Realizing that I’m lean towards having an avoidant attachment style after being hurt so bad by past relationships....how should I attempt to date if I’m too scared of being hurt?

missgirl649 · 2021-02-04T02:29:01+00:00

I used to be very anxious, but I think more now avoidant. At least in terms of how I feel towards men and dating generally.

Jnbntthrwy · 2021-02-04T00:22:29+00:00

I’m avoidant. But what does “performative self-concept” mean?

gingerwabisabi · 2021-02-04T00:45:52+00:00

I would suggest working on your self confidence, self love, and attachment style with friends and family first. This will also almost inevitably entail lowering contact/cutting off contact with people you realize are not healthy to be around - it's not just about your "issues," it's about not letting more "poison" into your life and it's hard work to start recognizing these things and challenging yourself when appropriate. If you then decide you want to date, you will know when you are ready.

_o0-O-0o_ · 2021-02-04T03:16:04+00:00

Definitely fearful, with some aspects of avoidant.

kimjongchill796 · 2021-02-04T05:50:39+00:00

I’m avoidant/secure and honestly love it.

Anxious attachment style sounds miserable tbh.

weekend111 · 2021-02-04T01:50:31+00:00

Definitely anxious :/

Twolipz_78 · 2021-02-04T01:58:40+00:00

I am anxious myself and found a group on FB that helps me out in at least trying to figure out and navigate the dating swamp, I mean “pool”. I could give you the info through PM if you want since I don’t know if I am suggest it on here.

jentheleo · 2021-02-04T11:40:29+00:00

I would say I have elements of all of them. COMBOOOO. Lucky me.

They all have their benefits though. I love my self-reliance, but working on my misanthropy. Idealizing others/craving intimacy can be pleasant (as long as not acted upon, I have that locked down, but it's nice to have dreamy fantasies as respite from misanthropy and then ground mysel). Fearing intimacy is a great filter, I have never been wrong with a red flag since this. Trust instinct. Don't allow self-preservation to be labelled as some messed up "attachment style", so much subtle misogyny in psychology. The "gift of fear", ladies.

Fluctuating self-concept leads to introspection and self-improvement. I could go on, but don't just view "secure" as good and the rest as a fail

Anxious/fearful sucks most of the time, but it has bonuses.

Mella_20 · 2021-02-04T07:25:05+00:00

Dang, I'm avoidant. Used to be anxious. Working on becoming secure 👍

I heard of something called "disorganized attachment" which described me perfectly. It means you go to the same people who hurt you for comfort. So if you grew up with bad parents who still manage to make you dependent on them, you might repeat this with a partner.

astrophylite · 2021-02-04T15:13:30+00:00

I've read that there is a spectrum of attachment style, which goes from Secure attachment at one end, with Avoidant at the other, and Anxious in between, like this:

[ Secure - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Anxious - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Avoidant ]

They say you need to pass through Anxious to get to Secure (the healthiest state). Fearful is also known as 'disorganized' which means it's harder to place but it's somewhere around avoidant because it's another type of avoidance. Actually, anxious, fearful and avoidant are all to some degree intimacy-avoidant, despite it being counter-intuitive with the anxious style.

Avoidant is the darkest place to be with the most trauma to work through. Anxious is painful but closer to the healthy Secure state. Any style to the right of Secure is a long and difficult process to change that cannot really be done without an experienced therapist.

This chart is a bit pop-psychy and not fully accurate––although the Anxious person believes they crave intimacy, they actually fear and run from it. Also too, the Anxious starts conflicts as a test. I encourage you to read Attached and especially Stan Tatkin's books––they really go in depth and explain the well-studied theories behind this.

AwkwardDisaster4150 · 2021-02-04T21:55:42+00:00

I was anxious and then after being treated like garbage by avoidants for so long I became fearful and the only way I was able to heal it was to stop dating anyone who wasn’t secure. Like I had to get guys by whether they had a secure attachment style and then drop them immediately if I realized they didn’t.

Davina33 · 2021-02-04T12:22:07+00:00

I'm a mixture between anxious and secure.

greatmanatee2 · 2021-02-04T14:34:47+00:00

I went from anxious to fearful/avoidant depending on the day lol

2021-02-04T10:09:03+00:00

Avoidant right here. I’ve been like this since a teen and only have gotten worse...

nymphaetamine · 2021-02-04T13:00:10+00:00

Formerly very anxious, now a solid mix of avoidant and secure. I've learned many times over that the only person I can ever truly trust or rely on is myself, but I still enjoy friendships, social support, and I value myself regardless of achievements.

2021-02-04T16:01:29+00:00

Don't date until you are 100% ready!!! If there's small doubt don't do it! There's so much trash out there. Focus on your progress

dogfart4 · 2021-02-04T16:29:33+00:00

I’m definitely mostly secure with a leaning towards avoidant when things get challenging. I used to be anxious and need reassurance when things were challenging or unsure (in a relationship especially) but since my divorce, I feel myself leaning towards “this isn’t worth my energy”

pennypennypen · 2021-02-04T16:19:21+00:00

Oohh I was fearful but now checked almost of the Secure style. Thanks to FDS that’s why!

AriaLuz · 2021-02-04T19:57:17+00:00

Avoidant. I’ve always been avoidant.

theboringpianist · 2021-02-04T20:06:17+00:00

I realized I have symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (similar to avoidant / secure mix - likely because I was adopted). What helped me was talking through it and understanding it all myself. For example, what experiences in my past have caused me to want to run / attach etc.

Knowing it myself, I am able to explain it to others if I so choose (and if it is worth it). My SO fully understands why I want to withdraw or run too which makes me relieved.

papanezismysaviour · 2021-02-05T10:31:15+00:00

Used to be avoidant for most of my younger years, then fearful/anxious in my 20s. I'm avoidant again, a bit more secure.

_tinyimp · 2021-02-06T06:11:57+00:00

Your attachment style is going to be rooted in how your parents modeled their relationship to you. I would start by digging deep into your childhood and how your parents’ relationship may have influenced your dating choices. Then think about which partners brought out the worst avoidance versus your most secure relationship. For example, I am fearful attachment style, and have always found myself wanting avoidant men. This is like, the worst combination in the world and brought out the worst in me. So now I have this sixth sense of jfc I need to stay away from this man. I have only dated one secure man ever, and it was honestly smooth riding because he put up with my bs. Then I got bored lol rip fearful attachment

You would want to 1) avoid any attachment style except secure, MAYBE allow tolerable anxious men. 2) Vet the men you’re interested in by learning about their family dynamics FAST!! If they have even a slightly off childhood, you could be risking dating an avoidant of fearful man. Remember that something as common as divorce is actually considered childhood trauma, so if they have divorced parents stay alert. 3) Watch this guy’s videos!! https://youtu.be/_KjDbcNXSoE

coldfoot23 · 2021-02-04T00:53:13+00:00

Unfortunately avoidant :/

Title	Realizing that I’m lean towards having an avoidant attachment style after being hurt so bad by past relationships....how should I attempt to date if I’m too scared of being hurt?
Author	jentheleo
Upvotes	160
Comments	47
Date	February 3, 2021 11:58 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lc25it/realizing_that_im_lean_towards_having_an_avoidant/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/realizing-that-im-lean-towards-having-an-avoidant.740459 https://theredarchive.com/post/740459

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