Requesting Advice: Wife texting other man, right on the line of ok

Archwinger · 2017-01-31T13:15:13+00:00

When a guy and a girl grab a meal together, get to know each other better, and see how much they enjoy spending time together, that's what most people would call a "date".

When the guy and girl keep seeing each other, send texts in between their dates, and the texts are emotional/flirty in nature, that means they're "dating".

The third date is coming. Your wife is going to have some after work networking function she innocently tells you about.

mabden · 2017-01-31T13:40:15+00:00

"We're just friends"

Read "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

from MMSL,

Option A) Co-worker leaves her existence or Option B) You leave her existence.

Maximum effect on the confrontation: print out all the texts, have the pic of the co-worker on top, and the divorce papers on the bottom. Start with questions about the co-worker and reveal texts as you go.

If your wife, starts to Gaslight, DARVO, and/or Hamsters you, get up with "Ok, I have my answer." Hand her the divorce papers and leave the room.

Then it is "The Healing Heart - the 180" time.

abdada · 2017-01-31T12:42:39+00:00

Newly adult son needs to see a man in action and a happy dad.

If you aren't a man of action and you're not happy with yourself, your marriage only compounds what he sees and reflects in his relationships.

"Adore" is often hamster speak for love/list/am attracted to. Danger zone word, there.

Scurvemuch · 2017-01-31T14:52:01+00:00

Either you tolerate shit behavior or you do not. Either you informed her of your boundaries or you didnt. Shit after 20+ years she should maybe know.

Or you can keep plugging along and fuck other people. I bet if you were fucking other women you wouldnt care...

stonepimpletilists · 2017-01-31T14:12:43+00:00

What happened at year 21? I guarantee you didn't come here because you were happy and having sex all the time. Couple other points.

Why in the fuck do you have to hedge everything that you think makes you less of a man?:

I was never too beta
I normally never bother checking

Then how you missed getting approval from others instead of being your own judge,

she will feel fully justified, certainly
will look pretty bad in the social world,

not that I care much about that

Keep telling yourself that.

There are other troubles in the marriage, so divorce would not come completely unexpected, but she would almost certainly be quite surprised to find this to be the final straw

Of course, it doesn't matter, because you don't care, right? And I'm calling it, you're burying the lead, guaranteed. Is she pregnant? Was your whole MAP because she isn't 'feeling' something? Are you sprinkling a little alpha on your life?

I think the marriage could be made to work and eventually be pretty good

Oh? the first 23 years were the groundwork? Like trump said, she had 30 years to make a difference.. Also, the relationship is her job, and she's doing well. your job is to be a high value man, hows that part going, since you seemed to gloss over it completely. Of course, it's a coincidence that this all comes about the instant you become empty nesters...

I'm going to take a few guesses, since you've offered nothing, but womaneese. A clever choice of words to make you into the hapless hero, and her into the evil villan (but not too evil, she's a good person right? Not your place to judge)

you're the betabux, and you fill your head with ego protection
Shes making up for missing out I can't find it, but there's a nice timeline from rollo, I'll bet she's right on schedule
you're getting insecure, and I'll bet if you had to go get a plate, it would take you 6 months, minimum.

Let me know if any of this is close to the mark. Of course, it would be easier if you didn't bullshit us like you bullshit yourself

bangedacoworker · 2017-01-31T23:57:14+00:00

I've been married for 17 years, and this situation is familiar, except I was the guy going to lunch with my co-worker. Started out very innocent and professional as she approached me and I thought nothing of it. Early lunches were normal with discussion about work and the weather, but then it changed to us opening up about our personal lives and challenges.

The attraction grew and a couple months later we were in the car at the park during "lunch" to make out like teenagers. Another month after that we were planning a couple nights away together during a "work conference." Needless to say we were balls deep physically after that.

Funny thing is she told her husband, and he replied to her something along the lines of "lunch is fine, but don't fuck him." Well, she fucked me anyway. This was 3 years ago, I've since changed jobs, and this opportunity has presented itself again with another woman. AWALT.

TL/DR: If a married woman co-worker goes to lunch alone with a guy co-worker then she is primed to cheat.

