Its happening and im devastated

engineered-chemistry · 2025-04-22T15:06:43+00:00

Lots of us have been where you are for various reasons.

1 is that your children need you. They will always need you. Money can be made in the future but time with your kids now can never be replaced. When the thoughts pour in, do something you enjoy, particularly something your ex didn’t like or didn’t want you to do. Keep busy when you don’t have the kids. The thoughts alone can be overwhelming. I’ve been through the depressing thoughts, panic attacks etc. Medication can knock the edge off - go see your Dr. Try to stay away from the alcohol as it numbs the pain but doesn’t process the pain. Just leaves it for you tomorrow.

Kids are malleable and will adapt. Better to be from a broken home than live in one. At their age, they won’t even see it as a broken home. Shield your children from the particulars of the divorce. Your stbxw owes it to herself to do the same. The woman may have hurt you but she is still your children’s mother. Hopefully she is a good mother and the two of you have that part in common and co-parent effectively.

Financially, it’s painful but it will get better. Seek an attorney to know your rights and give you guidance on what to do now. I have no knowledge of Canada law to provide anything helpful.

Times will be better!

thraxx171 · 2025-04-22T07:11:58+00:00

Man… that hit deep. I’m going through something not identical, but close enough that I feel a lot of what you’re saying in my bones. It’s not just about the split, it’s the grief, the fear of what the future looks like, the weight of responsibility, and that crushing sense of losing something you worked so hard to build.

I’ve had panic attacks, felt completely unravelled/helpless, and of course some dark thoughts have crept in too. But like you, it’s the kids that pull me back. They don’t even realise it, but they’re the anchor. The idea of sharing them or not being there for all the moments, it hurts in a way nothing else has.

You’re not pathetic. You’re a man standing in the middle of a storm doing his best to stay upright for his girls. That’s strength. It’s ugly, it’s painful, but it’s real. And as hard as it is to imagine now, this version of you, beaten down but still showing up is the one that’s going to get you through it. Your girls will see it too.

Please, forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. You’ve already done amazing things. Your life resume proves it. You are the best person for this job, even when it doesn’t feel like it. I’m dating women with so many daddy issues these days, it’s become painfully clear that I want to show up for my kids in a way that keeps them from ever feeling that kind of damage. Appreciation, presence, love... I want them to know they’re safe and seen, every day. That’s the real legacy. Your girls don’t need perfect, they need you.

Right now, forget about your ex. Focus on rebuilding you. Start small like go for walks, move your body, listen to a mindfulness podcast, or throw on a short anxiety meditation on spotify (I like "therapy in a nutshell" for anxiety). You’ll be surprised what 10 minutes a day can shift.

And here’s something I had to learn the hard way, that voice in your head that’s spiraling? That’s your inner caveman trying to protect you, fight or flight gone haywire. It’s not truth, more a false alarm. You can learn to control and quiet it, be in the present.

Get a lawyer/attorney, someone solid. Get proper legal advice, not just sympathy. Start lining up your ducks: evidence, financial records, timelines, everything. Fight smart and fight hard. Then, when the dust settles, be generous, but only on your own terms and with your own grace. That’s how you walk out with your head high and your future intact.

I promise you, this storm doesn’t last forever and you won't feel like this. It's ok if you do, you don't have to be happy all the time. And when you get to the other side, which you will, you’ll see how strong you actually are! Only time heals and we can't rush it. One breath at a time, mate.

dfb54749014 · 2025-04-22T05:18:31+00:00

Once they have an affair it's over. There is no coming back from that. My ex did it and I told her I could have worked through anything but not that. She decided the grass was greener elsewhere rather than put the effort into watering her own. Big mistake like most women make. They run away from responsibility or accountability rather than face the truth and make things right.

Maybe I'm lucky. I don't know. But 6 months after the divorce I really looked at my ex and felt no attraction to her. I know her AP is a pathetic little man who woo'd her. He's such a shitshow, still married and not progressing the divorce. All the while fucking my ex and other women.

