Married to incompetence

chicken_po_boy · 2023-07-22T07:55:38+00:00

Your comments about being the breadwinner, providing, cooking, cleaning, finances, bills, taxes resonated with me. I was doing all this stuff too during my marriage including yard work and car maintenance. I was killing myself to make more money and simultaneously hold the line on the budget while she was out blowing our money freely on whatever she wanted. I had no time for myself, no time for exercise or friends. I was angry and unhappy. The only thing she did ‘for me’ was laundry, which she complained bitterly about (idk why, it’s not that hard?) until one day she stopped doing that too. Looking back, it was almost as if she was behaving in this entitled way as if to punish me, or purposely push me to leave.

One day I had enough. I broke down and said I couldn’t take it anymore. I said I wanted a divorce. The very thing I never wanted for me or my family. But looking back, I only wish I had done it sooner. I wasn’t afraid of being divorced. I was only afraid of going through a divorce. Every aspect of my life is better now: my health, finances, sex life, my job, social life, family, and my relationship with my kids. I even get along well with her and we co-parent well.

ramboton · 2023-07-22T15:17:42+00:00

So, I see you have met my wife.......

When we met she was going go school to be a nurse and I thought great, I have a good paying government job, if she becomes a nurse we will do great. About 1/2 way through her training she was doing some internship at a Dr. office, could not stick a needle in people, dropped out of the program. Worked at a care home as a Nurses aid making minimum wage. I got her a job at the government agency I worked at she did that for a few years then quit because she did not like working nights. I supported her told her to take a break and go for something she enjoys. All I asked was that she pay her car payment and I could cover everything else. The next two years were depression, unemployment etc, then started bouncing from one minimum wadge job to another, never lasting more than a year or so at each one. It also got to the point I was doing the laundry and doing all of the cooking, as well as paying everything including her car. At some point we traded it in for a new car and she promised to make the payments she only got serious when I told her I was going to sell it if she did not make the payments. Now I am retired with a good pension, I work part time at a good paying IT job, while she gets paid by the state to care for her disabled mother. She still barely makes her car payment, but she started doing more around the house when I threatened to move out. Now I see I should have left long ago.

woozle-wazzle · 2023-07-22T09:38:38+00:00

"When did my wife become so cruel and useless."

Relate to so much of what you said. Becoming incompetent, ignorant, or slow as a passive aggressive cruelty to make things difficult is really hard.

It's not always consciously deliberate on their part, and it's not just wives, we all unconsciously drag our feet at times... But when you rely on someone they get the power to hurt you by doing things so badly you need to either worry over them, or accept fixing things they break. It can make you neurotic and naggy to achieve shared needs and goals.

Your wife wasn't always this incompetent, she knows about travel.

I hope your wife isn't being cruel, but it sounds like your supportive nature has enabled a very subtle nastiness, that she can hurt you by making what seem honest mistakes and reasonable demands... But you have to sort them out.

Don't read too much into any one failing, because we all make them, but consider making notes to see a pattern. If she is regularly not able to do agreed relationship things without extra support from you, then you don't have a partner.

chicken_po_boy · 2023-07-22T07:08:22+00:00

Nearly the same identical thing happened with me and my ex when we were married. We had a 1yo and a 3yo at the time. The night before we were flying to Scotland to visit her extended family, she discovered her passport had expired. She thought it was funny until she learned she would not be able to fly. She thought the airline people would hear her sob story and give her a break. The airline said they would absolutely not let her fly without a valid passport. What could we do? We changed her ticket to MIL’s name (who dropped everything to go) and we left my wife behind. She had to drive to Chicago and get an emergency passport renewal. At great expense, she then booked a same day flight to Scotland and met us there, 3 days late.

But wait, there’s more. Passports are good for 10 years. Care to guess what happened exactly 10 years later? You guessed it.

Our marriage lasted 16 years. At least I don’t have to be a part of it, next time it happens.