MagmaiKH · 2017-02-01T01:09:36+00:00

Nah man. You just use brutal honesty that leave no wiggle room and put the destruction of the marriage on her not you. She can't have the marriage implode because of what she did; it has to be because of what you did.

Something like:
I know you are having an emotional affair and I know that means we have problems we need to work on but first I need you to decide if you want to stay married or not. Take some time to think about it and let me know.

If she wants to talk, shut it down. There's nothing to talk about until you decide if our marriage is worth saving or not. You need to be prepared in case she crumples immediately with your terms. I date only you not other women. I expect you to only date me and to me any 1-on-1 meeting grabbing drinks, lunch, and what-have-you are dates. I love you and if another women asked me out to lunch I would politely decline not start texting her.
You hold the martial moral high-ground over her the entire time then. You will know you did it right when she switches into a mode where she wants to engage and please you.
You want to make sure to avoid saying anything that she go on the defensive about. Don't use any hyperbole about how often she text or flirts etc...

In the meantime you need to find a woman to go out with.
If your wife doesn't cut the shit out then next Friday night you go out without her.
If you don't have a date then you lie and just go out and drink alone at the bar.
You keep upping the ante until you either get to divorced or you finally push her out of her comfort zone.

Eventually you file for divorce but if you bring that out of the gate she'll justify what she is doing by you threatening divorce. "What a jerk." Before you divorce you bang someone else. There's a lot of steps before divorce presuming you wish to stay married.

88Will88 · 2017-02-01T04:26:45+00:00

Read this:

http://womensinfidelity.com

Your wife is having an emotional affair, she cannot and will not stop. Start to take care of yourself and try to get out. Time to start hanging out with other men. Start hiding money if you can. Sorry for your loss. No need to reveal your plans to her. Do not demand she stops, just focus on you. There is nothing you can do to save this marriage. You need to work on falling out of love with this person urgently.

TheFilthyPapist · 2017-01-31T15:21:16+00:00

Your wife wants excitement and tingles and she's not getting them from you. Is a divorce going to fix that?

I get it. You're butthurt because your woman is dictating the terms of the relationship and those terms are her dating another man with a veil of deniability. Well, two can tap that little dance. Go find a cute chick in marketing to grab lunch with...you're just mentoring her career right? Grab a coffee with the hottie from the gym...just discussing form and HIIT v. strength training. No harm there.

Plug the holes in your boat, be the kind of man that has options and then come back here to get advice on how best to exercise them. Get to work

maxofreddit · 2017-01-31T21:38:33+00:00

Advice...

While it takes a little behind the back type planning, it may set you up for a real life test, on your terms.

Find out when & where their next "meeting" is.

Plan A - This works if this is a regular place that you would go for takeout type lunch. Call in a to go order for said place. Go pick it up when she is there with guy. "Happen" to see them. Be polite, introduce yourself, make fast small talk, and then be on your way (you're busy after all). She now knows that you know. And the other guy knows that you know. her hamster will go apeshit, and if she brings it up, you can completely ignore and reestablish SMV

Plan B - If the lunch place isn't someplace that you'd just pop into, then to have lunch at the same place with a male colleague. When you see them, invite them to sit with you. Not in a crazy way, but in the of course we're going to sit together kind of way. If you're just making normal small talk, it will make both of them crazy uncomfortable, but you're just doing normal you.

This is what I would do. Is it a bit of drama? Fuck yeah. But I love to have that weird uncomfortable shit right out in the open, and you're letting the other guy know that you may be around at any point, unannounced.

For both scenarios, never bring the lunch up. Her hamster will go nuts because she'll want to talk the shit out of it.

just my dramatic $.02

IGiveFantasticAdvice · 2017-01-31T22:30:07+00:00

There is a ground in between inaction and going nuclear. Why can't you be strong, hold frame and tell her that this work interaction is inappropriate without handing her divorce papers?

You can get rid of a bug on your wall by setting your house on fire, or, you know, you could just roll up a newspaper.

The_Litz · 2017-01-31T14:13:55+00:00

Some time ago someone asked the relationshits sub a simple question. It was posed to the ladies:

What is worse, your SO having an emotional affair, or a physical affair (sex).

