Questions about couples therapy

Camping_Dad_RC · 2025-02-21T00:14:14+00:00

Quick post history search seems to indicate she is a serial cheater, highly manipulative, accepts no accountability, and plays the victim. Is that accurate?

If so, that is the absolute worst person to enter couples therapy with. You would be better off lighting your money on fire. Do NOT go to therapy with this woman. She is abusive.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-02-20T22:19:09+00:00

Since the vast amount of modern women refuse to be held accountable, it rarely works. You have to have a really solid woman for it to even be plausible.

Pro-IDGAF · 2025-02-19T02:09:53+00:00

made things worse, both times but she was broken anyway

PhysicsHenchman · 2025-02-19T01:35:25+00:00

I had experience with 3 therapists. The first was religious bent and I got the “you did all the wrong” men bad schtick. I would run from these, in spite of whatever intentions they have, they are usually misguided.

The other two were Gottman certified counselors. I think it would have been amazing if the other side was actually willing to do the work. Both times we got to the point where work was actually required: Introspection, accountability, and truth made her run.

I would only look for Gottman certified therapists. They have serious research backing what they do. Also, it’s only worthwhile if BOTH are willing to put the effort in. Otherwise it’s a sunk ship. Dont listen to those “even if your wife has checked out” snake oil salesmen. Also, do you really want it?

Finally, a word if you have kids. Your children are much better off with at least one happy, healthy parent. Do not martyr yourself for the relationship. It does more damage than good. Your children will be chasing the same dynamic you have with your wife…. And I regret that everyday.

Edit- words and grammar for clarity

thraxx171 · 2025-02-19T00:01:03+00:00

Based on my experience, it depends where you are in the relationship. Counselling is only a bandaid on a gunshot wound. You need to do more if you want it to work. Counselling isn't magic, and it takes multiple sessions and a lot of time. An hour a week isn't going to cut it. If there's another person involved, prepare and get your ducks in line for divorce.

Remember divorce also involves a lot of time and effort, so if the relationship is salvageable then go for it. There was love there once, if you both think you can find it then great. Usually and you can see from the posts, when it's at this stage, just run... Get your own therapist to help you manage yourself during the divorce.

Stay strong and wishing you the best of luck in whatever you choose 🙏 💪

Jenova66 · 2025-02-18T23:36:54+00:00

Only if you both want to put in the work. My experience was that it became all about talking about my issues and nothing on her side could be raised for discussion.

samk002001 · 2025-02-18T22:13:53+00:00

She’s already tapping out the marriage, and she’s doing it just to said she has done everything to keep the marriage! Go with the flow and prepare for the divorce! I just wanna let you know that there’s no person in this world can or will change her mind, even herself! She’s ready to leave you. Sorry mate

MonarchistExtreme · 2025-02-18T20:42:22+00:00

It's your marriage, it's worth a shot just be on guard to make sure it doesn't turn into a 1 v 2 tag team event.

We did a single session and it was actually kinda refreshing. Having a 3rd party point out to my wife "that isn't want he said tho" over and over when she was reacting to what she thought I meant vs what I actually said.

The ex wife wanted to go thru our greatest hits album of of past arguments and relitigate them in front of a therapist and I was so over it. I just said at one point "highlight everything your pissed about and I will reply all 'you were right'". The therapist said but that doesn't help if it's not how you feel. I countered "i don't have the need to be right though....doesn't change anything for me. If she needs to be right about things that happened years ago then go ahead and be right".

I know that sounds extreme but when I was still having to field arguments about things that DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN but she swore they did when we were dating 10+ years into the marriage, I was over it.

