Q4Women: If your man had sex with you in your sleep (and effectively raped you) would you break up with him?

Thinkforyerself · 2018-10-16T20:34:04+00:00

Yes. There's a whole lot more to the story than your 'alarm clock penis' simplification. Waiting until someone is asleep to have sex with them because you're mad at them, apologizing mid-act but continuing it, is an alarming action, no clock involved.

What'll he do to me the next time we fight? What would he have done if I objected more than annoyed/sleepy noises? How am I supposed to sleep next to a man who thinks swatting my hand away while conscious is a reasonable segue to fucking me while unconscious?

Is it rape? Pretty damn close. It's sex used to harm her, the same way the swats and the silent treatment were earlier. Personally, I'm not calling the cops, but I'm calling a friend to help me get the fuck out of there before he moves on to something worse.

belletaco · 2018-10-16T20:27:18+00:00

I totally understand why OP feels violated. Especially because they had fought earlier and because he said "Go back to sleep". Ew.

I would also feel violated because I specifically have told my boyfriend I don't want to be woken up to sex. It's situational and depends on the relationship and the boundaries you build together.

TriadFamilyTimes · 2018-10-16T20:29:38+00:00

Yeah, no. That is a violation of consent and "it is implied that you will consent unless otherwise stated" is your own nuance you want to introduce because that's how you want the world to work.

That is not how it works. I am a man and that was rape. Unambiguously.

I'm also a dominant. I fuck my submissive in her sleep to wake her up.

I do so because I talked to her beforehand and established it's acceptability AND I'll stop if she indicates that she wants me to (through established safewords or gestures) and the guy above did neither. There is no nuance. She did not consent at any point prior to the sex that that was ok. Consent is NEVER implied without communication in any situation. That's not just a legal standpoint. It's an ethical one.

quotient_is · 2018-10-16T20:32:51+00:00

If it happened exactly the way this person wrote? Yes. Particularly because of the fighting. He just helped himself without talking to her about their earlier conflict and appears to have some serious emotional ups and downs.

It's also incredibly weird to say "go back to sleep" in that situation, assuming there's been no prior discussion.

If my husband did this, no. We've already talked about it and have the green light for this kind of thing. He would not be a jerk about it and keep going if I clearly wanted to go back to sleep.

GridReXX · 2018-10-17T00:54:22+00:00

Sounds like she got fucked by a cunty asshole in her sleep. I’d be pissed too.

Also I’d break up with him for the haunted house reason. This would just make me want to end it and also kill him.

He’s sounds awfullllllll.

And she sounds insane for still referring to him as her bf instead of some fool she used to know.

Eartherry · 2018-10-16T22:26:55+00:00

I would break up with him. Agreeing to a relationship with him isn't giving him the right to my body. A person's body is always their's, and consent must always be given, even when they're asleep.

There's also the fact that he's treating her like an object. Literally. Objects are things you use however you want without worrying about whether they consent.

LeaneGenova · 2018-10-16T22:20:52+00:00

The way that is written? Creepy and rape.

Now, my SO has permission to wake me up for sex. He knows there are days that's not allowed (trial days, days I have super early training, etc.) but otherwise he's free to do as he pleases. If he did what the guy in the OP did, he would be removed from the bed and be in the dog house. And sex would be off the table for a while.

DespisedByWomen · 2018-10-16T23:38:33+00:00

Bro I'm an incel and even I know that was rape. Just because you have consented before and might consent in the future does not let you use their body at will. You need consent for every single encounter.

shoup88 · 2018-10-17T04:30:29+00:00

Piggybacking on everyone else. In this specific scenario, the guy sounds like an asshole and while it may not be immediate dealbreaker, I’d be annoyed. He sounds petty and weird.

In reality, if I woke up to my husband having sex with me I would be thrilled.

whichbladeN · 2018-10-16T20:27:12+00:00

(He blew up at me for trying to hold onto him at a haunted house and smacked my hand away multiple times saying, “don’t fucking touch me”).

This is the bigger sin imo.

To answer your question though, no. It wouldn't be rape though.

agloelita · 2018-10-16T20:20:41+00:00

Yes.

goatismycopilot · 2018-10-16T20:38:11+00:00

The problem in this scenario is all the events that led up to said incident. She was already very upset when it happened. She was already taking a second look at her BF before it all happened.

