Do people still have long lasting happy marriage

Gattsama · 2022-11-16T21:42:16+00:00

So there are two questions here. Long marriage and happy marriage. We can look at the stats at long, but don't know how many of them are happy. So let me speak about my family, which is just my own personal non-random observations.

Of my immediate family to 1st cousins, for some counting 2nd marriage, there are 8. With divorces (counting people that remarried) of 12. There are a few other married couples but not sure they are happy or I know they aren't.

I think the best representative couple is my cousin E. He married once, they have 4 kids, 2 have graduated college (police officer and account), with one in HS and one in MS. He owns his own business, the wife works but he's the bread winner. They were pregnant with a 5th but had a miscarriage, and decided to stop.

E has always wanted exactly what he created. His own business, to work for himself, a large family and to be a great father/husband. He has a dream and frame. And he vetted women to find what he wanted. There's about a 6 year age difference.

My best friend J is similar. He's 42, but at ~36 married a 24y or 25y/o that he vetted the fuck out of to start a family after his business was stable. She's a stay at home wife, they have two kids. He meant here in Cebu, she was going to university to study English from Vietnam. Super catholic and super conservative woman.

I think in both cases the guys did not marry the girl that came along, or the one they had been dating the longest, or that most clicked with them. They both were looking for a wife and interviewed for long term wife qualities. J cut a ton of girls he really clocked with or liked that he thought were not good wife material. Eg he was dating a MBA that made great money, cooked, cleaned, sex, etc. But she came from a broken home and her family had a lot of divorce in it.

Both said they needed a girl with near zero drama and stress. And that's what the found.

So maybe they were both lucky. But in comparison to me. I was just dating, and the one that just stuck around became my girlfriend. And then after some many years I was like we should get married. Yeah there are issues but we love each other, and love conquers all.

I think my biggest mistake in my previous marriage was overly committing to early without proper vetting. There was drama and stress. And I choose to ignore that because 'love.' I don't think church going makes any real difference. I mean there are nations were adultery is a capital crime, people are super religious and they still cheat (eg Saudi Arabia)

But who knows. Might just be random statistically probably and not under our control at all...

TraditionalTackle1 · 2022-11-16T21:44:30+00:00

My parents are about to celebrate 50 years in December. Are they happy? I dont know. If you asked them they would tell you that they love each other but they are that typical couple that bicker and gripe with each other from morning til night. Its GD exhausting being around them sometimes. Funny thing is my dad worked and my mom was a SAHM and she controls EVERYTHING until this day. Being unhappy in my own marriage at only 13 years of marriage I certainly do not want to turn into them.

Far-Difference-8733 · 2022-11-16T21:33:40+00:00

The women do tend to leave quicker. We kind of live in an age of abundance (because of the sacrifices of the men before us), where the world is not fertile ground for the types of life-long relationships previous generations had. We’re in this weird time where the institutions that might have protected a woman from being destitute after making a TOUGH decision to leave their legitimately “abusive” husband (as opposed to today where literally every post you see on the divorce sub is about a “narcissist/abusive/gaslighting” situation - meaning they’d argue) - those protections still exist, but alongside an economic system that rewards corporations for hiring/promoting women. Along with that you find the allure of mass/social media that entices women to believe they’re missing out on a better version of life that’s hand curated to distract and appeal to them.

What you end up with is an institution that was meant to protect family survival (marriage) running up against man-made social systems that are intentionally or unintentionally tearing them apart. And in a world with no lack of resources, most choose to pursue greener pastures instead of plowing the fields of their marriages. It’s sad but it is what it is.

FunkyTownMascot · 2022-11-16T21:15:14+00:00

The only marriages I've seen that last a lifetime are LDS/Mormons. But, trust me, they are far from happy despite their outward appearances. I have a neighbor Mormon couple and in the summer they leave the windows open, as do I, and I hear her scream at that poor dude almost every day. He never responds. He just goes about his business and deals with it because divorce in the LDS church is a HUGE no-no.

StephenSDC · 2022-11-16T22:24:42+00:00

It's basically impossible for a man and woman to live together forever. Which is why it's a legitimate miracle when it happens. But it does.

I have 3 brothers, all of whom have been married for at least 30 years, all have grandchildren, all will (almost certainly) stay with their wives forever.

Edit: I guess they have the advantage of getting married 30 years ago when the feminist influences were a little more restrained.

