***Inspired by another poster, I wanted to share my transition into FDS, the particular ideas I had against it, and what I came to recognize.

I thought things like...

*Really, no park dates? But I looooove parks! I can’t even eat at restaurants because of my health so what am I suppose to do!?

I just had no damn idea I should have expectations of a man to treat me to a date. The things I enjoyed were generally free so why do I need a man to spend money on me if it isn’t what I want? I hated this rule.

Then I realized I do like nice things. I like high quality food, thoughtful gifts, I like travel, I like books, etc etc. Why couldn’t a guy consciously plan a date to take me to a hot spring resort or get an Airbnb cabin in the forest? Why couldn’t he surprise take me to a new bookstore and tell me to pick out a new book on him? Why couldn’t he plan an adventure? Put together an extravagant cheese and chocolate platter? Buy us puzzles and board games to enjoy?

Do I not deserve that? Would I not like that?

Because a man could do those things. And if I’m honest, I’d sure like it. Come to think of it, my female friends do stuff like this for me, I do stuff like this for all my loved ones...why isn’t he? FDS woke me the fuck up: Guys choose the lowest possible effort you allow and then they go lower because you decided you weren’t worth royalty.

Okay, but I like to cook and do nice things for guys and care for them. How do I turn that off?

You know what? I just had to buck up here. I had been spending my whole life trying to take care of others at my own expense.

It felt so easy and I liked it. But how come if I like it so much, I don’t do it for me? Look at all the time, energy, and money I wasted on men who aren’t here now. That’s a shitty investment I made.

Plus, shouldn’t I be partnering with someone who is able to care for me the way I care for them? Wouldn’t I enjoy if a guy cared so much about me that he learned my food sensitivities and not only made dishes I could eat safely but also tried to concoct new recipes? If I can do it and he’s an intelligent and creative guy, why cant he?

Why am I always doing dishes and stuff? Matter of fact, why can’t I have a guy who suggests helping me with my own housework or projects?

I’ve sure as heck done all sorts of that for men without so much as a blink. Why can’t I enjoy that being given to me? What if I just stopped playing the caretaker role and start playing the main character in my story?

What’s wrong with casual sex?

I was challenged to accept that I really only wanted an idealized version of casual sex. I meet a guy, he’s the perfect version of handsome, he’s attentive and romantic and funny, and I feel so damn comfortable to be myself around him that I can enjoy having casual sex with him, get all my needs met, and not feel disgusted with him or myself after. And yet I never want a real relationship with this perfect guy???

This is not a perfect world. In our reality, men use us. They use our bodies for their own pressure and most sex is centered around their genitalia and their orgasm. They use our pleasure to build their fragile egos rather than actually fulfill our true desires. I kinda’ knew this — but, without FDS, I didn’t and wouldn’t have ever realized that men make a choice to be selfish and low-effort lovers — especially in casual scenarios. 😡

Is all BDSM really that bad?

What about the BDSM I engaged in with an ex who did only what I asked, educated himself on how to do it well, had the patience and stamina to make it last until I was fulfilled, and never cared if he got oral sex or intercourse but gave me infinite cunnilingus?

You know what was just as, if not much more, thrilling? Having sex with my best friend. Having him find himself looking at me, reflecting on how beautiful I am, and smiling at what he’s experiencing. Having him recognize when I disconnected/got distracted and having him do things he knew would help me reconnect with him and the experience because he cared. I’ve had so much great sex in my life but I’ve never felt anything close. I have chills remembering it.

The last thing that man would want is to see me in pain, see me drift off without him into sub space, or need to provide aftercare. After sex with him, I was stunned silent happy.

What kind of man would prefer to hurt a woman into pleasure than make the effort to actually please her? Isn’t that the same man who took shortcuts in every other area of his life and our relationship? (Yes.). 🤔

But...I watch porn...

Ladies. I had no idea about porn sickness, yet it was all around me and it played a huge role in my coming of age. I learned how to be sexy from porn, but I also learned what I enjoyed from porn.

In my day, early Internet era, the conversation was about how most women enjoy rape fantasies but don’t actually want to be raped. It’s the perfect example of how ideas were fed to us through porn that appeared attractive — women gets raped into ecstatic pleasure by a handsome, fit, well-endowed fellow and she loves it (yes, this was 90s porn).

There’s this huge disconnect between what I wanted to do with my best friend-boyfriend and what I needed to fantasize about to get off before he came along. I’ve known this for decades, but I didn’t know it was because of porn.

Don’t even get me started about the libfem brainwashed model of female sexual empowerment that clearly only caters to male gaze and pleasure, often at the expense of the woman. Don’t. Because it breaks my heart to think about how many women still haven’t found FDS. Who, like me, prided themselves on being “sexy” and “like a real life porn star” and “down for almost anything”.

Meanwhile, men convinced me they didn’t know how, needed to be educated, needed to be reminded, just needed to be asked and he totally would, needed a map and a flashlight, needed to be supported and encouraged.

It was basic behavior and learning psychology, right? If I moaned loudly for a tiny correct effort, I’d eventually get more, right? Because men are just lowly animals who can’t think and decide? Yet somehow no matter what I did to encourage them, they couldn’t figure it out because i was too complicated and unique (turns out many women like things exactly the same as me!!). You know, it was the very same intelligent and competent partners I admired in so many other areas of their life, who refuse directions and navigate without maps, who couldn’t remember how I liked my clit touched. 🙄

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Please share your own stories! Speak up about your struggles! Keep reflecting! Allow yourself to be angry, disappointed, and ashamed. Get through those feelings and you’ll find a sense of peace, clarity, and stability you’ve never known before.