What are your "learning experiences" with men?

jackquickfingers · 2020-07-17T13:58:52+00:00

dont meet up men from videogames

philomexa · 2020-07-17T15:11:28+00:00

Personally I haven't made too many mistakes with men and my preferences have remained consistent (hot, fun, charming, talented, obsessed with me), so these observations are from my college BFF who spent 4 years getting her heart destroyed.

never fuck a man from a highly insular religion that values virginity; he will never marry you.
never date a man that avoids introducing you to his family and friends; he's ashamed of you and will never marry you.
never date a man that's arbitrarily separated from his real life; when it's time for him to return he'll never come back for you.
never date a man in the military; he probably has PTSD and its above your paygrade
never agree to be the easy going sidechick; you will never upgrade from that.

misiepatysie · 2020-07-17T13:44:22+00:00

I learned many things during 4 LTRS i had:
1. That is is very important to have shared values and goals. If one person has to constantly bent to satisfy the other it will grow resentment
2. I learned that conastant fear and walking on eggshells are signs of abuse and that a good relationship will make life easier not harder.
3. I learned that it does not matter what a guy is saying/promising only what he is doing (in terms of working on himslef, splitting chores etc.)
4. I lerned that there is no such thing as ighting for a relationship. If a guy can not communicate, is not willing to pull his share the only option is to dump him and not wasting time beacuse "he used to be different".
I always went for the nerdy, shy type and ofr men who were affectionate. I still do it but lerned to see when a guy is really a good person, and when it is just a facade he is willing to drop the second he feels secure.

FlavFal · 2020-07-17T14:15:39+00:00

When I was about 9yo I saw my uncle leave his family for a younger woman after he became financially successful. His son and ex-wife were left in a shitty neighborhood while he moved to a big house with his new wife. I saw that as a huge betrayal and made me think men like him were worthless. That's when I learned the value of men who were fiercely loyal and monogamous minded.
When my aunt got married to a bully I saw how worthless such types are. The types who try to lift themselves up by putting others down.
Observing promiscuous male family members and friends taught me they're untrustworthy and straight up gross. All of them cheated, all of them could only think about sex, all of them put their partners in danger so they could get off.

My type has always been the same. Respectful, loyal, loving, and the usual good-man traits.

flamingoinghome · 2020-07-17T15:03:06+00:00

Most of my actual relationships weren't "mistakes" per se, but...

-If you don't enjoy fooling around with your boyfriend, this means the chemistry doesn't work, not that "this is normal for a girl"

-I learned how to identify a functional alcoholic (my college boyfriend was one, but at the time, I thought being an alcoholic meant you were visibly drunk all the time)

-I became better at spotting who was blowing sunshine up my ass vs who was sincere

Comprehensive_Zombie · 2020-07-17T15:12:11+00:00

From my personal dating experience, and from hearing of the lives of the women in my family: Don’t believe a man will change for you, don’t tolerate unequal contributions to the relationship. Don’t ever be too reliant on your partner (financially, emotionally, whatever), have a bail plan, don’t have kids with losers

Edit: sp

spacechicken1990 · 2020-07-17T15:17:21+00:00

Never accept a drink from a guy at the bar.

I was 16 and out with my friends when a guy asked me if I wanted a beer, I said yes and when I went to leave later in the evening he grabbed me and asked where I was going. When i tried to detangle myself he told me I still hadn't "repaid" him for the drink.

Safe to say I learnt my lesson there.

LittyKitsune · 2020-07-17T15:33:11+00:00

To a lot of guys "I'm waiting for marriage" is code for "convince me to fuck you."

Now I almost exclusively date virgins and serious Christians.

kwalden2 · 2020-07-17T15:13:26+00:00

1) If it isn't a hell yes, it's a hell no. 2) Some men just want to do the dance with no pants (and no, I never said yes). 3) Pretty easy to find a man with whom to do the dance with no pants. I would never agree, so I was surprised when the opposite data came in from the opposite gender. 4) Men feel intense pain/disappointment from rejection, too. 5) They almost always try to come back later. 6) Lack of pysical attraction is a necessary dealbreaker. 7) Self confidence is extremely attractive. Not sure why it took me dating a few different people to figure this out, but it did. 8) A man taking charge is attractive. 9) Being needy will kill attraction for both genders.

And for the big one, which I basically learned after I found my husband.

10) Communicating and compromising will be necessary, because no 2 people really want all the same things. This will catch you off guard, and people will never stop coming up with new ways to surprise you. Assume nothing.

