How do I deal with the resentment?

CreightonWAbrams · 2018-12-26T22:27:44+00:00

nobody really appreciates all the effort I've put into myself for them.

You don't say. Why are you doing this for other people? Your whole life is one big covert contract and you're mad that other people aren't holding up their imaginary end of the imaginary bargain.

red__aaron · 2018-12-26T22:26:55+00:00

Remember, no one owes you a relationship, and so it’s not really anyone’s “fault” you don’t have one. No one can control their feelings, and I imagine you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you— if your ex fell out of love with you, it’s for the best that y’all broke up.

I know loneliness really sucks, so I’d focus on forming close platonic friendships,

GradualDecomp · 2018-12-26T23:34:06+00:00

find humor in the situation
don't catastrophize
avoid attaching yourself to any specific outcome
put yourself in the other person's shoes. Think of times you have been unwilling or unable to give people what they want from you

SpaceWhiskey · 2018-12-26T22:46:34+00:00

but I just can't let go of the feeling that I'm owed something. That, with her specifically, she needs to, like, repent or something before I could ever look at her again.

Do you understand that this isn't a healthy way to think about her? If you're able to tackle unpacking that feeling and working on yourself emotionally, it will have a much bigger impact on your life than simply exercising. Exercising is important of course, but if that's the only work you're putting into yourself, if you're not taking care of yourself mentally as well, it doesn't matter how good you look, quality women will not want you for a partner.

gblyeti · 2018-12-27T00:51:37+00:00

Never met a decent man who didn't have his heart broken by "that girl" when he was young. Congratulations. You've gone through a step to manhood.

Find something else in your life to care about besides women. If everything you do in life is only to get women then your happiness is in strangers hands. Do something you want to do for you. If that phrase "for you" does not mean anything to you then you need to step back and understand yourself until you know what you are. You sound like you got a hole in yourself and you think a women will/should fill it. It does not work that way. You got to fill that empty space inside you with something better than that. No woman will fill it the way you expect, especially not today.

Find what you're supposed to do and do that. Its sure as fuck is not running 20 miles a week to make a woman "love" you.

killallthenarcs · 2018-12-27T04:33:05+00:00

All these girls turning me down builds a lot of anger and bitterness in me.

Tough shit. No, really, this is just how it has to work mathematically. Most women have strong monogamous tendencies and this means you're going to get turned down a whole lot no matter how attractive you are. Most of the time you are not going to be The One, and most of the time most women have someone or have their eye on someone they are sending indicators of interest to who they think is or might be The One.

I was dumped back in May by the girl I was in love with and I hate her for it

She did you a favor. If the relationship wasn't working for her it was not going to work for you either, the choice is just how long you're going to invest in something that is going to break painfully, how long you're going to let the pain you have to feel increase. Be grateful she had the guts to do this.

I hate her for it but at the same time I want her back so bad

You want her back but only if you can be on top and in control and have her under the thumb so hard she can barely breathe. That's a real shit deal for her, she's not going to take it, she's especially not going to take it from a guy she's already decided is not The One. And if she took the deal it wouldn't b the old relationship, it would be a relationship in which she was gradually dying inside. Only an idiot would take that deal. Don't be a guy that only an idiot could love.

I've put in a lot of work on myself.

That's great. I mean you must really be enjoying the improvement in yourself. It has already paid off by making you more physically comfortable and adept, you've had a payday from it whether or not you get a girl.

I know I'm not entitled to anything, but I just can't stop feeling like all this effort has been for nothing,

Yeah whatever, I'll tell you a secret... in fifty to seventy years you'll probably be dead and have lost everything anyway. All your work, forgotten. All her work forgotten. We all lose it all.

nobody really appreciates all the effort I've put into myself for them

Why don't you appreciate your work for yourself? I mean surely you must occasionally be walking up stairs and remind yourself how much easier it is when you're fit, or be shopping for clothes and feel happy that you're able to shop from regular sizes not the limited plus sizes range? Or appreciate that you can choose any sort of trouser style cos you're fit, you don't need to hide stuff. If you don't appreciate yourself enough to think it is worth it just for you why the fuck are you expecting anyone else to be able to appreciate it enough to get excited about it? I mean take a good hard think about this. If it is all elaborate fakery and no-one is buying it then obviously the fake is not good enough yet... that's your problem not theirs. If on the other hand the fitness and improvement is real, it is really you... then you need to like yourself as much as you expect anyone else to like you, if you don't have faith in your product can't blame anyone else for lack of faith in it.

