I need support and help please.

bopapocolypse · 2023-01-18T17:44:02+00:00

I am 2.5 years out from the beginning of the separation and the divorce was finalized this past December. My life is much, much better than it was in the first year of separation, and better than the final part of the marriage, to be honest. It's not perfect, but it's better. It is a long, hard road but there is a better life waiting for you if you keep pushing through. Feel free to DM or post here if you want to talk some more.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-01-18T18:45:21+00:00

If your happiness is dictated by a relationship, you will never be happy. I'm 3 years post divorce and freaking on top of the world. I just watched football and golfed all weekend with no one bitching about it. Divorce sucked, but i really became stagnant during marriage. I quit hobbies and hanging out with my core friends.

Divorce woke me the F up. This is not for everyone, but i did a lot of reading and research. I understand the female nature a whole lot better. It is not about hating women, and not all women act on it, but realize she is not yours. It was just your turn. You'll be baffled when her mental issues seem to disappear and she is with a new man. You got this, bro. Find yourself again and dig into the passions you had before marriage.

mrk177 · 2023-01-18T20:17:43+00:00

I would put heavy focus on improving yourself especially due to your last relationship. Find hobbies that interest you. Find healthy activities like working out and eating healthy. Make sure you love and trust yourself. I feel once you’ve worked on emotions from your previous relationship. Put yourself out there and see what happens. I would recommend avoiding dating apps. Very toxic environment and not a good place to find love.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2023-01-18T17:26:31+00:00

She's not capable of love? Translation: I want different sausages because I'm bored.

coffeefrog92 · 2023-01-18T21:30:14+00:00

Bro, I'm so, so sorry.

The bleak truth is that women do this all the time. They'll bust up a family just to feel something.

As hard as it is, you're gonna have to take some time to feel your pain. Let it pass through you. It won't be something you can do all at once, it will come to you when you don't want it, but I promise that with time it will get lesser and lesser.

Most of all, accept that she's gone and bury the past. It's the only way you'll eventually get to that happy ending. Just know you're not alone and we're all going through it.

I take solace in this: as men who are left by our wives, we take the hit up front. It hurts like hell immediately, but it gets better.

She's gonna take the hit when you move on, and build yourself up into something even better. Maybe months, maybe years, but you'll get there. We're all rooting for you.

metalmaniak68 · 2023-01-18T18:23:21+00:00

If you want love, get a dog. Not trying to be funny, it’s the truth

playerknowmore · 2023-01-18T17:19:50+00:00

Mentally you need to start taking the love you have for her and start letting it feel the void she left in you. Remember you don't need her, you just want her. Odds are pretty high that she is having some sort of affair. I can't be sure but the way she phrased it seems like guilt, and she doesn't deserve your love.

Let her go, and let him know that there is no coming back. Good luck.

justsomedude1111 · 2023-01-18T16:06:02+00:00

If you research mental health conditions that list inability to love as a symptom, they're pretty rare. What is common, though, that the feeling that one is unable to love when they're under large amounts of pressure, anxiety, stress and/or depression. My STBX attempted suicide on 3 occasions during our time together. She and I both have our battles with mental health. I, myself, have dealt with the feeling of not being in love with her for about a year now, but I love her to my core.

Finding myself spiritually unfit, I joined a support group nearby that deals with life on life's terms, allows members to believe in whatever they want to when it comes to something greater than themselves, and uses the strength of the group to help us forgive others, ourselves and focus on others rather than ourselves. It's a lot of work, but it's been powerful.

It sounds to me like y'all are connected more than you realize, and maybe in a lot of ways you're growing apart, and while she's telling you what she doesn't want, she has an idea of what she does want but isn't able to express it. My ex is like that. Always wanting change, but never knowing what type. Always letting me know I'm doing things she doesn't want, but can't tell me what she wants from me. Cop-out statements like "I shouldn't have to explain to you what I want, you should already know."

This is going to hurt for a while because y'all have been together a long time. I suggest you put pen to paper and list out the things you WANT. Some of them may seem crazy or impossible, but write them out anyway. The things you don't want, if you focus on those the chances are you're going to get them. Try to keep positive and go get the things you want for yourself. It seems to me there's a really happy life out there waiting for you, if you're willing to work for it.

