Would you fix it if you could?

Narrow-Pop8696 · 2026-05-09T03:20:06+00:00

Similiar to others, there's been a lot said and done they have decimated everything. You can't just undo that easily.

Women are driven by feelings, not by logic. When will her feelings change again? It's a massive risk tbh. Is the risk worth taking for 5 kids? I'd say maybe. But, the only real way it would ever work is if you both undergo relationship training (do's, dont's, needs, communication style, love language etc) AND if a 3rd party is involved (i.e. coach/mediator/therapist). The 3rd party is there to guide and act as an escalation point. Similiar to a court room judge who has the final say. It's the only way to keep both parties accountable because when conflict is unable to be dealt with or needs are not being met, the 3rd party intervenes.

ClippedWinng · 2026-05-08T23:47:48+00:00

If I had a chance to "fix it" I would not because there's nothing to fix. Her deciding to end it was the lesson I needed to learn and I don't need to learn it twice. Right now we are pretty much no contact except when we have to discuss the kids. I prefer it that way. I'm working on myself, my life, and having a good time doing.

Ok_Business5507 · 2026-05-08T21:34:10+00:00

I would in a heartbeat if I could. Sadly I am sure I’ll never get the chance.

twiggyRamirez11 · 2026-05-08T17:59:31+00:00

Most people here might say it is worthless but if you feel like that, speak to your wife and even write down the “rules”before you move back in, I strongly recommend couples therapy, only if the two of you want to work things out. My biggest regret is not to be 100% for my baby girl, for all the other I feel better

darmitage55 · 2026-05-08T17:28:10+00:00

Five kids is no small thing. If you've both actually grown and you mean it, that's not moving backwards. That's rare.

Only question that matters: is it genuinely better for them, or just familiar? Those aren't the same thing. Trust your gut on that one.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2026-05-08T16:36:22+00:00

If you are both putting in the work and both willing to put your family first, then I would say yes, go for it.

TheSteveSteward · 2026-05-08T13:53:40+00:00

No one can tell you the "right" answer without more information. There probably isn't a right answer even with all the information. You'll make a choice, and live with the consequences. Are you open to saying more? What led to the separation? What growth has happened, in you and in her? Aside from the kids, what are your feelings about your wife? When you think about going back, what is your immediate emotional reaction?

AdequatelyfunBoi2 · 2026-05-08T13:44:33+00:00

Well, it depends on whether you’re both going to be working on repairing what was broken. If only one person is making the effort, it’s doomed no matter how much growth you’ve achieved.

FirelineJake · 2026-05-08T13:42:19+00:00

2 years of actual growth, five kids, and you both want to try, that's not moving backwards, but rather doing the work most people skip. Just make sure you're reconciling the people you are now, not trying to revive what didn't work before.

ShaunyP_OKC · 2026-05-08T13:19:03+00:00

Does she want to work it out? You can't make her love you or work it out if she doesn't want to. A 2 year separation just seems like you both are just avoiding the obvious to me.

EmbarrassedAge7612 · 2026-05-08T13:03:34+00:00

I alway use my parents as an example. They were married 30 years and mostly miserable the entire time. They divorced and it was a bitter drawn out battle.

During their divorce we kids started getting married and having kids of our own. So after a few years of having to have separate holidays, the grandparents decided to play nice for the sake of their grandchildren.

About 6 year post divorce they started taking short trips with the grandchildren to the zoo or something else fun. These trips extended into mini vacations and eventually long vacations. It got to the point where they weren’t even taking the grandchildren anymore.

10 years post divorce they announced they were getting remarried. They’ve grown and understand why things didn’t work. They asked all us kids for our blessing. I reluctantly gave it with the addendum that I get to say I told you so when things get tough. I was not well liked for that.

They get married and within 3 months they’re fighting like they used to. Grandkids don’t get to go visit because the grandparents are back to being miserable. For that short time that they got along, it was because they had separate living spaces.

They separated and healed and thought it would get better but those old wounds come creeping back. Sometimes stronger than before. Separation is that point of no return. It’s where things have gone beyond repair and there’s no turning back. It’s better to just learn to function separately and do things together than return to misery. I don’t know the statistics but most couples don’t make it work if they try again in my experience.

ProofConnect6521 · 2026-05-08T12:27:15+00:00

There is no “fixing” it

UnknownUsername113 · 2026-05-08T11:48:41+00:00

Nope

Impossible-Alarm-336 · 2026-05-08T11:40:46+00:00

At this point I don’t think I would. She said and did things that were always a deal breaker for me, and she felt justified saying and doing those things. No accountability and no apology to me or our kids.

