When do men decide that a partner has LTR potential?

findingfemininity · 2020-04-08T17:04:18+00:00

i dont want to change my morals to allow sex on the first date (i j dont want casual sex) but it seems once i say no to this, they loose all interest in meeting up w me again.

It sounds like you're going for men who have lots of options and don't find you interesting/attractive enough to continue seeing if there's no sex involved. How are you meeting these guys? Do you find yourself always going for the same type?

It has nothing to do with their age. The majority of men and women I know had an LTR in college. Perhaps you need to adjust your picker for who you're trying to date.

obvi_imnicklachey · 2020-04-08T17:34:56+00:00

First date. Second, tops. As others have said, hiding what box they’ve put you in is mens’ TOP priority during the courting stage because they are hoping to weasel sex out of you, regardless of how they feel about you.

Respect your boundaries, ALWAYS. No one will respect you if you don’t respect your self and your own needs and wants.

Be straightforward with what you want and do NOT let any man evade the topic of “what are we?”. Very very very few of them will ever say “yeah I’m just looking to hookup right now”.

You’re going to get a hundred variations of

“I’m just seeing where things go” and “I just got out of a relationship...” and “I like to take things slow with girls” and “I’m not ready for a relationship”.

With ZERO exceptions, the above can always be translated to “I do not want to commit to you, but I can probably get you to fuck me for 6 months if I keep dragging this along for another date or so”. Anything that isn’t an explicit confirmation out of a man’s mouth is a loud “I’ll still use you for sex, though!”

No exceptions, girl. None.

taapy234 · 2020-04-08T17:41:41+00:00

I think you got to realize that women like you are facing what economists call "free market failure".

In "sexual marketplace" (SMP) women have all the power in choosing who they want to have sex with. And women have consistently preferred top 20% of men for regular casual sex. So because of women's collective actions by putting more focus on their education and careers, women put off marriage by years at a time in recent years. And in 2020, the average age of first marriage is 29 or 30 now. So think about that for a second.

For most men, back in the day, the only way to have some semi regular sex life is through committed relationships or through marriage. So they had every incentive to work hard on themselves mentally, physically and economically before pursuing a woman.

So because women put off marriage to their 30's now, more and more men are giving up pursuing long term relationships with women. Do you really expect men will be okay with no sex for 10 years before women decide to marry them? No! The end result is women created a social scenario where the incentive structure for men to "commit" has been destroyed by women's short term dating choices.

Now, because of this, women like you can no longer easily find a man to do an LTR. Why? Because we can't differentiate between women like you and a promiscuous women. So instead, men are putting all their efforts in pursuing sex from women and many men are putting little to no effort into being a viable "husband material" for women.

I used to be someone who was in a similar boat as you. But women my age at that time never cared about LTR's with me and were more busy with their education and their careers and their party lifestyle. So I gave up pursuing that ideal.

In other words, women's unrestrained hypergamy has decimated the "relationship" market. So chances are, your prospect of finding a man you like (to commit to you) is going to be an uphill battle. (But you can easily have sex with them though)

petrichordium · 2020-04-08T17:24:26+00:00

Honestly i know within five seconds if she is attractive enough for an LTR for just a hookup. There is an absolute difference, and if you are consistently on the hookup end, it is partly the guys you are choosing.

Some could be college guys playing the field with everyone, but i PROMISE you many of them will happily commit to someone else. It’s absolutely true that many girls cling their way from hookup to relationship but it’s not organic and the moment her effort stops his attraction will.

It isn’t JUST hotness though. Once she is over the hotness threshold that’s where everything in personality and fit and all starts to come in. The trouble is you assess all these things AFTER sex. It’s “is this girl hot enough for a relationship?” Yes? Okay now let’s figure out if this works.

