Don't let your ego play you

circescircus · 2020-07-18T13:50:43+00:00

Yup. It has almost nothing to do with you, and almost everything to do with how accessible you are to them and how lonely/horny/bored they are. When they do this just translate the BS they're saying to "me, me, ME, muh dick, me, me, me, muh dick".

azngirl7689 · 2020-07-18T14:06:30+00:00

Or for a hookup or sexting or something. If it’s not a friendly conversation that leads to a date or at least just a friendly normal conversation, his dick is texting you.

bluegemwalruscamp · 2020-07-18T14:02:18+00:00

99.999% of the time they’re just breadcrumbing you. Been there, done that. Definitely a big waste of time

RobberBridalDesigns · 2020-07-18T15:42:44+00:00

Something similar happened to me. This man reached out and asked if he could call me to apologize and I let him. He was all self reflection and true remorse and then showed up and was really supportive in a tough time I was going through. Basically asking permission to try and make it up to me and then seemingly following through on it, asking me if he could ask me for a date when I felt ready. It really seemed headed in the right direction. Then one day when he had made plans to get together and flaked, I called him out on it and he completely shut down and wouldn’t speak to me. A week later, he texted to say he realized we weren’t right for each other and he can’t talk to me anymore. Moral of the story, if you can be the same person who takes shit off him then you might squeeze a few more months out of it later, but you’re probably not going to be able to change the dynamic of him getting an ego boost from your continued interest in maintaining him in your life while putting in the minimum of effort. That pattern is set. He might be able to make real changes in a fresh relationship with someone else and I wish him well in that endeavor but not with me. Part of what a man who “comes back” likes about you is your malleability to his patterns of behavior because it’s enjoyable to avoid being responsible for evidencing change while still getting credit for it. Wish I’d known that then and I could have spared myself another round of disappointment.

May-rah10 · 2020-07-18T17:20:44+00:00

I can confirm that this is true. A guy I really liked ghosted me a few years ago after love bombing me and him giving me false sense of our “future.” I was extremely hurt, especially since I had never been ghosted before. Then, 6 months later, he texted me and apologized, he said that he “realized that he lost an amazing woman,” that he wanted to do things “right” by me and he practically begged me for another chance. I (stupidly) went on a date with him. He took me to dinner and a movie. Then afterwards he wanted to get physical in my car. I refused because I still didn’t trust him. All we did was kiss. He told me to text him when I got home so I did. Never heard from him again. I ended up deleting his number a month afterwards (this was way before I found FDS.) Never let a man creep his way back to you, it never ends well for us women!

_AnnairdA_ · 2020-07-18T14:32:31+00:00

My ex was triangulating me and his other ex for months and I got tired of it. The whole thing was extremely stupid. I told his other ex this and that he was using us, that he was talking to us because he was bored, wanted extra drama in his life and that we should stop talking to him, but she just told me that she knew what she what she was doing and proceeded to get a huge attitude🙄(AKA she's just talking to him to spite me and make herself feel better). I cut him off and stopped speaking to her.

She's convincing herself that he cares about her and never cared about me, which is really pathetic. They can keep the trauma bonding over there because no one has time for that.I really don't give advice to a lot of women anymore because most of them are internally misogynistic and petty.

hilariouslystated · 2020-07-18T14:44:26+00:00

Yep. This is why block and delete is so effective. You don't even leave the door open for them to try to come back after 8 months and put you through the same crap.

missliberia · 2020-07-18T17:47:42+00:00

This is so true. All these pieces of shit who have texted to see if I'm ok during this pandemic... All the folks who wanna wish you happy birthday when they didn't give a fuck about your birthday when you were with them. I just cannot with scrotes.

Wiggy_Bop · 2020-07-18T15:58:27+00:00

All men feel that once they have sex with you they can come back anytime they want, like you’ve been waiting for them. 😒

msromperstomper · 2020-07-18T19:51:42+00:00

The amazing Nat Lue talks about this over at Baggage Reclaim. She calls it pressing the reset button. They always come back, but never want to address any of the problems that led to the break up in the first place. Instead they want to press the reset button and go back to the time before all their fuckery ensued. Classic LVM/fuckboy behavior. I’ve taken too many rides on that merry go round.