PennnyLame · 2018-10-16T20:24:21+00:00

Yes.

Texastentialism · 2018-10-16T21:36:49+00:00

I agree with others that the context surrounding the surprise wake-up sex (the fact that he had been mean to her earlier in the day, not letting her touch him etc.) is what makes it kind of a shithead thing to do in this instance. In general I don't think it's really a big deal.

I've never woken up to a guy full-on fucking me, but I have been woken up with oral, fingers, fondling boobs etc. and it's quite nice. I think full-on PIV in my sleep might bother me a bit because I likely wouldn't be aroused and it could be painful or uncomfortable. But it definitely isn't something I'd break up with someone over unless it was a persistent thing after I'd expressed my dislike.

[deleted] · 2018-10-16T20:42:33+00:00

In this scenario, yes. If we had discussed and agreed to it beforehand (something I've done before many times for this very thing), then no.

yasee · 2018-10-16T21:47:25+00:00

I would not necessarily break up with a guy for starting sex while I'm asleep. However, if I woke up and made "annoyed sounds" because I wasn't into it I would expect him to stop. This guy knew she didn't want it (hence the "sorry") and continued anyway. She gets to decide what she wants to call it, but that's a pretty serious mistake on his part

KikiYuyu · 2018-10-16T23:30:00+00:00

It's clearly rape. Having sex in the past isn't a get-in-free card. You got to both be on the same page every single time.

poppy_blu · 2018-10-17T00:54:00+00:00

Yes. But he wouldn’t do that though.

If you have had sex with someone in the past, and likely would have had sex with them in the future, then it's implied that you will consent unless otherwise stated.

No it isn’t.

321PK · 2018-10-16T22:09:15+00:00

Who are these men and why is anybody dating them?

crackrocksteady7 · 2018-10-16T20:23:41+00:00

How does that even work if shes 100% dry

DebatePony · 2018-10-16T22:32:30+00:00

If I were in that exact situation: absolutely.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-10-16T20:25:34+00:00

I really think women are losing their mind

Kittennoodle · 2018-10-16T20:49:30+00:00

I would never break up with my husband over that. He does surprise sex any time he wants.

The real issue is why he's angry with her. They need to work on communication.

ivegotsomequestions0 · 2018-10-16T22:49:09+00:00

I think you are conflating two things, op. Is this rape? Let's say, no. Was it shitty, violative, inconsiderate, and thus a deal breaker, as described? Yes.

[deleted] · 2018-10-16T20:33:41+00:00

Been there, done that. I have no problem with it and did not feel raped. This guy sounds like a cunt for other reasons in the post though. Rude in front of family, swatting her hands away at a haunted house, telling her go back to sleep...he'd probably be happier with a doll. Also who just yanks panties off and goes in dry on a sleeping woman? Clumsy, you gotta ride the line between awesome sex dream and waking them up fully not just jam your dick in. I'd be pissed being woken up like that.

Edit: the karma whiplash extremes on this comment is lol, the controversy is real!1! It's okay to break up with someone because they're an asshole, and he is one. He acts like one and he fucks like one. Tacking rape on during an event with a current partner that didn't report a "no" or "stop" or previous sleep sex parameters being ignored isn't necessary. Asshole is still reason enough.

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nemma88 · 2018-10-16T22:24:18+00:00

Sounds like there was zero conversation on this sort of what if before.

Nuance for these situations to me would be prior consent, which ofc doesn't exist in law, but that would make it OK between the two people in the relationship.

This is just not the way to go without having some indication someone in comfortable with that type of thing in a relationship.

the past, and likely would have had sex with them in the future, then it's implied that you will consent unless otherwise stated.

Yeah, I'd agree if this situation allowed for that condition 'unless otherwise stated', but it doesn't. One person is not in the position to state otherwise. Sex happened when she didn't have the capacity to say no thanks because she was asleep.

Personally I don't mind it, but I don't project my preferences onto everyone else sooo. In general, its no until yes for this.

kandyapplez · 2018-10-16T23:08:54+00:00

considering i wake up to my boyfriend sucking my nipples and jacking off on the regular, no

i don't know what you mean by "zero nuance." a woman feeling uncomfortable enough to post to strangers expressing her discomfort is definitely nuance

killallthenarcs · 2018-10-17T15:16:19+00:00

If you have had sex with someone in the past, and likely would have had sex with them in the future, then it's implied that you will consent unless otherwise stated.