I learned my lesson about proving her wrong. She once said I DVed her when what actually happened was I grabbed her arms to stop her from hitting me. That morphed into "I shoved her". I didn't want to be known even falsely as a domestic abuser so I stood up for myself. For my troubles she then invented a sexual assault that happened when we were dating but she couldn't tell me any specifics about it. She gaslit me so hard on that one I was starting to have doubts like "was i really dunk or high and forgot about it when I sobered up?". It was pretty clear after a bit of prodding that it was invented as a way to cut me deep. I let her calm down, we got on great for a few months even though I was still steamed that she made that story up. One night when I thought we were in a good place I was like "okay now that things are solid will you please tell me more about that SA story or admit that you said it to hurt me?". BIG MISTAKE...then it turned into I did it twice ROFL

Hopefully you can't relate to any of that but if you do....it won't get any better. People who view any conflict as an existential threat are impossible to find common ground with. It's just a nonstop surrender.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-02-18T20:26:44+00:00

Therapists are neutral. They don't think men or women are bad. They do not judge. Their job is to facilitate communication between you and your spouse, that's it. It isn't to keep you together or split you up.

It will definitely help with your communication skills with your partner. Even if you end up splitting if you have kids those skills will be key. Even if you don't have kids (in which case why the fuck you got married is beyond me) it will still give you some self reflection skills so you don't go into your next relationship the same person.

CrazySanta7 · 2025-02-18T20:02:39+00:00

WOMBAT - Waste Of Money Brains And Time.

Most couples go too late. One person has one foot out the door, and the other wants to 'save the marriage' (usually the man). Marriage counseling usually turns into how to divorce amicably.

EvalCrux · 2025-02-18T19:11:33+00:00

From my experience: IT'S A TRAP

Was just a sounding board for her to air her grievances and build her story. Check the divorce prep checklist.

Zealousideal_Try_864 · 2025-02-18T18:53:17+00:00

Give it a shot.

But know that most couples go in there hoping that the therapist will take "their side" and want the other person to change.

Usually by the time it gets to this point, it's too late anyway.

You want someone who hasn't met either of you try to change who one or both of you are to make it work.

notconvinced780 · 2025-02-18T18:09:21+00:00

Spouse picked couples therapist. It was someone who she was seeing for individual therapy as well. For first several sessions, things seemed to me to be unfairly tilted towards her favor. Even during this initial period, it was useful and helpful for me. I kept at it without care for “fairness” as I just wanted a path to improvement. One of several elements I liked about it was the therapist provided “safe place” for airing grievances and frustrations without repercussions outside of the sessions. There were a couple times I relied on that “safe place” structure to address things that absolutely would have gone nuclear if addressed outside the sessions. Sometimes my then spouse would break the rule and seethe with anger at me for the entire time between sessions because of things addressed in the session. Even though I had to deal with that, at least I got to get stuff on the docket that couldn’t have been otherwise. The rule also gave cover to not responding to post session hostility about anything covered in session, because the hostility was “against the safe space” rules. By like the 6th session, the therapist snaps her notebook shut mid-rant from my then spouse and just stairs at her slack-jawed and says to her “ do you hear yourself? Do you recognize that since we started this process OP has acted in good faith to working on what we have covered off on here and you haven’t ? I wasn’t even-handed when we started this couples therapy process because you needed a foundation of support where you felt heard to move forward constructively. But you keep changing your objectives. You get frustrated when OP tries to dig in to what the real underlying causes of your frustration and hostility are. Listen to what we talked about in earlier sessions. Listen to what OP has done to address those things. Listen to the new things you say are frustrating you and how the previous efforts made by OP aren’t good enough but you aren’t communicating what is or would be. When we review the exercises I give you guys to work on, OP shares what he has done, and you respond by saying yeah but I think it’s fake and you don’t do the exercises at all.” Within another 4 sessions of that one, my then spouse discontinued the couples therapy. Be honest about what you want, what work you are willing to do, what reasonable expectations you have of your partner. Even though the couples therapy didn’t save our relationship, It was helpful to me in that I felt better about both the efforts that I made and getting third party feedback on my partner’s lack of effort. I think it’s useful whether it gets the relationship back on track or not.

No_Pace2396 · 2025-02-18T18:04:17+00:00

If it’s too late it’s too late.

