2yo causing a rift in the marriage, wife hit me in reaction

UEMcGill · 2016-11-01T13:25:02+00:00

There's only one asshole in this story and it's not the baby. Your wife hitting you was inexcusable, I'm not going to touch that. But fuck if you didn't make this whole situation from bad to worse.

Your kid is an asshole because you let him. He screams and kicks because he knows it gets him attention, any attention. Your wife was onto the right decision and you tell her she was wrong. She keeps trying to "help" and finally explodes. No one ever wonders why the dog that is beaten and unsure of it's place in the world snaps and bites someone.

I have three kids. In my house, good behavior gets attention. Bad behavior gets isolation. Even at 2, if my kids wanted to kick and scream they were welcome to it, alone in their room. "Honey if you want to scream, that's cool, but here go to your room." I would pick them up, move them (cause I lift and its no problem). They come out crying back into the room. Now, at 5 and 9, I usually have to only mention it, and they deal with their feelings right away. Sometimes, they will get up on their own and go.

You're a controlling fuck and wanted your wife to go in an appease him instead of fixing it. So you get what you have. Work may suck, but fixing a behavioral problem you created aint gonna get fixed in one night because you commanded your wife to.

[deleted] · 2016-11-01T10:39:31+00:00

There's really no good solution to domestic violence because you will automatically be seen as the aggressor unless you document the crap out of her abuse.

Your best solution is to give her the cold shoulder. She's going to be very apologetic for her actions, but this is mostly for her own benefit. She is expecting you to comfort her when she apologizes. You shouldn't, and your best solution is to pull away after expressing that her actions will not be tolerated.

My wife once slapped me when we were engaged. After it happened, I calmly told her that her behavior was unacceptable and that I wouldn't get married to an abuser. I spent the next week in low communication mode focused on work and my hobbies. I haven't had any incidents since. It's like my dog. I ignore my puppy when she's misbehaving. You shouldn't comfort her when she apologizes for hitting you. You're the one who got hit in the face.

McCoop_ · 2016-11-01T14:54:04+00:00

Holding frame with your children is just as important as with your wife. If the kid refuses to communicate reasonably and has shown you this behaviour before then you need to not tolerate it. Your wife made the right call to ignore the child. You read it as not putting in any effort. It's clear you resent your wife for not sympathizing with you about your problems but you used that to ignore her advice about letting the kid cry it out.

She should not have hit you, especially in front of your child. The spanking combined with your tone could have given her reason to fear her safety. I think you need to think hard about the situation before you ask us for any advice. You have made a clear effort to justify your behaviour while portraying your wife as completely unreasonable. You have also made an effort to completely shift responsibility from yourself. Take some time to reflect on the events and really think about what changes you could have made.

Griever114 · 2016-11-01T12:17:39+00:00

First off, that's a fucking brutal night. You're smart to be looking for answers. You appear to have none. Let's see if there's anything that might help.

a combination of things going on here - I'm really stressed at work right now and I'm trying to get on top of it, I don't EVER complain about work to wife, but tonight before bed I let her know I was very stressed about work and I was going downstairs to watch a movie and take my mind off it before going to sleep

Your wife is probably also stressed about her work as it lives in her house. It wakes up whenever it wants and demands unspecified things. Never tell the mother of a 2 year old about your work stresses, she doesn't care and won't sympathize. Especially when you're telling her under the guise of wanting to go watch a movie and not be a parent for a while. Tighten that shit up.

so I leave it with him and come to bed as well. After about 30 minutes of this, I tell her the baby is still up and I would like her to sort him out

You're 'hoping' she can magically fix him so you can get back to whatever you're doing. Change that mindset. The world doesn't work like that. A healthy marriage certainly doesn't. Your son is having issues sleeping. Press pause on whatever pursuit you're on and deal with it. It's how you and your son form a bond, how he learns that a good man will take care of problems, not download them to his wife.

Now, your vocabulary is horrible. Your son isn't an asshole nor a terrorist. Right now he's the passenger on a ship drifting around the ocean aimlessly. I'd be screaming if I were him and if I were your wife, I'd probably also punch you in your fat head. I don't even know you and I'd like to take a swing.

Pull your head out of that fat ass of yours and start acting like a man. Take care of your son because it's the right thing to do, not because your wife won't. Stressed at work? Go downstairs and do some pushups, read something interesting or meditate.