This is unfortunately where i break from the girls telling my you to hold off sex entirely. Obviously i am a guy so I’m incentivized to tell you to try us all on, but if you are the type of woman who finds sex too emotionally risky then this is a bad idea. Unfortunately that also means you’re more likely to be the kind of girl who gets into situations like the one you’re in now

Also I agree you need to stop approaching men if you are worried about getting hurt. That’s for cool sluts who don’t give a fuck. It also sends the exact opposite signal regarding your relationship style.

Edit: as you get older the IMMEDIate looks heuristic fades into something more complex... but you also have a pretty good sense of your sexual range once you’ve acquired that much experience, so it doesn’t make you any less of a pig sometimes

dylang92 · 2020-04-08T17:11:23+00:00

2nd or 3rd date, if I set up another date with you, I’m definitely into you. Been on plenty of 1st dates that I went on and just decided to never call again. I may have a few reservations going into the 2nd still, but if I’m asking you for a third, then im absolutely set on being in an LTR with you

goatismycopilot · 2020-04-08T19:12:22+00:00

In college most men want to hook up. Some will do a LTR and then they want to break up once you graduate. Then right after college they want to party and hook up if they get a decent job. Then if they are making good money they want to do adventure bro and hobby bro stuff and since women aren't interesting enough a GF just gets in the way

They follow the herd so they start to marry have LTRs once the cool guys in their social circles do it. Much though there is a lot of blathering about men leading here they really do not do much of it so if their social group is single dudes they stay single once the cool dude in their group gets married then they get married.

So if you are bi makes more sense to LTR the women who probably want a relationship and hook up with the men if you are curious and just tick it off.

2020-04-08T17:06:20+00:00

We know fairly early if we want to LTR a woman. At your age a reasonable percentage of men will be mostly concerned with just sex and they'll be overrepresented in the group of men that are actually going out and finding dates and such. The more LTR minded men are probably focused on their studies and trying to set themselves up for the future rather than going out chasing women.

SeemedGood · 2020-04-08T18:40:00+00:00

There are likely many men with whom you regularly interact who would wish to enter into an LTR with you but they are invisible to you.

So the basic answer for you is:

Never

...because you are not sexually attracted to the men that want and value LTR relationships. Rather, you are sexually attracted to the men who value and want casual sexual relationships.

Thus the complex answer for you is:

At the same point at which you start being sexually attracted to men who desire an LTR with you.

SherbertBacon · 2020-04-08T19:47:37+00:00

at what point do men decide if a partner is worth anything for them in a LTR?

Usually I know almost right away whether I see someone as LTR potential. I just don't propose commitment until I also know she can be trusted and relied upon, and that her qualities match what I think they are. That means sometimes I start dating someone with the intent of moving towards commitment, but it genuinely does "fall through" because of discovered incompatibilities.

If I know right away that this isn't LTR potential I'm up front about it being casual. Not all men (or women) operate on this level of transparency.

what the thought process/event or time period or life milestone it is that causes men to decide they want a LTR instead of 12 side chicks

Some of it is being mentally ready/wanting a long-term thing. More of it is pursuing someone he could see himself committing to in the first place. Occasionally it will be the case of "I was after a hookup and then fell in love" but I find that's much rarer for men—all my mates fell in love with their ladies while looking for LTRs and not before.

RedLeverage · 2020-04-08T20:39:08+00:00

The men you’ll date at this age will be immature, lazy, and too focused on sex. If you decide to go for older men, you’ll only attract creepy guys.

At this age, you’re better off being single, working on yourself, and skipping out on men who would have only brought you heartbreak and trauma. It’s not worth it. Work on yourself first and then you can date later when you’re more mature.

This is the advice that I wish I could have given to my younger self.

WIA20XX · 2020-04-08T17:39:36+00:00

Average guy will LTR a chick right out of the gate if she's hot enough and he doesn't think he can do better. He'll keep that new relationship energy up for a long time. These are the guys that say, "Once I saw her, I knew was the right one".

A guy that fucks a lot isn't so easily impressed by a pretty face, cute body, and agreeable personality.

