Divorce

JD-Anderson · 2022-11-26T00:34:48+00:00

I was about your age and surprised about my divorce. Even after it was over I had no idea what was going on or what had just happened. I worked on myself, saw a great counselor, and just figured things would make sense with time. I studied stoicism, read books from Jocko, Rollo, and all the like looking for things to make sense and to improve on myself.

Many years later, the one thing I realized is I was in a horrible marriage with someone I never actually loved. Once I started realizing that, and the nature of the type of woman I had married, it all made sense and I realized a couple things.

She did me a favor by divorcing me. I had been brainwashed into believing I wouldn’t be able to live without her, and yet my life in all aspects have become exponentially better without her.
The way I have to deal with her has helped me in other areas of my life putting down boundaries with people who need it.
I became a man that has worked hard, been blessed, and succeeded post divorce and I have my freedom to make as much money or have as much success if I want. Example: if I can easily live off of $70k a year and I work a lot less or I make $100k+ and work a lot more, that is 100% MY decision. No one else can control every aspect of my life anymore.

The freedom is probably the best thing I have found since my divorce.

georeddit2018 · 2022-11-25T21:11:11+00:00

"She doesn't want my house or money". She doesn't for now, hopefully she doesn't get influenced by dirty lawyers and relatives advising her to take you to the cleaners.

Trust no one. Most people are out for what is best for them.

playerknowmore · 2022-11-26T01:40:32+00:00

It's basic mathematics. Over fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Eighty percent of divorces are initiated by women. The longer you are married the more divorce will cost you. By twenty thirty over fifty percent of single women will never marry.

Men and women are wired differently. Women require happiness, men only require contentment. Fighting for a marriage is fruitless. It is only a delay of the inevitable. When they ask for a divorce the best thing for you to do is lean into it make it as fast as possible.

My wife thought having the conversation would turn me into a model husband. I had the settlement drawn within a month. She did a one eighty when she got the papers. If my marriage wasn't past twenty years I would have followed through.

Twenty years where I live is considered a forever marriage, so if she wants out in five years it wouldn't cost me anything more. If we were at fifteen years I would have left, because the difference between a fifteen and a twenty year marriage is hundreds of thousands of dollars more. Do the math before you fight, and you may save yourself a lot of money.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-11-25T23:02:31+00:00

She found another dude.

All these posts have the same exact story if you read through them.

Move on. Any reconciliation will only lead to future failure.

clarkr10 · 2022-11-25T21:19:13+00:00

It’s hard. My ex wife left about 3 months ago, and she was convinced I was the one making her unhappy. She had also convinced me I was the problem. She moved back home and immediately started causing problems with her entire family. She is not the type to ever admit she’s the problem so it’s irrelevant.

But, it is very difficult and I’m still struggling, but emotionally getting better. People would give me advice like go to the gym, join a club, socialize etc. but I just didn’t feel like it until about 2 weeks ago. I joined a running club and have made some friends, some women are interested in me etc. so this is helping a lot. That said….Even after all the shit she put me through, if she told me today she wants to get back together I’d have a hard time saying no, even though deep down I know that would be a mistake. I just want this feeling of loneliness to go away.

I can say I am in a much better place emotionally 3 months in to the split, than I was even a months ago, and some days are better than others. Time will heal you.

truebloodyvalentine · 2022-11-26T01:18:32+00:00

It’s surprising to you because like u said, she’s been processing this for months, went through the whole divorce and split with you in her head. You on the other hand got hit with the shock-and-awe. Like the other posts above, you need to go out and live your life. Anything you do that involves trying to get her back will be a detriment to your healing progress.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-11-26T01:46:53+00:00

Careful op.my ex raged for weeks after the divorce talk that she didn't need me or what little money I had. That she and my son would be completely fine without me. Next thing I know during the divorce proceeding she hired the top lawyer in the city for max child support, the house and half my 401k ( while she spent every penny she had and no 401k in 15 years together). Lawyer up and hang in there as best as you can.

ThrowAwayAccount__0 · 2022-11-25T20:56:00+00:00

The only way through it is to start working on yourself. Don't look for closure or understanding from her, figure out where you made mistakes, find out why, and then fix the root of the issue.

When you do that is when it becomes bearable and manageable. If you don't do the work, it's just turmoil and resentment and anger.

michaelrhodes1977 · 2022-11-26T15:23:08+00:00

I started a podcast to help Men get through this shit. Link to my website and all I am doing is in my profile. I have the podcast, a FB group, a Discord server, and a website. I dont want to violate rules so I wont post the link, but its in my profile.

1Koala1 · 2022-11-25T21:55:10+00:00

Well whatever you do, dont start grovelling. Its pathetic and the last thing women want to see from a man. It wont fix anything and in the end you'll just be embarrassed you did it. Your situation sounds like mine did. It's really hard to not try everything including basically begging when you are so fucked up emotionally, believe me I know.