Anyways, off subject now. Sorry

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-04-21T20:40:08+00:00

It’s easy to say, but I have been through this, sans the affair, but you will be fine. Deal with your fear, establish a plan and be as kind and fair as possible through this. Put yourself first, then your girls. It will all work out.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2025-04-21T18:17:51+00:00

Time to start looking out for yourself. Use her affair fog to get the best deal possible. She’s someone else’s problem now. Start working out and problem solving now and you’ll be fine.

Abbondad1967 · 2025-04-21T17:45:26+00:00

Hi, Datguyeh.

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation—one in which I found myself over 12 years ago (I am now 58) when my ex-wife also had an affair. She would not stop and after eight months I had no choice but to divorce her. It was the most excruciatingly painful episode of my life, lasting a seeming eternity as I had to endure years of so-called coparenting. My kids were six and nine).

The divorce was predictably horrific (took around a year) and wiped me out financially. If my ex weren’t personality-disordered, vindictive and unreliable I would not have retained an attorney and saved tens of thousands. But it is what it is.

My purpose in responding is to offer some reassurance from someone who has been there and endured all the things you fear. Note I say “endured.” Meaning, I survived them. Many of the things you fear are natural consequences of this shitshow. They happened. But you will survive them too. Your kids will as well. And some of what you fear may not come to pass. Or maybe they will but you WILL be able to navigate them. You are stronger than you think.

Like I said, coparenting was “so-called.” In short, it was agony—every freaking child exchange was drama. But if your ex is normal and truly wants what’s best for the kids, it will be ok. Not “great,” mind you; it sucks. But if you both keep it pleasant and BRIEF, it should keep stress for everyone at a minimum.

The fact that your kids are so young makes it easier in my opinion. They will not remember anything of their previous life. My kids were older and did remember so it was very painful and confusing for them.

Financially, yup: I lost everything financially , rented beyond my means in an area that was way over my budget but that I could not move from because of my job and the kids’ schools. I still rent: my adult son and me in a tiny two bedroom.

But I have a good job and while I now live paycheck to paycheck, I’m ok. I survive.

So will you. It’s not the life you imagined for yourself but it is what it is. That’s not to be flippant about it—again, it was a nightmare—but be philosophical about it as much as you can. As they say, accept what you cannot change and try to change what you can. Time will go by—excruciatingly slowly, but it will go by and one day it will be something that happened—not something that is happening.

I’ve dated many women since my divorce and yeah, that sucks too to be single again. But many of them were really nice and “normal” and SO many are in our same boat. I haven’t found my person yet, but it’s ok. I know that I am loveable and just made a bad mistake—marrying someone who was capable of hurting and betraying her family and continuing to do so anyway. I’m human. I’m flawed. But I survived, just like I survived other losses in life. With tears and grief but I survived.

And what of my ex and her great love? The one whom she left us for? Pfft. They broke up a few months ago—not for the first time, so who knows. I honestly don’t care any more. You won’t either. Oh, and she cheated on him at least once that I know of. He took her back, the fool. Karma is sweet.

At least once a year since our divorce she has Hoovered—saying she wants me and our family back, she made a mistake, lots of tears and apologies. A distant part of me still misses her of course—I loved her—but she did what she did and it is unforgivable. It’s a sad story. A waste of an enviable life.

Anyway, to sum up: You will come out of this a stronger, better man. But you have to walk through hellish flames for a long time to get there. Your kids will make it too—as long as they have a safe, stable, loving dad.

I wish you the best. You got this.

Become_Pneuma · 2025-04-21T17:33:23+00:00

Another classic case. The sooner you accept the fact your marriage is over the better. Your wife as you know her has crossed the bridge and there is no coming back. The process of divorce is very traumatic. Losing your family and watching your children suffer is very difficult. However, once the divorce is finalized and you are settled in to your new living arrangements things improve drastically. Focus on getting to that finish line. Good luck brother.

hazalo9 · 2025-04-21T17:12:23+00:00

Listen to what you just said: She cheated on you and you feel like you let her down. You're beating yourself up twice there! Cheating is not your fault! Take a breather and talk to your attorney about your financial options. I know how it feels to be down but you have to mentally be strong more than ever now especially for your little girls. Good luck bro!

krazykanuck · 2025-04-21T16:26:06+00:00

When you can, I want you to try something. I want you to visualize your best friend or a close relative telling you the following:

back in january she admitted to having an affair. We decided to stay together and work on things but this past weekend she came to me and said she was done.

