Q4W of PPD: How long would you date a man before requiring marriage?

p3n3lop3 · 2019-03-21T17:34:51+00:00

I'm not implying I would ever get married so quickly... but if we've been seeing each other for six months and he hasn't even mentioned our future in passing or as a hypothetical or called me wife as a joke or whatever, I'd be sus.

I probably wouldn't expect marriage until 2-3 years in tho, but I think 6 months is enough to know if he considers you marriage material or if you're just a placeholder gf.

Marriage is non negotiable. I'm not being a forever girlfriend or a baby mama. If you love me, you're gonna sign the damn papers. I'll take a prenup, but have it written so that if he cheats or hits me I get half because I don't believe in divorce so I wouldn't divorce rape him anyways.

Electra_Cute · 2019-03-21T17:25:31+00:00

I do not think it would be possible to give an amount of time. I want a future with a family, children etc. If at no point the person I am dating shows any indication of a future with them then I would probably break up with them.

321PK · 2019-03-21T17:36:55+00:00

I grew up believing that I would never be married. Although I am an extrovert, there aren't too many people that I can spend a lot of time with without wanting to kill them, so I assumed, reasonably, that it would be very difficult or impossible for me to find a man who would make me think that living with him was better than being alone.

Then I found Mr. Abrams when I was 22, started dating him a year later, married three years after that. He was the one who brought up marriage first, he was the one who pushed for it, I was happy enough to go along. Since then, he has told me that part of the reason that he wanted marriage was that he wanted to lock me down and create a higher barrier for my departure.

I've been with him nearly my whole adult life and I've been married for most of that, so I don't have much visibility into how important marriage is to me for its own sake, or what I'd tolerate without it. Probably not too much. I've done stuff for Mr. Abrams that I would never under any circumstances do for anybody who wasn't my husband.

Chief among these is having children. I would never, ever, ever bear children out of wedlock.

AngelFire_3_14156 · 2019-03-21T17:32:26+00:00

I broke up with one guy I really liked because he hinted more than once he was adverse to marriage or any kind of a permanent relationship. I dated my ex for 3 years before we married. I dated my husband for almost 16 months before we married.

I guess it depends a lot on the personalities involved, their ages, maturity, commonalities, etc. If you could put all that in a formula, then there are probably a lot of people that shouldn't be together.

Littleknownfacts · 2019-03-21T17:49:40+00:00

4 and a half years apparently.

Texastentialism · 2019-03-21T17:29:47+00:00

I got married after dating my husband for six years and living with him for five, so... I guess that long. Lol.

BUT we talked about marriage from very early on in our relationship, and when we moved in together (a year after we started dating), we talked in-depth about our timeline. He said he didn't want to get married until he was 28. Don't ask me why, but that was his hard and fast rule, and he set it before he even started dating me. I said okay, knowing it was a risk to put it off that long but trusting that he really did intend to marry me. Sure enough, we got engaged at 28 and married that same year.

(Looking back, I kind of think this was some sort of compliance test on his part. Maybe putting it off that long was his way of making sure I wanted to marry HIM, not that I just wanted to get married, if that makes sense.)

In every relationship I've been in, the topic of marriage and kids came up early. If I didn't think a relationship at least had a chance of going that direction, I wouldn't stay in it. Probably the year mark would be my cutoff for talking about it and making sure we were both on the same page in that regard, but in reality it always came up way before that.

[deleted] · 2019-03-21T17:50:27+00:00

2 years. Im 21 and not looking to date anyone atm tho Will probs be ready at 22

DebatePony · 2019-03-21T17:23:03+00:00

My husband and I dated for almost 9 years before getting married. But we also tied the knot at 23. I would not have dated him much longer if he didn't seem like he wanted to get married to me.

Orange_Paisley · 2019-03-21T18:31:24+00:00

It was more important when I was younger. I started pestering my ex-fiancé for marriage after about 3 years. He proposed at 5 years. We never did get married and we broke up in our 9th year.

My current partner and I decided early on that we would keep it casual, refrain from living together, and never get married. After about 4 years we started living together and now at 6 years, we are talking marriage. Both the cohabitation and the potential marriage were his suggestions, not mine.