Now, most guys are waiting for you to delete this account. I fucking dare you to do it.

chaosmech · 2016-11-01T13:11:33+00:00

Seems to me that your child and your woman could both use a reminder of boundaries. Your 2-year-old has been running roughshod over you. He screams when he wants, he gets what he wants. You fall over yourself trying to get him to stop. He's two for crying out loud. At some point, you need to stop enforcing this shit behavior. He's not a helpless infant anymore, and all you're doing by jumping up in the middle of the night to cater to his every whim is telling him he can scream to get what he wants. Your wife was right to let him scream it out after you figured out he didn't want to communicate.

As for your wife punching you in the head, seems that she could use a reinforcement of boundaries as well. But first, you need to be the kind of man who can be respected when he sets boundaries. Seems like right now you've offloaded your fatherly responsibilities to your wife. Nobody respects a captain/boss/husband who expects them to do all the work.

Is it fair that you have to come home from work and take charge of the house after a long day at work? No. Doesn't matter, suck it up. If you're going to be the captain, that means increased responsibility as well as increased authority.

alpha_n3rd · 2016-11-01T13:16:44+00:00

I had to stop reading after calling the baby an asshole. Babies cry it's what they do that's how they communicate. For a grown-up to cry about that is just ridiculous.

Make yourself a checklist of reasons a baby will cry and resolve the issue:

1) hungry 2) wet (diaper) 3) cold/hot 4) Scared 5) Proximity- babies know somehow when you are not in-range to protect them. Move the high-seat/playpen closer to you to provide masculine security. 6) teething (not much to do here) teething toy

There are probably more. It's been awhile for me!

jarjarbrooks · 2016-11-01T13:46:40+00:00

The captain of the ship in your house is clearly your son. Maybe ask him nicely to speak to your wife on your behalf. /s

You should remedy that, by refusing to allow him to dictate your behavior. A little crying never hurt any toddler. Your wife was right, let him cry it out.

She was wrong to hit you, but you were at the tail end of a night of terrible decisions.

Regarding her: I suggest you give her a quick talk, note that such behavior in unacceptable and this is her only chance. Next time call the police.

Regarding your child: If you continue to allow him to control your life the next 16 years will be brutal for you, and he'll just wind up in juvie anyhow. Set some boundaries and rules. 2 years old is not too young to learn that "Screaming at night will never produce a positive outcome for him." You can enforce this boundary by simply not responding to his petulant demands.

alphabeta49 · 2016-11-01T15:48:05+00:00

Gonna jump on board with everyone telling you that your baby isn't an asshole. I have two kids, a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. The girl is BY FAR more difficult than my son. Battle of the wills, crying and screaming until she pukes, absolutely defiant. But she's not an asshole. She's strong willed and very good at testing. Like any woman.

Your subconscious mindset is telling you that your kid, and then your wife, are against you. That's where you're fucking up, before you even get out of the sheets to go deal with the "asshole".

So first, the kid:

You're the rock. You have nerves of steel. You are unphased by your boy's screaming. He will learn to trust you. You need to keep your cool. Sometimes nothing works until something works. Simple as that.

Now, the wife:

Women hold the sex card to control men. Men hold the commitment card. Or more specifically, the attention card. No need to punish her directly. Just withdraw.

BUT...

The key is to withdraw because your time is too valuable and you are too awesome to hang around abusers. You should not withdraw to show her or teach her anything.

Why did she hit you? Because you were weak. Women hate weak men. You're essentially another kid she has to take care of.

And keep your work stuff to yourself. I'm telling myself that as much as I'm telling you.

Persaeus · 2016-11-01T14:01:35+00:00

It is unacceptable that your wife struck you, and you need to overtly set this boundary; but IMO she snapped because:

she could see your obvious butthurt/rage at your "asshole" baby and went into mama grizzly mode, or more likely
she is so tired of having a man-child for a husband that she challenged you to "man up" in ways that men often do to each other; physically

OP, after checklisting through Pinelero excellent list; understand that a lot of 2 year olds just need to learn to self-validate and go back to sleep. We had this problem with our oldest; and ultimately it was up to dad to manage "just cry it out".

RPAlternate42 · 2016-11-01T16:23:06+00:00

First of all: 2 year old bottle baby. Dude... wean that kid yesterday.

You can't claim you are stressed at work and then tell us you don't tell her because alpha and then stay in bed and act like the oldest teenager in the house when the 2 year-old starts having a bad night.

