What has been your biggest bullet dodged, and which vetting strategy do you attribute to it?

t3ddi · 2022-02-23T01:53:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Aocwannabe · 2022-02-23T08:03:13+00:00

I know of zero happy relationships that begin with an inconsistent man. So if he disappears for more than 48 hours, I block and delete.
Almost every time, they reach out and beg for another chance and then ruin that, too. So no more second chances. (Second chances means “I’m learning how to manipulate you.”)
If he doesn’t follow through on something super basic that he said he would do…he calls at 8 PM like he said he would or he gets blocked. Follow through is not difficult for reliable, stable people.
If he is unclear about what he is looking for…the happiest straight relationships I know of are a dyad where the man wanted a relationship and practiced the skills to find a relationship with the right woman for him. The unhappiest pairings are men who settled for their situationship because he insisted she go with the flow. Sometimes he is happy but she is usually low key depressed/anxious and pretends to be okay with never getting sweet gifts or “putting labels on the relationship”.
If he doesn’t make my life better, 👋🏽. It really us this simple.

RedWineandWienerDogs · 2022-02-23T05:20:47+00:00

I find that sticking to my boundaries when it comes to physical touch, particularly sex, have served me very well. There have been many men who have wanted to have sex with me who I saw potential with, but I am very uncomfortable with moving fast, and these men always wanted to move fast. I always stood my ground. As a result, I’ve never been in a position where I regretted what I did with my body, nor have I ever felt that my body got used by someone.

Betty_Bottle · 2022-02-23T08:01:16+00:00

Don't date depressed men who aren't doing anything about it. They will bring you down.

I have spoken about this guy on here multiple times. Very depressed/suicidal and would weaponise that against me to make me feel sorry for him or get my attention.

He was aware of his mental health but refused to do anything about it. Like straight up said no when I asked him if he ever thought he should do something. I think he expected me to wave some magic wand and sprinkle him with my positive feminine energy and make him feel all better.

RedWineandWienerDogs · 2022-02-23T03:04:00+00:00

I (31f) went on a date with a guy (37m), and I was just hyper-observing his social media behavior for a bit. A couple days before our date I noticed he commented on a mutual friends (22f) photo with “🔥🥵”. It bothered me, but it wasn’t my place to say anything. Not long after that, I noticed he had followed and liked the photo of a girl that is in HIGH SCHOOL.

I was grossed out, to say the least.

ETA: yeah idk if “hyper-observing” is considered a vetting strategy, yet here we are, lol. bullet dodged.

askmeabouttheforest · 2022-02-23T01:36:10+00:00

Hahaha, got a good one:

So, a few years ago I moved into my current apartment; it's half a house, separated from the other half, that the landlord lives in. The landlord was real friendly - think bearded millenial self-identifying as a "free spirit". Over the course of the next 1.5-2 years, he did a lot of what I would call "baiting" - coming to talk to me often, standing very close to me while telling me how "we get along so great", compliments, that kind of things, it was very obvious that he was making moves. My best friend at the time thought he was sooo hot, but I just - felt completely flat about him.

Don't mistake me, I was raised as a pickmeisha, I drank the coolaid, but even then I couldn't find enough desire in me to engage with him in any way. So I just played dumb. He got a bit colder, but was always kind of trying to manipulate me. At one point he legit came to me just to point out how he was starting to go bald - at that point I was like "Hmmmm I'm not sure what's going here but I'm sure I don't want any of it" so, again, I just played dumb "Huh-huh, sure are going bald, kthanxbye have a good day!" (after reading FDS, I realize he'd just figured out he was hitting the wall and was fishing for a quick mommy bangmaid). Another time, he tried to "entice" me by going out shirtless while he knew I was already outside. Please imagine, if you will (and if you're not currently eating) - a pasty while, pillowy beer gut, and a pasty white back with tufts of hair. Like just tufts, I'm not sure what that's about but I'm guessing bad genes.

Anyway fast forward to now - he dropped his mask pretty fast when rental prices increased. He can't legally triple my rent overnight where I live, so he's trying to push me out so as to have someone else come in for three times the rent I'm paying (which, mind you, I have good reason to believe is the entire mortgage payment). So far this has included:

- Being extremely loud at night, among others by playing porn super loud in the middle of the night. When I asked him to stop, several times, he insisted on having "meetings" with me where he tried to browbeat me, except that it didn't work because, you know, I was entirely right. He complained a lot about me "depriving him of his rights".