Results were mixed. Both are equally wrong was the winner, and emotional affair came out on top over physical.

So if the ladies rate an emotional affair as equal or worse than a physical affair, then they by my basic logic an emotional affair is not so 'innocent' as she will claim.

But now I want to apply logic to a woman's feelz....

You will have to set a boundary without being insecure about it. And if your boundary is broken you will have to have the balls to enforce it.

H_to_Tha_OV · 2017-01-31T23:19:51+00:00

Someone else here brought up you burying the lede here...and you completely did. I'm sorry about your son...I couldn't even imagine what that must be like...

But did you ever think for a second that THAT is the driving force behind everything? IMHO losing a loved one can make people so emotionally needy that they do shit they would NEVER do otherwise (addictions, cheating, etc.). She might have still been grieving while you were insecurely worrying about your SMV. As a result, she feels abandoned and other guy shows up to fill that need. Not saying it's right but THAT's how it happens.

dadstartingover_com · 2017-02-01T17:38:05+00:00

Ah, the ol' "Do I put my foot down? What if I look butthurt and needy? Wouldn't a real man just divorce immediately?" scenario.

Here's my take.

She inched right up to that inappropriate line and quickly crossed over it. The time of being amused and cocky about the situation have passed. "Oh, you are having lunch with Bob? Sweet. Have him over for dinner next week! I could use some more guy friends. Does he like football?" Now you are in "cover your ass" and ultimatum territory.

A married woman does not text other men. Period. Maybe if they were both working on a project and were covering logistics "Where did you put the Pensky file? We need for tomorrow's 8:00 meeting." Beyond that, there is ZERO reason. If she had any sense of boundaries and common sense, she would know that and squash it. Smart and sensible people know where the inappropriate line is and don't cross it. They know they are human and one thing leads to another and off they go. They stop it before it starts.

Your wife crossed the line and is now in the deep end of the "in love" swimming pool. She thinks about him all the time. She wants him. Sexually. She wants him emotionally. He just needs to make one little inappropriate move and you are left living alone in a small apartment paying alimony saying "What the hell just happened??!"

Squash it. Now. You have invested a great deal of time, emotion and money into this relationship and now is the time to say "This is not good. Cut it out or we are done. I mean it. I'm not fucking around." If she balks ONE LITTLE BIT, you are done.

notmyusualreddit · 2017-02-01T11:03:05+00:00

I'm 32 and never married, but I've dated more than most so I've seen the beginning of relationships more than most men do.

My heart sank a bit as I read your post. It's more likely already happened than not happened in my opinion. These things happen extremely quickly and easily once there's been 2 dates, especially with positive messages in between so nothing has to start back up.

Goodluck op.

Neutral_User_Name · 2017-01-31T14:01:51+00:00

Those are not business meetings, they are full-blown dates. She's probably fucking him already, or planning to (she most likely knows better than to leave hard evidence).

I would just get the papers ready, no need to play games or negociate, and kick her ass to the curb once you have sufficient evidence.

literaryhunter · 2017-01-31T14:48:18+00:00

I think I would try dating my wife again since that sounds like what she's after. Set a lunch date and pick her up from work. Be attractive, get noticed by the hot hostess at the restaurant. Her looks will soon fade while yours should be on the upswing. You hold all the cards so you might as well play it up.

gettingmymojoback · 2017-01-31T13:10:40+00:00

I think you're handling it well so far. For the time being I would continue monitoring until you have enough evidence to either prove clear line crossing, or to prove there's nothing to be concerned about.

You're right that confronting the situation will just lead to her denial and doubling up her efforts to cover any tracks.

Once you have more information the right answer moving forward will be a lot clearer. You have every right to be concerned with the use of those types of phrases IMHO.

In addition to her texts I'd also be checking her social media if she has any as well, especially if she has Snapchat. Look and see if she's added him to her contacts and has been communicating with him on those platforms as well.

Don't drive yourself crazy, get more information before you do anything drastic. After a few weeks you may have enough evidence to present her with papers and clear proof, or enough to prove that it's harmless and your lines haven't been crossed.

