If there’s any hesitation from your date, he’s/she’s just not that into you and you should eject immediately

-Ivar-TheBoneless · 2021-02-20T01:58:50+00:00

Run away from hesitation? That's just jumping the gun. People get nervous the first time they're with someone. If you run from that you'll never get any.

infps · 2021-02-20T00:54:31+00:00

I think you are overrating people's capacity to judge what the other person is thinking (and people's ability to correctly interpret implicit actions overall). It is also possible that not everything they do and say is about you.

As an example, I was in a relationship years ago, and a girl brought up my mid teenage years and dating. I didn't want to talk about it. She got hurt like I was being evasive or something, until after several days of asking me I told her I grew up in a very restrictive Christian environment and still had some baggage at that time and didn't like to talk about all that. I mean, it was one of those things where you were evil if you masturbated, REALLY evil and needed to run to the mercy seat of god's grace for last nights fingering in the drive through movie, that kind of thing.

Anyways, she was interpreting my interaction as not trusting her, when actually none of it had much to do with her. At that time, I just didn't like to deal with my feelings around all that..

And if any new person dated me now, I would seem distant as I work a lot these days. So, again, not being lukewarm, just not 16 and can dedicate my life to you.

All this from the other end can appear any sort of way depending on their biases.

John_Oakman · 2021-02-20T00:13:54+00:00

... and then we all wonder why no one's willing to make the effort in maintaining/keeping a LTR going in the modern world.

It's the logical result of everyone fully optimizing their personal short term happiness along with an utter lack of ability or willingness to compromise. A combination of the prisoner's dilemma and the tragedy of the commons.

Sure, go for it, but don't except lasting worthwhile LTRs to come out of it. On the upside it's never too late to shift gears to focus on LTRs based on companionship and friendship. Perhaps retirement age will be the best time to start that pursuit?

wtknight · 2021-02-20T01:33:49+00:00

I do think that some women take some convincing to like certain guys, so, if a guy is really into a certain woman, then ejecting right away might not be the best idea.

However, I mostly agree with what you're saying. If it's getting to the point where a woman is treating a guy worse than how one of that guy's male friends would treat him, then he should probably just give up and try to find someone else, or else what he's doing is just simping for her. Every woman whom I've dated successfully was really into me from the beginning.

sublimemongrel · 2021-02-20T00:39:21+00:00

You’re right but idk how this plays out with people who don’t know each other to begin with, which is the case for online dating. Which is becoming more normal. If it’s someone you actually know I totally agree. If not I’m not so sure. People do “warm up” and women’s attraction isn’t like men’s, it’s not immediate like that

Grand_Duty · 2021-02-20T00:26:14+00:00

Plested. Easier Said Than Done.

Great advice!

She either loves you or she doesn't!

Edit: One caveat are shy girls. They may need a couple tries before you get that hint that she's not into to you.

Demasii · 2021-02-20T00:26:31+00:00

What do you think about people who don't develop strong initial attraction at all?

One of my ex's were like that. A woman who is a 6 in looks compared to a 9 for him were interchangeable. As long as she was attractive, it didn't matter. Because most women were somewhat attractive to him, it always took something other than looks to capture his attention. I made him laugh. His previous ex was super sexually. His other ex was super exterverted.

oobertas · 2021-02-20T00:53:13+00:00

Someone who can see themselves loving you isn’t going to make you feel unworthy, unsupported or undesired.

If you feel those things, you’re with a manipulative user, who isn’t really into you and you should eject immediately.

She's to blame for your feelings?

You were born with, and have maintained, perfectly accurate and mature feelings?

What if her treatment of you is reflective of how you make her feel?

Is solipsism working for you?

CaptainFunkyMan · 2021-02-20T01:09:59+00:00

Really, I liked a girl for a couple years. Didn't tell her cause when I tried to ask a simple question like " where are you going to college" she snapped back like a whore. I wasn't a complete stranger to her she had gone to my school and was in one of my classes for a year. Anyways, by luck I found her dopple ganger of pornhub getting a facial and used to jerk of to it once in a while until I almost got caught. I tried to reengage in a conversation a few months later over text taking guidance from a friend's who is a girl, and she was kind at first. I brought up the embarrassing moment and she was like haha I remember that. Then she just seemed totally uninterested. So I guess trying is ok just make sure you get the memo. After she snapped back when I asked her where she applied to college , that was the end of it. I was dumb to jerk off to her for so long after that incident.

mmt_advovate · 2021-02-20T00:38:18+00:00

Looking at their phone during an awkward silence should result in an immediate rejection. So much disrespect with that maneuver.

iamthemovie1992 · 2021-02-20T13:06:37+00:00

It depends? I think of the hesitation is still there after date 2, then yeah get the fuck out of there. Date 1 is awkward sometimes, you’re getting to know each other, learn about each other, asking the same questions you two have asked other dates. Date 2 however you’re going into it having gotten to know them so it’s supposed to feel a lot more relaxed. If you feel the hesitation, or sense their hesitation still at the end of it, then you gotta check the fuck out.

oobertas · 2021-02-20T17:17:57+00:00

Could it be that some are looking to pair with someone who merely accepts them for who they are, while others are looking for someone who will challenge them to grow?

Is the moralistic binary assumed by OP too simple?

oobertas · 2021-02-20T00:26:19+00:00

Do you always fold at the first hint of resistance?

Substantial-Dealer76 · 2021-02-20T00:27:59+00:00

I disagree. Baggage is going to inevitably show up when body counts get this high.