To sum up... you need to stop obsessing resentfully about how you haven't had your payday from the self improvement, you've already had a payday by being a better person 24/7 in your own company, and you're waiting on maybe a second payday. You need to be grateful that your ex had the sense to see it wasn't working for her and not lead you to the altar then divorce you. If you miss the old relationship you need to have a good hard think about why it wasn't working out for your ex, and do so in a way that is sympathetic to her and her feelings, so you don't just repeat the past with a new girl.

WiseMonkeyGoodMonkey · 2018-12-26T23:10:02+00:00

but I just can't let go of the feeling that I'm owed something.

There is not a single human being anywhere or anywhen that's owed a damn thing. If you were doing nice things for her with the expectation of reciprocity that's a problem.

Forget the ex. Put in the time and effort on yourself because you think you are worth it. Someone who appreciates who you are and who you are trying to be will come along. Or they won't and you'll have to do something else with your time. Honestly man. Let it go. Pick up (and I'm not being flippant here) meditation. It can help.

MajIssuesCaptObvious · 2018-12-27T00:01:48+00:00

If you let that anger overcome you, you'll wreck any progress you've made and any future to have a love life with anyone and with yourself. Stop expecting people to like you, and work on your own happiness. Right now you're giving the key to your happiness to other people.

TechnicalCriticism · 2018-12-27T00:39:30+00:00

You sound thirsty.

But every girl I talk to ultimately just isn't what I want, or "are only looking for friends"

You mean online right? Do you have any kind of a social life?

've put in a lot of work on myself. I run twenty miles a week now, and I've been doing that since July. But I've been running seriously for two years, now

How does this mean that women should like you? What kind of job do you do?

reluctantly_red · 2018-12-27T02:19:59+00:00

nobody really appreciates all the effort I've put into myself for them

And they never will! Welcome to the world as it is. You put the work in for yourself -- nobody else. You do it so that you're not a loser. If you succeed in not being a loser people will notice. However, they will never ever appreciate your effort.

KeyAssumption · 2018-12-27T05:01:32+00:00

I was dumped back in May by the girl I was in love with and I hate her for it but at the same time I want her back so bad.

Why do you hate her the person you supposedly love?

but I just can't let go of the feeling that I'm owed something. That, with her specifically, she needs to, like, repent or something before I could ever look at her again.

This is why women are right when they say men are entitled. You're being entitled to her. You're angry that she doesn't fall on your lap. Your need to make her apologize/repent is the same as a child throwing a tantrum and wanting to be soothed because mother doesn't buy him his toy.

I just can't stop feeling like all this effort has been for nothing, and that nobody really appreciates all the effort I've put into myself for them. It makes me angry.

That's the entitlement. You feel entitled to a woman, especially because you think you work hard for them. The anger is toxic masculinity, you blame them for not appreciating your 'effort' instead of looking at yourself to find out if there's something wrong with you.

You're probably too far gone at this point. Nothing people say will help you because you don't think there's anything wrong with you. Just try to enjoy the lonely life.

[deleted] · 2018-12-27T05:30:19+00:00

But every girl I talk to ultimately just isn't what I want

Are these the girls that want you?

testpostignorepls · 2018-12-27T09:01:22+00:00

but I just can't let go of the feeling that I'm owed something

This is your problem. The world owes you nothing. I can say this to you but you must understand this.

The world is indifferent.

Most people are indifferent, except your parents and close friends.

One view on this is that it is extremely depressing.

Another view on this is that it is extremely liberating.

I always remind myself "you can either cry or laugh, and I choose to laugh".

Life will always have its bad moments, but remember your cringy years as a teen or in middle school, we can laugh about that now.

You always have a choice: you can either cry or laugh, I choose to laugh.

3vilg0d · 2018-12-26T22:42:53+00:00

Beat the shit out of someone in boxing ring. Its the best way to feel awesome. Sex will feel dull against a boxing match or even MMA.

couldbemage · 2018-12-27T03:04:52+00:00

What about the girls that aren't what you're looking for?