Until MRP/TRP I would have never thought of these male friends as nothing but potential orbiter's who were no threat unless I gave her reason. Identify wether this guy is an orbiter or snake in the grass before acting.

Above all, think rationally at all times and avoid the instinct to react emotionally.

trp_dude · 2017-01-31T22:18:29+00:00

I would go to survivinginfidelity.com and take their advice. They have more experience with this.

This is a bit on the borderline. She's not hiding her phone or locking it yet. She's heading into an EA though. You have two choices - lay down the law, at the risk of looking insecure, or making exit plans.

redmountainpill · 2017-01-31T14:26:11+00:00

Why are you pouring so much emotional capital into this lady? You're so insecure that if you go nuclear she'll probably thank you. Why aren't you making yourself into a man who can score girls 20 years younger? Or, better yet, a man who is so busy having a fun, interesting life, that he doesn't worry about trivial shit?

BobbyPeru · 2017-01-31T19:21:02+00:00

Draw a line in the sand, and follow through if it is crossed.

Plain and simple

Westernhagen · 2017-01-31T21:21:44+00:00

Per your history, she started working out "too much" a year ago. Did anything else about her change a year ago (e.g., her sexual behavior towards you, how she dresses, her daily habits) that might indicate her relationship with this guy went physical a year ago?

23 year marriage. So she's what, late 40s or early 50s? And your kid is 18? If your MAP is going as well as you say, nexting her should be relatively easy and painless for you and let you trade up. Right?

FireTempered · 2017-01-31T23:55:36+00:00

Is there any significance to you the she sent him a picture of herself AND your son?

pewpsprinkler · 2017-02-01T11:33:42+00:00

I would never let my girlfriend behave that way. You don't sound like a crazy jealous insecure person. Her behavior is absolutely inappropriate, and yes, it is emotional cheating and will inevitably lead to fucking.

It sounds like she is bored and looking for something new. Well, if that's the case, then she needs to choose between an open relationship or knock her shit off.

I agree with u/[deleted]. I disagree with u/mabden. I think "building a case" is weak beta male shit. You don't need to prove anything. You don't need to convince her to agree that your feelings are valid, or choke down her lies when she bullshits you. You should confront her, but keep in mind that all that matters here is that you don't like how she is acting, you won't tolerate it, and if this new guy is important enough to her that she is willing to risk divorce, then that already proves that she has cheated and betrayed the relationship.

There are underlying issues in your marriage. She strayed for a reason. Figure out what it is and do the work to correct it if you care that much. You let things get this bad, though, so it is a bit of a hole to dig out of and it might not be possible at this point.

p.s. if you threaten divorce and you are bluffing, and she calls it, your marriage is over. period. you're just a cuck at that point. If she doesn't take you seriously enough to ghost him, then you need to separate from her. Whether that separation turns into a divorce is 100% on how she responds to it, but you shouldn't hold your breath, and you should IMMEDIATELY start fucking other women (but don't admit this if you get back together).

SexistFlyingPig · 2017-02-01T15:45:01+00:00

You've spoken against Mate Guarding, but it sounds like your mind isn't convinced and your heart doesn't believe it.

Look at the 12 levels of Dread. Right now, your wife is 100% confident that you won't cheat on her or leave her. You have to change this. You don't change this with ultimatums. Ultimatums just put her on the defensive to justify her behavior. It directs her hamster to run and run and run and come up with all the reasons for why her behavior isn't cheating. You change this by being a guy who has lots of options, by being the guy who all the girls want to get with.

You say you've been MRP for 2 years. What does that mean? How has your behavior and physical appearance changed in the past 2 years?

Aechzen · 2017-02-02T01:17:01+00:00

I really would hate to burden our newly-adult son with divorced parents.

Everything else you wrote was pretty good. Your son deserves to see his dad go for what he wants in life, including being divorced and happy versus being married and alone.

