Progressive trans women tend to ignore the fact that cis women also influence cis men to not want to date trans women. Because certain trans women don't want to start beef with cis women.

bondepart · 2026-05-24T15:45:55+00:00

As a trans woman: both things are true. Men don’t want to be mocked by other men OR have cis women refuse to date them by openly dating trans women.

Thing is, you’re trying to blame women here, but the reality is these men are still choosing to keep the trans women they are sleeping with a secret. It’s still their choice to engage in shitty behaviour, regardless of whether there is societal pressure for them to do so.

OffTheRedSand · 2026-05-24T16:22:08+00:00

both genders can be homophobic/transphobic

but males also care about what other males think, and if a dude is into trans women but hides it or is ashamed of it it's not just because of women judging him, it's also of fear of his mates calling him gay.

and this isn't exclusive to trans women, plenty of fat women also suffer from men they date being ashamed of their male friends seeing them with the big girl.

males crave validation from their peers just as much as women.

Secret_Entry1840 · 2026-05-24T15:42:46+00:00

If a cis man doesn’t date trans women that he himself would like to date because some random other cis woman might have a lesser view of him then he’s a bitch. Luckily I don’t think that’s the case in most instances. There’s probably a few cis men who are attracted to trans women but don’t know how to navigate questions or concerns within that dynamic.

I think the majority of hetero cis men just want to date cis women. They aren’t physically or mentally attracted to trans women.

Yes society shapes who and how we date. People who date outside of any social norm have to have thicker skin.

procrast1natrix · 2026-05-24T16:02:44+00:00

I agree with your final paragraph, that men who are attracted to women who are trans should stop caring what other people think.

I think the rest of it is not nearly as universal or stark as you describe, nor caused by qualities inherent to our species.

'Tis true that in the US, approximately 45% of voting age people either are registered Republican or independents who typically vote GOP, and among that group of people I'd believe it.

As much as the self-segregation can be very sad, a loss of rich culture for the places people flee, this would be a case in which it makes sense to move to a progressive community.

I happen to live in a city that is notable for being very queer and trans friendly. As in, there are two primary care clinics that specialize in transgender health. Adults that felt afraid or alone where they were born move here to feel safe and cared for. So we have a higher rate of people who are trans than the common population. Every week I'll run across someone who is trans, ringing up my groceries, handling my library book, organizing the music for the memorial Day parade in town. And those are the ones with clear skeletal tells, I'm completely certain there are others who I cannot clock.

I've worked with three colleagues during their transition, so I knew them a few years in one gender and then more years as the other. One was in her early sixties, one in his early thirties, one in his late thirties, and another who I really think was starting to transition but not out at work yet before I left that job. He was still using male pronouns at work but very groomed, longer hair, subtle nude tone nail polish and once accidentally sent me an email from a different Gmail with a feminized first name. Each person at their own pace.

I'm just trying to illustrate that there are communities where it's common. (Among the high schoolers, the rate seems much lower, more like national averages, FWIW, the increased concentration is definitely among the people who have agency to move here).

With all these people just existing in the community, the ones that are dating are going to run across people who previously had dated other people who were different. And that's ok.

If you're a man who is sometimes into women who are trans, move someplace progressive.

....

I will say, that the one woman who is trans friend of mine who is close enough that we talk about this kind of dating stuff, she still likes dick but no longer feels safe dating cis men. In recent years things have become more volatile (she transitioned, gosh, in her early twenties, twenty years ago). There's a time after a cis man ejaculates, that post nut clarity moment, when all of a sudden the things that seemed really sexy to him aren't in control of his mind anymore, and that can be a really dangerous situation for a woman, particularly a woman who is trans. Same thing can be true for a gay guy trying to get with a man exploring whether he is bi. Sometimes, once a man who has mixed up feelings of attraction and bigotry orgasms, they can become violent as they repudiate what they've done.

So my friend only dates other women these days.

love_in_october · 2026-05-24T17:44:27+00:00

It's much more simple than that.

Most straight men don't want to date trans women even if nobody was stopping them. (They don't tend to change their behaviour to reflect who women want them to date for any other reason.) They may see them as men, or they may see certain features as less attractive that trans women are more likely to have than cis women.

DietPepsiSupremacist · 2026-05-24T15:42:05+00:00

overthinking x10000.

So men dont wanna date trans women because they know women wont be attracted to them anymore is the just of what you're saying here or?

Dude 99% of "cis" people just don't wanna dates trans idk what to tell you. Stop trying to blame everyone for this.

Societal pressure can be very strong sure, but I would bet it's less than like 100 men in the west who have avoided trans women for the reason you're stating.

Ridiculous, really.

KayRay1994 · 2026-05-24T15:59:07+00:00

No… it is talked about all the time and a huge amount of trans women will speak up if we feel we are discriminated on for being trans.

It is true that some cis (particularly straight if we are being honest) women try to dissuade men from dating trans women, but also straight men and their feared perception of being gay (even if that’s wrong) arguably plays a bigger role if not bigger, and that kind of social perception is primarily held by other men - and yes, it is true that both genders enforce dating gender norms, and it is true that women do influence men’s dating views and vice versa, but I’d remiss to not mention the role men policing each does does as well.