MartyMcFly7 · 2023-01-18T17:59:03+00:00

Absolutely, bro!

I had the worst time going through it, but now life is better than ever!

Don't waste time with someone who doesn't want to be there. There are a lot of women who DO want to be there. (As my current GF says, my ex-wife's loss is her gain!)

Just know that you're going to face a lot of challenges that will test your character, but things will eventually turn around.

Like most here, my only regret was not doing it sooner! I love all the peace and quiet, the lack of drama, I love the new GF, I love having full financial control and never having to compromise on anything. It's awesome. I do what I want to do, buy what I want to buy, go where I want to go. All with no hassle. It's no wonder the majority of Americans are now single. It rocks!

BlazeKnaveII · 2023-01-18T18:52:19+00:00

I'm 1.5 years physically separated from a mentally ill person who couldn't love. You'll feel so much better, even being alone will be great. You can spend your energy on loving you instead of someone that can neither receive not reciprocate.

Wish you the best brother. Keep your chin up. This is for the best. Feel free to DM

ready_4_the_mayans · 2023-01-18T20:05:09+00:00

Absolutely!

Married almost 10 years, I'm the one who initiated. I knew I'd be happier alone than still stuck and miserable daily.

It's been great. Not all roses, definitely some tough spots, but I've met some great women and have been dating someone amazing for the last year. Wish I'd bailed sooner.

Have fun, stay fit, be confident. Guys with their shit really together aren't as common as you'd think, so if you have yours on point you will do great. If you don't, get it there first and then start dating.

Girl_Dad42 · 2023-01-18T22:52:18+00:00

Be grateful that it happened after only 4 years of marriage. It won’t wreck you financially. You’re young and have a whole life ahead of you. Give yourself time. It gets better. Make sure you have a close circle of family and friends to talk to you. Find a therapist as well. It helps to get all the feelings out.

FindingMyPrivates · 2023-01-19T04:16:36+00:00

I’m 30 going through similar shit. We were sweethearts but I never wanted it until we met up again when I was a Marine. Married 7, together 8(military for you). I have posts detailing what happened. She pretty much wants a bunch and gives little. It’s pretty much her just finding a way out. I’ve been struggling so much. Begged her over and over before. I went to therapy and it helped.

Probably what’s helping me is reading men’s self help books(not incel “fuck women” type). It’s helped me realize my own potential. How I need to stop focusing on a women and make her a compliment for my own life. I’m gonna dedicate this year to focusing on my health and fitness. Finish a graduate degree by ‘24. Be the best dad my two girls can have. Probably travel afterward. I’m accepting her leaving. It her loss my gain. I can find myself again and fix the shit I let happen. Id suggest the same mindset. It’s hard as shit in the beginning but keep finding it in you. Read up on good men’s help books but be weary of the ones who just shit on women. I have a sister and daughters. I largely disagree with those. It’s fine when “men want to go their own way” just don’t shit on women cuz then you’re just an incel. It’s tough finding good stuff out there in a sea of shit. You got this bro. Idk how you feel about it but Rich Coopers book is helping a lot.

Edit: DMs are open bro. Us 90’s babies need to stick together through all this.

Blaqmagik1 · 2023-01-18T15:32:42+00:00

Not really supportive tbf.. But this is pretty much what my stbxw told me a week before she filed, then a couple weeks after that she has a new bf.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-01-18T18:32:58+00:00

Dude. You are young. You will recover. It is just going to take time.

WartimeDad · 2023-01-18T19:18:01+00:00

Yeah man. You’re going to love it once you’re free of this. It’s very likely you won’t even realize how bad it was with her until you’re a year or two out and able to find yourself.

strangerthaaang · 2023-01-18T21:32:53+00:00

I’m just sober a year out. I’m a lot better. You will get better.

