Settling because you want kids

Candid_Check_4843 · 2021-05-17T16:52:48+00:00

Yes, it's so important to decouple your desire for children from your desire to find a man who deserves you! You absolutely do not need to have a man in your life in order to have children. Protect your womb from low-value men because pregnancy and childbirth and post-childbirth pose significant risks to you and your body. If you're going to go through so much risk to have a child, you might as well make sure that you are giving your child strong desirable genes by using a sperm donor or finding a high-value man. (To me, "high-value man" means intelligent, good-looking, respectful, empathetic, kind, motivated etc.)

I'm really attracted to the idea of becoming a single mother by choice (smbc) by using a sperm donor, and will probably go this route if I haven't found a man who deserves me by my late-20s.

PinturaMagnifica · 2021-05-17T17:22:55+00:00

I’d rather adopt an older kid instead of putting my body through the stress of carrying a child, being tied to a LVM or NVM dead beat father, astronomical medical bills, doctor appointments, sleepless nights alone, etc.

There’s kids being abused & traumatized by the system who would have an amazing life if someone caring and financially responsible took them in. No judgement on women who want sperm donors. Who knows what they’re getting though.

radsera99 · 2021-05-17T17:20:42+00:00

Never, ever EVER settle. Especially when kids are going to be involved. Women are at their most vulnerable when pregnant and giving birth. It is also the time when men decide to be the biggest assholes. Not worth it. Never has, never will be.

gigi_chi · 2021-05-17T16:43:07+00:00

The thought of using a sperm donor makes me uncomfortable, so I wouldn’t do it.

SecretlySignSilver · 2021-05-17T17:24:06+00:00

I think this is wonderful, I would absolutely cheer on a SMBC. How many children nowadays and in the past have been raised by just their grandmothers? How many women have had to raise children with ZVM,LVM who contribute nothing? How many women have been beaten and abused , their children beaten and abused by men they are in a relationship with? How many divorces ended up with the men choosing to have nothing to do with their children after the separation?

I do believe it takes take a village to raise a child but that doesn't necessarily include the biological father. Women tend to have greater access to community like other mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers, etc. that would be other great role models for a child of any sex.

I have always wanted to adopt and I will do that regardless of having a man in my life. I can be a mother to many children at whatever age I choose to adopt. It's empowering!

Chickpea16 · 2021-05-17T17:38:10+00:00

There is a certain subreddit on here that moms use to vent and the ones about how horrible and useless their husbands are truly inspire terror at the prospect of having children with a man. Some of these women have truly ruined their lives by having children with abusive lvm and are in heartbreaking situations that will be very hard to leave, financially speaking.

cmny062000 · 2021-05-17T17:14:59+00:00

This idea of becoming a smbc is on the table.

As is fostering, adopting or being the cool childfree auntie.

PS: the reason men hate goodlooking, attractive women 40+ who reject them the most above any other age group is because they can not dangle that stupid carrot of potential "I mAke U bAbY" in front of their faces anymore.

No more leverage left for them = no more justifying shitty man behavior.

Oh no. 😢

HVM love matured, slamming hot women in their 30s and 40s.

EclecticBarbarella · 2021-05-17T16:39:47+00:00

Easier to have one child than to have one child plus a grown male one. I do think it can be beneficial for children to have both parents model healthy behavior but realistically, most parents aren’t in a healthy relationship and I think it’s more detrimental to have a crappy dad than no dad at all.

lifesok · 2021-05-17T17:30:00+00:00

I am currently toying with the idea of adopting. I’m single, 35, and 90% convinced that these thoughts are coming from hormones related to my age.

the idea of having a guy to raise a child with actually hadn’t crossed my mind until a friend asked. After thinking about it, at worst, bringing a child into my home would only increase my standards and scrutiny towards men.

RainbowOfKirby · 2021-05-17T17:52:46+00:00

I've come to the decision that when I get to the point of my life where I can raise a child with their needs being met (financially stable, physically stable, mentally stable), I'd want to look into artificial insemination. A lot of men, if not all men, suck and they only want to bump uglies with you before swanning off and bumping uglies with another person.

As such, I'm accepting the fact that it's okay to not have a relationship. I do want children, and the biggest dilemma now is biological or adopt. The environment is a hot mess; the misogyny and pressure they put on women is a hot mess; and the rampant, unchecked porn use is a hot mess from the circles of the underworld. I also have some mental illnesses that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and what if my biological child has to deal with it later in life? I don't think I could do that with a clear conscience.

