Have you considered celibacy?

Forward-Transition-5 · 2024-08-09T04:32:46+00:00

So I’ve been divorced for nearly ten years now. I dated a woman somewhere between 6 months and a year after my divorce was final (honestly it’s been so long I can’t remember an accurate timetable). I dated one more woman sometime after that (again I simply can’t remember the timeframe). Neither of those lasted more than a year and while one wasn’t bad and ended in a fairly neutral manner the other was a complete disaster. I tried a fwb situation after that but even that fell apart pretty badly. It’s been almost four years since then that I voluntarily walked away from women altogether. My life has been relatively peaceful and I actually enjoy it more than ever. I learned a number of things from my failed marriage as well as dating afterwards. I don’t enjoy casual sex in general because I prefer some type of emotional connection so hookups don’t do anything for me and just increase my risk of catching an incurable disease. I’ve realized that honesty is the best policy and most people are not real big on that because it can often come off as pretty mean. The honesty also isn’t for anyone else but for relieving my stress of worrying about someone catching me in a lie which is a bigger weight than I ever knew before now that it’s gone. It also entertains the hell out of me being honest with people sometimes because they’re obviously not prepared for the answer they get. Overall I found the peace I always wanted in my life and while I may feel some mild loneliness from time to time it’s just not worth it to disrupt that peace. It also helps that I simply don’t have any problem being alone and I know that’s something many people have trouble with so I got lucky there. Anyway to everyone here who has read this no matter what way you’ve chosen to go after your divorce or when your divorce is done in the future I wish you the best of luck and happiness. I truly hope you can find peace in your life.

stupididiot78 · 2024-08-09T03:50:06+00:00

There was one lady that I considered getting with but I just didn't feel like I was in the right place to start something up. Even if my ex was gone and fucking whoever, I just wanted to be able to say that I never had sex withone else at all the entire time I was married. My divorce was final almost exactly a year after we split up. I said I was going to take at least a year before I did anything. That'll be next week. I still don't feel like I have my shit together enough to really try to get back out there. Sex without emotions just doesn't really sound very appealing to me. I did it some before I started dating my ex. After having sex in what I thought was a loving and exclusive relationship, hookups were no longer that great.

Pharmanomic · 2024-08-09T03:33:42+00:00

I’m honestly dating 3 women, and they all know about each other. Life’s great 😌

Left-Signature-5250 · 2024-08-09T03:16:02+00:00

I can't get it up after the divorce and my libido tanked to zero as well. So there is that... I have absolutely no interest in sex. It is concerning but also a bit liberating. Only problem - I was stupid enough to get a girlfriend anyway (out of loneliness). She now more or less expects to have sex 1-2x a week. I can do it with Cialis, but it is mostly pretending for me. Not a good spot to be in.
If nothing changes, I must cut her lose - and then it will probably be celibacy for me.

ww3historian · 2024-08-09T02:39:50+00:00

Fuck no. My ex wide is riding the cock carousel and I should be celibate? Hell no

suspicious_bag_1000 · 2024-08-09T02:14:26+00:00

Nope

jammybastard · 2024-08-09T01:53:34+00:00

Read “Atomic Attraction”. You’ll discover what you did wrong in your marriage as well as what you need to do to be successful in the future.

008muse · 2024-08-09T01:48:52+00:00

Every mans battle in this thread…the idea sounds wonderful…just focus on making money, children and living in peace…but that flesh and eyes are never satisfied.

Slowloris81 · 2024-08-09T01:38:58+00:00

Yeah have little interest after what I’ve been through. So many negative associations. Feel like it would be very hard to trust again.

MGTOWManofMystery · 2024-08-09T00:38:05+00:00

Absolutely. Just liaise with women now and again on my own terms.

GreatLlamaXRS · 2024-08-08T23:35:57+00:00

I tried after I started divorce proceedings. An old crush convinced me that we could work. It didn't for a number of reasons. So back to being celibate, or trying to be. In love with my best friend, who is in a different country, so that complicates my resolve at being celibate.

ABBucsfan · 2024-08-08T23:28:23+00:00

Yeah I only ever planned to have sex with one woman. Granted I'm a person of faith too. Marriage was always for life. Even when she was ready to leave I'd determined we'd fix things or I'd stay celibate and single. I never believed in hookups or desired it. I don't think I could ever be vulnerable like that unless I was close to them. My experience with relationships or even just chasing after someone is they've always been a net negative. I realize maybe I'm prone to drawing the wrong types as some of us are (likely have some codependent traits that draw bpd and such) but also why my risk is higher. Only seemed decent enough to have kids and then she basically checked out. I love my kids and I appreciate all me of the travelling to that side of the world. I feel my heart strings pulled but I know it's pretty much never better than when you first start dating and most of it is just your hormones telling you it's a good idea. I also don't want to introduce anyone new to my kids. They come first, generally wife should be first then kids, but that's when it's their actual mom and they're secure knowing mom and dad love each other. Not fair to tell them she's now first and not fair to tell her she's third place behind them. I honestly don't have room in my life either. I value stability, peace, freedom more at this point than excitement

Tldr: I don't think it's wise for me to date again and it's against my religious beliefs as well. Monk mode for me.