He's had girlfriends before. He knows what that is like. He also knows the single life. Both have pros and cons.

His decision to LTR comes from dating fatigue. He gets to his late 20's/early 30's with a decent body count. Once a chick meets his basic criteria, she's good enough to long term.

Can I live with this chick? That's the central question.

p_and_q · 2020-04-08T17:44:01+00:00

The biggest mistake I see women make is that they choose to keep their intentions ambiguous, which allows the guys they date to do the same. Nothing can stop someone from lying to you. But if you choose to take cop-out answers because you're afraid of losing a guy you like, then you're going to continue to get used.

Example:

Question: What are you looking for?

Ambiguous answer: I'm just seeing what's out there.

Straightforward Answer: I'm looking for something long term that eventually leads to marriage. In the meantime I'm open to other types of relationships like hookups and friends with benefits.

Cobra_x30 · 2020-04-08T18:34:02+00:00

Your job is to get men to emotionally invest in you. If they all just want quick sex then you are not really getting them to care. You are not presenting yourself correctly.

Asbelowsoaboveme · 2020-04-08T17:01:38+00:00

They usually know during the first or second date whether they put you into the Madonna box or the whore box. But they will pretend to be undecided in an effort to obtain sex. If he’s not treating you like his dream girl, then you’re not his ideal type and you need to move on before getting further invested or god forbid getting physical.

Source: the horse’s mouth. My boyfriend knew the second I walked out of my house on our first date that he wanted to be with me seriously and lock me down, my close male friends admit they know their intentions before they even go out on a date with a new girl. It’s not about you and it’s not about your behavior, it’s about how closely you match up to a guy’s ideal type and then he’ll project all the lovely wife qualities he wants onto you.

2020-04-08T17:46:57+00:00

I think there are 3 phases, here they are in chronological order

both people must be looking for a relationship
mutual attraction
getting to know one another deeply, like-mindedness, compatibility (including sexual compatibility).

NOTE: the above applies to good and healthy relationships.

Million-Suns · 2020-04-08T18:29:03+00:00

At the first glance. We already know if we consider you wife material or just a sex partner in the few seconds we've seen you.

It does not mean that perception cannot change overtime, but usually it's determined right away.

paladine76a · 2020-04-08T23:14:28+00:00

Short answer - AFTER they have sex with you.

Long answer - men evaluate women's sexual ability and compatibility the same as women do, and we prefer to not waste our time. Wasting our time is going weeks or months trying to get a girl in bed just to find out we are then incompatible.

Pass that test and we start thinking you are a keeper. String us along wasting our time and money....no chance honey.

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passepar2t · 2020-04-08T17:17:24+00:00

After we've been dating several weeks and had sex a few times.

reluctantly_red · 2020-04-08T18:28:38+00:00

When they meet someone who is significantly better than their previous women. Could be tomorrow. Could be next year. For some guys this may never happen.

saladfingers4141 · 2020-04-08T20:32:00+00:00

Sounds like you've figured it out already. Dudes in college are less likely to settle down than a 27 year old because they are surrounded by single females 24/7 and college is seen by a lot of people their chance to sleep around.

cuckspace · 2020-04-08T20:49:34+00:00

What are you bringing to the table, other than sex? I’m not saying that’s your case, but most modern women completely fail to cultivate and present feminine traits that make them attractive for a LTR. Many more men would have completely given up on pursuing women if not for the sex drive. There is simply not much else that makes them worth pursuing. But don’t ask other young women for advice. Ask your grandmother or great grandmother. This generation is lost to the brain virus called feminism.

eboy4hire · 2020-04-09T01:46:11+00:00

I think it's like you said, certain life milestones or time periods influence men to start looking for LTRs. I hate the phrase, it's not you it's me, but I think that also applies here. There are certain types of men who are always looking for LTRs. Some men want to make sure they have all their shit together before they get in an LTR.