Some of these things somewhat correspond with "red pill truths," sure. Men should take charge, not be needy, look their best, and exude confidence. What TRP men don't get is that I'm not a unicorn, there have got to be nunerous other women who still refuse casual sex no matter what. Another thing TRP men don't get is that opening doors, buying dinner, or even getting into a relationship before having sex (gasp!) doesn't make a man "needy." Confident men who take charge can still open doors, plan dates, and wait for sex a while. If a TRP man wants to be a f buddy, great for him I guess. This does NOT make him better than the other guy. If a TRP man finds himself thinking he's "better" than the other guy, thats 99% probability of an unhealthy mindset.

Willow-girl · 2020-07-17T17:46:57+00:00

I haven't seen any positive responses. I wonder why women even bother. LOL

Willow-girl · 2020-07-17T15:43:11+00:00

I learned that men are men, their own gender with their own needs and priorities. They are not just defective women.

Substantial_Wasabi · 2020-07-17T13:37:13+00:00

One that i can think of off the top of my head is that men do not become more emotionally attached after sex like we do. That's why its important to make sure you both actually like each other and have some sort of connection beforehand.

masalamermaid · 2020-07-17T16:24:13+00:00

Was in a 4 year relationship with a redpilled man. He was emotionally distant, accusatory (projecting ideas that I'm cheating because "AWALT"), could not be vulnerable, somewhat controlling and all of that killed my attraction for him and resulted in me walking away and ending things. Made me realize how much I dislike redpill ideology (and no I dont mean the work on/improve yourself advice which is just good advice and not unique to redpill) and how dangerous it can be, and how it just repels me.

While I like confident men, I'd rather have a man that demonstrates both "alpha" and "beta" traits. I think it's a difficult for men to achieve that balance but it's something I personally find attractive. I think it leads to a successful, strong and emotionally secure man vs someone that lives off their own insecurities, judging other people and honestly being kind of catty.

My ex would constantly judge other men and in particular women and me, and it took me forever to realize that he just projected his own insecurities in his looks, height, status on to others.

2020-07-17T13:55:51+00:00

My preference in a man has not changed from teenager to adult but remained steady.

2020-07-17T18:55:35+00:00

Beware of love bombing. Beware of men who are too pushy or who ask too many leading questions. Beware of religious men.

All things I already knew from the start, but got reinforced the more I dated around.

Lacuna-Foil · 2020-07-17T14:19:47+00:00

I learned that:

Men who talk about running away together are usually just running away from something else (I'm sure this applies to women too, but I don't date women)
That I probably need more alone time than the average person and should not date people who need to have attention on them the majority of the time. Tied into this, I should not date people who want to party a lot
I am 100% anti open-concept housing lmao (two guys I dated brought it up, so I think it counts)
To not date guys whose sense of humour revolves mostly around tearing people around them to shreds- they're usually horribly insecure, looking to pick a fight, and it's not good
Don't date momma's boys
I should probably learn to communicate better and pick partners who are patient with communication so we can compromise effectively
being pleasant and being a people pleaser are two different things and it's okay to not cave in order to please people every single time
that it's better to shut shit down with a firm no if I'm not interested in something, especially with sexual or financial boundaries (I did much better with sex-related things but caved more than once on financial ones)
Anyone can shit test, men or women
ETA: Don't date someone who can't stand up for themselves
Second ETA: Don't date someone who can't comprehend a life where someone they're with has separate interests from their own

I've never had much in the way of preferences so much as I've had a handful of standards that, after a couple of dating disasters, have become rock solid. The type of guys I've dated have varied widely, both socially and economically, and there's always something to learn.

GennyX · 2020-07-17T14:18:54+00:00

After watching a friend’s truly awful relationship, I learned to vigilantly avoid man babies who are looking for a bang maid. Once I learned to avoid that, it filtered out the right guys. There were other things I learned from my own relationships, but watching my friend’s relationship was the most priceless lesson of all that served me well.

HappilyMrs · 2020-07-17T13:35:12+00:00

That it doesn't matter how committed he seems to be, he will ditch you for a girl who provides easy sex if you aren't ready to stop being a virgin.

That guys who say they are your friend aren't really your friend because they have zero interest in speaking to you the moment you get a boyfriend. ~ don't trust friendship with single men unless your clearly committed to someone they respect

Guys who get broken up with might spend decades slagging you off to strangers and mutual acquaintances, even if you were only dating for a week and never did anything more than kiss. ~ be very careful about the sort of men you date, vet well, find out how they speak about exes. If he is 21, never had a girlfriend, and you're only 14, just don't.

