Do girlfriends ever increase your self-esteem?

wtknight · 2023-05-26T12:12:12+00:00

Only one woman I dated did this, but that’s because she was slowly losing attraction for me, not because she wanted to ruin my self-esteem so I didn’t pursue or seem attractive to other women. I think that if a woman is actually attracted to a guy then she is more likely to act jealous than insulting.

AnyIntroduction3288 · 2023-05-26T15:21:54+00:00

If your girlfriend d is negging you and putting you down, the appropriate response is to break up. That isn’t a “red pill” or “Andrew Tate” thing. It’s common sense. Don’t tolerate someone who treats you poorly.

heyshitwaddup · 2023-05-26T11:33:22+00:00

As a woman I don't see any point in being in a relationship with someone if I'm not increasing their self esteem tbh any good girlfriend should uplift you

AhsokaSolo · 2023-05-26T15:50:52+00:00

Everyone deserves a partner that doesn't do this to them. I wish everyone realized that being single is far superior to being with somebody that makes your life worse by making you feel like crap all the time.

There's nothing wrong with crying in front of your girlfriend and opening up. You dodged a bullet getting away from someone that would use that against you.

blueshinx · 2023-05-26T11:37:46+00:00

Wow, all of of your exes come off as manipulative. I don’t know what other women are like while dating men but that behavior is simply cruel

A relationship needs to be based on respect.

toasterchild · 2023-05-26T13:50:38+00:00

If it happens in some of your relationships I would say it's probably that those people you were dating are insecure (insecurity loves company). If it happens in ALL of your relationships something is probably off on your side. Either your picker is off and you are attracted to insecure people or you make your partners feel insecure an they are retaliating.

Swordfromthecement · 2023-05-26T12:21:54+00:00

Maybe I’m lucky but I’ve never had that before. My self-esteem increased whenever I was in a relationship or dating one person consistently.

literaryhogwartian · 2023-05-26T12:07:32+00:00

The right partner will increase your self-esteem. They will go out of their way to make you feel proud of being you.

But the 'treating like a king/queen' is rubbish. If my husband is being an arse I will tell him, I am a huge proponent of tough love and honesty. But to do so with kindness.

Away_Entrance1185 · 2023-05-26T23:48:38+00:00

No offense OP, but the women you're describing seem like they have a very specific personality type. Best you need to do is filter these types of women out, they are a bane for your mental health.

gymbronyc718 · 2023-05-26T15:20:28+00:00

I'm convinced that women test men in order to find out if he still has his balls, the same way a lioness will test the lion to see if he's grown old, weak or lazy. If she manages to snatch his balls, she will soon love on to another alpha male who can protect her and make her feel safe.

The same happens with the human animal. Men get lazy and complacent in relationships and let women snatch their balls. It will start with little innocuous things like "I don't like you dressing like this" or "I don't want you to go out with you guy friends, let's spend an evening together baby".

As the guy starts to give in to these "requests", the ball snatching will escalate. She will order you to take out the trash, do this or that, will start treating you like you are stupid and eventually it can escalate to full blown disrespect.

Once you let this happen, your relationship will inevitably end because the woman has snatched your balls and she will start searching for another alpha male who won't let her snatch his balls.

How to prevent this? Easy! Never bend for a woman unless she offers a contract of appreciation first. If she says "Don't go out with your friends tonight, let's just hang out you and I, cummon!!!" Say, "No, baby, I'm a man of my words, but I promise you when I'm back, my attention will be all yours".

If she says, "Baby, Im feeling particularly vulnerable and lonely tonight. I know you are hanging out with your boys and how important that is to you, but it would really so much to me if you stayed home with me and we snuggled on the couch." In this case you can say "Sure baby, I would do that for you because you appreciate my principles and are not trying to manipulate me".

If other stuff arises like:

"Can you just give me some space, be useful and go out and take the trash out". In this instance say "no, no, no! I don't allow anyone to talk to me like this." Without anger of course. If she does it again, be a man of your word and dump her ass.

That's it! I know, terrifying to say no to a woman.

