Why am I numb and paralyzed with inaction? How do I gain momentum to make a change?

ExcellentXX · 2024-02-08T09:45:33+00:00

Hey I think you probably could save your marriage but you actually need to go to therapy together and explore if it’s possible? Explore what you both want out of the situation. I know people on the group won’t like this suggestion but i really think forgiveness and working on oneself and taking accountability are possible .. I think commenting on a divorced mens group you are looking for a push forward .. but actually what you really need is someone to sound out or to hear you and to understand your pain and fear .. I think it’s amazing that you are taking your first steps towards healing whichever they may be.. I wish you well and I really want to say that it’s not too late to search for therapists and invite your partner to join you or just see one privately so you can start planning and making your way forward .. I think it’s hard feeling stuck or unsure of the right course of action especially when one has children and responsibilities and I really think that it is wonderful that you think this way! Some people are not as responsible and think of their own needs first

Visual_Cycle_1066 · 2024-02-08T06:44:42+00:00

First off let me be very clear that I am on your side my dude and I want to see you move along and build a life worthy of a king or at least a member of the king's court.

You must change your mindset. You describe yourself as "numb, paralyzed, scared" Your wife can smell that on you. All women can smell that stuff. Knock it off you're better than that. Men aren't numb, they're engaged and invigorated. Men are never paralyzed, they take decisive action. And of course men aren't scared. C'mon man LFG!

A man should love, protect, provide for, and teach and lead his children. That said, his "entire world" as you say should not revolve around his children. Your world should be much much bigger than that. It is actually great for kids to observe a father who has serious purpose outside of the home, who leads by example of how to build a career, build a body, excel at hobbies, give back to his community and be a respected an admired man by many. Broaden your view and world my friend.

File for divorce and bid your disrespectful, philandering wife adieu. Good riddance. At 42, divorced with 2 kids, she is well past her prime and her market value has declined immensely. Yes there are plenty of guys who will have sex with her because guys will be guys, but her ability to actually secure a high quality guy is almost non-existent. You on the other hand have the benefit of being a man, and with success in a career, some money, hobbies and fun lifestyle, will have many options with much younger women. Trust me on this I know it to be true, I lived it.

Move on brother, be decisive, once you start taking action you will start to respect yourself again. Self-respect will right your ship and you will sail to the horizon of a new and better life.

dnbndnb · 2024-02-08T05:12:32+00:00

PLAN your exit. Start to envision your future life. Get yourself in better shape if needed. Do NOT call it quits until she graduates and has a job unless you absolutely have no choice. Document everything you do with the kids on your phone. Dates in a calendar, pictures of you at sport practices with them (every one of them), parent teacher conferences, doctors appointments—you name it. Everything.

You don’t say when she’ll graduate but likely she thinks she’s using you to get her degree and move on. Meanwhile you use her to build a case for custodial parent of the year so you don’t get bled dry.

Once she has the job, file.

fireight · 2024-02-07T21:59:05+00:00

>>she has been unsatisfied in our marriage for basically the entire time

This is obvious. Any wrongdoer will justify him or herself. Do not listen to that. Not now, for sure. Take it as a proof of her being broken. She is, because she does not want to repair, stay together. Without this, you by yourself, you will never create a relationship.

>>I'm scared of what the next step means for me

Don't be. You will be better any way, there will be a period of sadness until you realise you were not a bad husband, until you realise there is a ton of guys ready for sex and few wanting a relationship - this is your value that stands out.

CaliDude75 · 2024-02-07T21:36:53+00:00

48M. No kids in my case, but the defining moment for me was when I came to the realization nothing was going to change. My ex had it easy with me doing about 80 percent of everything. Granted, the intimacy and spark wasn’t there, and hadn’t been for years, but she was getting enough benefit on balance for her to tolerate the situation. I wasn’t. I was just absolutely depleted, emotionally and physically. We went through the motions of couples counseling, seeing specialists for ED, etc.

Not gonna lie, dating in your 40s sucks, especially when you still kind of want kids. I know…Different problem.

I’d say bottom line is this: If it’s impossible to have a civil, reasonable conversation without it devolving into a blame game, one party shows no contrition or desire to make an effort to improve things, it’s basically over.

It’s up to you if you want to tell her you’re filing, or if you do it when you serve her papers.

mubelsjedenn · 2024-02-07T20:21:26+00:00

Get her out of sight ASAP. You shouldn't be living together, that's the kick that will put you in gear and whatever you do. Don't let go of that accelerator.

occoptionplaya · 2024-02-07T20:17:23+00:00

Shit man, why are you delaying. Nothing is going to change, get it over with and move out or make her move out. Time to start your new life. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Add insult to injury, she didn't apologize for her reckless actions. Fuck this bitch, you'll do way better.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-02-07T18:32:55+00:00

Step 1. Google lawyers Step 2. Call and schedule consultation Step 3. Pay retainer with cash or credit if needed

Puff your chest out, be a man and get it done

dadmacintosh · 2024-02-07T18:29:46+00:00

Same situation. I know of her desire to go do things with her friend who I know is cheating on her long time husband. I am paralyzed overthinking things - mainly how a divorce will affect the kids. It has been tedious but I am compiling information that will be needed once I start the process. What I know for sure is... whoever cares more loses. This has been me for 8 years now...

yes2matt · 2024-02-07T18:27:14+00:00

I took a trip home two summers ago. Neighbors across the street really helped raise me, I owe them and love them a lot. They are on their eighties. He is verbally, perhaps physically, abusive. She is pretty much stuck with it, miserable, and both living their last days colored with each others ugliest crayons. I thought, this might be my future.

