The realisation there are not enough HVM in society and some of us will likely be single forever and never marry.

finance_lady · 2020-04-06T02:45:31+00:00

[deleted]

VikingPug · 2020-04-06T02:43:22+00:00

At 42 I’ve been in so many shitty, depressing, abusive and pathetic relationships that I’m okay being single forever. I own my home. My little sister lives with me and she’s single at 32. We didn’t know any better and we let ourselves be used. She is okay being single as well. We don’t want to be single but we accept it. Acceptance and gratitude are key.

curlygirl507 · 2020-04-06T02:58:14+00:00

Keep in mind that you've been brainwashed since birth to marry and give your life to a man for their benefit. It's absolutely not necessarily conducive to a happy life.

I'm 32, single, and way happier than most people I know who are married and/or have children. It's wonderful to have all your time and energy for yourself. I've spent roughly 12 years of my life in relationships and, being an empath, what inevitably ends up happening is I give and give and give to my male partner and he just takes and takes. So, I'm pretty much done with that, and I'm more satisfied with life than ever.

Nearby-Armadillo · 2020-04-06T03:04:26+00:00

Life. Is, Awesome. I do what I want when I want. I travel when I want. Decorate my home as I please. Wake up at 7 in the morning and drink coffee and read the paper on the porch until noon. Sleep late if I want. Eat what I want. Never worry about another human.

And the boys? Honey I get older; they stay the same age.

RadarFemef · 2020-04-06T09:18:07+00:00

Think about it, there is no alternative. Lowering your standards will invariably make you miserable. The choice isn’t really HVM vs being single, it’s being true to yourself no matter what life brings. Could you be happy with a LVM who treats you like crap just because he simply exists to keep you from the label “single” and that’s all? No, of course not. Life is too short for that. Don’t settle.

neopets_billionaire · 2020-04-06T02:59:20+00:00

That would be fine with me. I don’t want to be bogged down by a crappy marriage.

taylor232424 · 2020-04-06T14:28:08+00:00

For me its desiring children and a family unit. There is nothing wrong with a woman desiring this as it is just being a woman. However I am just not into the single mother thing I’d rather get married and divorce and at least know I attempted to give my children a proper life. I’m in the minority of women who don’t think men are that special and am not boy crazy. However biological kids are a MUST for me.

My aunt is 55 single no kids and well paid. She had a heart to heart with me years ago and told me at the very least I need to have children because there is no point in living when you’re doing it all for yourself. She also told me animals are not comparable to children. I know people might not like me sharing this view point but this was my aunt being vulnerable with me.

In my experience, it’s not that there aren’t a lot HVM out there it’s that it’s hard finding one that ticks all the boxes lol.

Novemberinthechair · 2020-04-06T05:04:21+00:00

Never wanted kids, like my own company and men consistently disappointed me.

Grieve? Nope. Never. I'm fucking relieved.

grimreapersdtr · 2020-04-06T13:51:28+00:00

As a middle aged divorcee, the advice I'd give you is do everything necessary to achieve complete financial independence so you'll never have to rely on a man for survival. Maintain a strong support system with your friends. Develop yourself and your interests. Most marriages still result in you being a maid, laundress, cook, nurse, shopper, personal assistant and therapist to a grown ass man while STILL working and contributing financially, and that's even if he pretended to be egalitarian before the marriage. I really advise all younger women to abandon their fantasies about marriage because they're the result of brainwashing and not in alignment with reality at all.

ethnicallyabiguous · 2020-04-06T16:27:45+00:00

I’m 36. Never been married. No kids. I decided at 29, instead of looking at all my married friends with jealousy, I would do something those friends couldn’t do and travel extensively. I became a flight attendant, curated a wonderful world wide network of friends, have flings, have adventures, organized a group of flight attendants to support an organization for victims of sex trafficking, etc etc. Those married friends call me and beg me to tell them about the hotelier that charted a yacht to take me and my friends to Abu Dhabi. They want to know about good looking guy who ate me out for hours on a Lisbon balcony. They tell me they wish they would have waited like me to get married.

Remember, as someone else pointed out, men die before women anyway. So even if you find a HVM you will still, more than likely die alone. Best to have so many hobbies and friends that you have no time to notice the lack of HVMs.

I also think that it is the downside of labeling this group FDS. While finding a man worth committing to is the icing on the cake; the actual cake should be you finding and loving yourself wholly. This is something that all us ladies have to continuously do no matter how far along we are in the FDS strategy.

My mother has given up on me having kids and all my uncles tell me they are waiting on me to come out of the closet. But I just take another trip and remain unbothered.

Edit for typos

JaneIsaPain · 2020-04-06T05:45:36+00:00

[deleted]

rebylblue · 2020-04-06T03:09:02+00:00

I actually posted something on this today.

This was something I had to get over too, and I know I'll still have days when I get anxious about it. Some of us on this sub toss up our hands and begrudgingly say "Oh well!", not realizing we're devaluing ourselves by buying into the idea that there aren't enough good men for us, and somehow all the good men will be taken up before we have a chance to find one, even though we'd love to find love. I believe it stems from self worth. Remember, HVM are born everyday!

Unless you really, really desire to end up single for the rest of your life, it's a waste of time and energy to worry about it instead of going after what you actually want. If you believe you should be single, you'll be single. If you believe you deserve struggle love, you'll get struggle love. If you believe you deserve a quality bond with a man, that's what you'll get. Life responds to where you put your focus and attention. Humans have a tendency to seek the path of least resistance to conserve energy. Even if it depresses you, it's much easier to assume you're going to fail than to put forth the effort and try. Also, if you're already addicted to pain, this is a great way to feed that itch to feel hurt.