Any children of mine deserves more than that.

amhran_oiche · 2021-05-17T17:33:57+00:00

I'm really considering smbc. I'm in my late 20s, and having the option open took off a ton of pressure to settle just to have kids.

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2021-05-17T21:13:25+00:00

I’m doing it right now! I married the wrong person when I turned 30 just to have a family and it wasn’t worth it. I wish I had done this 10 years ago instead of getting married.

ETA picking a donor sucks but my clinic recommended some places that screen their applicants and no one could be worse than my ex husband. I also live close to my family and they are hugely supportive. It’s also really taken the pressure off dating because I’m not trying to meet a certain man by a certain age. Now if a HVM comes by that’s cool, but if not I’m raising my kid how I want to raise them without having to also take care of another grown adult.

It’s not the ideal situation I wanted, but when I sat down and thought about it there are many pros.

fireforestfairy · 2021-05-17T16:31:37+00:00

Be careful of who you choose to have kids with. Many LVM/ZVM are terrible fathers. Some of them will dump their entire family for a younger woman and from what I've heard, kids tend to dislike growing up without a father figure. I've met countless married men who thinks it is ok to cheat/flirt with other women when their wives are not around. Seriously these men don't deserve a wife let alone kids. I sometimes suspect some these scrotes reproduce simply as a consequence of refusing to use condoms during sex.

Don't forget some of these LVM/ZVM are very poor and unattractive. Your kids may end up "inheriting" these traits and this is not beneficial at all. Yes, some women care less about looks and are open to dating unattractive guys, but if your kids end up looking like the guy then good luck. Many of these unattractive scrotes like to complain about women only liking chads and ignoring ugly guys. You don't want a son this bitter due to inheriting his father's looks. As for daughters, the sad truth is society is sexist as fuck and women who are not conventionally attractive have a harder time being socially accepted than their male counterparts. Yes, there are woke people out there, but unfortunately many people have been conditioned to look down on unattractive women. And yes, those unattractive guys women choose to settle with may see their unattractive daughters in the same way too.

Crafty_Collar8183 · 2021-05-17T17:44:56+00:00

Virgin Mary had baby Jesus without a father and he turned out fine.

level_up_always · 2021-05-17T20:48:14+00:00

i'm childfree but if i wanted kids this is the route i would go, and if i change my mind this is what i'm doing

helena939392 · 2021-05-18T06:47:41+00:00

I have decided to do this already, it is my primary choice although I am in a relationship. So far my bf has shown HVM traits and I'm very happy with him, but obviously you never know how things go and therefore I have already decided I will have a child of my own in the end with the help of a donor.

I will absolutely not have kids with a deadbeat guy. I will rather do it alone. I have already decided to do it in the next three years. I can totally support myself and a child. If all goes well, it will happen with my boyfriend when we are married, but I will not count on another person, no matter how trustworthy they seem.

XRoze · 2021-05-18T13:24:11+00:00

Yes! Finding that sub was a transformational moment for me. I made the decision to be a SMBC pretty much instantaneously. I really want to adopt though so I want to try that route first

FDS-GFY · 2021-05-18T01:34:00+00:00

My mom was a single parent when my parents split up. If I had the means, maybe.

I have considered adopting an older child at some point.

frustratedanon123 · 2021-05-17T19:23:35+00:00

What subreddit is this?

Medical_Slide8640 · 2021-05-17T20:29:48+00:00

I could never live with myself knowing I brought a human being into this world, to fulfil my own needs, and have to tell them they have no father because I bought anonymous sperm.

I don't think that human being would forgive me, and rightly so. If you ask every single person on this earth whether they would prefer to have been born to a HVM father or a donated sperm, I think we all know what the answer would be.

As women we literally create life. And we have a moral obligation to that life. If I don't meet a worthy father I will just accept my childless destiny with dignity.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2021-05-18T18:03:00+00:00

If adoption became easier in my country, I would love to adopt.

Title	Settling because you want kids
Author	Kellianny
Upvotes	208
Comments	52
Date	May 17, 2021 4:24 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/neko22/settling_because_you_want_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/settling-because-you-want-kids.753232 https://theredarchive.com/post/753232

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