I wondered, what would either of them advise my situation? And the answer was a quick clean severance of relationship. Emphasis on quick and clean. We don't slaughter with dull knives, we don't hunt with underpowered weapons. So I sharpened up, charged up, got my shit together w legal advise, and executed.

So to answer your question. Think about the people who have loved you. Some of them maybe have passed, and (according to my spiritual understanding) can see your situation clearly. What would the people who have loved you most/longest tell you to do? Then get the fuck on it. It might be counseling/healing, do what it takes. It might be reorganization of your finances and internal structure to give you back your power. It might be divorce.

If the latter, get good legal advise on a chas basis, undisclosed to the Mrs. You are running the show now, you need to be two steps ahead. *cash

Song-113-No-More · 2024-02-07T17:49:08+00:00

Same situation man. Kids are my everything and don’t want the process to get me stuck in a financial death struggle where it robs all my time with my kids and she lives comfortably and manipulates them.

Only difference is I have a 24/7 special needs child who I also love and is the world to me. That makes it a lot harder as we are the only ones that can take care of him and I have no idea how to even work like before. It’s a sucky situation.

GalamineGary · 2024-02-07T17:26:20+00:00

I really hope younger guys read these posts. It’s the same story with different characters-me included. Wife gets(insert emotional fantasy reasons) or (insert in better shape or promotion). She starts checking out of the marriage. Now, husband finds out that she is (sexting, staying late at work). She denies until husband gets served papers. She says some meaningless buzzwords. Finally, she takes half your stuff because she can and the courts hate you.

Eheroduelist · 2024-02-07T17:19:44+00:00

All I can say is that if she’s entertaining the thought of an affair (texts), then she’s more than happy to commit to the bit.

Get out.

Sea-Satisfaction4656 · 2024-02-07T17:15:48+00:00

You’re numb and paralyzed because you are traumatized and overwhelmed. This is the “freeze” in the “fight, flight, or freeze” response. How do you get out of that place? You have to make your own opening and step through it.

Fight - not physically, but fight for what you want and what is best for you and your kids. What’s best for you IS what’s best for your kids.

Flight - remove yourself from the situation. Because you have kids involved this is not the response you need. This leaves Fight as your only rational option.

Your marriage hasn’t been spiraling for 18 months, you have been spiraling while she has been executing her plan. She has you feeling like everything is your fault, like you need to “fix” everything, like everything is on you. That’s not the truth. It’s the reality she is creating to get what she wants. Fuck that, fight it and take control of your life. She is preparing, you need to do the same. No rational, loving partner would say the cruel things she has said with no remorse. It’s all part of her controlling the situation and keeping you in a reactive “fix it” position. You have to be proactive to get out of that position.

Creative_Property542 · 2024-02-07T17:10:43+00:00

Not to be condescending... But welcome to the RedPill. The RedPill is never taken voluntary oraly. RedPill is administered by force right up your Aass by disrespectful women. I wish you well bloke.

pandatitanium · 2024-02-07T16:18:15+00:00

This could have been written by me. 18 months in the same situation (worse behavior from my wife).

I am paralyzed because of my kids. If there were no kids we’d both be gone.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2024-02-07T16:17:44+00:00

Her plan is probably to wait to get her Masters, lock down the new D and then take you for everything she can get.

Classic_Dill · 2024-02-07T16:12:35+00:00

So...by her math, she had 95% at home, but went out to find 5%..she sounds super smart, LOL

Your to do list:

No more sex with her.
No affection of any kind.
Make a list of 50% of the house stuff you want.
Get a lawyer today!
Accept this is happening.
Get angry!!!! wheres your anger?
Don't fight or yell.
Shut down all communication with her.
Tell her she can no longer sleep in your bed (couch/another room).
Stay calm and composed.
Cut all feelings for her.
This is a business takeover, prepare for battle.
You have ZERO boundaries, slam some down today.
Tell you family and friends, what shes done.
Control the narrative.
Say nothing and hand deliver her the divorce papers.

domo_roboto · 2024-02-07T15:48:25+00:00

Hate to say it but your story is not unique. Your inaction is not really about her because she's already shown who she really is, it's about you and how you don't respect yourself enough to take action. I was the same way until I embraced the fear, uncertainty, and doubt. Part of all this is the journey to rebuild self-respect and learning that the kids will be fine, and that YOU will be fine on the other side.

TerribleAmbassador69 · 2024-02-07T15:47:33+00:00

Prove she’s had an affair and file based on that. Done sleep with her bc that will nullify that the affair is the cause. I’m not a lawyer. If adultery is the cause, usually alimony goes out the window. And possibly some other equal division of assets.

But def talk to a lawyer.

Is0prene · 2024-02-07T15:28:08+00:00

No doubt she is taking advantage of you getting her masters degree while you assume half of her college debt. It is all her exit strategy. This was exactly what happened to me. I was so happy to have her to go back to the workforce after all our kids were finally school age and we could finally have 2 incomes. NOPE, she had other plans all along. Later she bragged about it to her friends how much of an idiot I was paying for her school, weight loss surgery, teeth, and lasik all on my dime.

whoisgodiam · 2024-02-07T15:14:05+00:00

Divorce and get yourself a rotation of 20 year olds. I hope you have a prenup.

Title	Why am I numb and paralyzed with inaction? How do I gain momentum to make a change?
Author	LostforLogic1
Upvotes	20
Comments	48
Date	February 7, 2024 3:06 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1al50rg/why_am_i_numb_and_paralyzed_with_inaction_how_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-am-i-numb-and-paralyzed-with-inaction-how-do-i.1244816 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244816

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