There's a lot of discussion about incels on this board once again. Today there was discussion about how incels can benefit from therapy, and the usual back and forth about how therapy can help but might not be enough by itself.

I'd like to suggest a plan for incels to improve and get the most from their lives. at any point, if you are unwilling or unable to do any of these steps, then you are unwilling/unable to improve and get the most from your life, and you should accept that where and what you are is the best you're going to get.

  1. Take a look in the mirror (physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, whatever) and take stock of what you see. Be brutally honest. You might need to have a therapist or trusted friend help you with this. (If you are unwilling or unable to do this, STOP. Accept where and what you are is the best you can get.)

  2. Get into a mindset that you are willing to accept reality, factual reality, whatever that might be. For example: "Reality" is that no one gives a shit about any of this in your life, and if you want it, you will have to go get it. "Reality" is that people want to fuck, date, hook up with, have relationships with, and marry, attractive people. "Reality" is that you cannot change reality, but you might be able to change you. (If you are unwilling or unable to do this, STOP. Accept where and what you are is the best you can get. Same with each step.)

  3. Decide that you are willing to do what it takes to live a life that fits you, based on what you have, what you can improve, and what you can do, within the "reality" framework.

  4. Get into therapy. No one gets to the incel point without some issue being present. Get it all out on the table. Make that therapist diagnose you. Get all the way to the bottom of it. Make that therapist help you devise a treatment plan for whatever you do or have, and then FUCKING DO IT. It might take years. OK. Do it anyway. You'll be better for it. You'll get yourself out of negative feedback loops, avoid triggers, and learn how to respond in different ways to recurring stressors, even if none of this results in you getting sex or relationships.

  5. Accept responsibility for your part in everything that got you to this point, without accepting responsibility for things you could not control or were due to the conduct of others.

Maybe you got fat or made yourself unattractive to keep people away. That's on you - change it. Maybe you mistreated someone who really did love you. That's on you - make it right however you can, and don't do it again. Maybe you're just an asshole. That's on you - stop doing that. Maybe people have been telling you to do these things for a while and you haven't listened. That's on you - now you can listen. Maybe you're repelling people with your complaining. That's on you - stop complaining (at least in public).

  1. Determine whether you want a life with sex and relationships, or not. If yes, then determine what you need to do to improve to get there. Then determine how long that will take and what it will cost you, and then determine whether you are willing and able to do those things. Then determine whether you are willing to do these things with the risk that even if you do them, you STILL might not get sex or relationships.

  2. If you have decided you will not pursue sex and relationships, (or if you improved but didn't get sex), then go forward with living the best life you can without those things. Perhaps you can get sexual release with prostitutes/escorts, and pornography. These things will not make you "happy" or "fulfilled", but they can provide temporary relief from sexual tension, and perhaps some satisfaction. Perhaps massages from time to time will get you the touch you need. Cultivate hobbies and pastimes. Cultivate your profession. Decide how you'll deflect questions about your personal life and use stock answers. Save money for early retirement.

Yes, in step 7, you don't get the sex or relationship you wanted. But that is reality, and we said way back in step 2 that you would accept reality, whatever that is. So your inability to get sex/relationships is "reality". Thus, you have to accept that. Accepting that means that you can move on, and then live the best life possible in light of "reality".

"Reality" is that some men (and a very few women) just are not attractive enough to get sex and relationships, no matter what they do. For those people, getting to Step 7 is a way to live the "best life" possible.

Discuss.