Several-Eagle4141 · 2026-05-08T11:30:02+00:00

You mean somehow make her want to be with me? Make he not selfish and totally self-serving? Sure. I’d love to have that magic wand

Minimum_Step5048 · 2026-05-08T11:15:32+00:00

It’s probably not salvageable. I feel like men can change their minds and go back to a marriage sometimes, but women once they are checked out emotionally are just gone. They may choose to stay, she may even want you back, but the romantic connection you once had is just gone now.

Unless of course you start making a shitload of money… (not joking)

Sad-Interaction2819 · 2026-05-08T11:13:22+00:00

I don’t think I would fix it if it were possible. We are doing it amicably and even using the same lawyer.

She has completely moved out, we still talk occasionally, but there isn’t anything left. I’m satisfied with it all.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2026-05-08T09:10:30+00:00

The ball is always in their court to fix things. If they are done, they are done, getting back together on their initiative is almost always due to necessity, not out of love.

akihonj · 2026-05-08T08:10:54+00:00

You say you have the chance to fix it, what exactly do you mean by that.

Do you mean she comes over and suggested that you both try again

Do you mean you've been in therapy, she spotted some changed she liked and has stayed single the whole time and wants to see if things can work out.

I'm asking because for every guy I know in your situation there's always an ex-wife behind it who hit the dating market thinking she's going to land a gold mine only to find out she dug up shit.

It's a numbers game, she said, then went through the numbers, she got used, pumped and dumped, she got played by the latest chad thundercock who said from the jump he's not getting married again, she thought she was special and could change his mind only to find she wasn't the only one just one of a bunch who thought they could change his mind.

She looks in the mirror and every morning that wrinkle deepens and she's sure as he'll a few more have shown up overnight and it's now a good thing most bars have dim lighting because the initial attention she got has dried up.

There's always the old safety net and if she can speak the right words in the right way at the right time at the right noise level she'll have that net back in place.

So I ask again what do you mean by have the chance to fix it, because if you've read through what I wrote here then you ain't fixing shit, what you will be doing is stepping back into a soup you once got out of because she ain't coming back for love, she's coming back for comfort, security, safety but yours, well yours won't even be a consideration and why would she, you're just a utility to her.

antouzzz · 2026-05-08T06:55:58+00:00

I would for my kids But it depends whats been said. My wife has said things that cant be forgoten or taken away now.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-05-08T05:49:29+00:00

You have both grown? Can you elaborate, because some people don't change that easily and fall back to old patterns pretty quickly. Unless you both have done the same amount of work on all your issues and have taken accountability for the past, I am unsure but like other said, both need to want to make it work and actually work on the issues because they won't just dissapear.

AggieDan1996 · 2026-05-08T04:24:48+00:00

It is my firm belief that anything can be fixed. But, you have to both find the right reasons. You also have to both get into a mindset of moving forward. Forgive and forget.... Of course, you'll never really forget. But, holding a grudge and such is just going to get you right back here.

Up until the day the divorce happened I'd have taken her back. Once that divorce was final, I took off my ring.

I've since remarried. She's since divorced again. And she's been a royal pain in the ass. So, at this point? Hell no.

My new marriage takes work. All relationships take work. Some take more than others.

steak-raspberry · 2026-05-08T04:16:11+00:00

If you still love her then I would say you’re moving forwards, but is she going to do what’s needed to bring your family back together too?

1millionBURNINGsuns · 2026-05-08T04:15:31+00:00

There’s no categorically good or proper divorce or reunification. It depends. I feel that many of us feel great being divorced from a situation or behaviors by a person who has been unwilling or incapable of change. If you two are capable of change that’s amazing. Much love! It’s not necessarily an inherently better life if you stay married. Marriage is not magic healthy happiness sauce for anyone AND it can be a great starting place to build a healthy stable life.

Love, and stability and peace and emotional health for you and your kids is available via many different paths. Knowledge and understanding about where you’re going and who else is driving is what’s important.

Title	Would you fix it if you could?
Author	BlaqueBoye
Upvotes	3
Comments	31
Date	May 8, 2026 4:04 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1t6wzd4/would_you_fix_it_if_you_could/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/would-you-fix-it-if-you-could.1579865 https://theredarchive.com/post/1579865

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