- Habitually coming to sneak into my apartment when I was at work; I had to buy a camera to put in my apartment because of him.

- Being loud at night (and also during the day) in a way that I guess is an attempt at plausible deniability - stomping on the ground, slamming doors, "dropping" things on the floor, loudly, every five minutes for two hours in a row. There is especially an emphasis on implying violence - along with a few things he said, it's clear he wants to scare me out. The worst part is, I never shared any trauma with him, for a while I wondered how he figured it out (I've survived a lot of physical violence and this sh*t is so triggering I literally cry from it sometimes) and it took me a while to realize that he probably acts like this toward every woman who doesn't do what he wants, because it's worked for him before.

So, yeah, the situation sucks, but it's survivable. I'm looking for housing very actively, however at the moment everything I find is crazy overpriced. I am being wise with money and improving my situation, and researching, looking for options.

However, can you imagine what would have happened if I had actually had a situationship with him, or allowed him to touch me? I can imagine, and it's the stuff of nightmares.

Edit: someone here pm'd me but I accidentally ignored the pm. Sorry about that; if you message me again I'll talk to you.

OutlandishnessOk · 2022-02-23T02:46:24+00:00

I once had a guy invite me to eat at Subway at like 3 pm. I was just starting to have standards so instead of ghosting I told him I'd go to this cocktail bar I liked with him. He then confessed to me that he had chosen that place and time because he worked there and that was his lunch break. He had gotten a dui and his mom wasn't letting him go out after work 😅🤮

This actually was the singular experience that made me decide never to go on a fast food date again. And to always say no when a guy is insisting on one really awkward time slot.

dualita · 2022-02-23T03:37:14+00:00

Once a I dated a self called "feminist" (M28) and an hour after he told me this he said that women shouldn't have the right to get an abortion every time they want it SPECIALLY if their boyfriends disagree with that decision and then he said that men have "needs" so sex should happen right away and he tried to break my boundaries on that same day.

There was no vetting strategy, this was just my pure anger lol and blocked him after that date.

MissouriBlue · 2022-02-23T08:21:31+00:00

I went out to dinner with someone recently who set off some FDS-radar in me. I couldn’t put my finger on it… he was clean and neat and conversational and articulate and bought dinner without any bravado… but something was off.

I left the dinner and over the next week did some research and found he had several alterations with local law enforcement, was a felon.

Yeah, no thanks. I don’t need that in my life.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-02-23T01:28:33+00:00

Ooh I dodged a nuke when I was like 21.

I briefly dated a guy who was ~5 years older than me while I was in college. He "graduated" several years prior (but he was still taking undergrad classes?) and still worked at the coffee shop on campus. He was very careful to never let me see his driver's license so I never even knew his birthday and had to pry the info from friends. His ex was supposedly diagnosed with bipolar disorder, he never let me around his friends because I made him "feel old," and he legit wore a kilt that really tied his scraggly beard and skinny-fat belly pooch together. Oh and he had a micropeen. Yes, ladies, kilts and a 🤏🏻. Get in line for this catch!

But literally none of this was cause for concern for my former pickme self. I left because I always felt confused or uncertain around him and because the sex was awful. Even my former pickme self wasn't settling for both.

adalovelace1793--- · 2022-02-23T09:14:25+00:00

A LVM tried very hard to force me to accept zero value dates, ie: Oh, I wasnt able to make a booking at X place... and then had the scrotacity to suggest kissing... bleurgh! Also, what kind of respectable restaurant will be open at 11 pm on a tuesday? None, right? "Oh, no problem, lets have a cheap meal from a street vendor... " fuck all that. As soon as I uttered "Oh, I cant go out with you on wedenesday cause abc... " he melted away.... he was clearly looking for some bit and quit sex.... abd also I discovered he wasnt done with all his divorce procedures... soooo, a huuuge ZVM dodged! 💪💪💪

PollyannaPenny · 2022-02-23T13:50:16+00:00

After a second date, I told a guy that I would not have sex before marriage. Thats when he let me know that he was still married (but he and his wife were TOTALLY on track to get a divorce any day...). Never saw him again

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-23T04:04:43+00:00

This was when I was freshly separated from my marriage and kinda nuts with the new freedoms I had and the attention I was getting I hadn't been single since the 90s so I had no clue how much things had changed.

I was active in local Facebook groups and becoming know for my funny posts. I interacted with this gorgeous looking guy who was very smart and seemed sweet.