If you are stressed at work and don't want her involved int hat issue, then you need to perform, on those stressful nights, as you would on the unstressful nights. That is, fuck your stress, take care of the kid too.

My guess is that OP isn't getting sex the way he wants and he is blaming the kid for that. Tonight wasn't a sex-based issue, but his screaming put him over the top. How do I know? Because I was only calling my kids "assholes" when they were that young when I wasn't getting nook on my terms. I was angry at them all the time and I kept it bottled up, which made it worse.

Do you have any idea how a 2 year old sees dad when he lashes out at him? I don't, but I can imagine it's along the lines of having a monster in the house. Children tend to have nightmares and bad dreams when shit is bad in the house; they absorb more than you think and on levels you can't comprehend because you are hard-wired and they aren't.

I don't believe the kid is your issue, here, I think the issue is with you and your wife, specifically sex.

But I have some confirmation bias here.

BobbyPeru · 2016-11-01T17:43:12+00:00

When my son was that age I had similar issues. So, I put a gate up by his room door and let him bawl it out for a few nights. After a few night, he never did it again - just went right to bed and right to sleep. At 2 yrs old you're giving him way to much attention at bedtime. A 2 yr old shouldn't need a bottle. Your wife was initially right when she said to let him cry it out. It may be rough at first, but in the long run it is by far the best way to go.

Now the part about where she hit you. Totally unacceptable. I would just say to her in a calm voice "don't ever physically abuse me again. "If she replies with anything just repeat it (broken record)

Edit afterthought. Just the fact that she said she was scared of you, and then she hits you would be concerning to me. It's almost like she was planning on hitting you so that if you called the cops, she could just say she was scared so she hit you in self-defense. I could be just assuming all of this, but it is alarming when you combine the two factors – first saying she scared, then hitting you. Something is not right there.

iloveairplane · 2016-11-01T14:42:03+00:00

You're being run by a two year old. A two year old that's still on the bottle. I'm really not surprised your wife is punching you.

fuckingfocusgodamnit · 2016-11-01T14:54:08+00:00

Unrelated to the boundary with your wife, but have you had your child evaluated to see if he's on the Autistic Spectrum or suffering from some other mental or developmental disorder? At his age months can make an enormous difference in his development. A lot of time your state or local services may offer free evaluation & therapy.

Whatever is going on it sounds like his needs are pretty different from your other kids in some way. At the risk of the obnoxiousness of sticking my nose into your parenting, I'd give it some more time & thought.

spexer · 2016-11-01T18:16:19+00:00

Go cold shoulder and distant from her.

When she attempts to apologize, I would cut her off and tell her that you are not ready to listen to her, and that you are still determining if this damages the marriage beyond repair.

When she jumps on this, and she will, say "I told you I will not discuss this right now. Write down your apology, what you feel you did wrong, and how you are going to fix it. I will consider that. But I we are not moving forward without at least that much effort from you."

This will do 2 things:

Makes her aware how big of a deal this is, with a bit of dread that the marriage is in trouble
You will have a written admittance of her physical abuse, which you can save for later time, in case it is ever needed.

As far as what got you here - there are other posts that address how you were not a good leader - and you should face up to that and take responsibility.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2016-11-01T20:19:18+00:00

In my experience coaching children's sports and interacting with kids and parents from school, my observation is the kids are mostly products of their environment. In this case, it's more accurate that your 2yr old son isn't the asshole, but his Dad is the asshole.
You also don't talk about your wife or her abilities as a SAHM in a positive light. She picks up on that as well. At the point that she said "you're scaring me", you should have heard that as some type of feedback for you to check your actions. That you still act like you were "handling your shit the right way" only means that you aren't listening to your FO.

When a team loses a game, the coach doesn't blame the players; he blames himself. Your team is losing brother. It's time to re-evaluate what you're doing. You cannot outsource all of the parenting to a stressed out SAHM that's dealing w/ a toddler. At some point you need to engage and do some heavy lifting WITH her so that you know where to make changes so you can right this ship. If you haven't made adjustments or provisions that will slow her or empower her to be great at her job, you aren't doing your job.
Work is stressful; so what. Don't use that excuse for your poor leadership. I'd be looking into a 3-day vacation trip with the wife if you're thinking of keeping her around. Start showing appreciation and your team will bother communicate better and perform higher.

wolfhawk706 · 2016-11-01T10:34:53+00:00

How soon til [deleted]?

