Needing advice and support

machiavella_89 · 2021-09-27T17:56:21+00:00

I was you about 10 years ago, living with a man who had to be pressured to put in even the slightest effort, a man who had untreated mental health issues he wouldn't take responsibility for. I stayed with him for over six years, against my better judgement.

I know it's hard to leave. I know you feel guilty and responsible for him. He knows it too, and he will use it against you every chance he gets, because you are not valuable to him. Unlike you, he isn't considering what's best for the person he claims to love. He is fine dragging you down with him.

It hurts so much to acknowledge that, but it's the truth. He doesn't even respect himself enough to get help. How can he respect and value you?

If you're having trouble being brave (all of us do), try being afraid. Be afraid of what your life will look like years down the road if you're still with him. Be afraid of the overwhelming additional amount of heartbreak, disappointment, and hurt you will experience if you stay with him. Be afraid of the time you will waste and the other beautiful relationships (romantic and otherwise) you will be missing out on if you continue pouring your precious time and energy into someone who will do nothing but absorb them like a black hole.

I know you want to save him, but you can't. So save yourself before it's too late.

If he has guns and is unwell mentally, you should not be alone with him, especially when you tell him you're leaving for good. Surround yourself with people you can trust. Block him everywhere. Don't underestimate him.

And showing up at your house getting belligerent and aggressive because he thinks he has a claim on you after you tried to break things off? Don't downplay this. Please don't. This is a massive, terrifying red flag. He could easily turn violent against you. Be afraid of that. Get away from him.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-09-27T17:59:01+00:00

I just don’t know how to break up with him and do it in a way that won’t make him start spiraling.

You can’t, because you have no control over his emotional state. He is using his threats, his subtle innuendos of suicide ideation, his gun collection, etc. Whatever it is, it’s a means of controlling you. You are literally in danger of losing your life and he is still controlling you through your empathy and pity for him.

Get to a safe place, cease contact immediately, get a restraining order process started, document everything. Please stay safe, and stay strong. You don’t deserve this, and he doesn’t deserve you.

shockingupdate · 2021-09-27T17:46:17+00:00

If he is prone to angry outbursts, banging on your door unannounced, and COLLECTING GUNS, you need to get as far away from him as possible. Break up with him for good, don’t be vague about it, disappear from his life, block him, stay with a friend for a few days in case he shows up again. This man sounds like a MASSIVE risk to your life. In my 30-ish years, five men have cited their mental health issues and/or threatened suicide to get me to stick around so they can use me for whatever the fuck. I didn’t, and last I checked, they’re all still alive. Even if that weren’t the case…if he dies, he dies. We need to make sure he doesn’t try to drag you down with him.

You’re not his caretaker. You’re not keeping him in check. You’re not helping him. He’s using you as an emotional punching bag, a coping strategy. You need to worry about keeping yourself safe before things escalate.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-27T17:50:16+00:00

He sounds dangerous and terrible. First off ensure your safety - tell your family and friends about this and secure a place to live where he doesn't have access.

Also, someone threatening to off themselves because you leave is abusive. I once had a bf do this and I was so stressed making sure he was OK that I let him trample all over my studies with his "emergencies" and "needing to talk". 😒 The dude is fine and is stressing out some other woman now. Tldr he's way more likely to hurt you than himself.

caitlin_yes · 2021-09-27T20:25:05+00:00

Hey babe. My ex committed suicide after we broke up. That was not my fault, it was a decision he made. You do not need to put the responsibility on yourself of being your boyfriend's life support. Even though I know it's hard to walk away, you are currently sacrificing your life for his and that is not okay.

In your situation, here is what I would recommend: 1. Make sure all your things are gathered and you are able to make a safe and quick exit 2. Put a friend on the alert, share your location with them via Google maps, and plan to go to their place for several days after the breakup. 3. If you have his parents contact info, you can message them before breaking up with him - be brief, explain you are breaking up and you are concerned for his mental health, ask them to check in on him. Then block them. 4. If you don't have his parents contact info, and he does threaten his life when you leave, call 911 and explain the situation. They can check on him. 5. BLOCK HIM IMMEDIATELY or he will emotionally manipulate you into coming back.

3 and 4 are optional, but they can help you feel more at peace if he were to end up hurting himself, because you made an effort.

Please also be prepared to file a restraining order. Gather items like pepper spray and personal alarm in preparation. I fear he may become violent with you and will not take no for an answer.

