Why "Be Yourself" is the Best Advice

TofuTofu · 2012-05-16T22:16:57+00:00

Just curious, have you read any Eckhart Tolle?

BSchoolBro · 2012-05-16T22:00:26+00:00

Exactly! Couldn't have phrased it better. The problem I had with the post you are referring to is, in essence, telling you to change who you are. I do not agree with this, because without restrictions we have set in our own bloody minds; we are the fucking man.

Believe that.

edit Let me quickly note that losing weight, getting in shape, dressing better, etc. is not a bad thing! However, I hope people can relate to this, imagine your game without restrictions; imagine yourself somewhere between tipsy and drunk. I have had some legendary nights cause of my friends Jack and Daniel, spitting epic game and pulling women left and right. Gotta keep on practicing doing it sober though!

testmypatience · 2012-05-16T21:05:58+00:00

God, that makes such perfect sense. When someone says, "Be Yourself" that doesn't at all mean "Don't change a thing!"

"Be Yourself" means feeling comfortable doing whatever the hell you want to do. Act like a natural because that's what naturals do.

HYisAwk · 2012-05-17T00:21:42+00:00

what a great post, something I feel that should be shared beyond r/seduction.

For myself, the last few years have been hard due to some social anxiety issues stemming from my belief that I am a hideous looking monster. When I first developed these issues, I slowly started killing my social life for I was too afraid to go out. Now, I'm extremely scared just to be in a room with people due to my thoughts of how I look.

Past year, I was in a group for a class, and there was one girl in it who I developed a massive crush for. However, with my thoughts at their peak about how ugly I am mixed in with feelings of depression, I would want to be myself around these people and especially the girl in order just to develop some social relationship, but couldn't. I came off with some hard negative energy/no eye contact/spoke very little/anxious all the time. The school year is over, and I didn't develop any friendships with any of the people in the group, and barely improved upon talking to the girl from the beginning to the end.

Biggest regret I have now is that looking back on my uni life, especially with that group, I let these negative thoughts from my ego slowly destroy who I actually wanted to be. I want to be a positive/funny/kind guy that I am around friends/family, but I just can't around strangers due to these thoughts coming from my head. I'm slowly trying to improve, and come to the realization that even if I am hideous looking, I can still hopefully be okay with who I am and live a social life. Developing attraction is a whole other battle I'm afraid I won't win though....

HelloHiHello · 2012-05-16T22:56:27+00:00

I love this man, truly love this! Thank you for this. Let me ask you this, when she asks you "why do you come over here", what did you answer? Also, once the anxiety was gone did she continue to want to hang out with you?

I ask because I feel the same way with my current situation with the girl I am talking to.

Gaius_Octavius · 2012-05-17T02:25:29+00:00

I think this may have been the best thing I've ever read on Seddit.

PhedreRachelle · 2012-05-17T01:26:04+00:00

So glad you described this on the deep level

All these people talking about changing yourself (and being afraid to change yourself) aren't talking about their selves at all. They are talking, exactly as you've put, about changing their behaviors or response sets. But they don't even realize that

Yes, change your response set, change the way you act. Totally! The way to change those things, is in to the things YOU would normally do. The problem though, is a lot of people can not even see who THEY are. They interpret their anger or insecurities as a part of themselves, and think things like being a total dick is just who they are, rather than an expression of their fears or need to be accepted.

Also, this would not apply to sociopaths. No sociopaths, don't just be yourself

m2c · 2012-05-17T01:37:16+00:00

Fucking genius - thank you for putting it like that, it not only simply explains what causes you to 'go for it' or 'not right now', but honestly remembering this in a time of anxiousness will likely give you the reasoning to do whatever the hell YOU want.

I don't know how well this vibes with most, but having also read some Eckhart Tolle, this is probably the best way to relate it to seduction.

2012-05-17T15:15:52+00:00

This was a very good read for me. I'm keeping this in mind. Thanks

eyesoutofsockets · 2012-05-16T22:19:31+00:00

TL;DR "Be Yourself" means "Put Your(best)self Out There."

HelloHiHello · 2012-05-16T23:10:58+00:00

I think you are comparing apples and oranges. What TrippAdvice is saying is that without a radical change in some form or another, if you're failing, you will continue to fail. If you change a major aspect of yourself, you're no longer the same. You're augmented. Improved. You're "You 2.0". If you're a failure with women, it's because "You 1.0" sucks, not because the "You 10.0" is still going to suck.

And this is why I think telling people "be your best self" at the same time you tell them "you are good enough" is dishonest and actually very misleading.