Doubledolla · 2023-01-19T00:14:54+00:00

Control the things you can control. You may not want this but her decision has effects for you. How you choose to move forward is your choice. I have dealt with this twice now with the same woman with mental health/ depression issues. Choose the high road and do not engage in any of the bullshit and don't do anything that you will regret. Patience and self love while you are separating. Dont focus on what she is doing or give it merrit in your head space. Yeah it sucks but again you dont get to choose this so you get to choose how you deal with it. Give yourself some goals and get fit or more fit if that is the case. Give yourself a better future. As you move out into the world on your own and do YOUR things, life will fall in around you. It may not seem like it now but it will be better and you will find your happiness.

Doubledolla · 2023-01-19T03:25:36+00:00

No problem. Rooting for you brotha. Your choice to live YOUR life will lead to your happiness

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-01-19T08:07:56+00:00

You are only 32 and you don't seem to have kids. You have time to do whatever you want. Good thing you are divorcing now v 10 years later. Enjoy your time and you can meet someone new at some point and enjoy life

DHSC101 · 2023-01-19T14:27:35+00:00

Yes it will get better. Mine is recent, so the pain is still fresh. I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel though. Once I get through the pain I know my life will be better.

I have a friend who went through this 5 years ago. He's absolutely ecstatic about where he is now.

Try and get out of your head. Do whatever it takes to stop dwelling on what you don't have anymore. Which of course is easier said than done. But to move in you have to let go. You have a new life ahead of you. It isn't what you planned on but you can find happiness in it if you work for it. My mistake was just sitting and stewing about what could have been or what I did wrong.

The hardest part for me is learning to live for myself and not someone else. But I don't have a choice so it's either dwell on the past and be unhappy or figure out what in my new life will make me happy.

It's going to be rough, just know it can get better and it will if you work towards it.

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-01-18T17:45:46+00:00

> Do you have a happy ending after?

I'm five years post-divorce and living my best life. So are my 16 and 12yo kids. My only regret about divorce was not doing it sooner.

> she says she is not capable of love

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Negotiated desire only leads to obligated compliance, which results in resentment by both parties.

> she has always had mental health problems

Yet you married her. You must think very little of yourself that you married the first girl who got your dick wet. Cultivate an abundance mindset. Your wife is not one-in-a-million, she's one-of-a-million. There are a ton of woman out there who will treat you better. And at 32, you haven't even hit your peak yet.

mbrad231 · 2023-01-18T17:45:32+00:00

Toxic relationship can ruin your whole life.When you stay with them, you choose destruction.Cut them off to live a peaceful life.Desire to heal and grow enough. What’s helped me the most is educating myself on codependency and narcissism. Lots of good content on YouTube. Check out Lisa A Ramano, Dr Ramani and Lewis Howes has great content & interviews. In addition,This professional can also get you TEXT MESSAGES! CALL LOGS! EMAILS AND SOCIAL MEDIA all clouds (DELETED AND NON DELETED MESSAGES)on Instagram and they are acceptable at court for evidences https://instagram.com/registeredexperts?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Grand-Expression-493 · 2023-01-18T18:29:22+00:00

I'd like to ask something for those who are long term couples: if you have been together for so long, like a decade or more... Then what changes after marriage that the marriage ends early?

I did a traditional marriage (arranged), so I always thought I am getting a divorce since I never really got to know my STBXW until we lived together. But then I see long term relationships turn into marriage and fail as well.

SecretDoctor8121 · 2023-01-18T21:44:52+00:00

Not gonna lie. Nope.Never.Wasn't even close to it....I'm out of my marriage 3 or 4 yrs now. Nothing in the horizont either but im sure you will find it eventually bro. Chin up.

thenotknown2022 · 2023-01-19T02:11:18+00:00

oddball suggestion, have you tried Psilocybin hail mary attempt?

DHSC101 · 2023-01-19T14:13:08+00:00

I love the 'need to find myself' line.

Funny how her new self always seems to be on a strangers dick.

Title	I need support and help please.
Author	Foreign-Patience-383
Upvotes	10
Comments	75
Date	January 18, 2023 3:24 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/10fa06q/i_need_support_and_help_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-need-support-and-help-please.1148674 https://theredarchive.com/post/1148674

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