FrankFranklin1971 · 2023-07-22T18:25:50+00:00

My ex started acting up before a Disney Trip years ago. Looking back I'm pretty sure she just wanted me to get mad enough to tell her to stay home. Perhaps she let her passport expire on purpose. Sometimes, especially with BPD and Cluster B types, vacations or birthdays make them go haywire. They realize they are going to be "trapped" in a close proximity situation with certain people for a long period of time & can't deal with it knowing their mask will slip.

Basic_Advance7627 · 2023-07-22T07:58:31+00:00

My now ex of 27 years was pretty much useless. I did everything and worked myself almost to death about 65 hours a week while she did nothing and our house was an absolute mess. She also had an undiagnosed “disability” and I had her to every doctor in the state. Well I finally ended up in the hospital with acute pancreatitis for 6 days. High blood pressure and diabetes and on antidepressants. Guess what? She was cheating behind my back. At least 2 affairs I found out about and finally left me for a lowlife loser I had grown up with. I’d say good riddance, but she destroyed me and my kids and she alienated all 3 of my kids and finally I just have got my youngest. What a despicable excuse for a human, she’s less than dirt.

Gattsama · 2023-07-22T08:18:20+00:00

Sorry you are in this situation man. However, I want you to re-read what you wrote:

"she almost got me fired... emotionally blacked me into driving... [I] helped her with so many things... she made me... she forces me... I am becoming... she is about to ruin..."

I was you, except no kids. I was simping hard during the marriage, and I took on all kinds of extra responsibility and work; and often blamed it on her. But she can NOT make you do anything. You chose too. You are in control of your life. She can cry, scream, be dramatic, etc. but you choose how you act.

Please hear this with all love. You have trained your wife to behave this way. She acts up, and you give in. She is actively rewarded for being useless. Why bother doing anything when you will step in and take care of it. Yes, I get it, she 'should' want to do more, and if she was a good person, she would do more. But here we are.

Maybe I'm projecting, but my mistake (and so many other guys) is we believe that if only we do this extra step, if we carry this extra weight, if we demonstrate by doing; eventually she will step up and do her part too. But that is not how it works.

Again, no kids, but in my case, I had a stay at home wife that didn't work. I work nights from 7p-7a. I would wake up early and do the pet chores, come home and do the pet chores + needed house chores. When not working nights, I would give her a 45-minute full body massage every night (fibromyalgia / chronic pain issues). We took trips around the world, first class. Every service she wanted, I covered. etc. etc. And yet she would constantly complain about how she had nothing, I don't do anything to support her emotionally, the money / trips / stuff was great but that's not what she got married for, etc. etc.

And I keep telling myself: Ok, when faced with a problem, work harder. Double down. Get it done. And that was great for school and my career, but 100% the wrong move with the eX!! I slowly woke up to the truth. NOTHING I do is going to make her happy. Nothing I do is going to make her do more. And holy shit, I'm reinforcing her bad behavior by rewarding it! I have no boundaries. She calls while I'm at work, I'll talk for 30-90mins. I'm tired and about to pass out, but she wants to talk, I stay up. The problem most guys like us have is that we surrender our power of our own free will, then complain about how powerless we are.

You need to get: "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (audiobook, paperback, and often free on YouTube). Also, consider looking up Stoic philosophy. The first step is to accept that YOU and only you are in control of your actions. Then accept that you made all the choices above, not your wife. Then you can choose to do something different going forward. That might mean the termination of the relationship, maybe or maybe not. But it does mean the termination of the current status quo.

In my case, as I slowly woke up over the last 2-3 years of the marriage (together 17 years and married 12), she got more and more dramatic. But I cared less and took better care of myself. I started working out more, she would protest, and I would say, 'I work hard, and this is something I choose to do for myself and my sanity.' She would say what about her, and I would say 'I am going to place taking care health over everything, if I'm not healthy I'm useless to you and us.' And then I would ignore her. If you want to take back control of your life, you can do so. But you will have to handle her reaction to that.

Work on becoming: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. Set firm boundaries and enforce them. From there, judge her response. IF she is workable, consider continuing to work on the marriage. IF she is not workable, consider can you suffer through life with her or should you terminate.