Fiach_Dubh · 2012-05-16T22:56:49+00:00

thanks i needed to hear this, and i'll be keeping it in mind.

Bookey · 2012-05-16T23:17:13+00:00

Amazing read, never thought about it this way and has perfect sense.

squarehouse · 2012-05-17T02:54:13+00:00

Insightful post. In fairness to the ego though, rejection does hurt--a lot. The ego isn't this horrible thing that has no purpose but preventing us from being happy.

Otherwise, yep to everything you've said here. It doesn't really contradict the idea that "be yourself" is bad advice, you've just changed the concepts around. If "yourself" includes the ego, then "be yourself" is bad advice.

My opinion: It's still bad advice, because it assumes that "yourself" is this unchangeable thing. We're all in a state of becoming, so when we try to assess ourself, our assessment is always out of date. 20-year olds still see themselves as the people they were in high school, but that's no longer who they are.

TrippAdvice1 · 2012-05-17T04:16:03+00:00

I think we were sort of talking about two different things here, but this post clarified everything nicely. The ego and the self was something that I combined. On that note, FUCK EGO. Good stuff. Upvoted.

2012-05-17T05:04:30+00:00

Awesome, awesome post. Fucking zen.

MartMillz · 2012-05-17T05:11:53+00:00

I do enjoy these posts, they're all usually very insightful. But the more I read them, the more convinced I become that "being yourself" isn't something that can be taught or explained, it's just something you have to learn for yourself. Or, more appropriate, within yourself.

Honestly, cold approaching people you are attracted to is probably the best way to do this because it's so damn scary the first few times. But it's scary in that exhilarating way; the way big rollercoasters are scary the first few times.

It involves listening to yourself and not questioning your instincts. Just being attracted to someone or something is such a primal instinct that to acknowledge yourself and then go do something about it is just empowering.

"I wanted to meet you. I don't need a reason, I was simply attracted to you. I don't care why I was, it makes no difference. I'm just following my instincts." It's nothing to be ashamed of despite the fact that society seems to discourage it.

This is a never ending process, but when you start to exponentially expand your comfort zones, suddenly other people become the ones who have to start accommodating themselves to you. Suddenly you're no longer the one being judged, you can't be because it won't affect you anyway. Suddenly people worry because they start to care what you think, and if you might judge them. But even though you know you can judge them, you wouldn't do that anyway. That's powerfully cool.

Betterman92 · 2012-05-17T14:33:19+00:00

Really dig this article. Lots of good information for people like me! Thanks brother! :)

HelloHiHello · 2012-05-17T16:11:55+00:00

This might get buried for joining in so late, but if you like this video in relation to your post maybe you could edit it in to share it with others.

You stated:

Anxiety exsists in your head.

I couldn't agree with you more. I saw this video a few weeks ago and it resonated something in me to the core on a simplistically logical level.

No Fear in the Now

I try to watch this video every day. It's only 1m 37s so sometimes I watch it a few times so I can completely take in it's message. I hope you like it if you haven't seen it before.

Naxili · 2012-06-11T03:42:27+00:00

This is the most inspiring thing I've ever read O.O

2nd_class_citizen · 2012-05-17T01:48:54+00:00

What you cited from 60YOC is arguably the best part: the idea that momentum is one of the keys to successful game. Doing what you feel initially builds momentum, and talking yourself out of it kills it.

DesignMyself · 2012-05-17T03:00:01+00:00

This is great. Thank you.

Don't reject yourself.

2012-05-17T03:38:10+00:00

I love you

kidweapon · 2012-05-17T03:39:32+00:00

Bravo! Thank you so much for writing this!

I thought I discovered all the things about myself that were holding me back but that opened a whole new gate to thinking.

2012-05-17T03:59:54+00:00

Yep, turns out your mom was right all along. Now can we close this subreddit and start over?

2012-05-17T04:36:58+00:00

Awesome post. Feel like putting this on my phone and reading it every time I go out a night. Superb Job Man! So glad my cousin told me about this subreddit :)

HelloHiHello · 2012-05-17T05:03:32+00:00

[permanently deleted]

keikenamarinai · 2012-05-17T05:51:47+00:00

I haven't finished reading this yet (about halfway through as of now) but this is what I needed to read right now.

edit: finished. Thanks for writing this.

knejk · 2012-05-17T05:59:54+00:00

Came here to say this. Nice job of putting it all together!

galloog1 · 2012-05-17T07:40:21+00:00

That is what my mom always told me.

dlefnemulb_rima · 2012-05-17T07:40:32+00:00

I was gonna make a comment on how Freud is bullshit and his theories were based entirely on his sessions with repressed Victorian women that he didn't even take notes on, but this made a lot of sense.

nulearnerdap · 2012-05-17T07:41:10+00:00

thank you so much

skcin7 · 2012-05-17T08:19:44+00:00

I'm saving this thread. I very rarely save threads. Maybe 5-10 total in 1.5 years of using reddit. Thanks.