FlapjackUniverse · 2016-11-01T15:12:27+00:00

With screaming (or shouting or whining), it best to remain unfazed, but stay present and just wait. Instead of asking “What’s wrong?”, I would just say as calmly as possible, “When you’re done, I can try to help you”. Have that be your attitude: I’m here for you. I’m waiting. I’m not going to get wound up. Sometimes you won’t say anything, you’ll just wait.

Since the screaming is becoming habitual, I wouldn’t even get into acknowledging what the scream is about unless you’re sure. Then, when he’s done you might say, “You didn’t want me to buckle your car seat. You wanted to do it yourself.” “It’s hard to wait when you’re so hungry.” Or, “You had some strong feelings about that.”

I know, I know, I know it’s hard not to react when it’s so loud and catches you by surprise. Go ahead and hold your ears, but do it calmly. It’s okay if you have a little reaction, but then try to compose yourself so he doesn’t feel too uncomfortably powerful. The sooner it becomes an uninteresting, ineffective, unthreatening (to your sanity) thing to do, the sooner he’ll be able to stop doing it, or at least do it less often.

Toddlers aren't "assholes". Just like women, they test the boundaries to see if their leader can handle it and remain the stoic, solid rock a leader should be.

It is very annoying behavior but a child will get "fixed" on certain behaviors if their leader shows even the slightest sign that they can't handle it, that the toddler is too powerful for them, then the toddler (or wife) will feel unsafe and will continue to test the boundary until the leader calmly shows them that their behavior doesn't affect him and he is still the stoic, solid rock of the family.

It might take a few nights of this before it gets better because it takes a while for faith to be restored in leadership, for them to 'let go' of the power because they feel comfortable that you have it.

When it feels like you're at your last straw, remember to stay fixed on the goal: to show your followers that you aren't giving up because the situation is stronger than you. You can handle this.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-11-01T15:55:18+00:00

Well you are in good company at least.

The King of all Greece was holding court and he pointed to a little baby, commenting "that child is the ruler of all of Greece."

How can this be, his elders cried!

The king replied: "I rule over Greece, but that child rules over his mother, and she rules over me."

[deleted] · 2016-11-01T18:39:50+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Hamilton950B · 2016-11-01T12:56:14+00:00

There have been at least a couple of stories on MRP about women who provoke their men to violence. The goal is for the woman to acquire injuries that they can use later in court to prove the man is at fault, so they can get a better deal in the divorce. Not saying that is necessarily happening here, but it's something to think about.

[deleted] · 2016-11-01T10:57:19+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Grimsterr · 2016-11-01T14:38:25+00:00

I smell a troll, a 2 year old being bottle fed and playing stupid games about sleeping? As long as he's clean, comfortable, and well fed/not hungry then he can lay there and cry himself back to sleep.

I get the distinct impression OP has never had kids. A 2 year old acting like a newborn, being bottle fed, and having to be cajoled to sleep in the middle of the night? Calling bullshit.

InwardLooking · 2016-11-01T15:18:41+00:00

You're using the terms 2-year old and baby interchangeably. Somethings wrong, because they are no where near the same thing. 2 year olds also eat regular food on a regular schedule like adults. Why would someone even think of giving a 2 year old a bottle? ...and in the middle of the night? You're a dad, and that's your son. Tell your wife you got this, and then get that little boy straight, put him in the bed, tell him go to sleep, and then leave. If he's not sick or injured, he can cry it out/deal with his feelings and be ok.

Livnontheedge · 2016-11-01T15:31:42+00:00

A couple points for the OP:

You moped about your work issues, even if a little. Anything can and will be held against you when the shit hits the fan, or you two disagree.
Your attitude towards your child isn't a healthy one for a leader to take... He's not being an asshole, he's being two. As others have suggested, he could be dealing with spectrum issues, as your others didn't act like this. A good leader uses discretion to find solutions, screwdrivers are best for driving screws, and hammers best for driving nails, and the opposite is an exercise in futility. Which leads me to my next point.
You gave your wife an assignment and then denigrated her for executing it to the best of her judgment. A good captain doesn't do this to his first mate. You've gotta trust her judgment. (I'd give my nuts for my wife to let the kids cry it out, btw... We have the exact opposite situation in my home.)
Back to my first point, you let the situation escalate. You were both tired. The baby had both of you on edge. You'd already admitted your work had you off balanced... Throw this all on the hamster wheel and now you're a pretty horrible person. Did she over react? probably. Should she have hit you? No. Did she honestly fear for her/the baby's life? No, she'd have called the cops. However, you gave her GREAT ammunition for some potent rhetoric.