EvidencePlz · 2022-11-17T00:59:04+00:00

Nope. Not anymore lol. Today's marriage is a very expensive form of prostitution.

ABBucsfan · 2022-11-16T21:05:20+00:00

What i observed as a formerly married person who got together with other couples and knee many others in church, is generally no. Content/comfortable maybe if you're one of the better ones. There is a reason everyone gushes over the old couple 'still in love '. If it was common it wouldn't be a big deal would it?

I have some friends that are just kinda comfortable enough with their spouse.. most added joy stems from their kids, but have their issues and frustrations with their spouse. Every time someone makes a nice post on anniversary there is always a we went through all this, wasn't easy, etc.. always a major qualifier before it after. there are obviously a lot that won't last, but even the ones that do it's very surprising when you find out their struggles, people you think look like the model family. Comfortable seems to generally be the best case. I will say I have one buddy who really seems to have done well and makes a great team with his wife.. they both stayed in the small town we all grew up in. Maybe something to be said about less hussle and bussle

fishingforthought · 2022-11-16T21:46:34+00:00

To get a real answer you might want to consider posting on another sub. I believe most visitors here are going though a divorce or have finished as I have.

I got a sock 12 days ago 🧦

Grand-Expression-493 · 2022-11-16T21:42:48+00:00

I think people always had problems. But in old days, maybe people were more resilient, tolerant to issues. Also the stigma of ending a marriage was much higher.

With no fault, and also more awareness, people have generally become less tolerant to misery or even indifferences.

Plus looking at what your life could have been via insta and Tiktok shorts haven't helped as well.

So, that's my take on why marriages are ending sooner and more frequently.

Agitated-Fee-6497 · 2022-11-17T02:29:26+00:00

I think in today's world it's rare. With all the hypergamy that exist today and all the tools available to explore other options rather than your spouse. Men are going to be more content then women to stay in a marriage and women won't leave unless they feel they have a better option. Moat of my friends are coming up on the 15 yr mark for their relationships and they are content but totally happy...no

caliguy75 · 2022-11-17T07:04:10+00:00

The ultimate of irony is that a woman's sexual market value peaks in early 20's. For a man who is fit, presents themselves well and makes above average money, his sexual market value peaks in his mid to late 40's. Women in their 30's all want the hot guy. They forget that they are competing with much younger and more attractive women in their 20's. What an illusion.

pk2at · 2022-11-17T01:30:41+00:00

Lets not confuse the issue, there are three legal states where a couple can live happily. 1) Sign the marriage certificate and live married the traditional way. 2) Co-habit happily without ever marrying and 3) For a small minority of rich couples who file strategically for divorce or legal separation and continue to co-habit happily. 1) or the traditional route is dying away and it should not be recommended to men as they risk getting divorced raped 2) is best choice for most middle class men who cannot afford lawyers, this is increasing 3) If you have the $$ or are willing to do a DIY strategic legal separation/divorce soon after marriage. This is a recent trend, so lets see how much these strategic divorces spread

Freedashin · 2022-11-17T07:30:28+00:00

With the rise of mgtow men are wishing up and not taking the shit deal. I personally am never gonna get married ever again. The juice isn't worth the squeeze.

rhett342 · 2022-11-17T07:35:39+00:00

I washappy as could be for 23 years until my wife threw it sway for a guy she worked with that looks like a real life Ned Flanders.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-11-17T11:34:56+00:00

The reason I think that you are posting here is because you already seem to have doubts. I am also assuming she is pushing for marriage or is demanding marriage. My advice is to cohabitate and see how she responds. We as men even when we cohabitate we take care of our responsibilities as husbands. So why marry? Plus consider your age and what you are trying to accomplish in life and is she going to help you or be in your way. If you want kids there are lots of options you don't need to get married to have kids

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-11-16T21:36:27+00:00

From the studies I've seen, after a few years of marriage, most people rank their overall happiness at about the same or lower compared to when they were unmarried. So at best, you'll find an equal level of happiness. At worst, you'll regret your decision for a variety of possible reasons.

But hope springs eternal.

dogsrule2019 · 2022-11-17T05:41:30+00:00

WorkingItOutSomeday · 2022-11-17T13:02:32+00:00

Historically marriages were a dick....long and hard.

