CMV: Trying to justify, excuse, explain, or otherwise provide a reason for cheating is worse than cheating itself. The only acceptable explanation, because it is the only truthful one, is "I was weak".

Emervila · 2019-05-15T16:57:58+00:00

Actually, explanation is not needed.

If you are the cheater you truly don't care for your partner even saying "I'm/was weak" is BS. Nothing a cheater can say would "help"

If you were cheated there's no enough explanation and you shouldn't ask for it. There will never be a satisfying reason or explanation to ease the suffering but the best thing is to move on asap, less drama the less emotional/mental or even physical damage.

For the sake of reasoning: yes, weakness based on the fact that person has no loyalty or respect to end things properly.

officerkondo · 2019-05-15T16:49:44+00:00

No, the truthful explanation is, "I wanted to".

FlavFal · 2019-05-15T16:51:56+00:00

Cheating can put your partner at risk of STDs. It can make you think another man's child is your own. That's worse than making excuses.

MakeMoneyNotWar · 2019-05-15T17:33:34+00:00

Not necessarily. People cheat in business, in games, in sports, in all sorts of areas of life. Doesn't mean they're weak. Some people just want the rewards and don't give fuck how they get it.

UEMcGill · 2019-05-15T18:02:16+00:00

I was weak denotes a lack of ownership. A victim status if you will. Personally I owe no one an explanation for my behavior as I am the only one accountable for it.

Now maybe someone needs affirmation on their feelings. "yep, I fucked up" or "yeah that was a shitty thing I did" but the last thing people want to hear was "it wasn't my fault, I was x or y or z"

SmurfESmurferson · 2019-05-15T16:59:23+00:00

Like I said in the other thread, 100% of the responsibility for cheating is on the cheater

But I think both partners need to do some thinking about why and how the stage was set for the cheating, TBH. That's not an excuse or a rationalization, it's self reflection and understanding

sadomasochrist · 2019-05-15T16:53:08+00:00

There are lots of women and men that simply don't care. Lots of what TRP is about is getting men to understand that women who have a lot of options very regularly will exercise them.

poppy_blu · 2019-05-15T22:24:55+00:00

I don’t condone cheating but I will cyv anyway based on the many thing that have been said by men here.

-if one person unilaterally stops having sex, they are breaking their vows too. Why is one person beholden to honor their vows and the other isn’t?

-if one person becomes selfish, whether that’s not taking care with their appearance or not making an effort in other areas of the relationship, are they breaking their vows?

-LT monogamy is hard and divorce is expensive and traumatic. If an unhappily married person can find it easier to cope with this reality by having a fling (not an affair but an ONS here and there) and do it in such a way that their SO never finds out, aren’t both people better off?

Cue shitstorm.

Barely-moral · 2019-05-15T16:43:26+00:00

No. There is no way that thinking and/or speaking about an act can be worse than the act itself.

geyges · 2019-05-15T16:51:58+00:00

"I was weak" is not an explanation, as much as it is an admission of wrongdoing. In the rare cases where explanations matter, it is usually called rape.

I think we'd all prefer to be in a company of the honest cheaters than dishonest ones.

Mentathiel · 2019-05-15T17:19:11+00:00

Explanation is not necessarily an excuse. If you're trying to dissect what got you into the position where you were too weak to make the right choice, that may be a valid way to work on that never happening again. For instance, if a man is deadbedroomed, but he loves his girlfriend, and she's often away for work and aloof and stressed when home, that doesn't mean he's then justified in cheating. But it does mean that if he doesn't want to be at that point in the future, he needs to learn to assert his needs, to leave people who're not meeting him halfway, to make sure both him and his partner on average have a reasonable work-life balance etc. If he just thought of himself as weak, maybe he wouldn't get as far in thinking all of those other problems through. He is weak, but the question is how did he allow himself to become so weak, and it's not just about momentary willpower. It's about long-term decisions that make us able to summon that willpower when it's necessary.

Same logic applies to virtually any other bad thing people do. Figuring out what got you to that point is an essential part of not getting yourself to that point again.

__Some_person__ · 2019-05-15T19:33:20+00:00

deleted ^{^{^What}} ^{^{^is}} ^{^{^this?}}

ScootsScoots · 2019-05-15T19:15:13+00:00

The act is worse.

Obviously.