If the therapist picks a side, judges one of you, applies their value system on yours, tries to bring one of you around to their way of thinking, it’ll get bad fast. STBX will feel validated or betrayed.

If the therapist thinks she can fix your problems instead of finding your common ground she’s not that good and too dumb to realize it.

Most of the therapists I saw made these mistakes, the one that tried to bring us together was one of the Gottman therapists, but it was too late. A discernment counselor actually did better than them all, but something she did with my ex (probably pointing out that she couldn’t be dictator chief of our family, relationship, and lives) triggered her. Irony is that it’s already filed for divorce at that point but saw a path to reconciliation.

Anything is better than family court or your ex getting marriage counseling from the hens.

Get started off on and good foot and ask them what their success rate is.

Tasty_Dinner6530 · 2025-02-18T17:26:38+00:00

We went to marriage counselling and it went down hill from there for me atleast. However, things I wish I did before we went

Align on the goal before hand on what the expected outcome is for you both. If it to work on the marriage or is it at the stage when one just needs to prove the other person wrong and get out of the relationship
Understand that both ppl would need to work - if one partner is saying they are perfect and you work on issues first. This atleast for me didn’t work as all my efforts went unappreciated and only got criticized for what I am not doing.
I guess it will get ugly before it gets better - I didn’t get to the better part but my ex wanted me to just be a renewed version in 3 months. So do set expectations that work would need to be done both ways and if there is resistance on that concept - well you will conclude the lack of motivation on the relationship

rationalvet · 2025-02-18T17:24:31+00:00

Mine brought me in to just validate her feelings. And make me feel terrible for past transgressions. Which was pretty apparent after a couple of sessions. She apparently had nothing to work on. When her feelings weren’t validated immediately she got meaner. I really liked our therapist and it was giving me a neutral perspective on my feelings and was helping me. But I was the only one working on “us” by that time. Your mileage may vary, but most likely not.

leaving4me · 2025-02-18T17:05:02+00:00

First things first...unless both of you are bought in there will likely be nothing positive to come of it other than to say you tried. Secondly if you both are bought in and transparent and you get the vibe that the sessions are very one sided it means one of 2 things. 1. You need to fire the therapist immediately or 2. You need to further admit to yourself the type of person you have been.

BlueHarvest17 · 2025-02-18T16:17:53+00:00

Caveat: We did couples therapy for 6+ months, agreed to stay in the marriage and work on it, then my wife changed her mind and ended the marriage anyway. It's unclear if she was seeing someone on the side or not.

That said, I think therapy can work if both people are committed to trying. I realize in hindsight that my wife wasn't trying, and our therapist wasn't experienced enough or strong enough to call her out on it. I say this because when I described my experience to others who'd been in couples therapy, they all said, "Wow, our couples therapist wouldn't have stood for that."

I would also recommend the book Us: Getting Passed You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. I think it offers a pretty good take on marriages and problems.

Again, this is coming from a guy where couples therapy didn't work, so keep that in mind. But I think it would have worked if my wife actually wanted to try to fix things. I also think a better therapist would have been a huge help. I stuck with tis one because my wife liked her, but she probably liked her because she was a pushover.

upvotersfortruth · 2025-02-18T16:09:40+00:00

Generally, I say give it a shot. Keep an open mind to some possibility of a healthy reconciliation but manage your expectations. At the very least you will gather information, which may prove useful in the future. I don’t think it makes things worse, at least not from her side. If you’re the bad guy in her mind, therapy won’t change that. It’s nearly impossible to cure or rectify years of resentment. So it may be pointless from the stated goals of the therapy. Primarily listen. Divine what she really wants and buy yourself time to prepare if it’s inevitable. If it becomes an interrogation, you can end it. As soon as you walk in, ask the therapist to set ground rules and goals.

Title	Questions about couples therapy
Author	Feisty-Ad-566
Upvotes	3
Comments	34
Date	February 18, 2025 3:59 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1isfzfe/questions_about_couples_therapy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/questions-about-couples-therapy.1544252 https://theredarchive.com/post/1544252

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