Well he was in his twenties, we had a HUGE age gap. He convinced me that this didn't matter because we were soul mates due to all the coincidences we shared in our lives 🤡

We met up and we were getting along fine. I did think he was awfully young but he seemed very mature. Then I brought up my son and he asked what his age was. I saw the wheels turning in his head, that they were only 6 or 7 years apart LOL 🤡

He quickly made his excuses and left.

I found out latter through a mutal friend that he had done time in prison and was in protective custody, which is usually for paedophiles here.

I looked up his court listing's and he had a whole string of appearances for domestic violence, assault, break and enter, fraud.

I dodged a HUGE bullet thanks to our Divine Mother.

Of course, I was still a stupid pickme and went on to "date" a guy in his twenties for years who still hits me up with dick pics and videos.

ccro7 · 2022-02-23T10:51:56+00:00

An actual bullet.

A guy I once dated told me he tried to shoot his cheating ex in the head and the only reason she survived is because his gun jammed.

Thanks for letting me know, bud.

MacrameGoose34 · 2022-02-23T02:07:39+00:00

My ex sought me out because of my mental health struggles. I was convinced that his love bombing was a healthy relationship. Even despite being a pickme and mentally struggling and numb from meds, I stood up to him quite a bit and grey rocked a ton, to the point where he "lost interest" thank God. I'm so thankful that I gained a bunch of weight and wasn't desirable to him anymore, bc then I was able to get to FDS, wake tf up, and throw away my people pleasing that I've always wanted to change, for good. I'm off the meds, thriving in my body based trauma therapy I've crafted for myself, and losing the weight super healthfully with lots of nutritious, nourishing foods. While I didn't want to marry or move in with him, the bonding hormones after sex would make me think otherwise (realizing now how deeply traumatic it is to have sex with someone who says they love you, but they dont).

Once everything fell apart I was soo grateful for the opportunity to break up with him and see the truth. A lot of women in my position eventually end up dead or mentally broken because predators seek out women with mental illness.

His apartment was moldy at times, the towels he used smelled moldy, and his mask towards keeping tidy slipped significantly before we broke up. I guess he just lived in squalor when he had his kids and then cleaned like crazy before I came over.

It wasn't a deliberate dodging of the bullet on my part, but by the end I made several excellent stinks about his behavior, that he could tell that I wasn't the perfect victim he was seeking. That and my family works for the federal government, so he knew that he would face consequences for his actions if he escalated.

We are incredibly lucky to even know about FDS, many women don't get the opportunity to survive their partners, let alone have the chance to level up. No matter where you are in your joyrney,, don't let the shame of being a pickme derail you because you deserve to thrive.

BBQCoolRanchQueen · 2022-02-23T10:47:43+00:00

I dodged a tactical nuke several years ago, even in my pickme phase. This guy was a Christian. Red flag for me there (a metric shit tonne of christian men are trash), but I thought, whatever, surely an ex Christian can get along. Then he started talking about the end times, and how my grey eyes were a sign that I was a witch, but a "good witch". Starting to ring alarm bells. The he told me the only hope was to get off grid. Yeah fuck no. Not with someone I barely know. So I talk to a few people, one of them his ex. He's one of those off grid forest Jeebus c----head (yes, literal junkie) "messiahs" claiming to be the second coming. I shit you not. This only lasted a couple weeks before I found that shit out. Hopped on the nearest nope train out of fuckthatistan.

No strategy needed. Those ones weed themselves out right away.

ferociouslycurious · 2022-02-23T16:15:58+00:00

I had maybe 2 or 3 dates with a guy who was already throwing out some kind of narc or just plain crazy crap. He was so toxic so fast that even most pickme’s would run. Like he was all rapid fire convo then went no contact for a couple days (no kids, divorce was done for a while) then came back with some insane accusations and accusing me of something so ridiculous I just ignored it. He wasn’t very good at faking normal for long.

AphoticEnigma_ · 2022-02-23T14:39:10+00:00

I dodged dating a really ugly guy when I was in my early 20s, because I was shallow af

In hindsight he was manipulative af

Title	What has been your biggest bullet dodged, and which vetting strategy do you attribute to it?
Author	t3ddi
Upvotes	277
Comments	47
Date	February 23, 2022 12:54 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sz3nsf/what_has_been_your_biggest_bullet_dodged_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/what-has-been-your-biggest-bullet-dodged-and-which.1210849 https://theredarchive.com/post/1210849

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