Freethetreees · 2019-03-21T18:32:01+00:00

The longest I’d wait for a proposal at my age is five or so years. But I’d want to know his feelings regarding long term commitment and matrimony sooner rather than later. At the first sign of being anti marriage (aka risk averse and possibly misogynistic) he gets nexted. No tolerance for time wasters, I value myself too much to be a forever girlfriend.

ayeayefitlike · 2019-03-21T22:06:44+00:00

Marriage isn’t negotiable to me, personally. It has to be on the horizon. However, I’m also not fixed on when, it’s about when is right for you both.

My boyfriend and I have been together over 3 years, and I can easily see us going another 3 before we get married. I won’t buy a house or have a child with or any other major step without being married, but equally we are both prioritising our careers over those things right now, so it doesn’t really matter as now isn’t the time.

I would feel differently if the relationship wasn’t moving forward because he didn’t want to get married, rather than anything else. That’s when I would draw a line, because ultimately it’s what I want. But none of this expecting an engagement in two years (although we’re well past that now tbh!).

yasee · 2019-03-21T17:27:52+00:00

Marriage was never a goal of mine (but I'm married now lol). I was the averse one

philomexa · 2019-03-21T18:16:03+00:00

Marriage was never really on my radar. My childhood perception of adulthood was an amalgamation of Ally McBeal and Melrose Place. I figured I'd date, but probably be contentedly single with cats and lots of international travel.

But then I met my husband at 19 and we eloped a month after we started dating.

I never really conceptualized a timeline from dating to marriage, it was a thing that happened to other people. However I've always known that I'd never have a child out of wedlock, nor would I badger a man to marry.

boomcheese44 · 2019-03-21T18:28:40+00:00

A year tops.

whichbladeN · 2019-03-21T18:29:32+00:00

6 years and counting.

I'm thinking probably 10 years is a good cut off. But even still, it really just depends on my lifestyle. If I'm in a position to buy a house and have kids, I would want marriage then.

[deleted] · 2019-03-21T18:42:09+00:00

I'd reasonably expect a conversation about the future / marriage within the first year of dating (probably like 6 months even). My now husband and I definitely brought up the topic more casually like 3-5 months into seeing each other. Hearing that he was serious about us (even in a lighthearted manner) and wanted that future of me and him made me even crazier for him.

[deleted] · 2019-03-21T18:58:29+00:00

I used to think being a "forever girlfriend" was ok or even desirable. I mean, you get to stay his girlfriend. Forever! But in reality, a man that doesn't want to marry you often (not always) has doubts about your long term value to him. Women who worry about being a forever girlfriend are not just worried about their status being low because of it. They aren't just worried about what the society might say. They aren't wrong to worry about this. "Forever girlfriend" is too generous of a word for the situation they are in. It's more like " a 1 to 10 years girlfriend".

Having said that, marriage is not at all important to me. Marriage itself does not matter, what it means matters. Being a permagirlfriend does make you look bad in the FSM, but it doesn't matter to me. There are so many other ways of gaining status. But what I can't ignore is the increasing feeling that the guy doesn't see a future with me.

beautysleepsodom · 2019-03-21T21:18:36+00:00

I have no desire to get married.

doctor_trucks · 2019-03-21T17:27:05+00:00

Infinity, I guess? I have no interest in marriage. Would need a pretty ironclad prenup before I'd even consider it.

poppy_blu · 2019-03-22T01:10:52+00:00

In my 20s, 3 years

In my 30s, 2 years

Now, doesn’t matter, would never get married again.

Of my 5 serious LTRs, all except 1 (college bf) wanted marriage before I did (if I wanted it at all).

shoup88 · 2019-03-22T01:41:01+00:00

We dated for 11 years before we got married. We were already common law at that point as we’d lived together for like 5-6 years. Marriage was never a necessity for me. He wanted to get married before we ha kids.

In our case even though it was a long time together, I’m not sure I would have wanted to get married earlier than that. 29 was a good age, I think.

coratoad · 2019-03-22T03:49:56+00:00

I don't care much about marriage as long as there is lifelong commitment.

Hoarder-of-Knowledge · 2019-03-22T01:17:32+00:00

I don't require marriage. I like a sense of permanency, but marriage doesn't provide that at all. to me it just shows that I don't trust anyone to stay if I have to make them sign papers to make it very difficult to abandon me. i am currently in a relationship for about 3 years. it gives me great pleasure to know that he could walk out the door any moment, yet chooses to stay, rather than wondering if he might have left already if i hadn't barred the door already with a marriage contract.

azngirl7689 · 2019-03-22T12:55:52+00:00

2-3 years? I think that’s enough time to know.