Turning people down and then saying no one wants you doesn't make sense.

crackrocksteady7 · 2018-12-26T23:01:54+00:00

running from July to now is nothing. if you dont like your results, work harder

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Unconfidence · 2018-12-26T23:05:31+00:00

I think part of the problem you're dealing with, and this is just conjecture mind you, is that maybe you're conflating the anger that is resulting from your feelings of sadness for the feeling of sadness. For many people, it's easier to deal with anger and hate than it is sadness and loneliness. I don't know for sure that's what's happening, but I figured maybe it's something you should consider.

Unlike everyone else, I won't tell you not to pursue things for the sake of someone else. Some people work best when another person is the focus of their efforts, and that shouldn't be devalued. But before you can say you're actually doing that, you need to at the very least be able to say their name.

KikiYuyu · 2018-12-27T02:38:08+00:00

It's okay to be angry, and I think it's really great you're concerned about becoming bitter.

I think you're making your happiness depend too much on other people. The improvements you've made should benefit you first and foremost. A stranger isn't gonna care that much about the work you've done.

Drippyskippy · 2018-12-27T03:02:38+00:00

I was dumped back in May by the girl I was in love with and I hate her for it but at the same time I want her back so bad.

You clearly have oneitis. Need to get the girl that dumped you out of your head.

I have a feeling she and I will talk again, but I just can't let go of the feeling that I'm owed something

She has moved on and you haven't. Stop being a beta boy. Its over man, accept it and start going after other girls. You better not be bringing up your ex in conversations with new girls you meet.

I've put in a lot of work on myself. I run twenty miles a week now, and I've been doing that since July.

Bro, this is good and all, but do you even lift bro? Sure, you're probably in good shape, but women (don't listen to PPD women), like a man with some muscle. You don't have to look like Dwayne Johnson, but women like some nice shoulders and arms.

I know I'm not entitled to anything, but I just can't stop feeling like all this effort has been for nothing, and that nobody really appreciates all the effort I've put into myself for them. It makes me angry.

You need to change your mindset. I don't work out for women, I work out for myself. Being healthy is important to me, looking good and therefore increasing my own confidence is important to me. This is one of the areas in your life where it is good to be selfish. If you do shit for other people, you will resent doing it after you feel they aren't appreciative of it. You're much more likely to quit if you do things for other people.

TriadFamilyTimes · 2018-12-27T03:29:09+00:00

Why do you hate her?

CatchPhraze · 2018-12-27T05:50:40+00:00

When you put in the effort to be attractive you think you've already done all this work to get here. If your attracted to this other person then they too have done the work to get here. Your not owed anything for going the equal distance as that other person.

Iron-Giant169 · 2018-12-27T06:56:21+00:00

It’s called whiskey son

Pastelitomaracucho · 2018-12-27T07:28:31+00:00

Stop spending your gunpowder on vultures and ravens.

Easy: stop pursuing women. Do not put effort and avoid rejections by simply knowing when not to engage.

Wait for them to make a move, make the game as even as possible. You will need to learn how to read their body language and be ready to act upon it.

Xemnas81 · 2018-12-28T01:17:39+00:00

Have you considered you may be focussing too much on fitness and not enough on social skills? It sounds like you had the same mentality I had in school, that if I got in shape enough then I could just stand in front of a girl until she banged me.

Willow-girl · 2018-12-28T05:52:00+00:00

Find a mission, either creating something of lasting value or making the world a better place in some way. Let that be your focus ... not women.

hurupu · 2018-12-28T14:30:47+00:00

Get angry, go to the gym, punch a boxing bag, and then chill out.

It's not your fault, and it's not the women's fault either. With things like these, more often than not, it isn't anyone's fault.

I was dumped back in May by the girl I was in love with and I hate her for it but at the same time I want her back so bad.

Most men will feel that way.

I have a feeling she and I will talk again, but I just can't let go of the feeling that I'm owed something.

You could just talk and see what she wants without being standoffish. If all you want is sex you could just get that from her.

That, with her specifically, she needs to, like, repent or something before I could ever look at her again.

It's natural but also your choice. Again, let your rage out in ways that don't harm other people and then cool down.

NoGodsNoLabels · 2018-12-28T19:36:50+00:00

The fact that you haven't gotten over your ex is very telling. Coincidentally, I too was dumped back in May by a woman I had been with for 2 years and a half. I'm grateful to her for letting me go. It allowed me to become a better man.