I feel like i let her down as a husband and cant imagine ever being with anyone else ever again.

Really let that sink in. You understand that your friend/relative isn't perfect and made mistake in their relationship (all people do by the way). You also see that they are blaming themself for something terrible that was done to them. How does that make you feel? What would you say to them? What would you do?

Now do that for yourself. Say that to yourself. Give yourself empathy and care.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-04-21T15:40:40+00:00

You fight for 50/50 custody, right down to the last penny. You file first, to set the narrative. Make sure she is imputed for income, and don’t you dare give a penny more than required. She betrayed you on a visceral level, she is a piece of garbage, and deserves zero respect. You need to treat her as such. Trust me, been there, done that, and from Ontario Canada. They are not in school yet, there is no agreements in place, so there is nothing preventing you from moving to a more affordable area and taking the girls with you, and enrolling them there to establish precedence. Time is of the essence, do not waste it.

Worth_Garbage_4471 · 2025-04-21T12:18:14+00:00

I'm very far from you geographically, but what keeps my girls (5 and 7) happy is mainly hanging out with other people who have kids their age. With all the divorces and separations going on, there should be more support groups for those of us in this situation. It's hard because we view it as something shameful, but i think that's a way forward.

RespectInevitable479 · 2025-04-21T15:39:04+00:00

Do you have family to live with. Stay with them don’t focus on buying a house alone. Stay with people who love you.

BornBandicoot2515 · 2025-04-21T15:30:50+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this. We are in similar situations with the STBX and kids. You can read my other posts to catch up as needed to understand my responses (to commiserate if you will).

I understand having dark thoughts. They are just thoughts. You are stronger than that. Your children need you. Be the great father you are and don’t do anything crazy or selfish. Seek immediate help and therapy as needed. Therapy in general will be helpful to work through the grieving process. Be sure to watch the girls to see if there are changes. Talk to their school so the teachers are aware and can advise as needed.

Your X is gone. She chose someone else. You must reach acceptance so you can heal. This will be very hard. It is a process. But you are strong and you will persevere.

You need to lean on your support group. Your friends and family. Be open and honest. Tell them what you need. The best will show up for you.

Keep moving. Workout. Walk. Do whatever. Keep busy. Read books. Do chores. Get outside.

Again, seek therapy. You need an outlet and a guide.

If possible go no contact with the X. I have two kids - young - with the X so no contact is hard but you need the time and space to reach acceptance. I only allow email (phone and txt for emergencies only). I don’t want to see her or hear her voice. It’s too painful.

I have no guidance on the money side. You know your situation better than anyone else. But I know you must accept, and then invest in your children and yourself. You must take care of your children and yourself. Kids need love and experiences not things. They are resilient.

You are strong. You will push through this. You are young. You will grow and be better.

It’s a process. Stay strong. Feel the feelings, move through the grief.

Wishing you peace and acceptance. Better times are ahead.

IBlockAllWomen · 2025-04-21T15:17:19+00:00

Hello me! Before doing anything rash check out @CoachLiliya channel on YouTube and see if your relationship fits the description.

This is my relationship down to a t, the videos helped me to realize leaving her is the best thing I can do.

I found out about the affair only 3 weeks ago and already feeling much better (you need to lose the "I love her and want to save us" attitude as it will only ruin your mental health), but I know how you feel, I thought about commiting myself in a psychiatric ward in the first few days.

Physical-Setting2122 · 2025-04-21T14:42:42+00:00

Thy God give you strength bro, pls talk and amicably solve it out of court with mutual consent pls don’t even think of trying to fight your case - also make all plans for the kids ; come to your senses and stop telling you love her - she made her choice

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-04-21T14:39:35+00:00

I feel pathetic and alone and dont know how to move forward.

You've been handed a huge trauma and your brain is jello. This is normal. The way you move forward is you get legal representation amd that person will do some thinking for you (you're going to throw money at this but in a good way) until you've pulled out of the dive.