Its different for everyone but it took about a year for me to accept this isn't the person I married and can you please gtfo out of my house. I'm ten years old than you w 2 kids. 10 year marriage for reference

thrownaway41422 · 2022-11-26T00:27:30+00:00

I've been separated for 3 months, she said she wa red a divorce 2 months ago. I'll let you know when it gets better as soon as I figure it out. None the less, you're not alone and your feelings are totally normal.

Ever-learning271 · 2022-11-26T02:49:25+00:00

Sorry to hear bra…if she has cheated, moved out or abused you in any way…it’s over and been over! If she’s confused, you love her, and you both go to counseling you may heal; only you would know this answer. If it is the former (not the latter)…let go, work on you with self-care, meditate, nature walks while you consult (not hire) attorneys in your area; consult with the sharks you do NOT want her to hire as your consultation makes it so that she can not hire that shark…👍 Mediation is a good way to go to save money (I successfully did) if you can get some agreement from her….Good Luck❤️‍🩹

Tough-Price3848 · 2022-11-26T03:30:58+00:00

I want to thank everyone in this thread. This makes me feel loads better. I realize I’m not the first to get divorced and probably not the last. I appreciate all advice and after 16 months of marriage it just feels wrong and I failed. Especially since I’m somewhat religious and I don’t believe divorce is an option. However, logically, a lot of you are right. So thank you all. Hope everyone’s holiday was as great as mine was despite my shitty situation.

awesomelybearded · 2022-11-26T03:38:02+00:00

Get the fuck out and start rebuilding. You will find love.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-11-26T07:42:47+00:00

Almost 100% of the time women walk away because they are unhappy especially if you have not done anything wrong. She has a back plan especially if she wants to walk away from everything. I am sure she wants this divorce to be quick. My advice is to give her the divorce hopefully is uncontested. You are only 28 have some fun and build some wealth for yourself channel your energy in something positive for your future

32_Belly_Option · 2022-11-26T14:45:47+00:00

Perhaps unrelated, but I asked in another post if the word divorce should be said in a relationship, and was surprised how many people said no.

My thought is that if it's not spoken about, does that just lead to a bunch of really surprised people who get hit with divorce?

This post proves the answer is yes. Sadly. :(

I'm sorry man, I wish you the very best. You got this! :)

ReadFirm8463 · 2022-11-26T00:38:31+00:00

My wife threatened me with divorce over the course of a year probably 4-6 times and after every time. It was “I couldn’t live without you or our son” up until the most recent time nothing ever came from the threats and then boom out of absolutely no where “I want a divorce”. And when I say out of “no where” I mean our marriage was on a great track we were both happy, sex life was phenomenal actually we had the best intercourse I think we have ever had probably 3 days before she told me this. No with that being said she filed and had me served and I am in the same boat as your brother. I go through my emotions in cycles. Now my divorce is almost over and I am absolutely terrified of what’s to come after it. I get where your coming from and the only advice I can tell you is to try to keep your mind as busy as possible. Find a hobby. Workout. Learn to cook. Just do something to stay away from the dark places mine took me because trust me you’ll never beat yourself when that’s who you are in competition with.

Commercial-Return259 · 2022-11-26T01:20:42+00:00

As difficult as it is the thing that can make you go broke is fighting it. If she is willing to walk away financially than get the divorce finalized asap while she's in the mindset of not taking everything.

Not all women will destroy you but every woman can destroy you.

hellsongs · 2022-11-26T07:59:41+00:00

You got zeroed out, my man. Absolutely devastating and excruciating place to be. Talk about complete ego death. Follow the advice of people on this subreddit and you’ll make it out on the other side.

FineTransition96 · 2022-11-26T09:47:16+00:00

I personally try it with stoicism. Just accepting what I cannot change. Works pretty well for the time being altough it might just be the fact that I can't feel anything because I'm totally numb. 😅 "Comfortably numb" one might call it.

Radio-7159 · 2022-11-26T17:47:43+00:00

Same happened here, out of the blue. Just had an amazing holiday then bang, shes gone, no affair, no marriage counciling, no reconciliation. Both in our 40s, 8 years together and 3 married. It's been 8 months now and its still tough. Thank fully have good freinds and family near by, all happily married with families of there own, so not always available. Ive been sick this week and stuck indoors on my own, had to speak to her about the house sale, spoke for an hour about our families and stuff as well, neither of us are dating, sounds like she's had a really rough time as well..upset at work, illness, stress etc. Just wanted to tell her to come home so I could help her.. ridiculous I know but fuck I still miss her.. does she miss me? Not sure, she called me.. so maybe, she'd never admit it if she does. Thought I was doing OK but being ill this week and the phone call has been a killer, brought back tons of memories and thoughts. All I can say is thank fuck the world cup is on so I could watch the football.

DivorceCoachMarcin · 2022-11-26T18:04:24+00:00

Visit www.coachmarcin.com checkout my divorce story and how I was able to overcome the struggles you’re going through.

Title	Divorce
Author	Tough-Price3848
Upvotes	22
Comments	39
Date	November 25, 2022 8:50 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/z4nth4/divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce.1141880 https://theredarchive.com/post/1141880

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