Are you willing to be a dude's fucktoy as long as you're both exclusive and maybe not have as complete of a relationship at the beginning? I think if you let some of these men warm up to you, assuming you get their word that it's an exclusive relationship, and then allow the relationship to gradually develop into the areas you'd like it to, it assures the man that you're not just trying to get a free meal out of him.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2020-04-09T05:00:45+00:00

Your odds will improve once you finish university and the fuckfest slows down a bit.

richlad · 2020-04-09T07:04:53+00:00

I am no longer at college but my brother is.

And he says that 80% of student in his collage are actually women and rest 20% are men.

He's less attractive than me and getting laid left right with zero money or efforts spent.

And this has made him develop a skewed view of women, that they only want sex nothing more is possible for them. When he developed feelings for one, she left him for next guy she could get. And now he's doing same to everyone.

DangZagnut · 2020-04-08T17:14:15+00:00

if a partner is worth anything for them in a LTR? i

If they ever became worth anything more than casual.

In college or high school, women's inherent value is existing, being young, and the best they'll probably ever be. Men are a penny a cartful of cock, so who cares. They have nothing, and until they age and have any career potential and money they'll never be worth anything.

Unfortunately, after college women tend to hit a real wall (not that wall) where they aren't surrounded by constant lust and praise and tons of thirsty men in their age group.

Instead, like everyone, they tend to hit the "real world", where suddenly there's a huge amount of competition. Girls aren't 18, now they're 24/25 and guys are dating 21/22 year olds.

So she may be more concerned at this age for a LTR, but she's in a bind because now she's surrounded by what she's surrounded by, horny 40 year olds don't appeal to her, and since she's spent years just existing and having no other discernible value, she has nothing to offer. Now your time is more spent working or building a career or higher education or whatever that sucks time away from you.

It's been said time and time again, men don't really care that much about what women think is important in men. A woman's career or education makes her useful for bar trivia night for a bar tab, but that's about all that value is. Mostly similar socioeconomic background is good enough.

If you've never grown anything unique or interesting and you're basically just a moist hole with a built in Uber driver, then why would I want to write a check against that investment? Moist holes become a penny a cartful when the guys have career and money and all that bullshit HVM potential, and the women are just...college girls all grown up doing...something...like all the others. No snowflake here.

So if a guy is looking for a LTR, you have to bring more than "girl" to the table. You aren't 18 anymore. You have to show some sort of value, or hope you find a successful guy desperate for moist holes but too stupid to know his own value. IE: The unicorn beta buxx who will write that check against what little value you offer other than a womb.

How will you know? You won't. Either give yourself real value and throw away stupid ideologies that remove you from the relationship pool, or keep treading water hoping that guy you ignored in high school still has a thing for you.

2020-04-08T17:04:29+00:00

When they click with you.

churnthrowaway123456 · 2020-04-08T22:48:28+00:00

at what point do men decide if a partner is worth anything for them in a LTR?

Pretty much the first or second date.

i dont want to change my morals to allow sex on the first date (i j dont want casual sex) but it seems once i say no to this, they loose all interest in meeting up w me again.

FYI, it makes zero difference if you sleep with me on the first date or not.

M4sterDis4ster · 2020-04-08T17:07:48+00:00

I usually give out 3 month contract.

First 3 months I dont really care about anything but sex and that she is fun. This way I ensure I got sex and that all that time wasnt really a waste.

After those 3 months I start doing digging: Her past, what she wants in future, her ideals, political affiliation etc etc.

Then I decide if she is LTR material or not. If she is not, then I gradually start ghosting her and looking for better.

Title	When do men decide that a partner has LTR potential?
Author	kkillah
Upvotes	6
Comments	172
Date	April 8, 2020 3:47 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/fx8u0m/when_do_men_decide_that_a_partner_has_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/when-do-men-decide-that-a-partner-has-ltr.361315 https://theredarchive.com/post/361315

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