Anyway, you might have the wrong mentality here. Don't get frustrated and don't get mad at women for not wanting you. Self improvement should never be about someone else. Don't rely on someone else for happiness, that should always come from within. You have to be your own champion, bro, your own confidante.

Also, the scarcity mindset you seem to possess is hindering your game. Relax, there are plenty of wonderful women out there so don't get mad if some of them don't want to be with you. Besides, women can smell your thirst. Trust me, they're a lot more perceptive than men.

TallSwaggOVO · 2018-12-26T23:45:37+00:00

Why not change things up a bit?

All your life you've been told to "self-improve"; now look what that has gotten you. You're starting to learn that "self-improvement" is prison, running a hamster wheel enough and thinking you're really going somewhere when you're not.

But now you've learnt the truth that this bullshit philosophy was used to control and take advantage of you all this time. It never helped you at all.

Why not embrace a bit of self-destruction. Embrace failing rather than success. If women aren't attracted to you, embrace it. Use it to your advantage. Have fun with it.

Life's too long for it to be taken seriously. Self improvement only leads to self-destruction in the end anyway. You might as well have some fun.

Let the other suckers improve themselves to death.

SAC-Lawn_Gnome · 2018-12-27T00:18:01+00:00

Recognize that AWALT is real.

despisedlove2 · 2018-12-27T02:28:55+00:00

Focus on your profession and on becoming a stronger, smarter and wealthier man.

Women don't matter for anything other than being the mother of your children. In every other way, they will bring more complication or pain into your life. They are best avoided no matter how much they throw themselves at you.

Dump the implicit programming you grew up with and start thinking with the brain upstairs.

Raikichu · 2018-12-27T04:47:37+00:00

Just start lifting really heavy shit. Its hard to feel like a failure when your T-levels rise.

TallSwaggOVO · 2018-12-28T04:17:52+00:00

Go talk to a counselor man. Get out, and enjoy the world. If anything, get off the pillsphere subreddit.

In all seriousness though, just focus on yourself and work on your social skills.

Workaholico · 2018-12-26T22:39:14+00:00

Don't let yourself be bittered by the reality of the world. You and I know that the world is cruel, and being mad at it is meaningless. All you can do is make yourself someone to win, and a place to rest for yourself.

You learn, Get up, and Get better.

That is what I did in my teens, and what you should do now. Do not be a friend, do not be cordial, do not be nice. Those are counterproductive means. Focus on obtaining looks, power, status, wealth and apha behavior and you shall find someone without much problem.

But truth be told, you will be saddened and suffer until to obtain them. The question now is if you are willing to spend your resources for obtaining a partner and sex.

Jebediah_Goodplow · 2018-12-26T22:57:48+00:00

As one self aware asshole, you need to be a self aware douchebag. Runners are assholes. I've yet to meet the runner who isn't a bit of a dickbag or cunt. Everyone does it for show, but I give you credit for at least being honest about it.

People who get up at 4 in the morning to go show out in public just to make a point to rub it everyone's faces... Most people don't usually really like this person, b/c this person is usually a cocksucker or mega bitch. You have to date your own kind, and surprise- those women are usually uppity cunts. You're going to either have to out cocksuck her cunty, or drive away from your run in something she'd like to steal from you.

blahblahthrowaway888 · 2018-12-27T00:06:27+00:00

Honestly, just become attractive and you won’t be turned down as much. Improve yourself until you get the attention you’re looking for and you’ll notice the resentment will go away.

SimulatedEnvironment · 2018-12-27T02:46:18+00:00

Stop trying. Seriously. It reeks of desperation. I’m not saying to stop working out or taking care of yourself. In fact, double-down on your health and career.

There’s nothing women want more than a fit and successful man that they can’t have.

It’s a game and the sooner you learn how to play it, the better.

wtffellification · 2018-12-27T08:55:14+00:00

you are entitled to feeling angry

aanarchist · 2018-12-27T09:19:40+00:00

Society tells me I'm toxic for being honest and authentic and direct, holding myself and others accountable. Society worships sociopathy.

Title	How do I deal with the resentment?
Author	TechnicalCriticism
Upvotes	13
Comments	117
Date	December 26, 2018 10:12 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/a9sxor/how_do_i_deal_with_the_resentment/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-do-i-deal-with-the-resentment.258352 https://theredarchive.com/post/258352

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