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tnais · 2021-02-20T00:20:00+00:00

I mostly agree, but since this is CMV I'll add some nuances where I disagree:

Some women can take hours (or even days) to respond to texts. She could be doing this for all kinds of reasons-- she could be legitimately busy; she might not enjoy texting; she might not be able/willing to check her phone very often; she might be playing games and acting aloof; she might legitimately be uninterested. Who knows.

Best thing you can do is be honest, direct, and assertive yourself. This encourages the other person to reciprocate and if they're unwilling to do so, that's usually going to make me lose interest and not waste my time with them. This can be scary at first if you're not used to taking emotional risks, but it's an essential skill worth developing.

On the other hand, if you're wishy-washy, vague, and indirect, you're opening the door for other people to treat you the same way. This leads to confusion, frustration, miscommunication, drama, and time wasting.

matomasa · 2021-02-20T02:40:17+00:00

If your date hem and haws, plays games, leaves you hanging, refuses to make his or her intentions clear — reject them immediately.

Or keep an open mind and simply go with the flow. It can still end up as casual sex or a FWB situation or simply friendship. You shouldn't be too emotionally invested at this point anyway so it takes very little energy to maintain some contact and you gain almost nothing by burning bridges, especially if done tactlessly.

If you are looking strictly for a serious LTR then your advice makes more sense but I think you still shouldn't look at things so black and white. Maybe the girl is going through some personal issues and is currently not open for a relationship but if you resume contact at a later date she might be available. Sure, don't wait for her, do your thing elsewhere but no need for outright rejection.

alwaysonalongtrip · 2021-02-20T04:29:31+00:00

I agree, commitment is for people you’re committed to. Before that you are supposed to get rid of people who don’t work.

Independent-Tiger-25 · 2021-02-20T06:01:46+00:00

I’m curious do you also believe that men ask out women they’re interested in? If a guy doesn’t ask out a girl then he’s probably just not that into her?

infinitofluxo · 2021-02-20T06:15:30+00:00

This is a sensitive topic, but I believe it is mostly true. One of my girlfriends was someone that when I first met I doubted we would have chemistry, she was a bit of a turn off to me. Then we spent hours together in a long date and she got me to kiss her, I quite enjoyed it. Later at home I was having second thoughts about here because she didn't fit my criteria for a partner, but I ended up going for a few more dates, enjoyed the sex and time spent together and I ended up loving her. I could see myself dumping her at any time because of my second thoughts and honestly I wish I had, as she ended up being a burden to me and at the end wasn't loyal and dumped me after using me. Maybe it was a problem with me for staying and not a proof that people can change their mind overtime about being into someone or not, I don't know,

But usually I know from the very first moment I see the girl in the date that I'm into her. She can tell me something that will sound as a red flag and I can abort everything, but I will be sad as the interest was obvious. When I like the girl from the start, everything changes. I fear she will doubt I'm serious about her and I try not to be too physical because I have this idea that the girl I'm usually into is not that used to fucking people they barely know, they dislike online dating and they need to know me better. That is probably not true as I have dated women that I later discovered have had enough one night stands.

When I'm not into the person but she is into me I will probably be too lazy to keep going out with them unless they are offering sex, because I don't like giving the wrong impression that I'm interested unless they show me they are ok with "no strings attached".

So, I would say most of the times I will only want to date the girl that I liked since the beginning, it is probably not a good idea to think the guy can change his mind or open up slowly, it is too much of a risk to be worth taking it constantly with any "good catch" you see.

eisenkatze · 2021-02-20T08:03:08+00:00

Good point, however some caveats: social anxiety and cultural circumstances. It can genuinely hard for social retards to tell nervousness or politeness from disinterest, speaking as one.

Elevatedheart · 2021-02-20T14:00:00+00:00

I think lots of guys are in fear of women.. when I was at my best dating and had a good job.. I met a lot of men with adequacy issues.. if I made more than them or spoke to them in what I consider to be a normal dialogue, they saw it as intimidating.. I was rejected 3x for less educated and less attractive women than myself. I tried to understand where I was going wrong, because I thought something may have been wrong with me.. I worked hard at my body, I had a good work ethic, I was at a point that I was most confident than I ever had been, than I ran into jealous women and men that had low self esteem.. Finally I met someone brave enough to love me.. There’s nothing more attractive than a man that pursues a woman.. if a man is in fear of rejection, he will often be “ lukewarm “ towards approaching her because of his own lack of confidence.. If a man is trying to screw multiple women at once, that too will look “ lukewarm “ on the end of the women trying to figure out his intentions, again, a lack of self esteem is attributed to that behavior.. Anyone that gives themselves to multiple people are in lack within themselves.. There is no courtship anymore.. men don’t work hard at trying to reach a woman’s heart because of fear and modern conveniences that are on social media like dating sites.
It forces women to be more aggressive which they really don’t want to do, but out of confusion, they do anyway just because of the men’s apathetic responses.. Men also have lower testosterone than what they did 50 years ago.. it makes total sense because they are just giving up..

superlurkage · 2021-02-20T17:25:04+00:00

Sorry, like the red pill, “the chase”, indifference, and playing games totally works.

For both genders. Because people are selfish and dumb

It’s just not a guarantee or absolute, which is what people want

Nobodyz_Nikki · 2021-02-20T17:47:51+00:00

This all depends on how that person is processing or vetting. Hesitation to commit doesn't mean that they don't want it but in the dating phase people do need time to determine what they truly want from a person. It's a 50/50 for me...I do get what the OP is saying.

SaBahRub · 2021-02-20T03:26:19+00:00

This would be a reasonable take if people were reasonable and logical. They are not

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