Edit: I understand some older women have been there and done that, been hurt, and are comfortably done with the game and that's totally fine. If you are young, you are very lucky to be learning these strategies now. If you are older, your chance is there if you ever feel like taking it. Learn from older women's trauma and hurtful pasts, but please don't identify with it. You have your own life and your own path. You have your own chances to make mistakes, learn, grow, fail, and succeed until the day you die. It's hard enough to heal from your own pain. Empathize, consider, and learn, but don't become jaded by someone else's trauma that never happened to you.

juliannawackenhat · 2020-04-06T20:55:56+00:00

I’m almost 40, I support myself, I don’t consider myself HV for a relationship because I’m like Whoopi. At the end of the day, I don’t want anyone in my house, men or kids. I’m not happier with a partner, no matter how great they are. There’s nothing they can provide for me that I can’t provide for myself except dual income and I don’t need that much money.

I had a handful of bad experiences with men, although the majority of my experiences with men have been positive. That handful was enough to make me stop and take stock of everything I have when I’m single and everything I lose when I merge with someone else. It’s not for everyone, but I feel complete alone. I think if you feel you are cut out for partnership, and you maintain quality social circles where you’re meeting people organically, love is waiting for you.

Kekekeke7777 · 2020-04-06T03:12:48+00:00

At this point I’m hoping the small part of me that’s attracted to certain women takes over and I find an awesome one and I’m awesome for her. But since my dominant sexuality (I’m like 95% straight and don’t really have sexual thoughts about women) is unlikely to change idk what I’m gonna do. I’ll be single before I’m with a man who makes me feel like shit. But I miss physical intimacy so I’m hoping to find some good that hopefully again before I die.

Im_Vinea · 2020-04-06T03:03:12+00:00

I’m not an older HVW but I made a pact with my friend (F18) to marry each other if we don’t end up married to men before we turn 40. We promised that even if one of us got married, we’d frequently check up and visit each other. This isn’t sexual/romantic but platonic?

Not marrying isn’t the end of the world, I think? I thought the purpose of marriage was for security? Now that I feel secure with my future, I think if I do start dating I don’t have to lower my standards. It’s kind of a win-win situation...

Obviously I’m not going to be a hypocrite about this as she’s welcome to date and find other people 💃🎩

If there isn’t enough HVM to go around, what’s so terrible about HVW linking up? 👀

It’s better to be alone than with a LVM/NVM who’ll only end up making life more miserable anyways 🤷🏻‍♀️

coolestgirlyoueverme · 2020-04-06T12:59:17+00:00

I'm ok being single, but I want kids...

I'd like to find a HVM to help me raise them.

JaneIsaPain · 2020-04-06T03:48:15+00:00

[deleted]

BasieSkanks · 2020-04-07T02:33:43+00:00

When I’m feeling down about the possibility of never finding a HVW, I just peruse the relationship subreddits. That’s a cold, sharp reminder that the alternative (settling) is far worse than being alone. So many people settle for bad relationships, even when they know they shouldn’t be in them.

sophrosyne2189 · 2020-04-06T11:55:29+00:00

What does it for me is repeating to myself and accepting that in life there are no guarantees.

Even if I marry someone who I perceived to be an HVM, does that mean that the marriage will last forever? No, not necessarily. Even if no one cheats, people can change and grow so different that continuing the marriage will no longer be an option. In such a scenario, no one was at fault and yet the marriage still ended.

Knowing how unpredictable life is comforts me in my anxieties about my singleness. I was in a situation where although not entirely faultless, I exerted effort and did the best I could, moreso than the other party and yet the connection still ended.

TLDR: In my opinion, my relationship situation is something THAT IS SIMPLY OUT OF MY HANDS, unless I stay single or give up and settle. Since I'm still strong enough not to settle, I just tell myself that I should not be overly-concerned about something that I simply cannot control and I should just live my life. If something is for me, it will not pass me by.

GlamorKiss · 2020-04-06T04:53:40+00:00

I really want a good man for myself and I don’t want to be alone. I think having a good social life with some truly caring friends and close family is even more important maybe though, maybe more reliable?

Sorry to be crass but like on some level our whole purpose as animals is to reproduce and I feel like having a good mother and father, and on some level I am a failure if I don’t fulfill this.

Also I just love romance and sex and I don’t want casual sex. I’m never a sucker or let falling in love with a guy quickly blind me ever, but in a committed relationship with a man I’d want it.

But it’s true it might not happen for me, something I have to come to terms with and build a good life for myself either way

2020-04-07T23:31:13+00:00

When you realize that men are the ones losing out, it becomes easier

buy_me_cookies · 2020-04-06T16:48:49+00:00

I'll take one for the team and volunteer to die alone with cats Edit: yikes. I never said it was a bad thing!

Present_Pumpkin · 2020-04-07T21:29:00+00:00

I've been single for 6 years off and on. I went through a horrible break up and past 2 relationships with narcisstic men. I went back on dating sites, and always being asked why I'm still single, as if there's something wrong with me.

Even my psychologist said its unnatural to be a single woman. How messed up is that. But after going on a few dates with a man, he started playing the usual games of hot and cold. I told him its over today and I can already feel lighter and happier.

I have also come to accept that I will probably stay single. I can't put myself through the emotional turmoil again of dealing with these pathetic, insecure men.

Title	The realisation there are not enough HVM in society and some of us will likely be single forever and never marry.
Author	JaneIsaPain
Upvotes	155
Comments	62
Date	April 6, 2020 12:24 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fvon96/the_realisation_there_are_not_enough_hvm_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/the-realisation-there-are-not-enough-hvm-in.678898 https://theredarchive.com/post/678898

Comments