Demivenus · 2017-02-12T21:28:19+00:00

Oh, dear. I am so sorry about your son, but you are going to be single soon and it will be due to your utter lack of insight into yourself. Good luck.

chief_slap_ahoe · 2017-01-31T15:17:22+00:00

So they go on dates and they love spending time together. You can step up and say something or you can stand by and watch the dates progress.

holzy444 · 2017-01-31T16:24:58+00:00

You don't have to threaten divorce, but let her know that you will not stand for this. Ultimately if she wants to see him she will, and she will go about hiding it better, but you must make your feelings known.

novasoline · 2017-01-31T21:50:36+00:00

Your fine. count it as a red flag. DONT bring it up to her or threaten with divorce. Step up your game by taking her out to dinner, plan for trips, etc, keeping in shape, keeping sex frequent and interesting. Your wife shouldnt be hiking with another guy??? If you know the things she likes, plan it together with her.

If you can arrange to stop by her work during her lunch, stop by and "suprise" her with her favorite lunch. See how she reacts, if its anything but happy and grateful, then thats red flag #2.

Observe for changes in her behavior over the next month and if doesnt change, quietly start talking to a divorce lawyer so you can better protect your ass/ets. Then once youve covered your bases hit her with the divorce papers. No second chances, no lets do marriage counseling.

Soberskipper · 2017-02-01T15:09:02+00:00

I think after such a traumatic event within your family and you reacting like you did...(which I'm not dissing you for because if I lost my son I can't say I'd deal with it like red pill rambo) she simply lost all attraction for you in the chemical sense. With all the hormones firing about in her system after losing a son and then seeing her oak is actually not as stoic as she needs at that time, she dried up subconsciously for you...thats the brutal truth I'm my opinion. It's fucked up that if they see you at your weakest your pretty much never going to regain your status within their lizard brain as alpha. The only way I believe this can be achieved is if you totally re invent yourself...even scrap old hobbies etc that will remind her of the old you.

trpbritguy · 2017-01-31T12:28:34+00:00

Nope... My wife gets to communicate with other men that aren't physically in my presence for work and that's it.. Anything else go nuclear, something like:

"I don't want to be married to a flirt!"

Decide the next step based on what happens!

papayafloss · 2017-02-01T07:33:24+00:00

While I am quite new to the redpill theories, I quickly internalized one thing from here. My wife has cheated on me or is cheating on me right now or will cheat on me in the future. I internalized how disgusting that move will be on her part. I am high value or I am going to be high value in 6 months, 1 year whatever. Once I internalized this, my outward behavior changed quite a lot, suddenly I became her sweetheart. I bedded her 7 times in 24 hrs. I am quite confident my wife is cheating on her boyfriend(s) with me right now. Just this mindset changes the outward behavior, which however retarded it may sound, is attractive to humans let alone women...Dont know how long I can hold on to this mindset, but I will keep pushing it...

papayafloss · 2017-02-01T07:33:24+00:00

While I am quite new to the redpill theories, I quickly internalized one thing from here. My wife has cheated on me or is cheating on me right now or will cheat on me in the future. I internalized how disgusting that move will be on her part. I am high value or I am going to be high value in 6 months, 1 year whatever. Once I internalized this, my outward behavior changed quite a lot, suddenly I became her sweetheart. I bedded her 7 times in 24 hrs. I am quite confident my wife is cheating on her boyfriend(s) with me right now. Just this mindset changes the outward behavior, which however retarded it may sound, is attractive to humans let alone women...Dont know how long I can hold on to this mindset, but I will keep pushing it...

ex_addict_bro · 2017-02-01T00:46:01+00:00

I believe nothing physical has happened

"emotional affair my ass" -- u/ex_addict_bro@MRP

RP specifically advises against Mate Guarding, which I agree with

... even when I am Mate Guarding (TM)...

I am requesting advice.

You don't.

This 2 sentences clearly show, that even if you are aware of a RP advice, you are not willing to follow.

r/cuckold is this way.

weakandsensitive · 2017-01-31T22:52:19+00:00

but never really too beta previously

mhm. i'm sure.

Title	Requesting Advice: Wife texting other man, right on the line of ok
Author	whatfor9900
Upvotes	60
Comments	126
Date	January 31, 2017 12:04 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/5r7s4u/requesting_advice_wife_texting_other_man_right_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/requesting-advice-wife-texting-other-man-right-on.199116 https://theredarchive.com/post/199116

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