Antisocialite99 · 2023-05-26T13:34:35+00:00

So I think aome women will neg a man to break him down and control him, and this is a symptom of mental problems, but I think many more seem to have an expectation that they want a man who is inhumanly strong and stoic and want to constantly test his ability to handle negging, they don't actually want to break him, but if they do they just think he's weak and should be stronger.

I think there are some women who don't do either. I haven't found one personally but I think I've seen relationships where they don't do either.

Separate-Ground3196 · 2023-05-26T14:06:48+00:00

This serves as a good example for the incels who think they’ll be happy and confident once they finally get a girlfriend. No, you’ll still have all the same problems and insecurities plus someone who follows you around and points them out to you.

plplokokplok · 2023-05-26T14:39:30+00:00

Get you a woman that builds you up not one that tears you down. You should be able to be fully vulnerable, cry when needed, and express all your feelings and she should be able to respond with kindness, empathy, and encouragement. If she's not, drop that bitch and don't waste 2 years of your life on her.

More importantly, you're picking the same type of woman over and over again. That means you've got some unresolved issues that are causing you to gravitate towards this type of woman. I'd strongly recommend a counselor to figure it out and then work through it.

VehementlyDrawn · 2023-05-26T15:09:24+00:00

Women don't want to build a man's confidence. They want a man who's already impenetrable from the start.

TheRedPillRipper · 2023-05-26T12:52:09+00:00

are my observations valid

They are, but not because of what others, or even you partner says. It’s beneficial to take on valid criticism. Even if it’s not given constructively. The reason being that it’s not the criticism, the delivery, or even your emotional response that matters. What matters; is what you do about it. This is because Self Esteem is internally driven. It’s rarely beneficial to allow anyone, power over your internal dialogue. Over your inner peace.

Instead it’s fundamental to consciously omit negativity, from your internal dialogue. Whilst focusing on the constructive. As it’s far more beneficial. It’s a lot easier to be lifted up, when you’re doing a ton of the lifting yourself.

Godspeed and good luck!

MarBitt · 2023-05-26T15:51:37+00:00

What some women do is look at a man, idealize him, and then expect him to live up to that ideal in her head. And they constantly test him and check his limits, and whenever he "fails" in their eyes and shows weakness or makes a mistake, he loses points compared to that ideal, they stop valuing him and they stop being attracted to him.

Dosed sensibly, this may forces some men to work on themselves, a motivation to be better. But it can often degenerate into the opposite cycle, when a man living with such a woman loses more and more self-confidence and she values him less and less. Until finally he feels like a doormat and she treats him like a doormat.

But not all women do it, I think it's a sign of immature women with a tendency to manipulate and make a man their personal project. Or insecure women with the mentality of teenagers who look for paternal authority in a man and constantly need to make sure that he is strong enough, stable, self-confident...

Mentathiel · 2023-05-26T16:07:32+00:00

Both genders do this. It's emotional abuse. It's not that much to make you less desirable, though that is a side-effect as well, it's more in order to make you think you don't deserve better so you wouldn't leave them when they do other cruel abusive entitled shit to you. I'm sorry you went through this, especially multiple times.

Yes, good partners boost each other's confidence. Yes, doing so can be scary when you're insecure, but you should strive to do it regardless.

begayallday · 2023-05-26T16:33:28+00:00

Sometimes we wind up attracting a certain type of partner for reasons that are largely outside of our control. It sucks, and we don’t deserve that. I can’t tell you why it happened to you, but for me I suspect that it’s due to my history of mental illness, and neurodivergence, as well as having survived physical and emotional abuse as a child. Those things often make people more likely to wind up in a relationship with an abusive partner.

I can tell you that what helped me break that cycle was a lot of therapy, as well as recognizing those patterns earlier in the dating process and ending things earlier if it starts happening. I also started to recognize ways in which I wasn’t being the best partner, and recognizing it allowed me to change. It took a long time, but I’m now in a relationship with someone who treats me very well and doesn’t ever make me feel like I’m smaller.

Choosing to be single is okay too, if that is what makes you feel happy and at peace. I’m sorry that you have gone through that, and I wish you health and happiness going forward.

eefr · 2023-05-26T18:30:01+00:00

A partner who regularly insults you is emotionally abusive. That's not how you treat someone in a loving and respectful relationship. It's not something specific to girlfriends; people of any gender can abuse their partners. It's about control: they want to put you down so that you'll doubt your own judgment and do whatever they say.