Reisiluu · 2020-07-17T19:06:59+00:00

Things I learned first hand and by observing friends:

Male friends can't be trusted.

Promiscuous men can't be trusted.

Men with female best friends can't be trusted.

Sexually frustrated or ugly men are not automatically nice.

Men who don't chase you don't want you.

Men can get hurt really easily.

Men who say they clean less often or don't tidy up their messes because their standards of cleanliness are lower, are lying.

NarniaFox · 2020-07-17T14:03:17+00:00

Due to my upbringing I believe that you don't need a man in your life and you can be pretty happy on your own. Relationship with my husband has taught me that having a beloved one does make your life more whole. I still think that you can be happy on your own, but I guess it's similar to having kids, close siblings, parents, friends, pets etc. You don't really need all of them, but they do make your life significantly more wholesome and whole.

My preference haven't changed a lot. When my husband and I started dating I was passively looking for someone who I could trust enough to have sex with. So my check list included similar morals, ability to listen to people and express yourself, patience, being caring, open-minded and at least somewhat tolerable. This list excluded almost all guys I knew. I'd say my preferences are still quite similar to what they were back then.

2020-07-17T15:51:22+00:00

I learned what red flags look like. And that was not something I was taught, so I learned it the hard way.

2020-07-17T16:59:51+00:00

Don’t trust anything they say even if they seem nice. Wait until you can observe actions lining up w words to see how trustworthy/manipulative they are.

Yes men will lie about things it would never occur to me to lie about including: sexual health status, being married, having kids, wanting a future, being attracted to me, being a good guy, what they do for work, having a drivers license, etc.

SslimReaperr · 2020-07-17T19:56:43+00:00

Males are shallow as hell. They value women based off appearance alone. Males themselves admit they are “visual creatures” that don’t even acknowledge a woman if she doesn’t make his dick hard.

Males also commit majority of the most grotesque vile crimes. Pretty much all of rapists, murderers, and pedophiles are males.

Males are doting slaves to their dicks. They honestly do care about their own dicks more than people. Males will fight passionately to defend “rape” porn, “teen” porn, etc, but will go radio silent when it comes time to talk about the women/children that have been sex trafficked and coerced into the porn industry.

The only time males talk about male rape or male mental illness is when people are talking about female rape or female mental illness. Males don’t actually give a shit about other males, they just want to derail conversations about women.

AutoModerator · 2020-07-17T13:14:23+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

boomcheese44 · 2020-07-17T16:49:11+00:00

I didnt learn anything in the context you are speaking of. I pursued the most attractive men available to me until my future husband showed up :shrug: Most of them were OK, but not people I would want to stick with long-term or marry.

I still would go for attractive guys if I got divorced today, but I doubt I would find many of them. So I would probably be alone again. I dont understand why women get with guys that they don't sexually enjoy. Having children and a big house isnt worth it to me.

thetruthishere_ · 2020-07-17T23:17:30+00:00

I didnt have bad relationships but I learned I dont jive with another first born or white collar men all about money.

My white collar partner and I clashed when it came to money. Im in the boat of money doesn't buy happiness and he thought it did. he pressured me to make more money when I was about being happy at my job. he didnt need to pay my bills, etc but couldn't understand why I was ok with making $50,000 at a job I loved over a job I hated for $80,000.

Everything was about money and I was about happiness.

catdaddy230 · 2020-07-18T04:48:53+00:00

Jealousy is not a compliment. It doesn't show that he really cares or that you need to prove your loyalty to calm him. Most of the time it means that the jealous person has such horrible self esteem that they realize no one in their right mind would date them and so they live in fear that their partner will discover how unworthy they are and they try to bully or be so needy that the partner is shamed or guilted into staying.

Even if the significant other truly loves the jealous person, jealousy kills love. It's unfair to abuse a partner or show because of your own poor self esteem, being previously cheated on, or my favorite, actively cheating on someone as you accuse them of cheating. I dated a guy while I was in school and working and we were living together and he would constantly accuse me of cheating on him. I couldn't understand it all because I was stupid in love with him but I literally didn't have ANY time that wasn't spoken for. I had no time to cheat.

He even yelled at me one afternoon because he said he saw me driving around with another guy and he threw a drink at the car and called me a whore. I literally laughed because I had been in class for the previous five hours with a twenty minute break to eat a pack of crackers out of a machine. I said "if that's true, you're really lucky that girl's boyfriend didn't jump out of the car and beat your ass because it wasnt me." He didn't believe me because he'd been cheating for months. He would lie about going to work so he assumed i did too.