Here's some comedy to break up the above - The Life Cycle of Most Married Men:

- https://youtu.be/T\_12IOz7pOA

BaldieGoose · 2023-07-22T15:54:56+00:00

Bro go ahead and serve her papers. Mine was exactly like this and I regret how many years I put up with it until she decided to run off with another guy and serve me instead and leave me with all the duties.

Due-Ad4708 · 2023-07-22T10:14:25+00:00

I want to say that It wasn't me who wrote this post. Although it is my life story, it wasn't me. My story ends up when my ex-wife left me after 20 years. I felt so stupid. She has never done anything for me, and I have always held on when I should have quitted 10 years ago. Don't waste your time and leave her as soon as possible. This kind of people are accustomed to taking everything and don't give anything in return, when they consider that you don't have anymore to give, they leave you.

No_Analyst_5235 · 2023-07-22T11:16:21+00:00

You’re being manipulated .. get out fast

wisstinks4 · 2023-07-22T13:58:16+00:00

OP, I feel terrible for you. This sounds like a slave master situation, where you’re at the master and slave at the same time. She better be really really good in bed. This is not an equally balanced relationship. Therefore, I recommend you put her off to the side of the road and keep on moving. she’s lazy and sloppy and knows that you to everything. If you’re not getting therapy, your therapist will tell you to start making her carrier weight. Take care of your children and yourself.

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AudreyTooTwo · 2023-07-22T19:18:49+00:00

Wow, what a mess. Sympathies. Like a lot of men here, I can relate to some of this. Not all, but some. Definitely can understand how stress and mental health can contribute to a decline in physical health. At least you recognize it.

I'm not a lawyer or a coach or a counselor. But the only thing I can suggest is perhaps make a list of what you want/need on a six-week timeframe, then again on a six-month timeframe, and again for 12 months or 16 months, whatever. Make a list of pros/cons/thoughts/demands/boundaries/accomplishments and so on. I'm thinking of the joke about how to eat an elephant (one small piece at a time). I understand how, when it's overwhelming, you don't know where to start. So, maybe if you have a six-week (or even a six-day!) list in front of you, you'll know what to do.

Again, I'm hardly an expert on boundaries, but her reactions WILL NEVER GET BETTER on their own. You need to establish some hard boundaries, communicate with her, and then move forward. If she threatens, call her bluff. Example: (just one possible idea) By week six, you'll join a gym and lose 10 pounds. Just one idea. She'll no doubt try to block and interfere, but push forward. Tell your doctor you want to be off meds in six months and you want to use diet & exercise to treat your problems, or whatever.

Somewhere on your list, a visit to a lawyer. When you hire a lawyer, be sure they're aware of your demands/wants/needs (e.g. 50/50 custody, or the kids will live in a certain school zone, or whatever). Before you spend money on a lawyer, decide for yourself what's important. Write it down.

At some point, she will freak out. Just be cool and be prepared. I can share one story: My ex and I lived in a large house. She wasn't quite a hoarder, but she was a bit of a pack rat. She saved lots of 'things' she meant to work on later (e.g. old furniture that needed restoration, abandoned hobbies, old art supplies, it was all a disorganized mess cluttering our storage areas). Well, one day, we had to move into a small place. Long story, but it was clear we needed to sort-out all the clutter. She was like a deer frozen in the headlights. She wouldn't help, she wouldn't even give me direction on what to save and what to toss; it's like she was in total denial. She knew the facts, but refused to acknowledge them.

Finally, I just started throwing things away. At first, I had to do it when she wasn't looking. But eventually she noticed the old junk furniture that she NEVER restored was missing. She flipped her shit. But you know what? Someone needed to be in charge. Someone needed to make the tough decisions. She can cry all she wants, but she had every opportunity to be involved. Just keep that in mind. You need to clean your house, figuratively and literally. Give her the chance to cooperate, but move on without her, and ignore her cries.

If I were nearby, I'd buy you a beer. I know it sucks. Been there. Good luck, brother. Go find a notebook. Write down where you want to be in 12 months. Read it every day.

be_your_own_way · 2023-07-22T07:18:06+00:00

Help yourself. It’s not going to get better unless a force of ‘nature’ occurs. Every day that you sit on your hands, the more alimony she will get. The more assets she will split. You will get fatter, unhappier, and sadder. Sorry this happened. The children’s time will be split, but you can’t set bad examples.