You sound like you got cheated on and are furious. Been there, done that. It sucks.

rtechie1 · 2019-05-15T19:30:26+00:00

I would argue there are sometimes complex situations around breakups, “taking time off”, marriage separations, etc. and “cheating”. If you’re in an ambiguous relationship status I don’t think you’re necessarily obligated to tell the other person what you’re doing.

smokecheck1976 · 2019-05-15T19:44:11+00:00

The ultimate reason anyone cheats is because they chose to commit that action. I have yet to see any guy trip and have has penis accidentally fall into a woman whose legs were accidentally in the air. There are no excuses, not really.

That said, there are mitigating factors. Having a wife that would not allow me to even touch her for two years made it unfortunately very easy for me to want to make those choices when the opportunity unexpectedly arose.

[deleted] · 2019-05-15T17:13:13+00:00

Rationalization is for the weak.

passepar2t · 2019-05-15T18:10:48+00:00

Oh my god, who gives a shit. The important thing is that you cheated. What you say afterwards has zero meaning. Action >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> intent.

marriage_is_hell · 2019-05-16T02:02:31+00:00

I heard if you say something like "Im sorry babe, I got horny and shit just happened, but she didnt mean anything to me. You know I could only ever love you." Then your wife will eventually forgive you. She'll be pissed off... but she'll forgive you.

Just what I heard.

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passwordgoeshere · 2019-05-15T17:21:08+00:00

Why?

eet_mijnen_schijt · 2019-05-15T22:22:14+00:00

The only acceptable explanation, because it is the only truthful one, is "I was weak".

That assumes that everything tries not to cheat and then "succumbs to desire" or whatever. A lot of individuals just think cheating is and exciting which is why cheating dating sites exist specifically catering to those that want the thrill of infidelity.

Personally I can't be arsed to have a moral judgement on infidelity; I really don't care much about it. I have less respect for those that that want sexual exclusivity or any exclusivity or any form of wanting control over what another human being does in its time than I have for those that break said agreements.

_Anarchon_ · 2019-05-16T01:00:09+00:00

Cheating isn't a sign of weakness. It's a symptom of being an immoral person. If they want to admit anything, it could only be that, "I'm a bad person."

gprime · 2019-05-16T01:15:07+00:00

The only acceptable explanation, because it is the only truthful one, is "I was weak".

If you were foolish enough to get married, and the price of divorce is too damn high, then it'd be hard for me to fault a man for cheating if he was in a dead bedroom marriage. That doesn't strike me as weak, but rather, being financially pragmatic.

CRGRO · 2019-05-16T03:43:34+00:00

We talking about men or women

oscillodope · 2019-05-16T03:51:58+00:00

I agree that their is no justifiable excuse, but that shouldn't be confused with no possible explanation. People have their reasons even if they are shitty reasons. Explanations and excuses are not the same thing. Behaviors can be explained without being excused.

blackkindergods · 2019-05-16T05:24:27+00:00

I’ve tried to break up with my gf multiple times, I’ve listed my reasons, I’ve told her I’m unfulfilled and want to be single, she just can’t deal, she doesn’t have many friends and she says she loves me and can’t stand the thought of me leaving etc. I’ve become a nihilist, I don’t believe in love anymore in that deep way. I also want to make female friends, I haven’t dated in ages, I need the validation. I’m strongly considering cheating. I don’t think I’d do it but I do need the validation so I’d flirt with it.

MisterJose · 2019-05-16T07:12:39+00:00

Why are we required to be strong in this regard? I might fail at electrocuting myself with a car battery on a daily basis, and the reason might be "I was weak," but maybe it was a pointless, unnatural requirement to be forcing myself into doing that in the first place?

CainPrice · 2019-05-15T16:41:09+00:00

I'd propose another possibility.

Most weak people don't have the opportunity to cheat on their partners. They cling to their current partners for dear life, afraid they'll be alone forever without them. Even if they're unhappy in their relationship, they'll stick with it because change is scary and being alone is scary, and they're not confident in their worth and their ability to do any better.

Those people are weak.

If you have the ability to attract not only your current partner but other partners as well, this gives you power over your current partner. And other partners. You're powerful.

Maybe when you cheat on someone, the explanation is "I did it because I could. So what?"

That's a position of strength, not weakness.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-05-15T16:48:29+00:00

The real taboo about cheating should be people trying to offer ANY EXPLANATION/EXCUSE/JUSTIFICATION/REASON WHATSOEVER TO ANYONE.

well, this is just always a mistake in general. never explain, never apologize, never justify

crystal_wb · 2019-05-15T17:49:09+00:00

I know I'm not challenging your view here, but just because I'm curious.

Even though there is no excuse or explanation for cheating, can it be forgiven? Assuming it happened on one occasion, the cheater immediately told his/her partner, acknowledged that he/she was weak, apologized and showed regret.

