Obligatory Cut the Shit Summary
- Write down your stats (height, weight, bf%, lifts). 6'2", 193, 12.7% BF, 1RM bench 250, squat 305, dead 360. Great progress from where I started lifting nothing and at 15% BF.
- Write down all the books you have read in the sidebar and one sentence about what you learned from each one (even if you haven't finished it yet). Read NMMNG, rational male, MMSLP, blue professor’s podcasts, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, and Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle. A few pages left in WISNIFG, which is awesome but tough to internalize. Bang is next on my upcoming business trip.
- Get your testosterone levels checked and write them down. Nope.
- Write down your ratio of sexual initiations/rejections. Batting under .200
- Write down the number of women besides your wife you could call right now to chill this weekend. 0.
- Shit, write down the name of the last girl you flirted with who isn't your wife. None, working DL 1-6.
- Write down how many days over the past 15 you have actively gamed your wife. 10 (5 were quality).
- Write down two things you do that make you a good catch. I'm smart and I make people laugh.
- Write down what you would do today if you did not have a wife/kids to go home to. Work, hike or bike, lift, read, then hang out with friends.
- Write down what Dread Level you are on. Probably 5, gearing up for 6.
- Write down how many more months you have to go until you are an attractive man with options. 9.
I’m  an active Mormon, 3 kids and SAHM . I draw the dread line at infidelity, so I know I’m hampering my MRP effectiveness. That’s OK, it’s MRP on hard mode and what I signed up for. Swallowed the pill 6 months ago. The last 10 years I’ve been a compliant, needy, sickening beta working my butt off for regular starfish and servicing a couple times a week, doing all I could to win back the affection, love, and desire she showed our first 5 years. I was really pathetic about trying to get those first 5 years back and tried everything under the sun to get her interested in sex again. She’s super controlling around sex and my relationships with other females and has serious trust issues. I agreed to all her conditions and rules for 10 years. Her trust issues stem from somewhere I can’t fathom, but I’ve been about as good and faithful a husband as a man can be. Most of her distrust is from me telling her about co-workers flirting with me and me shutting it down.
Wife showed good signs of responding when I started MRP. But here’s the deal, I’m trying to be transparent in my marriage. I talk too much to her, tell her too much, and don’t STFU enough. I think honesty is an important foundation in marriage, but I think I take honesty too far. She thinks not nearly enough.
I kept some pictures of her that she wanted me to destroy 5 years ago and 2 months ago finally told her I still had them. Damaged some trust and that was my bad for not being man enough to deal with her anger 5 years ago and keeping it from her. After that, I decided to put all the cards on the table. She asked for my journal I’ve been writing trying to figure out our marriage and sexuality for the last 2 years. I gave her the whole thing (no RP mentions) but I did record that I had an epiphany 6 months ago what worked with her and what didn’t, and that sometimes her body responded when her mind didn’t (that really pissed her off).
I told her I was done with all the rules I’d agreed to the last 10 years, and that I was going to keep my marriage promises of fidelity to her, avoiding emotional affairs, and avoiding porn. But I was going to do my own thing and get ideas about sex wherever I wanted, outside her control. She flipped out as I asserted my frame and staged interventions with family, friends, and counselors. I agreed to it all, I’m an open book. In marriage counseling now, but shopping for a new one as ours is retiring.
She also insisted on a month of abstinence. I agreed to that and now we’re a week past that. She gave me a hard no yesterday. I kino a lot, but pretty mild stuff. She seems to be reacting negatively to every masculine RP trait. When I kino, she says it's not congruent with how I'm treating her (really how she's feeling about me not being a compliant needy obedient beta). When I kino a bit heavier, she calls it sexual abuse, assault or molestation. When I AM, I’m laughing at her and disrespecting her. She says I’m disrespecting her clear boundary of she only wants sex at most once a week and only on the weekend if I initiate any other time. I’ve simply stopped letting her manipulate me with her emotions. She thinks I’m a cold, callus asshole. Paradoxically, she says all my actions and most of my words are kind, but my heart is far from her. I’ve been focusing on myself, lifting in the evenings, going out with the guys to see movies, doing stuff with the kids, stuff like that and she feels neglected. When I set aside an evening to be with her and do something light and fun, she says she can’t do light and fun with this disconnect and proceeds to engage in verbal intercourse. I’ve been withdrawing from that. She says for the same reason of no mental or emotional connection, she can’t even think of connecting physically and is extending the abstinence.
Maybe I’m not attractive enough (I’m probably a point above her now), or maybe I was so good at being a beta that it’ll take longer than normal for me, or maybe I have that special kind of snowflake that won’t respond to MRP. Could be. Her dad is alpha and she has no respect for him and liked me because I wasn’t like him. The Mormon church raises really good betas focused on service and with the women on pedestals, and I was a top-notch blue pill beta.
I laid out my vision to her of us working on our issues, mine being my own validation and getting over defensiveness and anger, and I think she knows her issues of trust and control, but hasn’t accepted them as issues. I suggested we work on ourselves for a year and decide if our marriage is working at that point. I said I think we can be happier and closer than we’ve ever been. She didn’t buy into it and said she can never fully meet my sexual desires.
I’ve read that monk mode is essentially for single guys focusing on their mission and not getting distracted. I’m thinking it might be monk mode time for me. I’m already involuntarily there and I’m pretty sure she sees holding out on sex as the last lever she has to try and get me back into my beta box that I somehow escaped from.
I know I’ll get lots of guys saying to next her, and I might in a year, but I’m willing to give her a chance for that year and give her the opportunity and motivation to address her trust and control issues that she hasn’t even accepted yet. The stay plan is the go plan. I said that in a previous post with a 15 year timeline when my youngest is out of the house. I’m down to a year timeline and I’m coming to peace with the fact that my wife might never change and might never trust me. Not sure if she ever has. I’ve fully realized that no matter how much I do, how transparent I am, that won’t make her trust me. I literally can’t make her trust me. She has to choose to trust me or not.
What is the advice on monk mode in my situation? Stop all kino? Keep some light comforting kino? Only stop full initiating? Or just keep doing what I’m doing since she already sees me as an out of control sex-crazed asshole who is sexually abusing her?