2020-07-18T12:46:10+00:00

Yes!! This is why I tell all the girls and women in my life that once it's over, block and delete and do NOT respond if they find a way to reach out.

quietmirth · 2020-07-18T16:15:38+00:00

Or when things with their new girl aren’t going smooth. I can’t even count how many married men come crawling to me for an ego boost. Not today hairy satan.

bunnyQatar · 2020-07-18T18:49:17+00:00

This is something I learned after having three children (two make up babies) with my ex husband. He cheated during our entire relationship and I suppose a few times I was even the “other woman” to whomever he was conning. I thought that it meant we were meant to be when he kept coming back. I’ve moved on THANKFULLY, and so has he. Right on to the next victim.

ms_monquis · 2020-07-18T13:08:38+00:00

[deleted]

Killer_Bhree · 2020-07-18T18:38:07+00:00

Can confirm; an ex actually admitted this to me 😡

BWKitteh · 2020-07-19T00:20:23+00:00

Any guy that meets you at one point in life, whether it be your worst or best, will probably always remember you that way. So no matter how much you have changed, levelled up or moved on, he will always come at you thinking you are the same he remembers you. So it is your job, always, to tell him that you have indeed levelled up and that his sorry ass can't touch your queen energy.

2020-07-18T18:52:16+00:00

After the end of one of my relationships (he ended it after months of triangulation, etc.), the ex in question would go past the front door of my workplace *every morning*. The front door was glass and so was the inner door so he could see straight through to me sitting on my chair. He would look through and stare at me. I was young and naive enough to think that he cared about me. Nope. He just liked the manipulation and control.

lessabe · 2020-07-18T18:14:06+00:00

I call that a resurrecting dude from the dead. Ignoring, texting “who is this?” And letting them explain themselves and then ignoring, or bailing last minute on plans (if you can actually follow through) are the best responses

redpeithos · 2020-07-18T15:28:39+00:00

I blocked this boy's LVM ass on all social media, and then he still had the audacity to try and reach out to me on my university's anonymous relationships confession page. This was after he told me that he would explore "dating" other people in the second year of uni.

...Clearly his attempts to lure other womyn and men didn't work out.

ElegantCategory · 2020-07-18T15:26:48+00:00

Thank you for the reminder👑

2020-07-18T16:00:01+00:00

[deleted]

MusingChaos · 2020-07-18T15:34:14+00:00

Thanks for this. Needed the reminder. A guy I went out with years ago, and who had broken up with me when I thought things were going really well, randomly pops up every couple of years. I blocked his original number but he must have my number saved somewhere.

He’s done this twice already and I block and delete but I have screenshots and had sent them to my friend. It’s the same message that we dated a couple of years ago, he happened across me somehow and wanted to see if I wanted to hang out. Last time I did respond to him that since he was the one to break up with me last time and I had changed in the successive years I don’t think it’s a good idea.

Not sure if he’s just bored or trying to “get me” again. But his number has been blocked again and deleted the messages. I’ve been around long enough to not want to be the second choice when the guy is bored and wants a fallback.

GladArugula · 2020-07-18T17:18:18+00:00

Guys would do this to me. But not guys I dated. Guys I would have crushes on long ago. Like in high school or college I would like these guys and I guess they would know but just not act on it or string me along. We would be just be friends, but nothing more.

And then years later I would get messages from them seeing if I was interested. I wasn't, lmao. Like I think they truly believed I was sitting around still pining away for them. I was not...I was living my own life not giving them a single thought.

sunset_sunshine30 · 2020-07-18T22:50:37+00:00

Yap! I had a date with a guy 3 years ago. He was a fuckboy who just wanted to mess me around so I told him he was a user and deleted him.

Just this week I saw he looked me up on linkedin. This dude has since married someone else and is still looking me up on linkedin instead of facebook. Just shocking behaviour. Before last week I couldn't tell you his first name let alone his second and he remembered my name.

