical

You have probably heard of Twilight.

It’s a fiction love story book that has sold 160 billion copies worldwide.

And did you notice something I just said? 

It’s fiction. Completely made up.

Still women all over the world loved reading that stuff because it stimulated their imagination and spiked their emotions.

So many flirting techniques are talking about fictional stuff which is a bit difficult for many analytical, logical men to understand.

What’s the point if it’s not real?

Emotions make it real.

It’s push-pull

Push pull is a practice of mixing signals in a flirtatious context—showing positive interest (pull) and then withdrawing or giving a less positive signal (push).

Why does good flirting contain push pull?

Again, if you only give her compliments without any teasing - it becomes repetitive and boring.

This back-and-forth dynamic can build attraction by making the other person feel both desired and challenged.

Too much pull and you have no tension (giving too many compliments in a row and making it boring)

To much push and the thing breaks (only pushing her away by only teasing so that she becomes offended)

Most guys struggle with the “push” part more than with the “pull”, and the best way to push her away slightly is by playful teasing.

It’s intelligent

Finally, good flirting signals high emotional and social intelligence.

Any guy can come up to a girl and say - “I'm the smartest, most intelligent guy you’ve met”

But very few guys can provide a high level of banter and flirtatious conversation to women.

So by doing this you are implicitly telling here - “Hey, I am a guy with high degree of social intelligence and social skills”

And that’s very attractive

Next

In Part 2 we will cover specific techniques of flirting.

Any questions - let me know.