You didn't mention how you immediately responded. Is it safe to infer that you're not proud of your reaction?

redearththeory · 2016-11-01T16:39:51+00:00

as I am getting out of the rocker to head out she punches me in the head...hard.

Tell her that was unacceptable and you have a lot on your mind so you'll be going for a bit to think about things. Then leave and go to a hotel for 2 days. Let her think about whether she values you.

Mr_Grateful · 2016-11-01T19:47:55+00:00

This reminds me of when our daughter was a new born. My rule was no sleeping in our room and no running in when she starts crying, wait atleast 15 minutes. It was tough for a new Mother but she had confidence in my decisions and it paid off by 4 weeks old, sleeping through the night for 8 to 9 hours with the occasional wake up to eat. My goal was for everyone to sleep well and be ready for the next day, that goal was achieved.

People would say you guys just got lucky, I'd smile and say thank you.

bliceroquququq · 2016-11-01T17:30:32+00:00

My 2 year old has a genetic disorder that contributes to him being a terrible sleeper. When I say terrible, I mean he's spent 98% of the past 2.3 years waking up screaming regularly at 10:30 pm, 1 am, 2 - 4 am, and finally waking up for good around 6 am. The only time I've gotten anything close to 6 hrs of uninterrupted sleep in a single night since 2014 was if I was out of town.

And it's terrible, and it eats at your marriage, and it eats at your mental, physical and emotional well-being.

So as far as your wife is concerned, you need to make it clear to her that her behavior is unacceptable and will never happen again without extremely severe consequences. I can see giving her a very short leash given the situation.

But as for you, get your shit together. A screaming 2 year old in the middle of the night sucks, but is not a "mutiny", or "terrorist" or "little asshole". He's a 2 year old kid, and he's your son. It's miserable I know, I've been there and will be there again in about 12 more hours, but man the fuck up.

You need sleep so desperately badly? Tell your wife she's in charge and go sleep in the basement, a buddy's house, or set up a goddamned tent outside.

cashcow1 · 2016-11-02T19:05:15+00:00

If my kid acted like that for an extended period of time, they're getting a spanking. That's not crankiness, that's insolence, and insolence needs to be sharply, decisively punished.

Wife might be pissed because she wants you to discipline the kid (implicit contract may need to be discussed). You also may be doing an implicit contract with her handling screaming kids in the middle of the night. Totally reasonable since she stays at home, but still needs to be clear.

When she said "you're scary" I would do a light agree and amplify. Look at her very seriously (but not menacingly), and say "Yes, I want my kids to have a healthy fear of my discipline when they act up." I love my kids, but "daddy voice" is somewhat scary to them (as it should be).

ecrasez · 2016-11-01T16:24:14+00:00

You had a row in front of your kid that escalated to physical violence. This is upsetting to them - they won't care who started it, all they see is mommy and daddy fighting. No-one should have to explain to you how damaging this behavior will be if it's permitted to continue.

You are both to blame for not having an agreed approach in place for how to handle your kids at night. The plan should be discussed during the day when you do have 'the time to deal with a mutiny'. The kids should see a unified front at all times, make them feel safe, who knows, might even help with the tantrums.

Fully agree with /u/saint_chalet regarding your language. You're framing your kid as the enemy here. Further, you're hitting a baby when he doesn't comply to your demands (wtf). People have differing opinions on whether or not to spank their kids, but at the very least I'd hope you agree it doesn't seem to have got you the desired result.

Least important in all this is your wife hitting you. Calmly discuss that with her, own the mistakes you've both made that lead to this disastrous event, but also let her know it will not be tolerated. Disagree out of sight of the kids, when you can help it.

Finally, it does sound like you're both frazzled. Maybe look at getting a sitter / hotel for a night so's one or both of you can get a good night's sleep away from the kids, it really does help, even if just for a one-off.

Best of luck.

MeatCurtainRod · 2016-11-01T15:34:21+00:00

She is absolutely right about making the baby cry it out. One way to guarantee owning a kid who is the biggest little shit in the country, is to cater to all their whims like that.

First off, NEVER talk about how you suck at work or are feeling stressed at work to your wife. Talk to her about solutions or what you are gonna do to deal with a problem, using generalities. She doesn't care how some dude at work is bossing you around, all she cares is how her husband is gonna man up to it - RP truth.