Its beyond pathetic what these guys will do to have their ego stroked.

ariesgalxo · 2020-07-19T00:46:11+00:00

I’ve been that person before lmao. Reeled my ex back in. It’s not worth it for either party, you know they’re not right for you. It wasn’t an ego thing in my case, but I’ve definitely hit a couple former flames up in the past. Not anymore though.

breadandbunny · 2020-07-19T05:34:29+00:00

It's a narc thing. They need backup supply.

passionatevirtuoso · 2020-07-18T14:48:23+00:00

Knowing that it is rare AF, what are the signs that they are coming back for non-ego reasons?

Here is a rare exception to the rule that night explain my question.

I did have an ex make a full, complete apology, unprompted, months after. That is he did something bad, I faded without breaking down why (I decided he wasn't a 'good guy'), and he came back after having done reflection, realized precisely what he did wrong, was able to explain how that likely made me feel, why it was wrong and apologized without making excuses. I didn't have to do any emotional labor or handhold him and he wasn't begging me to forgive him (to make himself feel absolved). It was just a proper apology.

He wanted to be friends and followed through with that, never asked me out, never made a move, respected all boundaries etc for the following six months, despite me saying things like 'If we are going to be friends, you need to be Ok with me talking about the fact I am dating,' (though I never went in-depth about it girl-talk style because I wanted to keep that boundary up). Basically, he did everything right.

(I eventually realized we weren't compatible as friends, even though he was a decent guy - our values/hobbies didn't really match, so after several hangouts, we both let it go.)

For me, one 'green light' sign is a full complete mature apology that is non-performative, basically it has to meet ALL criteria for a proper self-aware, mature apology (this is Google able), PLUS perfect follow-through... but there must be other signs?

What do you think?

triniboss1996 · 2020-07-18T15:58:38+00:00

I needed this

somberprincess · 2020-07-18T16:12:50+00:00

Wow.. I’ve never thought of it like this. I swear FDS is a daily eye opener. I love it.

sushiwalrus · 2020-07-19T01:41:00+00:00

That’s why you have to reject them so hard when they do this so they never try again 💕

Newwavesupport3657 · 2020-07-19T01:48:32+00:00

I’ve experienced this. Was infuriating. We didn’t speak for a year and he came back to ask me out on a group date with my friends. Probably so to anyone else he could say we were just friends hanging out.

I found out he had a gf.

He later felt bad and then yellow bellied had my friend text me and said “it would’ve worked out, she just didn’t talk to me.” Ummm you didn’t make an effort for an entire year and it left I’m uncertain terms. I assumed we were over and was hoping to move on. I ignored those red flags.

And he thought I was mad cause he had a gf?? No. Grfo yourself dude. If anything, I’m angry in her behalf!! How would she feel?! I’m pissed off that you LIED TO ME!

We were teenagers so whatever, but I use to send him mixed signals and did hold bacj... cause behind the scenes, my father threatened me. I was scared, never intended to cause hurt though, and never lied.

I was livid. He assumed I was hurt for the same reasons he was which infuriated me too; get. Over. Yourself. I’m great, ofc it “would’ve worked out” I don’t need “reassurance” I’m still desirable.

Asshole.

(Rant lol)

He thought I felt unwanted... and was trying to “reassure me” that aspect was so narcissistic and insulting. Get. Over. Yourself.

Darkmatter_777 · 2020-07-18T19:58:28+00:00

Really needed to see this today. Love FDS! <3

Solid-Liquid · 2020-07-19T13:29:10+00:00

My ex reached out in 2016 because he wanted to apologize and try again after he treated me like shit in high school.

3 years later...🤡🤡🤡

sweatydeath · 2020-07-18T20:38:38+00:00

[removed]

Title	Don't let your ego play you
Author	Callie-jay
Upvotes	2527
Comments	96
Date	July 18, 2020 12:35 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/htfwm4/dont_let_your_ego_play_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-let-your-ego-play-you.714902 https://theredarchive.com/post/714902

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