DONE! I am so fucking sick and tired of feeling like I do right now. Hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, less-than. I have been doing this shit since I was 18 and I'm DONE! I'm sick of bending over backwards, ignoring the red flags, accepting the bare minimum, pretending like they will change and be different with me. I'm not wasting one more goddamn year like this.

A couple weeks ago, I posted in another sub, under my previous username, about my relationship issue. Long story short, I discovered in my boyfriend's internet history on his computer that he has been going into a chatroom fucking constantly. I confronted him and he was so nonchalant about it. He even admitted to emailing another girl because he was bored. Bored! He literally didn't see anything wrong with it and I left in tears. Everyone told me that I needed to talk to him, understand why he felt like he needed to do that, etc. Except one woman, but I'll get back to that.

I have spent the last two weeks waiting for this man, wondering what I could have done differently. He has not once reached out to me. I have cried and binged until I was sick. I've gained about 10 pounds. The last 4 days, inbetween crying and binging, I've done a lot of thinking and soul-searching. Why do I do this?

  1. It's what I was taught. My mom is a pick-me and taught me that is how it is. My whole life she has been a revolving door of men who treated her like shit. She has been married 4 times, engaged 5, gone bankrupt because of them. I guess I thought that it was normal.

  2. My weight. Before I get started on this one, I don't want this to feel like an attack to any woman here that is big and happy with herself. This is just my own personal feelings about my body. Because I am obese, I've told myself that this is what I deserve. I should be happy that any man is interested in me. I should deal with it because it's what I deserve. Which brings me to point 3...

  3. My self-esteem. Because of my upbringing, my weight, and all of my past "relationships," my self-esteem is non-existent. I don't put much effort into my appearance or clothes, because I don't think there is a point. "I'm already fat and ugly so why bother putting on nice clothes or makeup," I say to myself.

NO MORE! Starting today, I'm teaching myself self-love. I will finish reading the handbook. I'm going to lose this 50 pounds I've been carrying around, for myself and no one else. I'm going to work on building my confidence up, for myself and no one else. I'm going to do things that make ME happy. I have wasted ages 18 - 28 trying to please them and be the cool girl or whatever. NO MORE!

I want to thank the FDS goddess that sent me a message and showed me the light. I deleted the other account you sent that message to before I could thank you, so I hope you see this somehow ❤ I even made this account after you messaged me with the intent on posting here, but I naively held onto the hope he would come back to me begging for forgiveness. Nope! Your girl is done living like that 💃💃 I do know myself and I know it will take time. I'm still hurting and crying as I write this, but I'll get there. I know I can can do it.

EDIT: I just wanted to first tell y'all that YES, he is most definitely blocked everywhere! I also want to thank you all so much. Thank you for all the kind words, suggestions, advice, etc. I love y'all so much ❤❤ Thanks for helping me get through today, tomorrow, and the rest of this journey ❤❤