I'm sorry you've been in so many relationships like that. I was in one once and it was emotionally devastating for me. It took me a long time before I was able to date again.

Here is some info on emotional abuse:

https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

The internet is full of articles on this topic, and I'd encourage you to read some of them, because then you can learn about red flags and that will help you avoid partners like this in the future.

I'd also encourage you to reach out to a therapist if you have the means. It can be really helpful to get professional guidance on how to process what happened and recognize abusive behaviours in the future.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with these really shitty people, and I hope that when you're ready to date again, you'll be able to find a loving and supportive partner instead. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness by whoever you are dating.

ETA: And please note, emotional abuse is not your fault. This isn't something you did wrong or failed to do in your relationship. Abusive and manipulative people will find a way to shame and blame you no matter what you do, because they're not trying to change a specific behaviour; they're just trying to control you.

CelebrationSalt2376 · 2023-05-26T23:48:27+00:00

Should be allowed to cry and express your emotions with ur gf and and at the very least she should respond with sympathy for her person. Dating the wrong girls. It might stem from her own self-esteem issues, but as a woman I say this is not a trend for all of us.

ComfortableOk5003 · 2023-05-27T00:34:13+00:00

I’d say my relationships have been half and half.

Half the women tanked my self esteem Half the women had a positive effect

Scarce12 · 2023-05-27T05:10:50+00:00

The "idolize, devalue, discard" thing is so common it seems to be the darker part of female sexuality, 30% of women lose interest in sex because of it.

What you should read up upon is David Schnarch's approach to differentiation in relationships, and John Gottman too.

John Gottman says the biggest mistake you can make with a bad relationship is stay in it too long.

Substantial_Video560 · 2023-05-27T09:26:35+00:00

I've become more confident and developed self-esteem with age. Women have had very little to do with it tbh.

Spyro7x3 · 2023-05-28T01:36:29+00:00

One of my exes is so godlike beautiful that being with her at one time has basically made me immune to having low confidence. On a couple of occasions I've been asked to be a partner for pornography and although I declined both times the confidence boost it gave me should be illegal. I'm basically the most confident dude on earth and if you saw me you'd be thinking what the hell is he so self assured for? He's a broke bum it makes no sense

On the otherhand I did experience getting my self confidence beaten down by past partners and yes it is something that we do to each other I did it to her too.

Updawg145 · 2023-05-28T04:56:38+00:00

Absolutely. The only pitfall is trying to get a girlfriend for the sole purpose of increasing your self esteem. That's a good path to neediness and codependency.

But in any healthy relationship your gf/bf should make you feel better about yourself. They're the ones you should be able to go to when you need a confidence boost or are struggling with something. Probably the best visual example I can think of, is the pro arm wrestler named Devon Larrat. His wife is always at his matches going absolutely sicko mode cheering for him. Not every relationship will be that dramatic but, that's the same basic thing you should be getting (and giving).

Your_client_sucks_95 · 2023-05-28T07:26:00+00:00

Controversial take for a controversial thread. Usually Women are used to their friends and other women being full of petty drama. Most simple Men however prefer to be without drama. So when a woman gets into a relationship with a simple man, she feels the need for drama since that's all she's known and so will end up creating it out of thin air to fill the void. If the man is on board with the drama, he's a winner, if not then they'll part ways eventually.

Women also date thinking they'll change the man but discover they get changed instead, for the better.

That said OP, some women will absolutely discourage you from going to the gym if they are the jealous type.

Commercial-Engineer3 · 2023-05-26T16:09:54+00:00

Your experience pretty much matches what science says.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2111203/Seeing-man-upset-makes-women-happy--shows-relationship-strong.html

raldabos · 2023-05-26T19:41:46+00:00

I noticed that all three of them would constantly subtly neck and insult me as soon as the honeymoon-phase was ove

IIRC women-to-male abuse in relationship have been going up in the last decade, the difference with male-to-female abuse is that this one is more psychological than physicial.