Marriages were more of a social/political/financial contract and both viewed their role as a job to fulfill. The romantic Era eroded that and eventually found its way down to us common people after WWI.

If both parties manage expectations and try to fulfill their roles, they will both be happier long term.

BeachBumm45 · 2022-11-17T13:16:40+00:00

Pharmanomic · 2022-11-17T15:42:28+00:00

Idk about this generation but my neighbor has been married 41 years and seems very happy

WarBrilliant8782 · 2022-11-17T17:55:09+00:00

It might be confirmation bias... It's not like satisfied couples would post in divorce subs

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-11-17T18:08:39+00:00

Just trust the facts and your gut. Someone will want to be with you either married or not

j_k_802 · 2022-11-17T20:28:06+00:00

Long lasting ? Yup. Happy ? That’s one of those degree questions. Sorta 🧐

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2022-11-19T14:02:49+00:00

Marriage is unnatural in a post sexual revolution culture.

Which is to say marriage is unnatural.

Maybe 10% are happy.

Adventurous_Rain_279 · 2022-11-20T23:03:18+00:00

It looks like really hard, especially for soft / average dude. Because, we get fully into happy wife story and forget about ourselves - which kick off her leaving ( sooner or later).

Especially , with all attention seeking and social media - it is a disaster.

As well, we are not vetting woman and idealise them. We are “saving” them, until we run out of fuel.

Probably divorce is not that bad if you prepares. But after looking this thread for a year, I see none of us understood when she gonna leave/ or was cheating.

And , we were too committed and not prepare to leave.

Which leaves us in very unattractive position

So, if we would be prepared, vetted our womab well, set proper boundaries and communicated well along the way - probably it is all possible

But, nowadays seem hard to find very committed woman, that eager to put hands dirty long term.

Objective_Problem_90 · 2022-11-21T18:56:49+00:00

I look at my own grandparents, they were married for 72 years. You could see that they really loved and cared for each other. Is it a generation thing? Perhaps. My ex wife refused to compromise on anything, and towards the end always said back stabbing insulting comments towards me. Counseling did nothing, as surprise surprise, she wasn't going budge one bit and felt like all the problems were me. The counselor told her bluntly that if she kept on that track, our marriage was over in 6 months. He was right, it was. Honestly I have no desire to get married again. Both people have to work at it, and if one partner decides not to help maintain it, it goes quickly south.

AmiceAnderson · 2022-11-25T21:19:24+00:00

My parents have been together for 34 years (or close to it) and are happily married. What I mean by happily is that they’re a team and they’re a strong couple. There’s no such thing as constant happiness, but they’ve always been there for each other, despite all of these horrible things happening to them - a sick kid, kids with LDs, cancer, etc. They have always been there for each other and love each other so much. I grew up around loving parents with a healthy marriage. So, I expected my marriage to be as strong and loving as my parents’. Guess not!

AmiceAnderson · 2022-11-25T21:29:42+00:00

Ugh. I am reading all of these answers and it’s so depressing. My parents have an amazing marriage. They’ve been through hell and are still able to laugh and have a good time. I thought I was going to be like them. They’re lucky I guess.

I want a family. I want to find someone, get married and build a life with him. I just had a series of tragic events all happen within less than a year and a half, right after COVID. Now being left is the latest thing.

I see how I was wrong and what I did wrong. But he wasn’t there for me at all. Or he wasn’t able to - I had everything wrong happen without stopping : sister in an abusive marriage, cut herself off from all of her friends and family (we were all VERY close), kidney stones, mom got cancer, omicron, sister wasn’t around to help out my parents and I couldn’t come because of omicron. His mom threw a spoon at me and he didn’t say anything. His sister went to rehab and announced it the day of the wedding so I spent hours sitting with him and filling out the rehab family background forms, and helping her pack. Or whatever. You cannot make this stuff up. And now? Divorce town. Like clockwork, I’ve had unbelievable back luck. I’m wondering if things will be better. People were absolutely shocked when he left, his friends included. He was talking about having kids with me and our big plans to them a week or two before. Oh well. It doesn’t get better does it?

Title	Do people still have long lasting happy marriage
Author	georeddit2018
Upvotes	19
Comments	69
Date	November 16, 2022 8:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/yx618n/do_people_still_have_long_lasting_happy_marriage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/do-people-still-have-long-lasting-happy-marriage.1140046 https://theredarchive.com/post/1140046

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