In this world of dominating feminism, it is socially acceptable for a female to hit a male. We all know this is fucked up beyond belief, but it is an uphill battle. You obviously can't play the equality card and hit her back. Thanks to feminism, you can't report this as abuse as it legally doesn't happen to males. What she did was wrong and warrants a divorce. Document EVERYTHING and contact your lawyer indicating you are creating a folder of evidence. You need to think about your child now too, as you can't have her hitting a helpless baby now.

Grimsterr · 2016-11-01T12:42:40+00:00

He's a 2 year old for fuck sakes, get a grip, invest in some patients and stop blaming a 2 year old for shit... Jesus Christ.

wtf_is_taken · 2016-11-01T13:13:45+00:00

She should not hit...

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2016-11-01T15:34:15+00:00

Edit: Removed my comment.

Skiffbug · 2016-11-01T19:55:08+00:00

I've got a screaming 2yo myself and I can attest to how frustrating that is. The way I've found to deal with is not to engage in the discussion/screaming. He's dealing with a whole host of emotions he doesn't understand, and doesn't know how to deal with. Using logic and reason with him is pointless, he's to young to control his emotions through rationalisation. More likely than anything, your wife is as bewildered and frustrated as you are, and a lot less capable in restraining herself.

So you sending your wife in to deal with him is no better than a Captain ordering a rookie bosun's mate up the rig to unfurl the topsail. He won't know what to do, and needs to be lead by example.

Now what I've found really helps is the following: tell the kid a story. It doesn't need to be a book, or even an interesting story, just a subject matter that captivates him. Does he like birds? Tell a story about birds. Is it batman? Make up a story about batman. Anything that he engages with and quietly listens. Once he's calm, his exhaustion will start winning out and he'll begin the fall asleep. Cuddle him and assure him his bed is safe within your house, and he's safe with you.

This may still result in screaming, and may wake up the other children, but everyone is better if if you take your time now to teach him to calm down rather than letting this progress.

donedreadpirate · 2016-11-01T20:00:24+00:00

Have you read The Way of the Superior Male? I think you could have used some of Deida's suggestions and it may help you with shaping her emotional state. Read chapter 38.

I'm intrigued by hearing another story of physical escalation by someone's wife. Starting to wonder if this is a natural course... Mine did something similar. Again, read Superior Male... This has helped me learn to change/reset her heightened emotions and turn a potential fight into raunchy, sweaty fucking.

iloveairplane · 2016-11-01T20:06:32+00:00

One other question, why the video on phone for the kid? I think a phone's blue light is bad for someone's circadian clock. Probably best if you keep that away from the young man at night

CounterCowardiceUnit · 2016-11-02T01:09:01+00:00

A suggestion on the side: if you find, in the coming days, that lack of sleep due to your baby crying becomes an issue, and that it affects you at work, why not try using foam earplugs- temporarily? Just until the problem is sorted.

I would not recommend anyone to use earplugs long-term/permanently, since one can (i) become dependent on them and (ii) issues with impacted earwax can manifest themselves. I certainly would not recommend earplugs for your children.

InChargeMan · 2016-11-02T17:53:42+00:00

You already have older kids, you should know that feeding the call for attention only gets you more of the same behavior. You done goofed, all around, including hitting the kid.

The wife hitting you feels like there is more to the equation that we're missing. Did she see you hid the kid over the monitor? Generally you have to deal with that issue separately from the rest of your poor leadership and parenting skills.

Aechzen · 2016-11-03T03:40:31+00:00

I don't have time to read all the replies. A few thoughts.

Your other kids are irrelevant. Be glad they weren't also awake and screaming. Some kids are harder to parent than others. That's just the way it goes. Your two year old is not an asshole. Probably not anyway. I can think of one or two I have known.

Your two year old has a bottle? That's a bit strange. What's up with that? What goes in the bottle?

Your kid couldn't sit still. That's not entirely abnormal. Any clue why they were awake to begin with? Do they have a cold? Seasonal allergies? Some kind of illness?

My solution for shit like what you dealt with? Kid gets picked up, strapped into car seat, and driven in the dark on the interstate. Movement, darkness, being restrained where he can't move around, and if he's loud, nobody else can hear him, but he probably won't be. No music in the car, no DVDs if god forbid you bought a car that has screens built into it, just darkness and quiet and movement. Kid would have eventually worn out, and your concern about 'waking up the other kids' would be moot.