He will never heal himself while you are together, because he just doesn't have to.. he has you to take his issues out on. Staying is bad for both of you.

You do not want to look back another 3 years from now and realize how much of your own life you've wasted out of feeling obligated to be there for someone who doesn't care about you. Leave now, and seek counseling for yourself so that you can grow stronger and more confident, and more emotionally equipped to handle any bad future situations.

sexualfoodpantry · 2021-09-27T18:35:57+00:00

Sweatheart. This is way above your paygrade. This is way above ours. You'll have to contact your local domestic violence shelter, tell them everything and then do exactly as they say.

You might have to go underground. You might have to move. You might even have to change your name.

This is not a joke.

Men who fit that profile kill women all over the planet every single day. They are sick, not unlike rabid dogs.

CoffeeCakeGod · 2021-09-27T18:08:16+00:00

He starts spiraling because he knows it will work on you. Consider that you guys repeatedly break up and get back together, he has no reason to change because he knows there are no end game consequences. Nothing can be salvaged because you have taught him he won't be held responsible and therefore doesn't need to change.

The best thing to do is block him, delete every picture, throw out everything that reminds you of him. This is something supported by research, put of sight out of mind is very real when it comes to relationships.

Next, and this is the important part, you WILL feel like shit because terminating a relationship has similar symptoms to withdrawal. Also something seen in research. You need to replace that "high" you got from what little attention he showed you, but most people make the mistake of getting it from someone new. Instead, find a show/podcast/hobby whatever it may be to distract you. Find someone to talk to and hold you responsible, make new posts on FDS to interact and stimulate yourself, take your laptop and go to a park or Cafe and just get out.

It sucks, and we know that, but 3+ months from now you will look back and be grateful you cut and burn without a care for how he feels. He doesn't care how you feel.

FlockAroundtheClock · 2021-09-27T18:08:54+00:00

If he comes to your house again, call 911 and tell them someone is trying to break in. Do NOT tell them it is your ex.

RainbowChardonnay · 2021-09-27T17:44:30+00:00

First order of business is to protect yourself! Go somewhere safe. You should probably consider a restraining order. Tell him it’s over then block him. He’s not your problem. If he hurts himself it’s not your fault. Better that than him hurting you.

Competitive_Bar8657 · 2021-09-27T21:27:25+00:00

🚩 3 years too long

🚩21 and 24 too young, focus on school and your own life, don’t marry young

🚩told you he’ll never marry you

🚩sucks as boyfriend

🚩broken up gotten back (why? Not other men around? Get therapy)

🚩24 yo boy with a lot of guns

🚩mental issues

🚩jealous and aggressive (he will murder you when he gets angry!)

This man will ruin your life and murder you, you should file a police report for stalking, start screaming “help” the moment he approaches you, get a restraining order and therapy because you’re a victim of abuse. Or in a few years you will be dead.

deadinsidelol69 · 2021-09-27T18:27:18+00:00

Make a safety plan and ask local law enforcement or a domestic violence shelter about the requirements for a protective order. Go somewhere that he can't find you. Make sure your friends and family are aware of his actions and seek their support for how to get away from him safely. Call an abuse hotline.

Stay safe!!!

LR_today · 2021-09-27T18:44:09+00:00

Get a restraining order, find out if you can have his guns taken (where I am when you get arrested for mental health issues, they can take your guns).

He will never marry you or be a partner, he told you straight off, listen to him.

Him threatening to harm himself is a manipulation, he will only harm YOU. He only cares about himself.

preppykat3 · 2021-09-27T20:03:56+00:00

Ghost him and get a restraining order ASAP!!! This man will ruin your life.

xfelugirlx · 2021-09-27T18:45:36+00:00

Protect yourself, seek for help in your family. This man sounds like a narc or psycho, 6 guns? Agressive behaviour? Run.

munissa · 2021-09-27T20:45:12+00:00

First off, protect yourself. Be by friends and family. Make sure you let them know how he is and how he treats you. Something I realized during my tough times with my ex, I didn’t let anyone who actually cares/loves me know what’s going on which is very dangerous - we all need support and although you have ours, we can only provide it virtually. Through my tough times, my family and friends were always here to help whenever I needed it but keep in mind they need to know how to help you.

Once you know you are safe, cut ties with him. He is manipulating you to stay and each time you stay he treats you worse since he knows he can always get you back so what’s the point in trying on his end. Make sure to break up and block. If he ends up trying to see you in person and knock at your door to try anything - call the police and let them know he is harassing you. I am not well versed when it comes to protocol in what happens when cops are involved, I do suggest if necessary to apply for a restraining order (hopefully he never puts you in a situation where it would escalate to that). When cops are involved, please be calm since we know the Gabby Petito case where the officers saw her as the aggressor since she “wasn’t in the right state of mind”.