No, no it isn't. And especially not when there are other aspects of the situation that indicate that sex would be actively unwelcome, such as having argued, the person being asleep, them making annoyed noises. There is no assumption that anyone in the world is always going to be ready for sex. All of us have times when we are not ready, not happy, not willing. Sometimes those times are due to not particularly liking the person we are in a relationship with right then, sometimes due to illness or tiredness or having to get enough sleep or having to spend that particular bit of time on something else. The existence of a relationship doesn't override the need for consent.

While for some purposes it matters whether it was rape or a violation or whatever, for the purposes of deciding to leave him none of that matters. If she's not all about that, if she doesn't like him just deciding he has that power, and she finds it pointless bothering to have another argument, she's going to straight out dump him and ain't much he can do. If she does I'm inclined to say "serves him right"

I think she should dump him. He's just a boyfriend, not a fiance or husband, there's no obligation to try to work things through. She doesn't need to attempt to explain to him why what he did is wrong, she can just untangle their lives from each other and put it all behind her.

LittleGanymede · 2018-10-17T17:01:07+00:00

If a woman wakes her boyfriend up with a blowjob is it rape?

madcockatiel · 2018-10-17T18:49:11+00:00

Uhhhh that whole story was just one red flag after the next. The weird rapey sleep sex was the red flag icing on a red flag cake. She should definitely dump this fool.

FezPaladin · 2018-10-17T22:55:45+00:00

My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of issues lately. Yesterday we got into it because he was treating me badly the night before in front of his family. (He blew up at me for trying to hold onto him at a haunted house and smacked my hand away multiple times saying, “don’t fucking touch me”). He didn’t talk to me the whole day until we met up with his parents for dinner, and things seemed to be...okay? I never got an apology or anything, but things seemed to be normal with him at that point. I didn’t get a chance to talk to him privately because I didn’t see him at home before I fell asleep.

Are your families arranging this marriage?

Seriously though, why the hell are you with him?

coochiepls · 2018-10-17T23:09:08+00:00

In this case it's kinda rapey. It could be ok but if you're treating the girl like shit and she hasn't said she's ok with it then seems rapeish

ratsparadedarapstar · 2018-10-18T12:11:36+00:00

Some people are weirdly into wake-up sex and make-up sex without even resolving the issue at all beforehand. That preference should be discussed at the start of a relationship, among other things.

Guy sounds like an emotionally stunted ass. The sleep sex thing in this context does not sound like make-up sex, or intimate, playful wake-up sex. It sounds closer to sexual assault, or at the very least, using his partner as a personal fleshlight, which is kind of gross from my perspective, as I see sex as an inherently emotionally involved thing. Can’t be involved if I’m unconscious.

Chick must be a heavy sleeper, I’d freak the fuck out if the blanket came off of me, let alone my undies. I’m a bit hypervigilant, though. I don’t enjoy sleepy wake-up sex (I prefer bedtime sex where you pass out together, exhausted). Sleep is sacred to me, and waking me up for anything but an emergency is a huge no-no.

Thinkforyerself · 2019-01-23T20:56:10+00:00

Omg, please that boyfriend do not breed. His type is the shit on by his parents childhood and now the whole world has to suffer. That boyfriend is what we call useless because he will never have awareness and he has to validate his stupidity by manipulating others. The good thing because he already knows what type of personality disorder you have. After 70, Dementia will kill him. Lol, He is the second hand smoke to this society.

The girl though, sadly. She grew up conditioned to be with shit like him though. Good sign, I hope she will get through this. I bet you she will go through PTSD. But, hopefully it will make her wiser because of this whole ordeal. Good thing is she’s going. Don’t want to be in your 40s and unaware. I say learn to be very aware right now. Men, women, people, I share this. Learn to be aware. Learn to listen to yourself!

Q4Women: If your man had sex with you in your sleep (and effectively raped you) would you break up with him?

Comments

WhenYoureTogetherButNotReally

Title	Q4Women: If your man had sex with you in your sleep (and effectively raped you) would you break up with him?
Author	whichbladeN
Upvotes	0
Comments	155
Date	October 16, 2018 8:17 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/9orcwe/q4women_if_your_man_had_sex_with_you_in_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4women-if-your-man-had-sex-with-you-in-your-sleep.259422 https://theredarchive.com/post/259422