With that being said, I’m not sure where your perception on trans women actively maintaining this whole phenomena cause we’re scared to speak out to cis women comes from. Like the video you referenced is from an obscure Reddit account, and even if the video itself went viral once upon a time, I can guarantee you many trans women already called it out as bs. We tend to be very opinionated, especially online…. No matter what the opinion is lol

So idk, like there are def trans women who do hold this view - we do tend to be individuals with a varied sense of opinions and personalities, at the end of the day- but also many trans women simply don’t function that way and every trans woman fully letting herself be walked all over in some spaces, there is another ready to call that shit out. Like we are absolutely aware of how we’re perceived in some cis spaces, though whether we choose to let it slide or call it out as wrong depends on the individual and their comfort level with conduct and tbh their self respect as well

At30wecrashout · 2026-05-24T15:31:25+00:00

Maybe I’m old school but I like women who weren’t born with dicks.

NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2026-05-24T15:43:05+00:00

JFC You wrote an entire essay trying to turn men choosing conformity into women’s fault somehow. If a man won’t date who he wants because he’s scared of losing status or validation, that’s still male insecurity and cowardice, not women controlling his life. Take accountability for your choices.

LongShanksFTW · 2026-05-25T04:20:35+00:00

Nah, it’s got nothing to do with it. Most men simply aren’t interested in dating trans people.

Competitive_Swan_130 · 2026-05-24T15:44:50+00:00

The point still stands, though, that it's a choice determined by other people's reaction to it. Honestly, I find men not living their truth to be whats unattractive. Most women know that straight men can be attracted to trans women and accept that as a factual but not normative judgemnt.

Even the cis women who really dislike trans women and call any man attracted to them gay know deep down that they aren't. I have never met a gay man who is attracted to trans women, because trans women look like what they SPECIFICALLY aren't into. The women who are the type to judge like that are usually insecure and throwing it out there because they see EVERYTHING as a competition over men, and they don't want to have to compete against trans women. It's dumb because this isn't a damn game show where we compete over a scarce resource. I've ended friendships with women because of transphobic comments and shit like you described, and when they try to defend their view, it always comes out as insecurity

krayon_kylie · 2026-05-24T15:39:54+00:00

you guys go on about this all the time, but women are competitive with other women. when you pass enough as a trans woman, other women see you as a threat. that's all.

also, women are typically not in to bisexual men, but again, when you pass enough as a trans woman, women don't see it that way any more either.

they will however, be extra jealous or hurt if a man chooses me over her, and it's common for cis women who get bitter towards me to turn v transphobic. but it's as i said above, and it's not that deep.

and yes, men are afraid of ridicule from their peers. i know this because of how frequently men act completely differently towards me when we are alone.

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-mixedsignals · 2026-05-24T15:43:58+00:00

Society at large is transphobic, yes. That's why we have lgbtq+ movement, that's why it's important to give more visibility to trans people.

Trans women obviously talk about men because that's who they date. The also talk about society (men and women) being transphobic.

you can't blame this all on women when it's a society issue. Men make fun of other men who are into trans women all the time, there's popular men-to-men insults.

The solution here isn't that cis men or cis women must change their behavior when it comes to trans attracted men. The solution is that trans attracted men should not give a fuck about what either gender thinks, and just date trans women.

It's both. That's what the lgbtq+ movement is all about

Again, blaming it only on cis women is weird. Society is to blame.

NiaMiaBia · 2026-05-24T16:01:12+00:00

“The solution is that trans attracted men should not give a fuck about what either gender thinks, and just date trans women.”

———> I could not agree more! I’ll never understand how this is difficult. As a bi-sexual woman, IDGAF what people think 🤷🏽‍♀️ and I’m a black/mixed woman. Trans attracted men should also do whatever they want.

———> Also, cis men are the biggest threat to transwomen (fatal violence) so it makes sense to focus on their transphobia which can lead to real life harm.

RelativeCondition915 · 2026-05-24T18:00:23+00:00

Yes, it's the cis women's fault that you won't date trans women. Definitely not cisgender society as a whole, but specifically the hypothetical cis women who might disapprove.

krayon_kylie · 2026-05-24T15:43:17+00:00

to add, the only trans women who are unaware of or act ignorant about the hatred we can receive from cis women, are terminally online ones who do not live lives outside of the internet and don't have to face it.

Dieselbuilt · 2026-05-27T18:24:12+00:00

Anywhere online is brutal for guys in so far as trans women are concerned. I find it hard to communicate because every post is an echo chamber for anti men sentiments. Even after having a trans girlfriend and several transgender friends I'm constantly put down and labeled a chaser. I had lost nearly all my friends when I started dating a trans woman and simply did not care. I had been a strong advocate for Trans women in the past, but have toned it down a bit just to avoid negativity from the very same women I show support for. I can't speak for the thoughts of cis women, but was married to one that didn't acknowledge trans women one way or the other. But you're right, guys shy away from trans women to avoid being ostracized by peers. This is because they don't really know their own sexuailty and aren't comfortable making an unpopular decision. I'm honestly hoping all people just chill out and accept trans women as normal. There would be a much better climate for all of us.

Feeling_Ad_1034 · 2026-05-24T15:35:31+00:00

Let me guess.. she has an OF

WomenRocktheWOrld · 2026-05-25T12:38:31+00:00

Most men won't date transwomen because the majority of men are straight. You can't change millions of years of evolution by redefining what being straight means.

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