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2023-05-26T11:43:51+00:00

Sounds like you date shitty women. Pick better 🤷🏻‍♀️

mikehawk1988 · 2023-05-26T11:55:22+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Safinated · 2023-05-26T17:11:04+00:00

Is everyone exactly like you?

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AlmostKindaGreat · 2023-05-26T18:31:40+00:00

There are hard lessons to learn here.

Even when you're in a relationship and you've supposedly accepted each other completely, you still need to bring your own self-respect and defend your boundaries.

I had weak self-esteem and self-respect. When I was in a relationship she would sense this and eventually become prickly, disrespectful, and dismissive of me. This was because she could sense that I was not being authentic. I was trying to be accommodating to the point of letting her cross my boundaries and take advantage of me. She lost respect for me and her behavior made it evident.

A woman wants a man who knows who he is and is himself with confidence, not a man who will compromise who he is to please her.

I feel like you went through this because you mentioned how you got a confidence boost from your friends. You're probably comfortable being yourself about them but you then you compromise to try to please your girlfriend and it backfires on you.

It can feel like women are really harsh on men in relationships. I have no idea what it's like from the other side but yeah, as a man you have to bring a really strong sense of self into a relationship. Otherwise you're going to be at risk of being unhappy and eventually alone.

Luckily this is something that you can work on and improve to set yourself up for success the next time. Take the Ls, figure out who you are and stick to it, and thrive.

Maffioze · 2023-05-26T20:14:08+00:00

People who are insecure sometimes will drag other people down so they won't leave. It happened with my ex as well but my current gf isn't like that.

FutureBannedAccount2 · 2023-05-28T02:15:40+00:00

The right one will.

MistyMaisel · 2023-05-26T18:43:22+00:00

I mean, I hope I increase my boyfriend's self-esteem, but I think it was pretty solid before we got together. I certainly don't want to be like the lynch-pin for it and the reason it exists at all. At least early on, I can understand my opinion mattering more so down the road and how I treat him mattering a lot of course.

I do think it can be really difficult to express criticism to everyone, but men seem to especially just like, totally refuse to accept it and see it as an assault on their ego if it comes from you. I've never dragged down a man to keep a relationship. If I was criticizing him or being negative, we had a genuine problem in my world and he needed to change.

I think men also often seem to expect respect while they're behaving in a manner which does not merit respect. And if you make this obvious, they tend to act very poorly as if to double down on that. I think in their minds, it seems like they think love and respect are the same thing, but they really aren't.

I think your partner should make you feel valued, I dunno about this king queen stuff. If anything that strikes me as too small and too much about like a supplicant relationship. It's a sweet thing to say from time to time for sure, but if you need to be treated like a king or queen to feel valued, it's because you've got issues.

For me, I'm my boyfriend's biggest fan, place of peace and joy, and general warmth like a fireplace. But, I'm also like the mafia consiglieri and best friend. It's my job to make sure his own stupidity doesn't take him bad places. It's my job to know his vices, his flaws, and his blind-spots and to highlight them in as loving a manner as possible. I'm also his partner, so I have to let him know when he's threatening the foundation of our relationship and its future with his behavior. And I'm not perfect, so sometimes I probably do this in a pretty harsh and self-esteem harming manner.

***

With that said, I can imagine if the relationship has soured, it's pretty easy to attack someone when you're mad at them, which is what it sounds like your ex was doing. The way I'd explain it is like if you were close to quitting a job, your work probably wouldn't be great unless you've got a lot of integrity.

She no longer felt responsible at all for your inner landscape because she was close to done with you. And her attacks were either parting shots, or warning shots that things need to change fast or it's over.

In turn, it's no longer reasonable for you to expect her to be upholding your self-esteem if she's not happy with you or the relationship is near dead. I think a lot of dudes think relationships are fine when they're in their death throws and fail to look back and see that some of those fights or mean comments weren't coming from "a loving partner", but from an angry and close to ending it partner.

RomanDelvius · 2023-05-26T19:11:22+00:00

Title	Do girlfriends ever increase your self-esteem?
Author	mikehawk1988
Upvotes	26
Comments	59
Date	May 26, 2023 11:25 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/13sai2z/do_girlfriends_ever_increase_your_selfesteem/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-girlfriends-ever-increase-your-self-esteem.1220462 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220462

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