College

Mindless_Rush5002 · 2026-04-21T06:02:34+00:00

I was in a similar situation with my daughter (about 20 years ago).

In early high school, she wanted to go into a profession which I knew was oversaturated, making for low salaries and brutal working conditions (even if practitioners could actually get a job).

I had known people in that profession and I related their career experiences to her. I successfully dissuaded her from pursuing that career path.

We did end up paying over $100K for her to attend a private college for a different profession.

Even though she enjoys her current career and is living an excellent life, she greatly despises me for discouraging her from her original career path.

So my daughter despises me, but I know I did the right thing.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2026-04-20T15:59:54+00:00

My ex wife has a degree in Musical Theater. When I met her, almost 20 years out of college, she was working as a secretary making $50k a year. She struggled to get into community theater........

Tell your daughter no.

Creepy-Champion4805 · 2026-04-20T09:22:20+00:00

Ask the daughter what she'd do if you didn't have the money? Also, if she wants to expand her horizons and experience by going out of state, why not suggest she can go even further. Paris, Vienna, Berlin, London , Milan, and across Europe, definitely all have comparably good courses, and as a foreigner there'll be more chance of getting a place in a top school and they like to increase diversity.

And the personal development from cultural immersion in Europe, language skills, perhaps an exchabge year in another european city, euro rail trips in the sunmer, will, I have no doubt, greatly increase her chances of a meaningful career in both North America and Europe. Oh, and you can save 300k....

SaaSWriters · 2026-04-19T18:59:37+00:00

The question is not whether the degree holds value.

The question is, does your daughter have the stamina and discipline to make it valuable?

Ok_Industry3016 · 2026-04-19T06:15:05+00:00

400K for drama classes WTF tell her to get a job. Insanity. I had to ride a bike two miles to work at her age to make $4 an hour.

Sylvester_Marcus · 2026-04-18T14:35:09+00:00

Isn't there some type of audition or portfolio involved in fine arts? Is she scary talented? Like winning local or regional awards? Who says she is even selected into this school? Your soon to be ex sounds like she is setting up your daughter for big disappointment. Why is it all on you? Is it part of the decree? It would almost be cheaper for you to pay her room and board in L.A. and have her go on auditions, or apply at Disney. Or in NYC to see what the universe for that kind of degree is.

aradthrowawayacct · 2026-04-18T02:41:05+00:00

What is the acceptance rate of said college? (If it's Tisch SoA, it's around 10%, if it's University of Michigan, it's around 15%)

What are the realistic chances of her actually being accepted to a top tier fine arts school? Is she exceptionally talented? Does she spend all her summers at arts intensives - Interlochen Arts camp, Tanglewood, etc - that will increase her chances of getting accepted over others?

Even at lesser schools, she will still have to audition for a spot in her major. Even if she's accepted to the university, she may not be admitted to the performance major she wants and will have to choose some other field of study to stay.

You could table the discussion until application and audition time to see if the issue resolves itself. If she doesn't get accepted, it's moot.

In the meantime, spend time talking to her about career choices and if she's not already working at community theater in your area, have her get involved so she can see for herself what the actors do for an actual living outside of community theater.

Dwro1234 · 2026-04-18T02:24:38+00:00

Why do you have to pay for the whole thing? Shared responsibility. Make the ex take over half, that'll change her tune

Grafixx5 · 2026-04-18T02:20:14+00:00

TBH, no real good way to put this… you’d be crazy to pay that much for a BA degree. The ROI is stupid and she won’t even make that much in like 5 years!

Most states only require financial support until 18, maybe 19. I’d cut them off at that point or if I contributed, it would be for what I could afford and what I said was ok.

Sounds like mom is living HER dream through your daughter so let your exwife pay for it.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2026-04-18T01:56:33+00:00

I want a Ferrari. I don’t have a Ferrari. Want to know why I don’t have a Ferrari. Because I can’t afford a Ferrari.

Just because a kid wants a thing, doesn’t mean she gets a thing.

I’ve paid for college for 3 kids. I told them, you can go to any college you want and I’ll pay for it, as long as it’s an instate public university.

Your money. Your boundaries.

Please read “Boundaries” by Dr Henry Cloud.

Plastic_Canary_6637 · 2026-04-18T01:48:33+00:00

Take out the arts part of it, would you pay 400k for any undergrad degree? Unless it’s a top tier ivy I would seriously balk at that number. She’s 16 which means she’s going to be an adult soon. That means her decisions have consequences. Pick a number for college and tell her “look, this is what I’m comfortable with, the rest is up to you”. Don’t tie it to her major but walk her through the finances of it and her job prospects. Ultimately let it be her call and if she wants to go into debt to live her dream then she gets handle the consequences.