It didn't last long after that and for months after I broke with him he would call, get his friends to call, get his DAD'S friends to call and say that I was killing him by not forgiving him and that he was real sorry and blah blah. It worked the first time I'll admit because I had never dealt with anything so shameless as an adult so i figured he must have really meant he was going to change. Nope. He actually tried to get more controlling. And from start to covid it was less than seven months but it felt like an eternity and im pretty sure the next step without have been violence.

0seagirl · 2020-07-18T07:50:04+00:00

I spent my childhood watching my sister make poor decisions with men. She was horrifically abused by a man I saw as masculine, swaggering, and promiscuous. It made me attracted to the opposite. As I got older I would go for short, shy, unmasculine, virgin men, operating under the misguided notion that they would treat me gently, that they'd be "nice guys". They were some of the biggest pieces of shit imaginable. Socially maladjusted, abusive, porn-obsessed, and selfish.

The shy guy with the big eyes and dinky wrists is not necessarily a darling waiting to be adored.

decoy88 · 2020-07-18T08:24:31+00:00

It's not fear it is more dread, you aren't going around making any demands in order for a woman to fall into her natural subservient feminine frame, she just falls into it because of how she feels about you.

Oh My Daze 🤦🏾‍♂️. Just so much ‘no’. This is badatwomensanatomy all over.

Thatshygurl · 2020-07-18T15:04:02+00:00

Only been with one for around 2.5 years and I learned to be more guarded and not take people for what they say all the time. I also learned that looks aren’t everything, he was like a 9/10 looks wise in my book. I learned that intelligence is far more attractive to me than looks, because looks will fade and I want a partner who’s always teaching me something new. I also learned that men can be CRAZY obsessive. Lastly if a guy says he loves you after knowing you only a week, it’s a red flag.

Additionally for the other men in my life, my farther and brother. I’ve learned men can be really dynamic. Yes they can be selfish assholes, but they can also be really caring. For example when I was a little my family went to this carnival and I was trying for the longest time to put a little ping-pong ball in the fish bowl, I couldn’t do it, my brother comes along, turns around and get it in without even looking. I was a little hurt because I figured he was going to keep it, but he hands it to me. I’ll never forget that and a lot of other really selfless things he and my father have done for me, and it’s a reason why I resent the whole, “all men a trash” trend.

Worried-Smile · 2020-07-17T14:15:27+00:00

That trust is key. I won't date anyone anymore that is too jealous and doesn't trust me, as that is incompatible with who I am.

I need someone with a strong personality. I have one too. I need someone to be able to speak up when I need to cut the crap, instead of someone who will just say 'ok' to every crazy thing I say or do. My ex was too sweet for me at times, and I could walk over him if I wanted. I sometimes did, which wasn't fair to him.

Mimoxs · 2020-07-17T14:43:37+00:00

I made that post but

My preferences never changed, but I was so low self esteem I went with men who didn't match those preferences. Still never met someone who does fit them.

But I did learn how to recognize both abusers and people who will dump you once you fulfill your use to them. When you grow up extremely sheltered no one teaches you how to do so so you have to learn for yourself

2020-07-17T18:56:23+00:00

My preferences for men haven’t changed. I just have a better bullshit detector. Even when the man believes his own bullshit, I can laugh it off and not get caught up in his You’re My Dream Girl Wife Material fantasy when he barely knows me.

edit: ok I won’t date men who’ve been in the military now. That’s like misogyny indoctrination. They’re all the same.

2020-07-17T23:45:43+00:00

Most recently I’ve learned about how important sexual compatibility is, and that men and women do have different communication styles.

slavicgypsygirl · 2020-07-20T19:14:22+00:00

My own experiences with men taught me that most will risk absolutely everything for sex

There isn't a line they wont cross. Sex is THAT powerful!!!

hanniebunches · 2020-07-17T13:30:12+00:00

the only guy i dated taught me that i am actually extremely jealous and susceptible to feeling trapped if we never leave the house so now i would only date guys who are loyal, devoted and romantic and also.... leave the house

Title	What are your "learning experiences" with men?
Author	ColCrin
Upvotes	19
Comments	169
Date	July 17, 2020 1:14 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/hsvgzn/what_are_your_learning_experiences_with_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-are-your-learning-experiences-with-men.715167 https://theredarchive.com/post/715167

Comments