Gloriouskoifish · 2024-08-08T23:22:01+00:00

I tried but ended up with a great woman who loves to fuck so..../shrug

techrmd3 · 2024-08-08T22:59:51+00:00

I considered it but I decided I like taco too much

The modern term is "Monk Mode" and I think that is a fine thing to do if you feel the need or the inclination. But basically you are "putting on hold" your interpersonal struggles and growth towards another partner.

It's like the Rocky fight prep cut scene, Rocky goes off and struggles, trains hard and comes out for his fight a new man.

Great as long as you have an end date that is outside of any woman's control, I think it's a great thing.

Remember we all got into this by paying attention to a woman's timetable... Go monk if you must but don't stay there and definitely DON'T stay in until you "meet the right woman" or some silliness like that.

Low_Fun_1590 · 2024-08-08T22:59:27+00:00

Does a strict diet of porn and sex workers count? Joking...

DisgruntledSalt · 2024-08-08T22:54:01+00:00

No point in feeling sorry for myself if I find someone who enjoys my time and theirs why not

Classic_Dill · 2024-08-08T22:39:26+00:00

Why? that would just be ignorant why would I be celibate and stop doing something? I enjoy doing because of a woman treating me bad? Makes absolutely no sense, if you let somebody from your past, takeaway the things you like, then you are the problem, not them. Do you think my ex-wife is gonna stop me from bass fishing? Do you think she’s gonna stop me from making authentic barbecue for 12 to 15 hours? do you think she’s gonna stop me from making content for my TikTok channel? If you are gonna stop dating? That makes a little bit more sense or are you ever gonna get married again? That makes more sense, but celibacy? Hell no!

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2024-08-08T22:24:04+00:00

59M divorced in Nov following 35yr marriage. Other than one bad decision > 25 years ago, she’s been the only one. Honestly it was never good. My d*** got me into that relationship all those years ago, but I made a commitment.

After getting screwed over and losing more than half of everything I worked for, I’m extremely reluctant to try for a relationship.

I don’t do hookups either, so it’s been It’s monk mode for me this whole time. Likely so for the foreseeable future. One woman dropped me a suggestive note. Another told me I was “glowing”. One woman at Trader Joe’s suggested I pay for her flowers. Beautiful women at bars suggested I buy them a drink. Passed on all of it.

All that said, I’m horny AF. Plumbing works better than ever after being removed from the stress of the marriage and the antidepressant I was on for 15 years. I find certain women incredibly alluring. Crap.

azwildcat74 · 2024-08-08T22:21:41+00:00

I didn’t have to consider it, I was already married. No way I’m not fucking often now that I’m not.

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-08-08T22:07:47+00:00

Of course. At a minimum I think every man should take at least 3 months celibate. Also, try not to Porn. I don’t want to steer my response way off of your question, but…… When my ex, who finally after 21 years, and she sat and ate a bag of chips for dinner, never exercised, and started to absorb sell esteem issues from her mom, sisters, and generally started to age, as we do age 42-50, she shut down the sex, and started to use that as control. So I just simply never asked her for sex. We went months at a time without it. I kept back-rubbing, being nice, eventually I realized she needed me, and she realized I didn’t need her, or was at least strong enough, not to submit to that: I had learned to control my body, my desires. I went to Thailand for a month last year, never a missed step. Had an amazing time, but never crossed the line. As I get older, through celibacy whenever I want, and keeping my body firmly under my control, I’ll never, ever, ever be in the position of that being a weapon. To actually answer your question: I don’t think any man in this world can be free, or truly happy, without knowing the difference between “wants” and “needs” and the most satisfying position is, THEY, THEY, meaning my ex, need you, and seek you, because you’re simply not playing that game. Thank you for your simple, but very deep question.

justme4556 · 2024-08-08T22:05:21+00:00

In the beginning and for a bit I had no drive. No morning wood nothing. After working through the trauma of that marriage with a therapist (no shame in it) it came back with a vengeance. So I will keep playing the game but with more knowledge than before and who I am.

Icerunner45 · 2024-08-08T22:00:47+00:00

I think that’s the whole MGTOW movement.

edr5619 · 2024-08-08T21:59:01+00:00

Pretty much there, but then we are still working through divorce.

Plus I'm dealing with ED probably stemming from her affair and the stress of it the ensuing divorce. Dating and sex are not even on the radar and frankly, I couldn't care less.

ColdEstablishment172 · 2024-08-08T21:56:17+00:00

Hell no. I like having sex. It's been 5 months since DDay and I am about to have my first experience since the breakup. Wish me luck. Hopefully it's a good experience and we can continue to be FWB.

Title	Have you considered celibacy?
Author	ooomn57
Upvotes	14
Comments	46
Date	August 8, 2024 9:45 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1enia86/have_you_considered_celibacy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/have-you-considered-celibacy.1526746 https://theredarchive.com/post/1526746

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