Keep in mind the dangers of being involved with a mentally unstable man. Make sure to protect yourself.

MarsV89 · 2021-09-27T20:38:48+00:00

Do not feel weak girl. You are amazing for realising your worth and that this is not it for you. It’s horrible for us women because we actually get attached as we don’t see men as subhuman, and you have feelings even tho being rational you know this is over. As the other ladies are telling you your safety comes first and this guy could turn violent with all that arsenal, so get yourself to safety first , stay with friends, family and get ot of that situation as fast as you can. When he starts contacting you to get you back a family member must tell him that you’ll call the police and get a restraining order if he doesn’t leave you alone. Use all the resources available for you and ask for help. You are amazingly strong , don’t let that scrote ruin your life no more, you can do this , we know you can

LetsGetin_Formation · 2021-09-28T06:08:01+00:00

I’m just going to be blunt: if he’s capable of killing himself, he’ll take joy out of killing you first.

Read all of the comments about how to get out of a DV situation extremely seriously. If you stay too long or leave too carelessly, your life will be in grave danger.

You need to get out, move out, and change locks very soon. Hope you wake up to that severity soon girl. He hates you. Please save yourself.

ButterfliesHurricane · 2021-09-27T18:44:52+00:00

Can you stay with friends or family for a bit? You need to block this guy completely and call the police on him if you have to. You are strong. You can do this. Wishing you the best of luck. Hugs

ferociouslycurious · 2021-09-28T03:11:40+00:00

You not only NEED to leave him, you need to consult the domestic violence support community to learn the safest ways. Anger issues, outbursts, guns, making up reasons to show up on your doorstep AFTER you break up - you are at great risk of violence from him.

Platipus6 · 2021-09-27T22:33:05+00:00

He's not your problem. You've been manipulated by him for so long you feel "as one" and responsible for his emotions, fixated on keeping him calm and as if your survival depends on each other. It's codependent and trauma bonding. Stockholm syndrome. You think you'll die without him and he'll die without you. He doesn't think the same way. He's saying it to manipulate you to keep you under this boot.

He'll be just fine without you. These types always are. But they need firm boundaries and harsh consequences to get the message to move the fuck on.

Please start documenting and journalling his behaviour. Send him one final message to stop and screenshot it.

"Our relationship is over. We are done. Do not contact me again. Any further communication from you will result in a restraining order"

Unfortunately you have to leave him unblocked so that when he contacts you again you can go to the police and show them. Put his contact to silent in your phone.

Please take a trusted friend with you and have bullet points to keep you on track. Ask for a woman or a domestic violence cop to give a statement to.

BarbwireBoots · 2021-09-28T01:24:49+00:00

Honey, you will be on my heart. Take the advice offered here. You have far too much life ahead to live it like this. It doesn’t have to be this way. Believe that.

katiekat0214 · 2021-09-27T22:54:59+00:00

First of all, he does not respect you, because you've accepted low-value behavior over and over. He knows he doesn't have to try at all. Your standards, and the bar for him, are in hell.

Moreover, his mental health is his and only his to manage, as are his feelings about breaking up. You never have to manage anyone else's behaviors, and thinking you do is codependent. Read up on that. Google symptoms of codependency. That's the real problem: you feel needy and incomplete without him, but in reality, you are a complete, whole person on your own.

If he spirals, then this is not your problem; it's all his. YOU won't spiral. You, in fact, will sprout wings and your life will surge forward, in full gear, without him holding you back. He cannot and will not rise to your expectations, which you are entitled to have.

Move on, live your best life, and watch how much you accomplish in the next year. Best of luck. You are a queen, and you deserve the best in life. Internalize that. Believe it. It is ALL TRUE. You are loved by all the FDS queens here; now love yourself.

discoveringliberty · 2021-09-28T09:20:15+00:00

You aren't safe, this man sounds very dangerous. Please take the advice here and protect yourself. Question why you are more concerned about his safety than you are about your own

Title	Needing advice and support
Author	bluemexicanblanket
Upvotes	161
Comments	42
Date	September 27, 2021 5:38 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pwm85b/needing_advice_and_support/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/needing-advice-and-support.1073940 https://theredarchive.com/post/1073940

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