SoInsightful · 2012-05-17T10:12:39+00:00

The message is great, so I won't be too much of a Debbie Downer, but it all seems kind of farfetched. If anyone reading this took the concept to heart, great! Skip this post.

Claiming that you are whoever you want to be seem dishonest. By those standards, the world's most introvert guy is a social king and a casanova; the world's fattest guy has a dream hollywood body; and I am actually a famous musician and president of the world, just that my ego is stopping me.

By telling someone to be the person you want to be, you are by definition telling him to be his best self, which is a great advice that I live by. You are just changing the semantics of the terms surrounding the "self" to take desires and aspirations into account.

So yes, all this advice is superb—great job!—but it's not really "be yourself". It's still "be your best self", or "become the person you want to be". And I still contend that "be yourself" is a piece of advice that does more harm than good.

bubblybooble · 2012-05-17T10:46:04+00:00

The ego is your desires (your id) tempered by logic and memory of previous experience (the superego).

So there is no true self or inner self or any shit like that. Your current ego is who you are. That is your self, your true self, your inner self and any other kind of self. It's all you have. If it doesn't work, you have to change it to become someone else, a new your self.

If we ignored the ego and went with the id every time, like you suggest, we'd rape every goddamn whore we see. That's not workable in the long term, at least not for mere mortals in civilized society. It works for the most powerful men on the planet, but they rarely need to resort to this approach anyway.

StewartKruger · 2012-05-17T10:46:28+00:00

TL:DR

Id vs Ego, the more Id the better.

watEvery1_isThinking · 2012-05-17T11:03:36+00:00

Be yourself isn't wrong but that doesn't mean it isn't shitty advice for someone who doesn't know what is attractive

ymrhawk · 2012-05-17T15:04:54+00:00

Great message, at least the "Just Be Yourself" will actually means something 1% of the time.

Seriously most people who say those words usually don't know what they hell they are talking about and I don't want give them anymore credit than they deserve.

HelloHiHello · 2012-05-17T16:18:36+00:00

I've been reading a lot of the Tao Te Ching and the Chuang-Tzu lately and this has a lot of parallels with the idea of Wu Wei. Take a gander at those if you have the time.

breadrising · 2012-05-18T01:30:44+00:00

Great topic!

Ironically enough, I made a blog post about this same topic yesterday and touched on (basically) the very same idea.

Shameless plug to my blog entry

HelloHiHello · 2012-10-02T22:28:41+00:00

Hey I was curious to know if it would be okay to use this post on my blog and quote you. The info here really hit home and it will for a lot of self improvement readers. Drop me a PM.

mariodood · 2012-05-17T02:22:05+00:00

Can we not get caught up in what be yourself means?

It's just a platitude. It sounds nice and people dispense it as advice when they don't have anything better to say. The fact that we have to write pages upon pages defending/attacking it means that just saying "be yourself" isn't helping anyone, so let's all move on

ElevenIdiots · 2012-05-17T13:30:54+00:00

Well- I have a different view. There is very thin line between confident and delusional. Trying to be better person is like a roller skates sport...either you keep moving and going places or fall down if you are content with what you have.

The best way of being the best man here is to do a deep soul searching exercise and identify the weak points, areas of opportunities and then determine yourself to attack it head on. The confidence you would gain from this would be amazing and that would help you define your frame.

For example- I know I need some work on my inner game and that's not due to lack of preparation but its' mostly because of lack of time to go out in field and do random approaches.

To summarize, Be yourself would not fetch you any gains until you work on your weakness and convert that pain points into gain points.

2012-05-17T02:10:56+00:00

I'm actually writing a book, in french, pretty much on this concept. Be your real self kinda sums it up indeed, but it implies meditation...

Title	Why "Be Yourself" is the Best Advice
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	326
Comments	111
Date	May 16, 2012 8:10 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/tqgvn/why_be_yourself_is_the_best_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/why-be-yourself-is-the-best-advice.1332733 https://theredarchive.com/post/1332733

Comments