You made multiple mistakes. If kid is kicking you, you roll him onto his tummy, wrap him in a blanket, and lovingly put some of your body weight on him to calm him down and snuggle him.

If you were going to be with the kid, you needed to own it fully, and tell her to get out. You gave her repeated "either take him or get out" choices. Nope. Just "I got this" is what you say. Even if you don't, you say "I got this".

You're captain, taking over command in the shallows, and steering around the rocks. Own it, or fully defer to your first mate.

jm51 · 2016-11-03T20:47:09+00:00

For helping a child sleep, check this out:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Inward-Harmony-Marcey/dp/B000001UN5

I used to play it on repeat for my kids on access weekends. Grandkids got played it too. Really sophorific, never play while driving.

anotherswingingdick · 2016-11-04T09:41:01+00:00

if she did it once - she'll do it again.

Swear out an affidavit of the facts of the event. For now, just park it at a lawyer's office.

SexistFlyingPig · 2016-11-01T14:29:24+00:00

There are no simple platitudes to solve your complex situation.

She's a SAHM. She can't figure out how to handle her 2-year-old. She is a failure as a mom because of it, and since that's the sum total of her identity, she has no idea what to do. You told her exactly what to accomplish (soothe the terrorist), but she didn't know how to accomplish that goal, so she tried to blame you. Her behavior was intended to make you break frame and fail as well, because that failure would validate her own.

I can hear her talking to her mom the following day, "See? Even my husband couldn't handle the situation! It's not just that I'm a failure as a mom and a human being, it's that the situation was hard and we both got outsmarted by a 2-year-old"

It sounds to me like you did everything you could do to handle all of the children in your house, including the older one that sleeps in your bed. Exhaustion makes it all harder. Her "You're going to wake the other kids" was pure undermining. You had told her to soothe the kid, and she refused because she didn't know what to do. So you got up to take care of the situation. This is where she knew she had lost. Your actions, when successful, would refute her plan of letting him self-soothe. So she got up to sabotage your plan. Since her sabotage wasn't working, she tried to paint herself as the victim, and then hit you, probably with the subconscious hope that you would hit her back, and she could claim the victim status. I doubt that you would actually hit her with the intent of causing her grievous harm, and she knows this as well. One hit from you is something that she can use to escalate the situation and draw more sympathy for herself.

I don't have a solution for you. But maybe this will help you to understand the situation better.

Could you have called the police? Sure. But don't second-guess your decision not to. You made the decision, so stick with it. It doesn't mean that you won't call the cops in the future, but the situation last night didn't warrant it.

Your SAHM failed, both as a mom and a human being. It's your choice how to move forward from here.

jacksarmy · 2016-11-01T11:19:50+00:00

Start talking openly to friends in front of her about the incident, you have nothing to be ashamed about

ofthehighdesert · 2016-11-02T19:39:52+00:00

I might rethink the whole "dealing with the baby is her job," stance. From my experience, that means that you are working an 8-10 hour a day job and she is working 16 hours while being on call for the 8 while she is supposed to be sleeping. That's kind of a shit deal for your wife, and the kid is just as much yours as hers. Add to that, that your tone, at least in the writing above, makes you sound like a dick who can't handle a baby crying because you are stressed about work, which is a shit test all of it's own that you are failing.

Deal with the kid or let him cry it out, either way it's your job to be the oak, unaffected by the drama of your situation, but calmly and in your frame handling it in stride.

As far as your wife hitting you goes, tell her not to do it again. Don't threaten or anything else, just tell her not to do it again and leave it at that. You should, however, for your own context, understand that even from a casual reading of you situation, you come off as a bully and an asshole, which makes your wife fear you, not respect you. As Yoda said, "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." If your wife punched you she is probably near the end of that progression, so don't be a dick.

[deleted] · 2016-11-01T13:33:44+00:00

"I'm too scared to get near you!"

I'm visualizing a really angry and butthurt man holding a mom's kid and then wondering why she struck him.

oh, btw.. did it hurt, are you okay? there's ice in the freezer.

Title	2yo causing a rift in the marriage, wife hit me in reaction
Author	iloveairplane
Upvotes	29
Comments	211
Date	November 1, 2016 9:54 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/5ai806/2yo_causing_a_rift_in_the_marriage_wife_hit_me_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/2yo-causing-a-rift-in-the-marriage-wife-hit-me-in.199406 https://theredarchive.com/post/199406