Long-Review-1861 · 2023-07-22T09:27:07+00:00

This woman is definitely a cluster b, probably a borderline or covert narc

Justforlaughs666 · 2023-07-22T07:07:11+00:00

To me it sounds like she has some mental issue which might require treatment.
Have you suggested talking to a physician about what her issues are?

upfnothing · 2023-07-22T12:39:51+00:00

I normally don’t get on the dudes here cause many of us have been through hell. Most women aren’t worth a dam.

This time I’m going to say something different. OP you are coming across as an entitled scumbag. You have a horrific and ungrateful personality. Just reading your commentary depresses me. If reading about your mindset frustrates or depresses me I can’t even imagine her or any woman that’s married to you.

Your complaining about stuff that you can change on the flick of a finger. Total ownership, stoicism whatever it is find it.

How can she be so useless? My former brother in laws dad cared for his wife who slowly died of a degenerative disease fora decade. How he dutifully lifted her out of her chair and helped/handled her basic needs. Where is your character?

Cleaning really? Fire the weekly cleaner. I work hiring and firing corporate cleaners. They cut corners all of the time to make time. Trim that to a monthly visit and properly finalize the clean. Get a list and check it they don’t leave or get rehired till done. Hire a cleaner to do a deep clean every 3 months, schedule like clockwork. You’re blaming her when it’s the damn company that’s letting you down. Every house function gets automated, stop whining. It’s called being a man. It’s your job as a man to get that sorted filters every quarter, batteries every year etc.

Passport was expired? Why didn’t you follow up on that before booking or immediately after booking. Change your mindset.

Your fat and not in shape is your fault. How is you putting extra calories in your mouth and not working out some else’s fault? Tell me?

Her job is to cheer you on and regularly fuck you. Your job is to be Gibraltar. You sound like a woman who is looking for reasons to cheat on her partner. To justify her betrayal.

Hack3rDr3w · 2023-07-22T21:42:00+00:00

Your have awakened.

No-Exit6560 · 2023-07-23T01:33:14+00:00

Jesus man, leave her useless ass here and fly out with your kids and enjoy your time with your parents then file when you get back at the appropriate time after you speak to a lawyer.

Bipolar_investor · 2023-07-23T02:03:17+00:00

Dude, I read the top 30%, and I can't help but come here to blame YOU

yeldellmedia · 2023-07-23T02:34:14+00:00

Life is short…make peace with your decision and file for divorce…reclaim your happiness and enjoy your life with your children and family

HODLMEPLS · 2023-07-23T16:18:22+00:00

Start researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder she has those traits. The need to control. The criticism. Etc. grey rock and yellow rock. Talk to a lawyer Re custody if you can get primary. Good luck stay strong.

Vulgrim6835 · 2023-07-23T16:34:49+00:00

I am so so glad I’m gay! I can’t thank you enough for steeling my resolve to never play the straight game ever again! Due to where I live, I can’t live my romantic life openly, though thankfully I don’t have to put up with rainbow flags and other woke shit either. Still I had to pretend I was straight for years and I’ve been exceptionally miserable during that time! My boyfriend had to get married 3 times and they were all demons from hell! I have married friends and not one of them is happy!

XxJustadudexX · 2023-07-23T22:11:56+00:00

Dude, did you marry my wife too?

Hyper dependent on others, her parents and then me, same thin skinned can’t make jokes, no initiative, no hobbies, etc. Super useless. She would be my ex wife right now if she weren’t still dragging it out trying to steal my daughter

RideATX · 2023-07-24T16:33:50+00:00

She doesn't respect you because you don't check her behavior. Blow it up, have a come to Jesus meeting and let her know things are going to change or you are gone. Be a rock and don't fall for her emotional manipulation. Good Luck.

Title	Married to incompetence
Author	marriedtoanidiot4776
Upvotes	53
Comments	72
Date	July 22, 2023 6:47 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/156cltf/married_to_incompetence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/married-to-incompetence.1226053 https://theredarchive.com/post/1226053

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