You're not going to drink. You're going to find a therapist or clergy or ANYONE to talk to about this.

Why will you do this? For your daughters. FUTURE you is looking back and thanking current you for laying the foundation.

No one is coming to save you. Its hard, probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, but for the sake of your daughters, and yourself, you will have to do it. Its not your fault but it is your responsibility.

gorillafeet43 · 2025-04-21T14:30:21+00:00

I (52m) am 6-9 months ahead of you in the process, maybe a couple of weeks from issuance of a divorce decree. Two teen daughters. Losing/lost the house to her (in exchange for leaving my retirement untouched). Going back to renting in an expensive area, at age 52. Brother I too have had some really dark thoughts. And although I’m not out of the woods quite yet, What I will tell you is that you will figure it out and things will get better. Use this as the opportunity to create version 2.0 of yourself. Educate yourself on mental health, find a therapist, practice self care, and figure out what v2.0 is.

Unsainted_smoke · 2025-04-21T14:19:31+00:00

I got 2 young boys and I’m navigating missing them like crazy. Financially it is hard and then throw legal fees on top of that. The next 6 months is gonna be tough while you go through litigation and custody arrangements. Best advice I can give is get yourself the best lawyer you can find and try to keep the peace as much as possible with your now ex. She can make life difficult for you even more than it is now. A friend of mine said it’s like swallowing triangles sometimes and he’s right. Do your best to not turn everything into an argument because it will make life more stressful.

Even though my ex turned out to be an insecure narcissist and driving our finances into the ground, I would do it all over again if I knew those 2 boys would come in to my life. Never forget what you have because those 2 angels are more important than any amount of money you could make

Beezer_Washingbeard · 2025-04-21T14:02:00+00:00

Read “Leave a cheater gain a life” it’s also on Spotify

DeepAnt8165 · 2025-04-21T13:46:08+00:00

She is a sorry woman, well... You need a strong support circle, reach for positive relatives and true friends.

This is going to happen thru stages, now you are on the beginning stages and it may get a little worse before it gets better but it will happen sooner than you think.

You need a job, somehow bring something in to pay rent and buy food. If you don't have enough for rent then look up for your parents and ask them to stay with them while you can save for buying something later.

Your recovery will be slow, but it is something like: Fist year is bad because is expensive Second year gets better because your responsibilities with her are less and less, then when you don't own her any financial support your life with your daughters will begin to improve.

Actually, raising your daughters alone will be better than with that woman, you will be a better influence but is going to requiere a lot of discipline.

Sam_N_Emmy · 2025-04-21T13:39:04+00:00

Look into what resources are available to help with childcare. Due to my ex’s choices I was forced to move and ended up in a place that I looked at as temporary. It worked within my budget and had enough room for my kids and our three dogs. It sucked but we all made it through.

You got this. Don’t let the fear of “what if” slow you down. We adjusted our budget and my kids look back and laugh at the stuff we did. Our first night in our new place was the three of us playing board games and eating frozen pizza on the floor. The only thing that mattered in that moment was that we were together.

Stay focused on doing what you need for you and your kids. Every day gets a little easier.

Several-Eagle4141 · 2025-04-21T12:39:37+00:00

Mine cheated while the kids are 4 and 1. Suspect it went on for awhile.

Of course the guy was married, so he’s not going anywhere.

I’m on my own now and have the kids 6/14 days fortnightly.

regertsrus · 2025-04-21T12:36:59+00:00

This doom and gloom mentality will linger for a long time if you let it. The trick to getting over fast is to get under fast.
The kids are too little. You will just need to do your best. You will have to be very creative. My saving grace was finding a woman and blending my family. Best thing i ever did after discovering my X is a pathological liar and cheat. Be careful though. These types of women often end up lying well after. Today i have umpteenth false cps, police and order of protections. All proven lies and she has not even received a slap on the wrist.

Title	Its happening and im devastated
Author	datguyeh
Upvotes	37
Comments	34
Date	April 21, 2025 12:12 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1k4bzzk/its_happening_and_im_devastated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/its-happening-and-im-devastated.1550220 https://theredarchive.com/post/1550220

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