If "I was weak" is the only explanation necessary, can both partners fully acknowledge it and work on the issue?

ExperimentalDJ · 2019-05-15T18:20:46+00:00

You are framing everything with sex to be considered taboo in your worldview. Cheating can not exist outside of a promise. Think about the world in terms of relationships. You have certain relationships to fulfill certain needs. Sex is a hobby like everything else.

A random person will have X, Y, Z desires and will be fulfilling them through Q, R, S. This, by nature of existing, is morally neutral. It does not matter to anyone how they are fulfilling their desires as long as it has no negative impact on others.

Let's assume that $Mary and $Harry are in a relationship, with $Mark being a friend of $Mary's. It does not matter that $Mary is playing disc golf with $Mark while she is dating $Harry. She is fulfilling a desire to play disc golf with another person. Whether or not $Harry is a disc golf partner as well, does not have anything to do with $Mary playing with $Mark. $Mary is allowed to enjoy whatever she wants, with whoever she wants, whenever she wants.

You do not need to justify cheating whatsoever. All that matters when two individuals have sex, is that those two individuals want to have sex. Nothing else could possibly matter. Just because $Mary is in a relationship with $Harry does not mean that they are on the same page. A relationship does not mean that both $Mary and $Harry have future plans. These individuals can be living in the moment as much as anyone else.

Wanting to fulfill a desire that arises around other humans has nothing to do with "being weak". You are creating an abstract framework that makes humans look weak for fulfilling a normal desire. You are creating the story that makes everything line up this way. Not every partner is going to be so religiously attached to their significant other in such a way where they are thinking about $significant_other while fulfilling a desire.

Other than "weak" being an attribute you made up to fit the situation, there are definitely situations where two individuals are together and one is significantly more attached. In these situations where one that isn't attached as much, would you say the non-attached one is "weak" for cheating on their partner?

People do things because they have desires, stop shaming them for not having the same commitment to their relationship.

Lordb0lton · 2019-05-15T18:24:37+00:00

Nah, if I am with a woman and she cheats, then i am not providing what she wants or I have stopped being attractive.

And likewise in reverse.

Whisper · 2019-05-19T02:56:02+00:00

My only explanation is "I told you I would".

johnhawkinsbp · 2019-05-18T08:54:57+00:00

I can't totally agree with that because multiple times, I've known of cases where marriages have soured, things have gotten bad and the sex has stopped. And I get that often, there's a lot of blame to go around for that.

That being said, nobody gets married to not have sex.

Yes, in an ideal world, someone frustrated by that would just divorce their partner, but also, it's hard for me to look at some guy who cheats after his wife has refused to touch him for a year and go, "You're 100% at fault! There's no excuse for it." In that situation, the party that has refused to participate sexually bears almost as much blame as the cheater in my opinion. Responsibilities go both ways and if you don't want to please your partner, it's hard for me to have a lot of sympathy when they go outside of the marriage to get it handled.

rainbowbarfff · 2019-05-15T19:51:01+00:00

I'm just gonna copy paste something I wrote up in another sub.

Some cold hard truths for everyone:

Nobody cheats in a relationship because they were happy. If you got cheated on in a relationship, feel your feelings but take a big step back and take a good hard look at your relationship objectively. Were you happy? Was your partner happy? Was your relationship the best it could be? And be honest with yourself about this. Does anybody deserve to get cheated on? Well, that's not my question to answer. If you were shitty and neglectful to your partner, some would say yes, and this how stepping out and side pieces come to happen. (Yes, yes, I get it, this is the internet and everyone's ex is the biggest narcissistic psychopath the world has ever seen meanwhile they were perfect, infallible SO. But really, people who cheat for the sheer sake of pleasure or thrill are in the minority. Most people do not cheat on a partner while they're blissful or happy.)
While getting angry at the other person is 100% expected, try not to remove the blame and anger that should go to your partner by fixating on the other person. The other person owes you nothing and for all you know, YOUR partner probably used them as a shoulder to cry on to talk about how awful your relationship with them is and how trapped they feel (see point #1). Your partner probably talked all kinds of shit about you. Fact is, it didn't just happen in a vacuum - your partner cheating on you from start to very ass end, is 100% their doing. Removing an ounce of blame and anger from them to place it on the other person is a coping mechanism used to lay out the groundwork into forgiving the cheater. Think about it like this - why are you mad at this person, exactly? Because they didn't stop your partner from cheating on you?

rus9384 · 2019-05-15T20:15:39+00:00

No, open relationships also is a good justification for "cheating".

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