It would be cruel to give her that money and deny her the ability to understand the ramifications of her decision. That’s how growing up happens, you make big choices, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t but you always learn

SeaworthinessOwn9328 · 2026-04-18T01:48:17+00:00

Wait, why is this so much? I live in Vancouver. My Master's was $10,000 for a full time 4 year program. A MFA at UBC, one of the top universities in Canada is $20,000. That makes no sense.

0neMinute · 2026-04-18T01:33:24+00:00

Why is college involved in the divorce? Support her to do her dreams but don’t involve it in papers or set a reasonable amount for college 15k a year at most for 4 years then let her figure out the rest.

myxyplyxy · 2026-04-18T01:32:10+00:00

Do not pay for that. Unless that is not much to you? You are not doing her any favors.

jarnock · 2026-04-18T01:24:21+00:00

Offer to pay half, let the wife or soon to be ex wife agree to the 200K, she won’t

Beginning-Town-7609 · 2026-04-18T01:00:17+00:00

I can’t imagine any degree is worth $400k, particularly if the degree is as worthless as a BFA in musical theater. Sorry, that would be a strict no-go for me.

TimeCycle3000 · 2026-04-18T00:27:55+00:00

I’m all for the arts but there is no way this is a smart idea. Also pissed at the even being a college that would cost this much for such a degree.

Days before I turned 41, this year, I FINALLY paid off my loans. Undergrad and grad. Most of my career in government then transitioned to consulting.

Dude. I HATE that I had loans into my 40s.

She would be 90 before paying them off.

FUMoney · 2026-04-17T23:53:10+00:00

My lawyer tells me I can't do this because I will seem like a cruel and unloving father and the courts will not support my right to spend time with my daughter. She is 16 - it's a possibility.

Fuck this terrible advice. The daughter is 16. In two years, an adult. Then neither your ex, nor the courts, will be able to define, control, or otherwise order the relationship between you and your daughter.

Fight.

No-Spinach-169 · 2026-04-17T23:51:55+00:00

No, put your foot down. This is ridiculous. I may encounter such a situation in the not-to-distant future, and if I do, I’m definitely not going to allow this level of entitlement.

SeaweedWeird7705 · 2026-04-17T23:45:22+00:00

It is ridiculous for you to spend $400k to indulge a whim. Musical theater will not pay the rent. She needs a career that will allow her to support herself. Check with a vocational expert , but I’m pretty sure that labor market is poor.

I disagree with your lawyer’s opinion. You don’t have to waste $400k to appear to be a loving father. Be prepared to explain to a judge how you reached your decision not to pay. Explain that you offered alternatives: 1) that she could pay for it herself; or 2) that you would help with college towards a career that has a viable labor market. Explain that you love her and you want her to be self supporting.

MaineMan1234 · 2026-04-17T23:16:01+00:00

Don’t allow this to happen. That is a terrible investment. Your wife is also being ridiculous.

Smart-Incident3403 · 2026-04-17T23:04:53+00:00

It’s your daughter’s decision. Talk to her. Develop a relationship with your daughter where she respects your opinion.

And once she decides, won’t she pretty much be 18 by that time? Won’t the court be pretty much powerless by then? She’ll be an adult and can decide to spend time with whoever she wants.

This seems like it doesn’t have much to do with divorce, but everything to do with being a good dad and the relationship you have with your daughter. Talk to her LISTEN to her, and ask why she wants to go to this college.

DetroiterInTX · 2026-04-17T23:02:58+00:00

Sit down with your daughter and talk with her about what she truly wants and what is actually reasonable. Personally, paying $200k towards a degree that would take more than just several years to recoup is not reasonable. But then I have 2 currently in college and one coming up… eh, no, still not reasonable.

Kind-Number-419 · 2026-04-17T23:02:21+00:00

If you have the money and are able to do it maybe pay had? My wife wrecked me financially in divorce and if she hadn't I'd be in a better option to help my son pay for college. He picked TCU $90k a year. I'm not paying for it. I feel terrible but it is what it is.

Salty-Amoeba-3139 · 2026-04-17T23:01:44+00:00

Dude don’t do it. My wife and I were raised like you obviously were. Then she went crazy and let the kids do whatever they wanted and stroked unlimited checks. Nothing good happened from that and now we are divorcing (wish I did it 15 years ago)

Title	College
Author	DivorcingSamThrowawa
Upvotes	1
Comments	41
Date	April 17, 2026 10:41 PM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1sog22x/college/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/college.1578200 https://theredarchive.com/post/1578200

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