No more living together though. That stupid lease is the reason I’m still living with my STBX (full ex when I leave this prison). In my experience, men use living together to get a forever girlfriend because the woman is at that point trapped. It’s never out of love IMO.

If this makes my pool of men smaller so be it. I’m not doing this ever again (living premaritally with a man).

PennnyLame · 2019-03-22T16:20:42+00:00

I would never seriously date a man if I didn’t know marriage was on the table. I knew my husband was into marriage very early. I knew he was interested in marriage with me by a year in and we discussed it explicitly as an eventuality before moving in together. I felt no rush about it to be honest. I’m the procrastinator and he is very much an old school “MY WORD IS MY BOND” type dude. I am sure I would have felt differently if I sensed he would have dangled the carrot and not followed through. I was confident he wouldn’t string me along and he didn’t.

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i_have_a_semicolon · 2019-03-22T00:16:13+00:00

I need to know if I'm marriage material within 6mo and after 1 year we can discuss actual practical timelines. As I get older this gap gets smaller. My fiance and I were dating for 5 years before proposal came, but we talked about marriage within the first (cutsey wootsie)

ilptrandom · 2019-03-22T04:20:14+00:00

About six months after starting to cohabit there should be a serious discussion about what the ongoing relationship is going to be and what the finances need to be long term to sustain that. Personally I don't feel I need marriage, but if there is to be no marriage I need to know because that alters how much I'm going to be investing in the household as opposed to my retirement, whether I'm willing to have my name on the lease and utilities, whether we need to have a difficult discussion about how kids can be provided for fairly and equitable without marriage, whether we need an agreed upon strategy for dealing with hard times and income disparities etc etc

hoere_des_heeren · 2019-03-22T08:32:49+00:00

Do you really summe that all or at least all female "require marriage" after some time?

I negatively require marriage: marriage is an absurd outdated legal construct that is mostly entered into out of sentimental value. All the parts of marriage that are not horrible can be achieved by simple contracts. The only reason "family law" even exists is because it predates females being allowed to sign their own contracts; the only reason it exists is because it's essentially a very fucked up "contract" dating from a time where females could not enter into a contract under their own name.

The "contractual terms" of marriage are fucked up; I will never get married because I do not sign contracts that contain such absurd terms.

On top of that like 99% of those who get married didn't even read the terms; they get married out of sentimental reasons because they like the label. This is the equivalent of investing in stocks because you like the name of the company: it's doing business for sentimental reasons: marriage is fundamentally business and to enter into business out of sentimental reasons because you just like the label is as idiotic as changing your company from an LLC to a public corporation simply because you like that label more regardless of it being against your financial interest to do so.

[deleted] · 2019-03-22T14:53:46+00:00

Disclaimer: i'm 30 years old and meh on kids.

I think when I was younger, my view was 2-3 years and we should either be married or engaged. I think it doesn't take that long to know if you want to marry someone when you spend every day with them. But in hindsight, I'm GLAD i didn't marry ANY of my bfs in my 20s. I was so anxious and unstable I really wanted to just rush the dating process because it stressed me out. I know for a fact I would have divorced every person I seriously considered in my 20s.

My final year of my 20s, I was single for almost a year. I did a lot of what I wanted to do in life. Got fit. figured out my work priorities. It was really necessary for me. Now I'm dating someone I would have been AFRAID to date when I was younger but I'm really enjoying our relationship so far. and because I feel i'm finally in an adult headspace, I am happy to think about marraige without the pressure of it. So honestly, I could date him for 5-6 years and not really be stressed about it. I'm in no rush cuz I feel good about the person.

All that being said, I think I wouldn't mind waiting years if I was confident in the relationship. I think if I'm not as confident in the relationship, I'd want to condense the dating period and force them to prove themselves or I'd be out.

Title	Q4W of PPD: How long would you date a man before requiring marriage?
Author	MellifluousMaple
Upvotes	11
Comments	91
Date	March 21, 2019 5:16 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/b3t6y1/q4w_of_ppd_how_long_would_you_date_a_man_before/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-of-ppd-how-long-would-you-date-a-man-before.256664 https://theredarchive.com/post/256664

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